Episode 37: Humanzees, Time-travel Toilets & Holy Kidneys
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Sketchly, SparklyBob & Chipchase
Host: Wrenfoe. April-May 2024
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It’s one of the most formidable endurance challenges on the planet. An incomprehensibly hard slog towards an end that seemingly will never arrive. Only a few can even contemplate taking it on, and just a handful will reach the finish line. But, that’s enough about trying to plough though Liz Truss’s latest memoir, what about the form for the 2024 Grand National? Here’s Newsbiscuit’s annual guide to the runners and riders:
Sunak’s Swansong – undoubtedly will be the last appearance for this diminutive thoroughbred, who struggles to see over the hurdles, never mind jump them. Has recently switched to a new trainer – some white Adidas Sambas that look ridiculous. Odds on him permanently swapping the PM paddock for his Santa Monica penthouse later this year are shorter than his Savile Row trousers. 10-1
Trump’s Folly - Distinctively coloured in orange and grey, the surprise winner of the 2016 Presidential Stakes now spends most of his time now at his Mar-a-Lago stables, grazing on fried chicken and right wing vitriol. Carrying a lot of extra weight and allegedly still giving a few pounds (or dollars) away to Stormy’s Secret. Still has eyes on a big race later this year, but facing multiple hurdles to even get to the start line. Avoid at all costs. 69-1.
Biden his time – popular winner over Trump’s Folly in 2020. Will be front runner in the Presidential Stakes later this year, but a warhorse this old has never won that big race. Unlike Trump’s MAGA platform, Biden will be campaigning on a Saga ticket. May need a few reminders to get him across the line. 81 (years old) -1
My Little Honeytrap – watch out for this canny and elusive operator. Has recently caused mayhem over the jumps at Westminster, unseating one and potentially bringing down others with unconventional riding style. Stablemates with DickPic Danger and Here’s a Reminder, this one loves a good photo finish. Please note, the whip has been removed for this horse. 3-1
Keir’s Here – a strong favourite for the Downing Street Stakes later this year, there remain stern questions about his positioning. Likely to race as close to the centre ground as he can, staying out of trouble, flanked as ever by close allies Reeves Robotic Response and Easy Streeting. 10-11 favourite
Rayners Gains -a dogged campaigner with some notable victories in the Despatch Box Handicap over Sunak’s Swansong. Allegations of excess nosebagging and failure to declare race winnings not likely to unsettle this one. 15,000 (capital gains bill) - 1
Horizon Horror – this mare, out of Piss Poor Post Office and National Scandal should have been sent to the glue factory 20 years ago, but has somehow stumbled on, enabled by a succession of incompetent owners. True scale of this horse’s ineptitude and malice only now becoming apparent through a long overdue Stewards Enquiry. 2000 (Subpostmasters) - 1
Saltburn Snippets – came from nowhere in 2023 to be a regular watercooler talking point in 2024. Unpredictable, at times this dark horse can sometimes be impossible to watch. Jockey Oliver Quick’s bathing and drinking habits may be unorthodox, but is known for timing his finishes to perfection. 6-1
Aries
In love, fortune favours the brave, but there is a thin line between heroism and abject stupidity that you may have crossed a couple of minutes ago. Sorry, dropped the ball on that one, but the burns should heal nicely without too much scarring.
Taurus
It's not every day that a new sexual disease is named after the principle vector. Congrats!
Gemini
The phrase "having your head screwed on properly" will be particularly apt for you today. Apt, but tragic.
Cancer
You are plagued with mysterious stiffness and body odour. But then all is revealed: you were pronounced dead a week ago. Your GP hasn't been telling you everything.
Leo
Sure, trampolining looks like a lot of fun but have you checked the ceiling for giant spikes? No. No, you haven't.
Virgo
The unexpected death of a loved one will come as a surprise and a shock to you, leaving you to ponder the eternal verities and whether a hidden tripwire/grenade snare is somewhat excessive as a cat deterrent.
Libra
You are going to pull this weekend. Sadly, it will be a stomach muscle from heaving up a meal of bad oysters.
Scorpio
Your colour is aquamarine, your gemstone is ruby, and you need to have a long hard look at yourself.
Sagittarius
"There are known knowns. There are also unknown unknowns". Your fate is in the second category. Sorry about that.
Capricorn
An appalling tragedy leads to popularisation of the phrase 'two ends of the same goat'.
Aquarius
I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!
Pisces
The supermoon on the 30th could have a major impact on your...oh wait, that was last month. Sorry, I accidentally shifted my Mystic Powers setting to “hindsight".
Hat Tips to:
Flasharry, SteveB, simonjjames, sydalg,
Image: geralt - Pixabay
