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"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population.


"And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else.


"We should cut off welfare payments to the lot of them and ship them back to whatever jungles they crawled out of, at their own expense.


"Whoever thought Britain would benefit from giving houseroom to some treacherous, stripey Asian predator? We've got our own treacherous predators - like stoats and weasels - which are much more my scene."


image by Grok



Undercover reporters have suggested that Deloitte may have helped Roman Ambramovich falsify tax returns, which is like saying you have found out that he does not keep his money under a mattress. Nothing is surprising about this case. It is like being bewildered that he has a team of lawyers, following the other revelation that fish inhabit the sea.


This is in keeping with headlines such as – ‘Billionaire caught owning a yacht the size of a medium-sized democracy. Neighbours stunned’, ‘Magnat revealed to have a personal chef. Investigators still examining whether water is wet’ and ‘Uber-rich avoid flying economy class. Inquiry expected to last several seconds.’

Said one accountant, ‘This is a tax evader caught trying to make more money. How do you think they got to be a billionaire in the first place? And in a related development, bears have again been observed in woodland areas.’


Image by Grok



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King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years.


Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location.


A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they had waived £56 which should have been paid to the charity Venice in Peril.


As part of the settlement Andrew has agreed that he is not, and never was, a brand ambassador for Pizza Express and that 'what happens in Woking stays in Woking.'


image from pixabay



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