Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded reactionaries in Britain may take a stand and not watch the compelling, 100% factual Adolescence and its promised follow-up.

'We are now getting Labour to make its poodle MPs pass a law fining people £500 for failure to view every second of these Netflix masterpieces.

'You will all then be obliged to get into a huge moral panic and fret out loud, at dinner parties and in public meetings, about how absolutely awful 'these incels' are.

'There will also be custodial sentences for 'Adolescence deniers' - people who claim its plot is not perfectly truthful. It is a real-life documentary, as the Prime Minister stated in the Commons. You only have to see the terribly life-like camera techniques they used to know how right he is about this.

'We are also demanding legislation to make Paddington Bear Britain's new patron saint.

'The statues of him popping up on benches across the country are to be treated as sacred objects, and anyone caught defiling one will be subjected to a tedious sermon on inclusivity from some self-righteous judge who wants good copy in the papers.

Picture by Nabil Saleh from Unsplash/Wix

Harry Potter and the Trans Character who meets with an Unnecessarily Grizzly Death

A whooping JK Rowling was allegedly seen orchestrating an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, searching for trans people to 'ask legitimate questions'. That came after a legal ruling on representation on public sector boards was celebrated by all the wrong people.

Rowling and Graham Linehan are said to be co-writing a buddy comedy where all the trans characters are either evil killers or suffer gruesome torture and recant their trans-ness before dying horribly - or both. Both Rowling and Linehan cited William Shakespeare as a writer who would never use characters who cross dress or change gender.

One anti-trans activist proposed trial-by-toilet for trans people. '100% of trans people either want to commit or have committed or are committing right now, sex crimes in public toilets. Now that is not true, but it might be, which is close enough. Why are you so in favour of sex crimes in public toilets?'

'We must put trans people on trial, by dunking them into a public toilet. If they drown, then they're innocent, but if they survive, then we can legally put them to death on JK Rowling's birthday.'

Another interrupted, frothing at the mouth. 'I blame Les Dawson and maybe Mrs Doubtfire. Is hunting with dogs still banned? Typical lefties! We'll just have to resort to some good old fashioned, common sense, mob justice – maybe throw in a cheeky little lynching here and there for variety. I just can't wait to smash what I don't understand.'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Man Utd goalie replaced with own waxwork

Light was shed on recent Manchester United results when it was discovered that goalkeeper André Onana had accidentally been replaced with his own waxwork.

The team visited Madam Tussaud’s in order to take a lot of lame, jokey photos of players next to their waxwork figures for the newspapers. Somehow, in the confusion, when they left they took with them Onana’s waxwork rather than the goalie himself.

'It’s easy to be wise after the event,' said manager Ruben Amorim. 'But yeah, when you watch footage of recent games, it’s pretty obvious. Even the real Onana did move occasionally as the ball went past him.'

'I did wonder why we had to carry him on and off the field,' admitted defender Harry Maguire. 'I thought he’d just had a heavy night, or sumfin.'

Asked whether it wasn’t suspicious that the figure just stared gormlessly into space the whole time, Maguire replied, 'Well, I’m old enough to have played with David Beckham, so...'

Meanwhile, the real Onana still in Madam Tussaud's has had to put up with a lot of indignities, especially from Man City fans. This got so bad that one day he snapped and tried to clout one of them round the head. Unfortunately he was so slow to react, the offending fan was already on the tube on his way home.