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Emerging young actor not related to any famous old actors




Journalists writing about the much-hyped new Channel 4 series “Devington Hall” have made the remarkable discovery that its breakout star, Sebastian Cutlery-Drawer, isn’t related to any famous actors.



”I was writing the standard puff piece about him, as his agent requested,” said Glenda Sludge of the Independent. “I was about to write that being the son of whoever only meant he had to work even harder to prove he was there on merit, when I realised I couldn’t remember whose son he was. 



“So I googled him, and I couldn’t believe it - it turns out his dad’s a solicitor and his mum’s an accountant. I mean, WTF?”



The producer of the show denied they were going out on a limb by casting a young actor with no show business family connections.



“You do realise, all the actors whose kids are now entering the profession were themselves cast just because they were good actors? Believe it or not, that used to be the norm. It’s only in recent years we’ve started treating showbiz families like some kind of gold mine, to be exploited to exhaustion before we even consider looking elsewhere.



“Besides, Channel 4 only gave us permission to do it on condition that Jeremy Irons’ son, Anthony Minghella’s son, Jude Law’s son, David Tennant’s son, Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman’s daughter, Peter Hall’s daughter, Tilda Swinton’s daughter, Imelda Staunton’s daughter, Phil Collins’ daughter, Lenny Kravitz’s daughter, Andie McDowell’s daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter would all make an appearance before the end of the first series. And maybe a Beckham or two, if they fancy giving acting a go?”


Manchester United Replace Football Department with AI Chatbot




In yet another swingeing cost-cutting move, Manchester United have fired their entire football department and replaced it with an AI chatbot. ‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe believes that the new chatbot will incrementally enhance the marginal gains produced in every phase of organizational endeavor up and down the value chain,’ said a club statement. Calls inquiring whether the statement itself was written by AI went unanswered.



The chatbot may not be fully prepared to take on all of the football department’s responsibilities, according to club sources. ‘Yesterday, when asked what direction the squad should take, the chatbot advised hiring Jose Mourinho, bringing in Antony, and suing to obtain half of Rock of Gibraltar’s stud rights,’ said one knowledgeable insider. ‘So, yes, we clearly still have some distance to travel.’ The source said the aim was to have the chatbot in ‘something approximating working order’ prior to the summer transfer window.




Man U’s football department ‘has admittedly not performed well over the last decade,’ said Alfred Newman, Assistant Professor of Obvious Football-Related Statements at the University of Manchester. ‘But to go in with both feet on AI will be difficult for an organisation not renowned for its advanced thinking.’ Newman said that Man U should consider ‘first utilizing an algorithmic decision-making device of a more basic nature, like, say, a dart board.’




The football department's demise comes as the team continues to struggle under manager Ruben Amorim. The Portuguese encountered more heavy seas this week after he reportedly advocated loading his squad onto a rocket and firing it into the sun. According to a team source, Amorim later acknowledged that he regretted saying ‘the sun part.’


Women footballers ”every bit as vile as male ones”



The WFA, the governing body of women’s football in Britain, proudly announced today that women footballers are officially now “every bit as vile as the male ones”.


“In the past, if you heard a footballer had got so drunk they’d thrown up in a cab, refused to pay for it to be cleaned up, then racially abused the police officer who arrested them, you’d have assumed it was a male player,” said spokeswoman Jessica Diesel. “Probably one who plays for Chelsea.


“But now that Sam Kerr has done all those things, no one can deny that female players have become every bit as entitled, spoiled and generally obnoxious as their male counterparts. It’s an important step towards equality in the modern game, all the more impressive as they’re doing it for much less money.


“Of course, it’s still a Chelsea player, but some things will never change.”


However, some have pointed out that parity with the male game won’t be achieved until a prominent player has an affair with another one’s wife, leading to enormous tension in the dressing room and some very explicit chants from opposing supporters. Sam Kerr replied that after a couple more vodka and Red Bulls, she’d be happy to oblige. 



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