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Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays


"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.


"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.


"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.


"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.


"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."




Dorset threatens to annex 'Wightland'


Tensions are rising along the south coast of England as Dorset prepares to claim the Isle of Wight as its own. Dorset County Council has denied sabre-rattling. However at a packed press conference a council spokesperson stated:-


“The Isle of Wight is vital for our security, and it is blatantly unable to defend itself against hostile actors. We have creditable information (supplied by the West Midlands Police ‘Intelligence’ Department) that the Island – or Wightland as we shall rename it – is under imminent threat from invasion by Hampshire, Sussex, and Kent. We also understand that Rutland is urgently looking for a warm-water port for their navy.


It is not true that we are only interested in the island’s vast mineral wealth. I mean how much chalk do you actually need? However we might be interested in some of the highly valuable rock deposits, although we may have some challenges with the wording in the middle, for example changing Shanklin to Swanage. And we are definitely not interested in the dinosaurs. We have enough of the old codgers who moved to Bournemouth to retire.”


However the spokesperson did admit that the county acquiring more coastline was an attractive proposition. “Sandbanks is one of the most expensive places in the country to live. If we could replicate this on Wightland we could drive council tax takings into the stratosphere. With the obvious benefits for education, social services, and Council Leaders salaries.......”




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