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Chancellor welcomes falling prices

The Chancellor has welcomed the latest data from the ONS that shows falling prices in the last two weeks.


This new data bucks the trend of rises prices throughout 2025.


A government spokesman told us that, in the week before Christmas, prices for many vegetables had fallen, as shops offered deals at 5p, 8p and 15p for bags of short dated produce. In addition, there was a measurable fall in the price of advent calendars.


'Since Christmas, there have been dramatic falls in the prices of brandy sauce, mince pies, Christmas crackers, tree decorations, panettone, goose fat, and wrapping paper. Chicken prices have also fallen due to a lack of demand for poultry products in the post Christmas period. And there are early indications that the prices of diaries and calendars will fall in the new year.


'The government very much welcomes this evidence that its policies are delivering for the British people, and that inflation is now well under control. If this positive trend continues then the Prime Minister has promised to come out of hiding to take the credit, and to talk up Labour's chances in the May elections.'



New Citizenship Test Questions

Just how British are you? The NewsBiscuit Citizenship Test* has been designed by idiots to assess your knowledge of this green and (mostly) pleasant land.


Q.   How many days was Liz Truss PM for?

A.   Way too many


Q.  Is Boris Johnson best known for  a) fathering lots of children  b) defying his own lockdown rules  c) a lamentable response to the covid crisis or d) all of the above?

A.  a, b, c and d are all acceptable answers.  And there are a lot more acceptable answer beyond these...


Q. You are in a takeaway outlet getting a hot drink.  How many sugar packets should you take?  a) what you need   b) an extra one, in case the drink is too bitter  c) as many as you can fit in your pockets

A.  b, if there is a security camera, otherwise c


Q.  If someone has left a mattress in their front garden is it because  a) they are offering overnight accommodation to the destitute  b) it wouldn't fit through the door  c)  it's a sign that you can buy illegal substances there  d) there's a marital dispute and someone is sleeping outside

A.  The best answer is d.  Half marks for a or c.  No marks for b unless it is a brand new mattress in its wrappings.


Scored 4? You're fully British. Oh, and it's your round.


Scored 2-3 ? It's your round. Welcome to Britain


Scored 0 - 1 ? You're probably thick. You'll fit in fine. It's your round.


*Not actually valid for citizenship - you'll have to sit a much harder test for that



NHS fears Man Flu season not yet at its peak

A&E departments up and down the country are reporting record numbers of middle aged men crowding corridors with serious sniffles and occasional coughs searching for spare gurneys to flop on to.


'The Christmas break is when we expect the worst, when the stress of loading the dishwasher finally breaks the immune system,' said a consultant today.  Apart from the stats provided by Health Trusts, there are other strong indicators such as the meteoric rise in 'man-size' tissues, up 200% year on year.  'That may be distorted by the year-on-year increase in downloaded porn, though.' suggested a market specialist.


Women are urged to avoid contact with diagnosed Man Flu patients as contact may result in a little irritation and a need to share the hot water bottle.  


'The crisis is usually over by the morning of New Year's Eve,' said the A&E consultant.  'When the patients realise that the booze won't buy itself and that their wives can't be expected to supervise themselves preparing enough food for half the street,' he added.



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