Ajar front door in TV crime show nothing suspicious

In a first for TV police and crime dramas, a slightly ajar front door confronting nervous police officers as they arrive at the house of their prime suspect has turned out to be absolutely nothing suspicious at all. 

A genuinely innocent oversight on the part of the criminal to close their front door when they went in to their house, is thought to have occurred in season 7, episode 12 of the popular police procedural The Thin Blue Line of Duty.

'Me and my new partner Mike - a wet behind the ears recent police graduate recruit who is very nervous on his first day on the beat but whose dad was a legendary old school copper who bent the rules but got results - turned up at the door of Brian BigLord, a notorious drugs baron after a tip off about a domestic, and on knocking on the door, immediately clocked that the door creaked slightly open and hadn't been shut properly', said Shelly McBride, a sassy, streetwise and sharp-talking WPC who doesn't take any shit in the still male-dominated local station where she works. 

'We gave each other a knowing glance, and then assumed our standard acting positions to enter the house - me in front with my truncheon out, Mike behind, covering me as I pushed the door fully open and tiptoed in, fully expecting a chaotic scene of carnage inside, with bodies and blood everywhere', continued McBride. 

'But then Brian Biglord comes to the door and says 'Oh hi, I must have forgot to shut this properly when I brought the big Aldi shop in from the car a few minutes ago. Thanks a lot. Now what can I do yous for? Fancy a cuppa? Lisa, its the local coppers - put the kettle on, lovely will you?'

'That just tops a confounding week for me', said McBride. 'Yesterday, I went to a suspect's house, and for the first time ever, sent a colleague round the back of the house to keep guard before I knocked on the front door.'

'When the suspect inevitably tried to scarper out the back when they saw it was the police, we were right there to nick him without having to do a 10 minute chase through a load of gardens, and where he knocks over a load of bins right into my path to slow me down just enough so he has time to climb over a large wall and then laugh at me as I get stuck at the top of it and he makes his escape'. 

'And a couple of days ago, I noticed a car driving slowly past my house multiple times with 2 blokes looking closely in and pointing at me quite menacingly, accompanied by some scary background music. I confronted them and it turns out they were looking to buy a three bedroom house in the area. My house had been up on the market for ages, but these guys have just put in an offer of the full asking price. Result'.      

Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.

'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.

'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.

'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?

'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.

'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.

'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."

Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!

The government is taking action on potholes.

A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.

'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.

'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.

'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.

'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.

'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.

'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'

hat tip to Titus for title