Harry and Meghan returning to the UK for lucrative Sky deal

To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas.

It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry complaining about the working Royals, Meghan making jam, and both of them talking about how difficult it is being rich and famous.

Although the King is looking forward to seeing more of his grandchildren, other members of the Royal Family are understood to be less enthusiastic.

The Prince of Wales is believed to have reacted to the news by saying: ‘Ginger and the Whinger coming back here? F*ck, no!’

It is also rumoured that Prince William is now considering joining Reform, having suddenly become very interested in their policies on immigration.

The reaction of Catherine, Princess of Wales, was, reportedly, ‘Oh, that’s such a shame. It’s been nice not having to worry about every family gathering becoming a six-part Netflix series.’

Meanwhile, Princess Anne is rumoured to have asked, ‘Why are they coming back? Did America run out of money? Did Donald kick Harry out?’

Neither Harry nor Meghan will resume their roles as working royals. This means that the Duke will remain a private individual while regularly appearing in documentaries explaining why he is no longer a working royal.

It is potentially awkward,’ said one royal correspondent. ‘Royal fans could soon be faced with a choice between the King’s organic biscuits and Meghan's raspberry jam, and wondering whether buying one of them constitutes taking sides.’

Filming for the couple’s new TV series is expected to begin soon. One Sky executive told us, ‘We’re only interested in getting an argument between Harry and William on camera. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll drop it after one series.’

Image credit: perchance.org

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Harry, Meghan and Andrew star in new visitor attraction, Brassic World

In a move that has left Buckingham Palace reeling, Harry and Meghan are teaming up with Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to launch 'Brassic World', a theme park billed as the ultimate destination for fans of fallen royals.

Inspired by Jurassic World, the attraction will feature carefully contained specimens of disgraced blue bloods, allowed to roam freely in purpose-built habitats.

Visitors can board the 'Exile Express' monorail for a close-up view of Harry and Meghan’s California compound exhibit, complete with Netflix cameras and a live 'Oprah Exclusive' amphitheatre where the animatronic host invites our sympathy with their unfortunate plight of being confined to palaces and red carpet events while wearing fine clothes.

Andrew’s wing promises the 'Pizza Express Alibi Safari', a jungle trek past replica Epstein Island water features and including a thrilling 'Title Stripping Rapids' ride.

The theme park is funded by investors from the failed FIFA World Cup privatisation bid. An early press release claims the venture will 'democratise the monarchy by letting the public gawk at those who fell from The Firm's grace'. However, one critic warned, 'Man shouldn't mess with Royal nature. There's always the risk of escape of a sudden memoir.'

Set near Legoland Windsor (just to rub William and Kate's noses in it), visitors are asked not to feed the exhibits or enquire about security costs.

Image credit: ChatGPT. Looks like Andrew's had some work done.

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Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’

The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels.

However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms.

'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere where they can be woken at 2am by a complete stranger who’s been given a key to their room,' said charity spokesman Steve Wilkes, who then added, 'They’d be safer on the streets.'

The Government has defended its proposal, insisting that homeless people would be offered 'a warm room with a bed, a tiny kettle, and a self-service breakfast'.

'We think it’s a reasonable offer,' said Burnham.

However, when asked if he would personally sleep in a Travelodge room where a stranger could potentially walk in, Burnham reportedly paused for several seconds before saying, 'Let’s move on.'

One charity has suggested that homeless people could be allowed to sleep in the corridors of the House of Commons, but some MPs were concerned that they would have access to the on-site gym, social club and subsidised bars and restaurants. One MP warned that allowing homeless people into the Commons could set a dangerous precedent: 'Before you know it, they’ll be claiming expenses, taking long lunches and falling asleep during debates.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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