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Premier League confectioner declares ‘No more fudge’

Oct 2

In a break from tradition, the Premier League sweet manufacturer has stopped issuing fudge. A scathing report about a foul stench in East Manchester that left a sour taste in the mouth was expected to elicit a bland, overly sweetened offering from the Premier League confectioner. Instead, they appear to have acquired some aniseed balls at long last.

Allegations that the Manchester organisation had been misrepresenting the amount of Middle Eastern flavourings being stirred into their Hundreds and Thousands have now been proven. Similarly, it has been demonstrated that they obstructed Allsorts of investigations into their activities.

Throughout the confectionery world, there are not many organisations who are still keeping Love Hearts in stock for the Manchester sweet shop.

The Premier League confectioner has not yet determined what sanctions to impose but they are fully expected to be Extra Strong. And The Toffees will probably lose points again too.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

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Future British Armed Forces ‘will be the best prepared ever’ say influencers

Gerontius

Oct 1

Influencers across the UK are saying that any unit sent into battle to represent UK interests overseas will have the best skin care regime of any fighting force ever assembled. Mz Kola Jean, a 23 year old influencer from Romford who is now based in Dubai says there is no excuses for any of the armed forces to go into battle with poor skin quality or split ends.

‘If lower ranking members of the British army follow my daily skin care regime and keeps up a healthy hair routine then they will go into battle looking their very best. Even after an exhausting 12 hour yomp deep inside enemy territory, culminating in hand to hand combat with an elite Taliban fighting unit your skin and hair will still look great.

'Even the most battle hardened mujahideen veteran will marvel at your flesh tones while mutilating and defiling your body before feeding it to their dogs. And those carefully crafted blonding highlights won’t go unnoticed either,' she added.

Fears that UK youth are unprepared for the threat of future war were dismissed by Mz Jean who said his/her/their generation will be the most prepared ever.

‘We have spent our lives preparing for this’ said Mz Jean ‘ the hours and hours spent in front of a mirror has prepared this next generation like no other. You will be hard pressed to find any Generation Alpha with a skin blemish or mark that is not designer made or influencer verified….our cheekbones will be the most plumped and blushed of any army.

'Make-up during warfare have come a long way since Mel Gibson’s clumsy attempts at looking great in Braveheart…..that blue foundation was never going to work with such historically inaccurate tartan braids.

'Most of us already have neurodevelopment disorders any way….and you can’t be more prepared for war than that. That is how prepared we will be’.

Image: ThePixelman - Pixabay

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Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service

Sully

Sep 30

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service.

‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’.

Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective still hasn’t agreed a constitution and looks to be months away from commissioning its first Tik Tok advert featuring baby-faced Burnham enjoying a pack of the skin-based delicacy.

‘It’s all about momentum’, the spokesman told us. ‘Andy has to announce something new every week or someone’s going to point at him and laugh, and it’ll all be over. Once people realise he’s just a bloke it’ll be like the end of Whistle Down The Wind, only more Northern. We need those Tik Toks, we need a coherent policy on pork scratching distribution and we need a really big can of WD-40, pronto’.

Image: File:Prime Minister Andy Burnham arrives at 10 Downing Street (55406541496).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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