0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.

A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.

'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'

When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.

“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'

Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.

Photo by Mahibul Hasan Fahim on Unsplash

Norfolk pub quiz team continues search for funny name

A local pub team from Norfolk are continuing their search for a funny team name, after months of an exasperating, fruitless weekly search.

The 4 earnest quizzers, led by their team captain, Eddie, 56, are mainstays at the Thursday quiz at the Prince Albert in King’s Lynn, and do well in the quiz but continue to be frustrated with their efforts to come up with a humorous or pithy name for their team.

‘Everyone knows the name of the team is just as important as your performance in the quiz’, said Eddie. ‘When Dave the quizmaster reads out your team name, it can make or break your week depending on whether you get a little cheer, a few laughs, or whether it’s just met with tumbleweed and total silence’.

‘Our problem seems to be we just go for quite factual names with no attempt at humour. Our team is all made up of wholesale fishmongers at King’s Lynn fish market, so we went with ‘Norfolk and Weigh’ - factually correct, I suppose , but no-one’s laughing at that are they?’.

‘The week after, we had a friend join us - Elizabeth Swallocks, we call her Betty’, continued Eddie. She juggles in her spare time, so we went with ‘Juggling with our Betty Swallocks’ that week. Again, it said who we were, but it’s not exactly funny is it.

‘A couple of weeks ago, another mate of mine joined the team - Peter York-Hunt, as he was down in King’s Lynn playing Aladdin in the annual panto. Our team name that week - suggested by Stan, was Aladdin York-Hunt. I told Stan we needed to try and find some humorous angle rather than just describe our guest team member, but there you go’.

‘This week I don’t know what we’re going to do for a name’, continued Eddie. ‘None of the regular team can make it this week, so I’ve asked my mate Mike Candells to step in. He’s bringing his 3 brothers with him too. They’re all fanatics of the Two Ronnies. All four of them. All four Candells, would you believe!’

‘I was thinking of some Two Ronnies related pun or gag - ‘The Worm that Turned’, or ‘it’s good night from me, and it’s good night from us’, something like that. What do you think?.’

Starmer shows Trump how Churchillian he is

Rattled by Donald Trump's jibe that he is "no Churchill", Starmer appeared in the Commons wearing a bowler hat and bowtie and smoking a large cigar.

"We will fight them on the beaches!" growled Sir Keir from the despatch box.

'Subject to the restrictions on military activity in Section 46 of the Coastal Amenities Act, 1972,' he added, inadvertently returning to his default setting of pettifogging, rules-bound lawyer.

Going back to bulldog Churchill mode, he barked out: 'Some chicken! Some neck!' before saying: 'Please don't hurt me, Mr Trump.'

To groans and catcalls from both sides of the House, Sir Keir shouted out desperately: 'Now we are masters of our own destiny!

'And that's why this government will never again dare to refuse a demand from the US presidency," squeaked the latter-day Churchill, "no matter how blitheringly idiotic it might be.'

Hat-tip to lockjaw for the image