North Korean Missile Silo/Golf Course Only Launches on Hole-in-One

After Pyongyang admitted a ballistic missile silo had been disguised by placing it inside a golf course, engineers revealed a series of failsafes have been incorporated into the grounds to prevent an accidental launch.

'It's quite simple'" one of the technicians told us. 'To launch a missile, you have to be standing on the eighteenth tee and score a hole-in-one. Given that the hole is over 500 yards long, it should be impossible for anyone to do this other than the Supreme Leader. After all, his father hit five aces on his first ever round, so it only stands to reason that his son, who's an even bigger golfing prodigy, should find such a distance facile.'

Photo by ping lee on Unsplash

New Old Trafford stadium will 'be the best in League Two'

Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.

One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'

'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'

Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '

Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'