Starmer fires Lord Vader, but finds it difficult to remove his title

Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing.

The prime Minister made the following statement: 'We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be honest; as it turns out he was building a gargantuan space station armed with a planet destroying laser. We should have seen the signs, and we failed to act, and for that we are truly sorry.'

He continued, 'Being a lifetime appointed Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader can still use that title even after being severely spoken to and tutted at. He was appointed because he had excellent experience in dealing with certain types of people, and was able to manipulate and control weak-minded…..oooohh, I see the issue now.'

There had been many complaints of Lord Vader frightening people with his sorcerer's ways, and he was known to be difficult to work with. It was public knowledge of his association with the evil empire, and there were even compromising photographs of Vader in his pants holding a clipboard. Victims of the Empire’s atrocities were particularly livid about his appointment, especially survivors of the destroyed planet of Alderaan.

Keir finished with, 'As you must be aware, removing a title is very complicated, and the whole process is quite cumbersome. There are all sorts of legal hurdles from the old days and there is the risk of having a lightsabre remove your head, so there is that to consider. We sent HR to touch base with Vader, but he force choked them and threw them against a wall.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives.

'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today.  'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the important piece of incriminating evidence in most cases, despite zero forensic or investigative training,' he added.

He noted there were no known examples of Imams or Sikh scripture readers assisting the police, then qualified that by adding 'in an investigative role, anyway,' but said the Met were open to considering them. Especially if the BBC were to produce any more hard hitting documentaries like the ones he had seen based in the criminal hotbeds of Kembleford and the inner city rough area called Grantchester.

'You can see how effective the clerics are if you use iPlayer on catch-up, possibly on Dave,' he said. 

Unfortunately the spokesman wasn't available for follow-up interview questions due to disappearing shortly after a meeting in his Chief Superintendents' office.  Two nuns and a recently defrocked priest are helping the Met to get to the bottom of the mystery, and the full investigation is expected to be shown on ITV3 later this year.

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Peter Mandelson mildly threatens UK government with inferior biscuits

Peter Mandelson, the emperor of smarm, has exposed himself again. 

This time, it's in favour of already tragically wealthy overseas chums, at the expense of the ever grubbily fingered public purse. Tightening the genital screws on poor, put upon, hardworking Brits, a beaming grimace in softly spoken Rees-Moggian tones suggested that American billionaires should 'mildly threaten' the Treasury to tax them less than zero. Especially during periods of global financial crashes.

It's unclear if the promise to 'mildly threaten' would be a precursor to 'charmingly bludgeon'. The whispering menace prompted some discomforting thoughts:

If you don't do what I say, this dressing gown will slip open a little further;

Your lovely daughter's pony Cherubina could be clippy-clopping ungracefully at next week's gymkhana;

While you're not looking, your luxuriant, velvety bourbons might be replaced with inferior digestives;

Nice Horse Guards address... it would be a shame if someone decorated it less tastefully;

And if you do not tippy-toe more carefully, I may arrange a supper date for you with Michael Gove.

Image credit: perchance.org