‘We know he’s out there, and in distress,’ said Flight-Lieutenant ‘Chuck’ Waggon. ‘He went down in a flaming fireball, in a massive and catastrophic crash somewhere over Washington DC. But we believe he’s alive, and we’ll use all our efforts to get him back.’
‘Washington is a big city. We are using drones to reconnoitre every square inch of land inside the Beltway. We have deployed our top helicopter teams and told them to stay well clear of the airport and the Pentagon. If the US Air Force can’t save this desperate man from starvation, self-mutilation and mockery, then no-one can.’
Hopes for the stranded man are fading. Among the wreckage search teams have found a torn and dirty red baseball cap, alongside burnt gold trainer, and an almost full can of hair product. But these items were strewn over a wide area, offering little clue to where the man is, where he may be going, or what he might do next.
‘We’ve received one garbled message,’ said Chuck. ‘It was contradictory and didn’t give us any clear direction. The copious use of expletives suggest that the man is in desperate trouble, and fears for his survival. He is posting on social media at all hours of the day and night, but it's garbled, nonsensical stuff, and it's hard to separate the fact from the fiction. For example, in some posts he pleads with NATO to join the search, but in other posts he just tells NATO to eff off. He did use the actual F word, but I'm too embarrassed to repeat it now.
‘We are calling on US citizens to join our search teams. Several patriotic and stout-hearted citizens have responded since we upped the reward for finding him to ten million dollars. Our fear is that enemy hostiles are also looking for the man and are very keen to take him hostage and parade him on TV. We are worried that he might like that. But we are also very sure that he won’t have any truck with Stockholm Syndrome or any foreign nonsense like that.
The US Air Force say that their search would be more successful if their annual budget could be bumped up by a couple of billion dollars or so.
