Thieves target lorry full of wigs for comedic value

A lorry full of high quality wigs has been stolen, with police claiming a connection with the recent thefts of 22 tonnes of cheddar and 2,500 pies.

‘The thieves are stealing to order,’ commented the detective in charge of a unit set-up to tackle these crimes. ‘It’s a win-win for them. Wigs, cheese and pies all have a monetary value on the black market in themselves, but the value to any aspiring comedy writer is inestimable. We receive more puns than we do tip-offs.’

The detective confirmed they were receiving a number of reports concerning stolen Christmas trees. And requested any victims reporting such crimes, to please refrain from enquiring if it has the police stumped.

Photo by Taha on Unsplash

Council transfers all its roads and potholes to a community trust

West Bessen Council has taken the unusual step of transferring all of its roads and potholes to a community trust. The trust will be responsible for the upkeep of the roads, setting speed limits and managing parking restrictions.

A council spokesman said, 'This deal is good for the council and the community. We transferred our libraries to a community trust years ago, and they are all thriving. We replaced all those expensive librarians with lots of lovely, low-cost volunteers. And the community has done a great job looking after the library buildings. They are always ready with the plastic sheeting when heavy rain is forecast.

'We transferred responsibility for our sports centres to a community trust too. Now you can play badminton and short mat bowls all night if you want to. The community has found a way to extend the opening hours so that people can exercise around the clock. I believe they do this by leaving the key under the mat. There have been some concerns about people exercising alone, but these days everyone has a mobile, so it's not really a problem any more.

'So we have high hopes for our new way of managing roads. The road maintenance bills were very high and we think that volunteer road menders will be able to keep costs to a minimum. The council is selling its Stop-Go boards to the trust, so they will be fully equipped.

'We will finally be able to pass all those complaints about potholes, road markings and debris to someone else. And the trust will have to adjudicate on all those ghastly local parking issues. I can't tell you how pleased we are to get shot of all that. Actually, I can tell you. I'm telling you now. We are very pleased to get shot of all that. And you can quote me.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Library

Wales seeks reparations from First World

Wales has called on the First World to do more to help it with the growing climate emergency.

'It’s not like we’re causing the problem,' sang a Welsh spokesman in an uplifting baritone. 'There’s bugger all heavy industry in Wales these days. Cars can’t go above 20mph. Beyond stopping the sheep farting, I don’t see what else we can do.'

'Yet clearly we’re bearing the brunt of what I’ve decided to believe is climate change - rather than, say, the weather in Wales always being crap - since that opens the door to truckloads of compensation.'

He went on to say the First World must do more to help the Global South, even those parts of it which aren’t actually in the southern half of the globe.

'It’s galling to think that just a few miles away in England they have electricity and inside toilets, while we suffer like this. Some say the answer is to be more like English, and couples shouldn’t be related until they get married. But I think that’s a slippery slope - before you know it, we’ll have more than five different surnames.'

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay