Christmas cracker jokes - the rejects

Although Christmas cracker jokes are always bad, so that we can all enjoy a good Christmas groan, there are some jokes that are even worse.   We broke into a cracker factory late one night, and we found the following rejected cracker jokes in the bin…

Q. Why didn't Mary and Joseph exercise at Christmas?

A. Because there was no room at the gym

Q. What did the sleigh say to the reindeer?

A. You've pulled

Q: Why does Santa wear baggy trousers?

A: He has a big sack

Q. What's a robin's favourite hat?

A. Robin Hood

Q. Why is Santa dangerous?

A. Because he's got a black belt

Q. What's the best name for a burglar?

A. Robbie

Q. What's the best name for a dragon?

A. Bernie

Q. Where do you put a ninety-year-old prime minister?

A. In a Keir home

Q. What song do sheep most like to hear at Christmas?

A. Fleece Navidad….or….Fleece a jolly good fellow!

Hat-tip lockjaw for his fine contributions

Image: Pixabay/2taol

Rooney sacked as Plymouth manager for not wearing argyle

Wayne Rooney has been sensationally sacked as head coach of Championship side Plymouth Argyle for not wearing argyle to a match. Even more damning, the 2-0 loss to Oxford United was televised, exposing Rooney’s sartorial gaff to some 68.35 million watching Brits. Thus the Plymouth board was left with no option but to sack the merseysider, who looks like he’s made from potatoes.

Argyle, a pattern composed of diamonds of various colors on a plain background, used in knitted garments such as socks, cardigans, sweaters (also known as pullovers, jerseys, and jumpers), and shawls, is intimately linked with the history of Plymouth Argyle. The club’s founders have a longstanding relationship with the Clan Campbell of Argyll from whose tartan the pattern loosely derives. They slaughtered them in the 19th century.

Following the sacking, Rooney has been left bemused, not a word he selected himself. Friends point out that the ex-Manchester United swearer didn’t even know what an Argyle was, has nothing against diamond patterns as a matter of principle, and only possesses shell suits. ‘This wouldn’t have happened in America,’ said a friend. ‘They have the Rooney rule.’ The Rooney rule states that no manager under contract can be fired following a two nil defeat to Oxford.

Rooney’s sacking follows the firing of Manchester United’s Erik ten Haag, who was dismissed for changing channels during a Jane Austen dramatization, Gary O Neil at Wolves being sacked for having a slightly elevated blood lipids marker, and Russell Martin, the Southampton manager who lost his job for dancing with tears in his eyes, living out a memory of a love that died..

Image: Pixabay/cianna

Peter Kay accused of historical farting offences

Peter Kay has been charged with historical farting offences. The 51 year old comic, known affectionately for his schoolboyish portliness, is facing claims from a library, a church, Bolton shopping centre, and some 200 clubs and venues that he farted on their premises between the years 2001 and 2014.

However the offences are thought only to be the tip of the iceberg. An officer representing Greater Manchester Police’s historical farting offences investigations, codenamed Operation Let Rip, says that over 12,000 other lines of inquiry are being pursued. ‘It is clear that Kay has a horrific history of farting in public.’

The news is set to destroy the comic’s carefully cultivated man of the people persona. ‘Peter Kay always said he loves pop,’ said one now ex-fan. ‘What is clear is that he just likes to go pop.’ Kay has recently and very publically converted to Christianity, some say as a ruse to cover his wind-breaking past. The grandmother fan was bitter. ‘He’s nothing to me now. Just another fat shit from Bolton.’

Operation Let Rip has taken down numerous celebrities for leaving steam bombs in places where children and essential workers pass through. In 2017, officers from Let Rip asked the Crown Prosecution service to consider bringing charges against James Corden when a member of the public claimed she passed out behind him in a Greggs queue. The woman said Corden’s farts ‘reeked of other-worldly eggs.’ Later that year an anonymous tip off led officers to arrest Adrian Chiles when he was overheard sniggering in a Halfords and asking his acquaintance, ‘Can you smell it?’ Chiles was charged with the arcane offence of ‘outraging olfactory morals.’

Repercussions of the investigations into farting offences by public figures have not been without controversy. Darts fans were upset when Alexander Palace was preemptively closed this year, while the curry restaurant industry has been decimated. Meanwhile Kay’s career looks to have been shattered as his farts have caught up with him. ‘But he’s still shitting in public,’ says a friend. ‘Kay will never stop farting. It’s who he is.’

Image: Pixabay/AsoyID