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Oct 4, 2021

NewsBiscuit's '15 Years of Typos' - now available in hardback

Having hit your shelves a year ago and selling all of 2 copies, ’15 Years of Typos’ is finally available in hardback. The perfect draft excluder for this Christmas. This humble collection of stories is the culmination of years of frantic scribbling and at least three minutes of careful editing.


‘Five stars? I thought I was reviewing a toaster’ – Amazon Reviewer


‘Although NewsBiscuit remains proud to have been Britain’s first daily news satire website, I am forced to admit that in the years that followed, others may have come along. Yeah, those bastards totally copied my idea of copying The Onion.’ John O’Farrell


‘All true’ – D.Trump



Launched 2006 by John O’Farrell, with the noble aims of eradicating global poverty, creating a lasting peace in the Middle East and providing a daily dose of humour to bored people at work. Since then, after many cups of tea and plenty of biscuits, we are confident that George. W. Bush would agree – ‘Mission Accomplished’.


All profits from the book go directly to charity. We are delighted to support ‘Arts Emergency’ the award-winning mentoring charity and support network (https://www.arts-emergency.org/) helping young people get a fair start in arts and humanities. And ‘English Pen’ – one of the world’s oldest human rights organisations, championing the freedom to write and read around the word (https://www.englishpen.org/)


Hundreds of writers have contributed to the making of this irreverent book – which Mr. O’Farrell’s lawyers were keen to make very clear.

Oct 3, 2021

Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice

Updated: Nov 28, 2021

HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:


1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:

a. Falling Down

b. Bullitt

c. The Purge


2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.


3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.


4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.


5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.


6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.


7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:

a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.

b. People who fought for you in the war.

c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.

d. People who spot a gap.


The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:

a. The elderly

b. Disabled drivers

c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers

d. Fuel tankers


8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.


9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.


10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.


11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.


JackYates





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