Cinema to trial “playing off” long, self-indulgent films

The tendency of actors to use awards ceremonies as a platform for long self-indulgent speeches has long been the bane of TV producers trying to prevent the show overrunning.

Repeat offender Adrien Brady spoke for seemingly several hours after winning 2025’s Best Actor Oscar for his role in The Brutalist, thanking everyone he ever met as well as setting out his philosophy of life, the universe and everything.

“He even shared some favourite recipes at one point,” said one veteran Oscars watcher. “Though to be honest, I may have nodded off and dreamed that bit.”

“It was exactly like the film,” said Dave Acrylic, manager of the Vue Multiplex cinema in Hanworth. “It carried on long after you’d got the point it was trying to make, and in the end just got tedious.

”Which made me think, why not just ‘play off’ any film that outstays its welcome by just rolling the closing credits?”

He added that he hadn’t yet worked out exactly when this would be for every film, though in the case of The Brutalist he thought “probably about the beginning of the third day.”

image from pixabay

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BBC welcomes exciting new bureaucrat to replace boring old bureaucrat

'We are delighted to welcome a new person dressed in a trouser suit to the ridiculously overpaid post of Chief Content Officer,' said a BBC spokes-minion, addressing virtually no one in a press briefing room at New Broadcasting House.

'Her job will be to sit in meeting rooms and nibble biscuits while saying 'Ooh, I quite like that' every time someone suggests a really rather tired and derivative programme idea - adding the words 'let's discuss that at another 120 meetings'.

'This is a vital post to fill,' the spokes-drone continued, 'following the departure of our last, vastly overpaid, Chief Content Suit, Charlotte Any-Moore-Biscuits. You'd probably never heard of her, but she was a key corporate apparatchik who sat in meetings about a whole range of really seminal BBC programmes - which most of you never watched.'

At this point, an empty red trouser suit strode purposefully to the dais and said: 'In this role I am determined to optimise output variables by benchmarking key targets for our content performance with new and flexible benchmarks which you can operate horizontally, vertically or even turn upside down - with all our future programmes being sprinkled with new, cutting-edge AI dross.

'Do I watch TV myself?' said the suit, replying to a mumbled question from a bored reporter. 'Not really. There's so little worth watching nowadays. Don't you agree?' 

Picture credit: Wix AI

Everybody has forgotten the England manager's name

Just five months after he was appointed as Gareth Whatshisname's successor, it seems nobody can remember the name of the new England football manager.

Fans all over the country are at a loss to name the bloke and not a single fan could pick him out from a line-up, if their life depended on it.

'I think he's called Brian, or Gary, or Terry, or something like that,' one fan told us.

'Have they sacked Venables, then?' another fan queried.

Newsbiscuit contacted the FA for clarification and their spokesperson told us they knew exactly who he was, he was the best and would win trophies, before hastily hanging up the phone.

Picture credit: Wix AI