Boat Race won by crew that rowed faster

Rowing eight, AI generated picture showing a boat with seven rowers and no cox. Sigh.

For the 170th year in a row, the Oxford-Cambridge boat race has been won by the crew that rowed faster than the other one. 

The two boats started off level, as is traditional, but as soon as the starting gun went off and the rowers started rowing, it was clear that one of the boats was moving faster than the other. As a result, it reached the finish line sooner and was judged to have won.

'Yup, really happy about that,' said Toby Jeremy of the winning crew. 'Our plan had always been to row faster than the other crew, and in the event we did, which is why we won.'

'Very disappointing,' admitted Jeremy Toby of the losing boat. 'We also had intended to row faster than them - in fact, we did a great deal of training in the hope of ensuring that would be the case. But it seems they trained in a similar manner, and in the end rowed faster than us.'

Meanwhile, a number of physicists, at these two universities and others, declared they had always believed that an object travelling at a fast speed between two points would cover the distance more quickly than one moving at a slower speed.

'Yes, I’d say we were pretty certain about that. All the same, it’s nice to have it confirmed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

Plans for the new theme park near Bedford have been exclusively leaked today to over thirty news outlets, for publicity reasons.

The park will celebrate Roger Bannister’s four-minute mile with a mile long path from the car park to the front gates.  Queues will be very long, but well-organised.   Waiting visitors will be entertained by morris dancers and mime artists, who will be set upon and chased away by football hooligans and right wing protestors.   In the British spirit of tolerance and acceptance, only the gays will actually be hurt.

Once inside, visitors can enjoy the Great British Food Zone, the Sport Zone, a therapeutic ‘Moan Zone’ and a truly unbelievable rollercoaster called the Trussinator.

The Food Zone will include all the usual British staples – pizza, curry, stir-fry, bar-b-q and tacos.   All the food will be served with precisely calibrated indifference, and will be horrendously overpriced.

The Sport Zone will celebrate the country’s athletic achievements in darts, bar billiards, the boat race (Britain are undisputed world champions), cribbage, bat and trap, the Eton wall game, marbles, tiddlywinks and real tennis. The History zone will celebrate our great sporting wins such as the 1966 World Cup, Virginia Wade’s 1977 Wimbledon win, and the Battle of Hastings.

Daily shows will feature re-enactments of the miners’ strike, with visitors able to join in with the miners or the police, as they choose.

Other attractions will include the museum of Great British Engineering, with displays about Offa’s Dyke, Hadrian’s Wall, the Mini Metro and the Dyson hand drier.

The biggest and most popular attraction will be the Trussinator, a scary roller-coaster that takes visitors for a ride before letting them down at the end.  Visitors will be able to pay £10 to avoid being photographed with Liz Truss.  The attraction will be open for 49 days each year.

Construction work is due to be completed by 2031, and the grand opening has therefore been booked in for 2037.

Image: Pixabay/aykapog

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

The continuing drama 'The Archers' was first broadcast on BBC radio in 1850.  The programme disseminated government information about good farming practice at a time of rationing and food shortages.

In 2025, The show is returning to its roots, and will feature storylines addressing current political issues.  Upcoming episodes will highlight Eddie Grundy's problems in finding an NHS dentist, and the cost of dental treatment.

After trying homeopathic, herbal and alcoholic remedies, Eddie eventually tries to extract two molars and a canine tooth himself, with hilarious consequences.

Future storylines will feature the effect of American tariffs, a child grooming scandal and the purchase of Bridge Farm by Jeremy Clarkson.

Image: Pixabay/sammy-sander