Trump's going to need a bigger trophy cabinet

Hot on the heels of last week's completely made up Man of the Century award comes yet another ludicrous plaudit for Trump. "The Best Person To Have Lived... Ever" trophy will be presented to him at a lavish White House ceremony in December as part of the Christmas celebrations. The prize is understood to comprise a repurposed Junior League baseball shield, a lifetime supply of McDonald's, and fifty-five billion dollars in untraceable cryptocurrency. 

Speaking in The Oval Office to a handpicked pack of press poodles and looking like the cat that got the cream, a beaming Trump said. 'For most people this would be a humbling moment. But for me it's completely deserved and of course it doesn't surprise me. Because... well... I am that person. Yes I am. People have been telling me since I was little more than two. You're the best, they say. And now the whole world agrees.

'But take Barak Hussein Obama... O-bah-ma. He's not the best person. No he's not. He's the worst person. A nasty low intelligence person. They gave him a Nobel Prize. And just like Biden's result in 2020 that vote was rigged, too. I shoulda got the Nobel. Everyone said so. I ended fifty wars. But in the end cheaters never win. Just look at what I'm going to get now. O-bah-ma. It's a tremendous and beautiful thing. Your Nobel prize is a lump of crap. Mine is the best for the very best. That's what it's gonna say on the trophy. So let's see you prove any different.'

The briefing ended when Trump was carried off to the nursery in a sedan chair by JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Joe Mitchell and Mike Johnson for his bottle, and afternoon nap.

photo: Photo by tommao wang on Unsplash

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.

Questions have been asked about how the indebted group can afford such an acquisition plus the cost of the pipeline. A spokesman for Thames explained 'We also get Sellafield as part of the deal. The nuclear waste clean-up there is expected to take another 100 years and cost the taxpayer around £120 billion. We've got a much better plan: We're really skilled at pumping human waste into the Thames so we're going to combine the nuclear waste with Cumbrian sewage and pump it all into the Irish Sea. We'll get the £120 billion which will pay for the entire scheme with loads left over for big bonuses for our directors and massive dividends for shareholders'.

A government spokesman went on to say 'With the prevailing currents, the sea will take the obnoxious mixture and dump most of it on the Isle of Man. The Manx have a weird three legged symbol which is a nod to their existing genetic mutations. The extra radiation could possibly get them back to two legs, on the other hand it could increase it to four or five.

Environmental groups have raised a number of concerns. A spokesman for the Environment Agency said 'I really don't know what the locals are making such a fuss about, with rising sea levels the sea will soon spill over and fill up all the lakes this scheme will have drained. By that time, most of London will be under water so won't need as much. I see that as a win/win. Plus this Government has already opened No 10 North in Manchester and the BBC pretty much operates from Salford. Do you seriously think that anyone is really bothered about anything further North than that?

The Scottish Conservative Party responded 'We do! We've got the largest lake in the UK by volume and a big old wrinkly monster', the Scottish Nationalist Party angrily retorted with 'That's no way to refer to John Swinney'.

Image: WixAI

Much loved by-election character to be retired

British comedian Jon Harvey is to retire his much loved comic creation. He has fought numerous by-elections in character with limited success, but has achieved worldwide recognition and international fame.

'It is time to hang up my costume,' said the comedian. 'As everyone will know by now, I based the character on Al Murray's pub landlord, and now I'm finally calling time.

'My alter ego, Nigel Farage, has been a widely recognised but divisive character. With his pint glass always in hand, I intended him to be funny and also ridiculous. It's a shame that many people took him seriously. I'm particularly alarmed that Rupert Lowe has positioned himself as a ridiculously extreme version of an already ridiculous character.

Fighting by elections as both Count Binface and Nigel Farage was very difficult for me. It required speedy costume changes and a well organised back up team. But I can't be in two places at once and that's why Nigel couldn't attend the declaration in Clacton. And it's why you didn't see much of Count Binface during the campaign.

So that's why I'm 'putting out the trash,' he concluded. 'And I'm retiring Binface as well.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive