Games Night at the White House

The Trump team posted a picture of the big orange man baby playing Uno and 'holding all the cards'. As you win at Uno by getting rid of all your cards, this suggests that Donald may play Uno according to his own unique and made-up rules.

But he doesn't just play Uno! He plays lots of games and makes up his own rules to all of them. Here's a quick rundown...

Monopoly - on your first go, the Trump tactic is to borrow everything you need from the Bank of Sevastopol and buy everyone out. You win! For a quicker game, just confiscate all the Monopoly sets until you have a Monopoly monopoly.

Risk - attack everywhere - except Russia and China, obviously - and refuse to accept defeat even after you've obviously lost. When you have nothing left, you win by declaring 'mission accomplished'.

Old Maid - this is the only game where Melania is allowed to win, even though Donald only plays small hands.

Buckeroo - the winner is the person who gets the most things when the horse bucks.

Mousetrap - win the game by demolishing everything on the east side of the board. Donald likes this game because the movements distract everyone and make them think that something useful is happening. It isn't.

Russian roulette - always go last, after everyone else has had a good go at it.

Cowboys and Indians - always choose cowboy and get ICE in to sort out the Indians.

Russian Cluedo - the candlestick and the rope are by Novichok and a window.

Russian Monopoly - played on the London board. The winning player is the one who acquires all the properties.

Chess - Donald plays with very big pieces and his opponents play with small pieces. His king can move wherever it wants. Queens aren't allowed. Bishops must remain silent. Win by jumping over all your opponents pieces and going off in a huff.

Pictionary - You've seen Donald's handwriting. What makes you think he's ever going to play Pictionary? He played once, with Epstein, but his drawing of a woman's body and accompanying message didn't impress.

Obama Llama - to win, set fire to the box and jump up and down on it

Exploding kittens - Donald's favourite game, which he insists on playing with real kittens.

Cluedo - it's always Mr Orange in the Ballroom with an infeasibly large marker pen

Image: Doerge - Pixabay

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All lightbulbs now obsolete

From midnight tonight, all of your lightbulbs are obselete. New, more efficient and greener bulbs will be available from tomorrow.

'It's the circle of light,' said an industry spokesman. 'Once you only had bayonet fittings bulbs in clear or pearl. Then we invented different wattages. Then it was mushroom fittings. Then it all went to cock.

'It was IKEA's fault. They wouldn't do bayonet fittings, so suddenly half your light fittings needed one of those stupid American screw ups. You know, the ones that work their way loose when they get hot.

'Then greedy manufacturers realised that - just like inkjet printers - you're stuck buying the bulbs once you've bought the lamp. So we get golf balls, mini golf balls, SES fittings, halogens, strip lights, GU10's, MR13's and AK47's. No, I made that last one up. Please don't try to order those on line.

'So, all of the old stuff is now redundant. P45's will replace most old bulbs, or failing that a UB40 or an IHT 400 or triple A's. Old light fittings are inefficient, ugly and too big, so the new bulbs will only fit new lights. The changeover will be fine, just like Freeview, decimalisation, DAB radio, Blue-Ray or stamps with barcodes. Boy scouts will be available to help, and they've all had first aid training.

'The government is fully behind the switch over (switch over - geddit?), but recognises that some people may spend some time in the dark. Why not use that time to reflect on how much time you've wasted replacing old things that worked with new things that don't?'

Image: qimono - Pixabay

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Great Election results, say all party leaders

Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted.  And all the party leaders agree that they got great results.

Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy.  And also of removing the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

Nigel Farage is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry South constituency for the Reform Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This result illustrates the importance of a tough, mean-spirited and uncompromising policy on immigration.  And also of maintaining the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure further donations to guarantee my security, and if this result is replicated nationally, then we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

Keir Starmer is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry Central constituency for the Labour Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This was, in some ways, a narrow win. But a win is a win.  The result illustrates the importance of, err, change, and delivering change with a laser focus, difficult decisions, broadest shoulders etc.  And also of delivering on the other manifesto commitments, like, err, you know, the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure donations for some more free suits and spectacles, and if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

The Plaid Leader has rejected criticism of their candidates' performances in all the Dingleberry constituencies and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘Many English voters strongly support Welsh devolution, including our policies to treble council tax on second homes, reducing speed limits to 15mph, doing absolutely everything in Welsh, and not allowing English pensioners to use their bus passes on buses in Wales.  And on pensions.  Everyone seems to mention pensions.  We are confident that we can win over voters everywhere, and that we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

The SNP Leader said, ‘On this occasion, and for one time only, I entirely agree with my Plaid colleague.  Independence now!’

Kemi Badenoch is pleased to have almost taken the Dingleberry West constituency for the Tory Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This very close but catastrophic result illustrates that there is further work to do to expunge the appalling legacy of Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Dominic Cummings, Dominic Raab, Gavin Williamson, and all the other dimwits who spaffed the Tory party up a wall.  We have a clear policy to scrap Stamp Duty, and will deliver a second policy very soon.  It will probably be about the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, then the Conservative Party will survive the next General Election and live to fight another day.  ’

Image: . mounsey - Pixabay ’

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