Trump gives Satan two weeks off

The Prince of Darkness (meaning Satan, just to be clear) is packing his bags for a short vacation.  It’s hot, dirty, dangerous work in the seven circles of Hell, and Satan is very pleased to be finally taking a break.

‘It's hard to get away,’ said Satan, weighing up whether to take a book by David Walliams or Russell Brand.  ‘I do like to be on hand for natural disasters, new wars, Zionism/racism incidents, and so forth.  I’m always keen to strike while the iron is hot.  And round here, it’s always hot.’

‘I haven’t decided where to go yet,’ he added.  ‘Middlesborough sounds very promising – up and coming, I’m told.  I don’t want to do the Middle East again, I’ve been there a lot recently.  I almost booked a working holiday in Texas, rounding up immigrants with ICE, but they'll only take US citizens.  And France is very tempting as the protesters are setting a lot of fires, so I’d be in familiar surroundings.

‘Anyway,’ Satan continued, folding pairs of asbestos underpants, ‘I’m very grateful to Donald Trump.  He’s agreed to step in and mind the shop while I’m away.  He’s been my apprentice before and he's good at it.  He knows how to torment people.  And he knows how to string people along, making promises he’ll never keep, and reneging on deals when it suits him. Maybe a bit too good.  Everyone's always pleased to see me when I get back.

‘Donald has lots of friends in the underworld that he's keen to catch up with, and he’s looking for a 28-bed molten lava pit near a nice golf course in the first circle.  He does still think that he can get into heaven by slipping St. Peter a massive bung. Bless. I chatted St. Peter about that, and he nearly laughed his wings off, saying ‘Trump could get into FIFA heaven, possibly, but not the real deal’.’

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/kgi-one-22522827/

Sally Rooney novels are now 'crack cocaine for book clubs'

British book clubs have begun passing around Sally Rooney novels in brown paper bags, like illicit hooch. One nember spoke on condition of anonymity 'This book is completely different now that its sale has been banned in the UK. I haven't read it, exactly, but I have read the plot summary on Wikipedia. Don't tell anyone.'

'It's like when they used to dub over Gerry Adams' voice on the news and that is what directly led to peace in Northern Ireland.'

A statement from Benjamin Netanyahu's office said 'Normal People? Normalising antisemitism more like. Everyone who has read a Sally Rooney novel or seen a film adaptation is denying the right of Israel to exist. When say the right of Israel, I mean the far right.'

'Israel is also preemptively banning any Wayne Rooney novels, just to be on the safe side.'

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Image: ChatGPT

Trump hires saluki as new White House press secretary

"The President is delighted to announce that he has appointed a golden-haired saluki as his new press secretary, in place of Katie Zacharia," said a White House kennel maid.

"The saluki, chosen at random from Four Legged Friends of Earscratch, Virginia, has all the qualities Mr Trump is looking for.

"She is blonde, doesn't mind being stroked, clams up when asked questions, has zero legal qualifications and can run like hell out of the press room when things get tough.

"The saluki also exhibits dog-like degrees of loyalty and devotion, is dumb enough to support Trump's policies without realising how criminal and stupid they are and, like the President himself, she is completely barking.

"And even if the saluki lasts only a single day in the post it'll be longer than Zacaharia lasted - when measured in dog years."

image by Grok

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