US bids for no trumps

A large majority of the the USA Bridge Association has been troubled over a search to replace the word trumps.

'Obviously the concept of trumps is critical to the game of bridge,' said spokesman Ace High, 'but since the last presidential election, this word has begun to stick in the throats of so many of our members. If you think about it, the lowest trump card beats the highest of the other three suits, pretty galling as a political metaphor these days. So this has led to a rash of wildly overbidding no trumps. We need an acceptable word to replace trumps, and farts is not acceptable.'

'On the other hand there is also a movement in favour of finding a replacement name for the present POTUS, with IMPOTUS taking an early lead. Since then others like Orange Man Baby, Fat Fart, Mr T, Prink with no balls, and Moscow Donny have been gaining support.

Elsewhere, Melania Trump has recently got a Queen of Spades tattoo.

Image: Jack Hamilton (@jacc) | Unsplash Photo Community

Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears

In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.

The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.

Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'

'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'

United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'

Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.

Image: WixAI

Putin in talks to become the next James Bond

Sources in Moscow say the Kremlin is negotiating with the internet giant Amazon about President Vladimir Putin being offered the role as the next James Bond.

The idea has come as a surprise to Amazon, who now control the James Bond franchise, as Putin is not apparently known to have any acting skills, being capable of only one menacing expression which he has performed continuously since 1989.

It is understood that the current President has not had to compete with other actors for the part. Most actors would throw themselves at the opportunity to play James Bond but now risk mysteriously throwing themselves out of a window if they dare audition for it. Putin has told friends that he would feel at home playing an agent working for the British Secret Service since historically most of their best spies all turned out to be working for Russia anyway. As for the part itself, the Kremlin believes that Putin as the new Bond will leave audiences shaken and not stirred, although perhaps also but also frothing at the mouth depending on the dose of nerve agent involved.

Image: WixAI