Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected.  ‘The masters of the universe can usually spin straw into gold,’ said one commentator.  'But their efforts at British supermarket chains Asda and Morrisons makes them look really stupid. It’s embarrassing.’

It should have been easy. Take over a so-so supermarket chain, make a few whizzy changes, watch the valuation soar, and sell out at a massive profit.   Bosh!

But Asda and Morrisons have languished, weighed down by the piles of debt issued by the private equity owners.   The interest on those debts is massive, and means that neither chain can invest in stores, staff or supply chains.   All the masters of the universe can do is to cut costs, sack staff and amp up the marketing campaigns.

The superhero private equity geeks are being beaten hands down by people who actually have some experience in running stores.  One of those geeks sobbed to us privately. ‘It seemed like a really easy gig.  Put in a few months working 24/7 to turn things around, and then walk away with millions in bonuses.   Instead, I’ve been working 24/7 for years, and all I’ve got is a shopping card that gives me ten per cent off.  The stores are dirty, understocked, understaffed and expensive - even I don’t want to shop there.  Why didn’t I choose a deal in financial services, software or health?’

Meanwhile, all those dyed-in-the-wool, nation-of-shopkeepers types are twisting the knife, doing all the things that the private equity owned shops can’t do.  Like selling food at a competitive price in a store that shoppers actually want to visit.

image from pixabay

Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She bought the Pomeranian, popular with various shades of female who have all but given up on even starting to attempt the arduous slog of finding a male capable of being relied upon, from a breeder renowned for padding out the modern lives of the anxious with dependable love.

The dog, which she has tentatively named, Strongandwontletmedown, apparently had no idea that its role was to be that of a companion rather than fetus substitute. ‘Little Strongandwontletmedown is yapping away for all the world as if I’m going to be one of those sorry sights pushing a dog down the street in a pram. I am not,’ she emphasized with just a tinge of evolving bitterness.

Strongandwontletmedown is a white a Pomeranian, a comparatively rare colour in the bloodline. Commentators are expressing fears that this extra level of pure cuteness may .distract the owner from the urge to motherhood. ‘She’s going to get a lot of positive attention on the street,’ said one male serial monogamist familiar with letting down women between the ages of 29 and 35. ‘The constant praise of Strongandwontletmedown’s beauty is inevitably going to mislead the woman into believing she had some genetic role in the dog’s looks and health. I’m worried that when Strongandwontletmedown dies she may move onto cats.’

‘I’ve seen it all before,’ said another tinder jockey. ‘Woman gets dog, says dog is not kid substitute, woman eventually dyes hair orange.’ But others are offering support. ‘By saying she can raise a dog and aspire to produce a human child she’s breaking new ground in the fight for something or other,’ it is thought a few female academics may have postulated. Meanwhile a mother of a teen on Mumsnet simply said, ‘I’ll swap.’

image from pixabay

Private parking pirates update their rules

Private parking firms have crossed their fingers behind their backs and promised to update their code of practice.   The pirates have acted after receiving bad press about ‘rip off’ charges, including a £1,906 bill because a motorist couldn’t pay for lack of a mobile phone signal.

The new code (which the pirates admit are ‘more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules’) will be amended as follows:

1. Private parking firms will no longer be allowed to seize cars in lieu of unpaid parking. In future, they will be able to remove up to two wheels and/or wiper blades and/or wing mirrors, as a contribution towards full payment for parking fees and penalties. Any cars that have been crushed due to parking violations should be returned to their owners promptly.

2. Private parking firms will not be allowed to paint out parking bay markings while a car is parked there in order to issue a fine.

3. Private parking firms will no longer be allowed to hold family members, friends or work associates hostage in order to secure the payment of parking fees and penalties.

4. Private parking firms will not use jamming equipment to interfere with mobile phone signals.

The industry has warned that the changes will damage UK growth.  Economists estimate that these changes will reduce UK GDP by between 0.3 and 0.7 percentage points.

image from pixabay