Trump to run for French Presidency

'Failing Emmanuel Macron has been totally letting down the French people with these riots,' wrote US president Donald Trump on his media site, Truthless Sociopath.

'That's why I am going to change my name to Jean-Con Donald Le Trompe, wear a lurid red beret, and do the job properly,' continued the post, which included an off-putting video of Trump chomping on a hamburger wrapped in a baguette.   

'Have you French rioters even thought yet of storming the National Assembly? My supporters stormed the Capitol in Washington and ransacked it for hours, and I pardoned them all afterwards. That's what I mean by doing riots properly.

'And all you French riot police who've been getting grief for firing rubber bullets and hurling grenades at the rioters. I'd let you do what ICE agents do in the US - shoot people out on the streets with high-calibre handguns at point blank range and never get prosecuted.'

'The president is eminently suited for the role,' said a White House spokes-escargot, 'since he eats French fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner and dreams about French kissing every blonde on his staff.

'And the President will be bringing some traditional, wholesome American political values to the degenerate French,' croaked the spokes-grenouille.

At press time, Donald Trump was posting pictures of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris with a vulgar Arc de Trompe built on top of it, vowing to change the name of the Champs Elysee to the Champs Ivanka, and offering every French voter a 5,000 euro election bribe.

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Chancellor to put economy in bowl of rice overnight

To kick start the UK, the Labour Government has set out a series of practical steps – such as wrapping the National Debt in cling film to “keep it fresh” and applying a strip of duct tape to inflation. Said the Chancellor, 'These are meaningful measures — now if you’ll excuse me, I need to blow the lint out of the stock exchange.'

By turning the economy off and on again, it is hoped that we can reboot it in Safe Mode— although we are unlikely to reload public services. Tough measures include putting the housing market in a bowl of warm water to “loosen it up” and trying to reset wages by poking a paperclip into a tiny hole.

Said a Treasury spokeswoman, 'We will tighten the fiscal screws with a butter knife, give the budget a gentle tap with a wooden spoon and try to glue productivity back together.' She paused. 'It was suggested we stick a pound coin under the nation’s wonky table leg and prop up the economy — but that was felt to be a bit risky, as we are down to our last pound.'

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Trump gives Satan two weeks off

The Prince of Darkness (meaning Satan, just to be clear) is packing his bags for a short vacation.  It’s hot, dirty, dangerous work in the seven circles of Hell, and Satan is very pleased to be finally taking a break.

‘It's hard to get away,’ said Satan, weighing up whether to take a book by David Walliams or Russell Brand.  ‘I do like to be on hand for natural disasters, new wars, Zionism/racism incidents, and so forth.  I’m always keen to strike while the iron is hot.  And round here, it’s always hot.’

‘I haven’t decided where to go yet,’ he added.  ‘Middlesborough sounds very promising – up and coming, I’m told.  I don’t want to do the Middle East again, I’ve been there a lot recently.  I almost booked a working holiday in Texas, rounding up immigrants with ICE, but they'll only take US citizens.  And France is very tempting as the protesters are setting a lot of fires, so I’d be in familiar surroundings.

‘Anyway,’ Satan continued, folding pairs of asbestos underpants, ‘I’m very grateful to Donald Trump.  He’s agreed to step in and mind the shop while I’m away.  He’s been my apprentice before and he's good at it.  He knows how to torment people.  And he knows how to string people along, making promises he’ll never keep, and reneging on deals when it suits him. Maybe a bit too good.  Everyone's always pleased to see me when I get back.

‘Donald has lots of friends in the underworld that he's keen to catch up with, and he’s looking for a 28-bed molten lava pit near a nice golf course in the first circle.  He does still think that he can get into heaven by slipping St. Peter a massive bung. Bless. I chatted St. Peter about that, and he nearly laughed his wings off, saying ‘Trump could get into FIFA heaven, possibly, but not the real deal’.’

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