'Outside pissing in' and 'inside pissing out' both unacceptable, confirm tents

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 

'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's loft.

'Well, let me tell you, both are f*%king unacceptable,' shouted the Berghaus tent angrily.   

'Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have a stream of warm, cidery-smelling urine cascading onto you at 3 in the morning, when someone cannot be arsed to go the toilet block?', continued the indignant Berghaus tent.

'Getting splashback on your inner or outer canvas are just as bad as each other, I have to be honest. It's still piss. It takes ages to dry, and the long-term staining is undignified and demeaning for any tent. 

'From a practical point of view, I have to raise a genuine question', concluded the Berghaus. 'Andy Burnham or Wes Streeting? Okay, unpleasant as it is, I can visualise them both pissing inwards, slightly left-of- centre or right-of-centre, probably while they robotically recite pledges about what they'd do better than Starmer when they're leader.'  

'But what about Angela Rayner? Is she outside, or inside the tent? And how exactly is she going to direct her harder-left stream of urine outwards or inwards? Maybe she'll be perched on a ladder or something?

'And if Keir Starmer were to stand himself, presumably, he'd just piss all over himself.' 

Image credit: Wix AI

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.

'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.

'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.

'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.

No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.

At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.

Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?

It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.

Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.

'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.

'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'

'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."

'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'

An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.

Image credit: perchance.org