Truss aims to become Premier League boss

Liz Truss has announced her intention to become a Premier League manager.

Following her controversial attempt to sue Sir Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy, the former Prime Minister, has decided to move from politics to the world of football.

Truss is said to be targeting the vacant job at Everton, following the sacking of manager Sean Dyche.

But wherever she ends up, her main aim is to increase the number of home-grown players.

“We import two-thirds of our footballers. That is a disgrace,” said Truss, speaking at the launch of her campaign.

Typically confusingly, she added: “This month I’ll be in Beijing, opening up new striker markets.”

And hinting at where she’d like to eventually end up, she added: “We’ve got 10 years to save the West Ham.”

Truss, whose 49 days in power marked a new low for a British prime minister, is expected to announce Kwasi Kwarteng as director of football and a lettuce as kit manager.

image from pixabay

LA fires just P.Diddy client list being burnt

Los Angeles erupted in flames, as Hollywood notables tried to burn their season ticket to Diddy's mansion and the Epstein Island. So huge was the pile of evidence, that the conflagration could be seen for miles. Witnesses said the smoke cloud resembled a gurning Bill Clinton.

The client list, which is said to include 7% of all Americans and 100% of Oscar nominees, filled whole warehouses. All those names have now been lost in the fires and can only be recovered if you Google 'people who thanked Beyonce'.

Sadly the fires have spread to engulf Trump's hush money, Obama's birth certificate and Joe Biden's war crimes and pill prescription. Lawyers say they will be unable to prosecute due to a lack of evidence, meaning P.Diddy will walk free - if only he was not going to be found mysteriously dead in his cell next week.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man returns to gym on back day

In the funniest thing anyone has ever seen, a man who had his gym membership suspended for upskirt photographing himself returned to the gym on the very day his bro split routine dictated that he work primarily on his back muscles. Thus, he ‘returned’ on ‘back’ day.

‘As soon as I entered, the counter staff burst into laughter and applause. It was an unintentional joke that everyone immediately got. ‘He’s back on back day,’ they shouted, and clapped. But there was an astonishing twist. Though the man reported laughing congenially and good naturedly, it was also with a rueful sense of modestly. For he hadn’t intended the action as a joke.

‘Me returning on back day was a mere coincidence. A f@cking unbelievable one if you like. But that’s all it was. A coincidence. I didn’t intend to be hilarious. I got lucky.’ As a consequence, the man is keeping quiet about the serendipitous nature of events. ‘I’m worried if I tell them that I didn’t make the joke deliberately, they’ll suspend me again.’

The gym has a five-suspensions-and-you’re-barred rule. Prior to being suspended for upskirt photographing himself, the man had been suspended for brazenly walking out of the building with bundles of gym toilet bog rolls, shooting up on the incline bench press, and bitching relentlessly about Carly Simon. ‘I’m in the last chance saloon,’ he said. At that very moment, we passed by a public house called The Last Chance Saloon. ‘Oh God,’ said the man. ‘I’ve done it again. Please don’t suspend me from the-.’ But it was too late. The interview was over.

Picture credit: Wix AI