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Trump to bomb Oman, but in a good way


The whole Strait of Hormuz thing is a massive, horrible mess, and it makes Donald Trump look like a LOSER. Which is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen, and threatens his re-election for a glorious third term.


But the American President has a solution. He is offering to bomb Oman and the United Arab Emirates – but in a good way.


Bombing the UAE and Oman will save the Iranians a lot of trouble. And bombing in a planned and precise way will mean that the UAE and Oman won't need to use up their valuable anti-missile missiles. Sounds mad? Don't worry. There is some logic to Trump's latest fever dream. The plan is to precision bomb a new waterway from the Strait of Hormuz to the Arabian Sea, so that oil tankers won't have to go past Iran.


'Digging would be way too slow,' said the President, in a rare moment of clarity. 'We can't dig a new waterway in time for the mid-term elections. Bombing will be quick and effective. We still have loads of bombs – good solid American bombs - and we're making new ones all the time. The rumours that we are running out of bombs are fake news. We'll use American shock and awe to build a new canal in record time.


'I'll be explaining my plan to the Sultan of Oman and also raisin it with the UAE. I reckon that they will be right on board. All of that land is just sand and no use for anything, not even golf courses. Once we've bombed it all out, we can scoop up the sand and make sandbags. Everyone in the Middle East wants to buy sandbags these days. We're going to clean up.


'I'm calling the new waterway the Donald J Trump Liberation Canal. It'll be great. And I have no doubt that the UAE and Oman will be happy to pay me back in full for the costs incurred.'




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New Chancellor announces plan to tax mud


John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.


A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.


'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'


Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'


Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.


Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'


'It would really muddy the waters.'




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Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia


Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.


'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?


'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.


'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.


'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'


'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'


'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'


'Are you not entertained?'


Image: WixAI



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