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Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.


Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.


Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.


The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.


Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.


Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..


A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'



Image credit: Wix AI



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Holmes called faithful housekeeper Mrs Hudson into his consulting room. Watson stood behind his chair looking serious. Holmes coughed, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say.


“Mrs Hudson, Watson and I have noticed that the number of biscuits placed upon our saucers at tea time has decreased by thirty-three percent. I am unable to account for this. I see no evidence of you squirrelling away part of the shopping money to spend on gin, fancy clothes or to give to an unsavoury acquaintance. Your behaviour remains constant, and I must therefore ask you to account for the reduction in my dark chocolate gingers. Should you be concerned for my health, Watson assures me that the dark chocolate gingers aren’t my most pressing vice.


“There is no mystery, it’s the price of comestibles now, have you not heard of cossie livs?”


Dr John Watson looked thoughtful. 'Cossie Livs, does she do business from an address in Soho?' he asked.


An awkward silence descended on the room, like a tree falling due to the palm oil industry.


'It’s shrinkflation,' said Mrs Hudson, sadly. 'You’re getting less for the same price. You’re also getting cheaper ingredients. Palm oil is in your chocolate, bread and biscuits now. It's everywhere. Last night it slid into bed with me and whispered that it wasn’t even the worst oil.'


Dr Watson sighed, “Might as well add a statin to all these foods then”. He frowned.


Holmes sniffed at his dark chocolate ginger and wondered at the folly of the modern world.



Image credit: deep dream generator



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The puzzles editor of the Washington Post is in big trouble after yesterday's Sudoku.  Donald Trump has demanded his resignation, MAGA activists have been burning copies of the paper and ICE investigators are checking his family tree for non-American DNA.


The problems were caused because every row of the Sudoku contain the consecutive digits 8-6-4-7, which is taken to be an exhortation to kill the President.


The puzzles editor has defended his position.  In a scary meeting with the right-wing press, he suggested that - because a Sudoku only uses the digits 1 to 9 - it was inevitable that this would eventually happen. 


The editor gently hinted that some MAGA supporters might be overthinking things a bit, as the sequence 8647 could appear in many places – credit card numbers, licence plates, phone numbers, bank account details.  It was important to remember that the sequence of digits was almost always NOT an exhortation to murder.


In unrelated incidents, the top line of yesterday’s cryptic crossword answers read LOSER and TRUMP, the first column read VOTE DEMOCRAT, and the word ladder puzzle challenged readers to change GOLD into SHIT by changing one letter at a time.




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