‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers

‘We could run out of make-up within days,’ warn Dubai influencers

Influencers across Dubai have warned that make-up supplies and beauty product are running low and could run out within days unless the Government acts now to replenish their dwindling stocks.

You Tube influencer Gemma from South London said the Government must step in to make sure beauty products and top brand merchandise can reach those that need it most.

‘This war could not have come at a worse time’ said Gemma…..’I’ve got a whole new range of Satin Kajal liquid eyeliner to promote and my internet connection could go down at any minute.

'The support we have had from the English Government has been woeful so far….It’s almost as if we influencers are irrelevant, of no importance….. It is terrible that people are dying….I get that. But I’m trying to sell leading brands of eye-liner and nail polish here….I can’t do that with bombs and guns lighting up the sky in the background of my You Tube feed.

'I’ve got 100,000 followers waiting to see me applying skin tone to my cheek bones later tonight…..I’ve got a new rich cool-toned product endorsed by Hollywood celebrities. Nobody wants to hear the sound of ambulance sirens and fire fighters drowning out my interview with Selena.

'Even everyday things like cotton wool are running low….those selfish people at the hospital are stock piling it all and making an influencers life virtually impossible.

'If it carries on like this for much longer I would like the Government to send a Gulfstream to get me and my two cats out of here.

'There are times when life can be so unfair’.

Image: armennano - Pixabay

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Neighbour confirms plans to mow his lawn more than you

Your next door neighbour has confirmed his plans to mow his lawn much more often than you, and to generally take much better care then you of his plants, flowers and shrubs over the coming year, you lazy sod.

Terry, 68 (retired), marked the start of March with a ceremonial first cut of his lawn, although he’s been doing lots of jobs in the garden over the winter months too, you know, getting things ready for the Spring, composting, weeding, mulching because you’ve got to keep on top of things, haven’t you? Haven’t you? You haven’t, have you? You’ve done absolutely diddly squat.

Whilst your sorry patch of grass looks like something out the Day of the Triffids, Terry’s already has pristine Wembley stripes on it, and he could do yours for you if you’re too busy or haven’t got the skills, it’s no bother, really.

‘The annual publishing of Terry’s gardening timetable for the next 7 months is always an exciting moment, although perhaps not for you, his horticulturally incompetent next-door neighbour’, noted Luscious Rose, from the Royal Horticultural Society.

‘Long, but unpredictable patterns of use of a noisy strimmer from 9am every other Sunday’, continued Rose. ‘Looking up from his careful deadheading of flowers as you head out in your car to innocently point out ‘it’s a lovely day for some gardening isn’t it - oh, you’re off out are you?’.

‘And sighing heavily on a hot May bank holiday Monday as he creosotes both sides of the jointly owned fence between your two properties. It’s all there for you to look forward to till the end of October when you’ll vow that next year you’ll do a bit more in the garden.

Terry has also confirmed his plans to clean his own car every single week on a Sunday morning, even though it looks completely pristine anyway, just so he can make you feel inadequate as you say hello to him on your way past to get into your complete shit-tip of a vehicle.

0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.

A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.

'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'

When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.

“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'

Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.

Photo by Mahibul Hasan Fahim on Unsplash