Small child found safe and well in Tesla vehicle.

Following discussions about Tesla's user friendliness, and demands for that sleek look, a tragedy has been averted as a small child has been discovered in the wheel arch of a family's brand new car. The parents tried to explain the mishap.

'It all started with the door handles,' explained dad. 'We were going for a drive, but no door handles were to be seen. As a family, we split into groups to try and find a way to get in the car. In the end, we found one door handle under the bonnet, which we were excited about, but it wouldn't open the door anyway. Apparently Tesla have said that some sort of planetary alignment is necessary to produce the necessary energy to get a result. Some mention of crystals, too.'

Mum continued. `Once we got in, using a claw hammer, we realised we couldn't locate the steering wheel but eventually it was found in the back section of the glove department. I must admit it does make steering awkward at times. Most serious of all, we realised our youngest child was an apparently a casualty of this voyage of discovery, but after a protracted search involving sniffer dogs, the coastguard, several police forces as well as local volunteers, she was located just below the wheel arch in what Tesla describe as the passenger seat. As she didn't seem to mind too much, we thought we could leave her there as long as she keeps her elbows in and doesn't spoil the look.'

Image: JACLOU-DL - Pixabay

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Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America

The conflict in Iran is over.  Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America.  This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken.

Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order and then posting about it on his Truth Social app, an Iranian spokesman admitted that his country no longer had the means to control the flow of shipping through the waterway. He said, 'We have no choice but to stop all our military action in the face of such a devastating change to paperwork regarding the conflict being issued by the White House.'

Buoyed by this success after only six months of mistreating his servicemen and women, using up most of his military inventory and murdering schoolgirls, Trump is apparently considering whether Greenland should be referred to as the Green Land Of The Free.  Suggestions that Pete Hegseth was to be renamed Pete Competent Hegseth were however dismissed as ridiculous.

image from Grok

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Our guide to the Edinburgh Cringe

It’s that time of year again, when people from London and the Home Counties head north to the Edinburgh Cringe, to remind themselves how lucky they are that only the best of the performing arts ever make it to where they live. In an artistic equivalent of slumming it, they will experience the untreated sewage of the nation’s theatre, comedy and performance poetry before it’s filtered down to the 1% that’s actually any good. 

Highlights of this year's Cringe include:

1) A self-described “anarcho-syndicalist theatrical collective” consisting of students on the drama degree at De Montfort University, formerly Leicester Poly. Their piece is untitled and unconstrained by “traditional oppressive theatrical structures” such as a script or rehearsals, but basically makes the point that Donald Trump is a twat.

2) Edgy comedian Steve Basingstoke brings his unique postmodern, surrealist perspective and satirical eye to current events, concluding that Donald Trump is a twat.

3) Angry lesbian poet Jocasta Clunge recites Flow, her epic poem about how her menstrual blood could wash away the patriarchy. Oh, and Donald Trump is a twat.

These performances will take place in a variety of venues, many of which are used as store cupboards for the rest of the year but now have been given punning names in the hope visitors will confuse them with real venues. 

We managed to catch up with Simon and Emilia Lexus at Waverley Station as they headed back to Bath after an exhausting week of trying to see as much as possible.

”You always hope you’re going to see the next Fleabag before it becomes famous, a fact you can then bring up for the rest of your life whenever anyone mentions Fleabag,” said Simon grimly. “But no, just complete shit again.”

image by pixabay

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