MuskBot recalled for system upgrade

TeslaCorps has been forced to recall all MuskBot 3000 models as a major system fault has been discovered.

The MuskBot series were developed to provide backup for The Great Man, but have been operating independently since Mr Musk's over-inflated ego partially ruptured 18 months ago and left him hospitalised across three west-coast states.

"The 'Bot was upgraded in a bit of a rush after the accident, and is a wee bit patchy" admitted a BotSpokesAI, "but we hoped any anomalous behaviour would be written off as uber-rich white guy privilege spouting bollocks on all subjects under the sun. However, it is now clear that the safeguard features are failing to filter the worst excesses of this behaviour"

When pressed as to how swift this upgrade would be, the botspokesAI mused for a moment

"Well, we might be able to lift some of the control routines from the TrumpDroi ... Whoops - I've said too much"

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UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans

The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.

A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.

The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.

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Scientists: walking is good for you

A new paper released by researchers at The Department of Grant Maintenance at Nottingham University claims that walking can be beneficial for human health. The news is set to quash years of accepted ideas about the advantages of remaining sedentary until you have to lie down to sleep.

Walking, researchers discovered, can in turn help with activities such as walking. ‘Our data shows that the more a human walks the more they are able to walk,’ said one scientist from the group at Nottingham. ‘Let’s say a human being walks only 500 steps a day. We have discovered that by doubling that number, the person is actually able to walk for a 1,000 steps. By such means of calculation we were able to calculate that should a person add, say, 9,500 steps a day they would be walking 10,000 steps.’

The researcher, speaking from a structure that resembled a tower made of some form of hard, white, elephant-sourced material, spoke of the need for humans to not remain stiffly motionless all day every day. ‘Not getting out of bed is just not as healthy as we previously thought.’ But the scientist warned that there is a limit. Why? ‘Because there is a limit to everything except, it seems, the expansion of the universe.’ That, he added, is also good for human health due to the fact that a universe folding in on itself would eventually eviscerate all atoms. ‘And thus we wouldn’t be able to walk.’

Numerous past generations spoke of the benefits of ambulation on two legs and, before the invention of the motor car, would even walk to Tescos. Indeed, Tesco in Latin means ‘the store to which one must walk.’ And the motto of one of the legions deployed to Brittanicus in the second century AD was ‘Qui non ambulat est kunt.’

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