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Trump to build Arc de Stalemate in Washington DC

"No other city on earth has what I'm going to build here in our capital," crowed America's demented president.


"I call it the Arc de Stalemate, and it will commemorate the many, many months that it's taken for me to reach any type of peace deal with Iran which isn't an admission of total failure on my part.


"This arch will be built on the main road out of Washington and will have a pillar right down the middle, stopping any traffic from getting in or out of the city. And the US Navy will be mooring ships in the area to shoot up any vehicle trying to sneak around the outside.


"It's a pointless project that leaves everyone a lot worse off - but that's pretty much what the war has been, folks!


"And I'm going to be asking Congress to give me a billion dollars. Not necessarily to build my arch. I just want them to give me a billion dollars."



Nigel Farage to release a cover version of 'I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles'


Words I make up, well, you know I'm that M P

I'm the kind of man who makes up lies to you

When I walk out, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who walks all over you

If I get power, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who makes life bad for you

Forget all health care, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna privatise the health care meant for you


Well I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who brought the Nat-ional

Health down to the floor 


When I'm workin', yes, you know it's not to be

It's not to be that I am workin' hard for you

It's those with money who decider the work I do

And I'll keep each 'n every penny meant for you

When I buy homes (When I buy homes), oh, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes your home from you

And if you grow old, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes all benefits from you


So I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who told a thousand

Lies and start a Ci-vil War


Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na dumb iddy dumb iddy dumb iddy-ots you are!



National Trust blasts feckless oiks

The National Trust has blasted 'feckless oiks' for failing to visit its properties.


Visitor numbers are well down at National Trust properties and the organisation faces a perfect storm of rising wages, rising energy costs, visitors reducing their travel because of petrol costs, and a growing disinterest in dingy oil paintings, looted artefacts and overpriced scones.


'They bloody well should come,' shouted Major Reginald 'The Bastard' Phipps-Nuttington. 'The landed gentry built this country and the least the feckless oiks can do is come and pay homage, to see what they could have if they worked bloody hard or married into the the right family. No-one respects people of quality any more. Bloody disgrace. Turning up with their Thermos flasks and their tupperware. Cheapskates!'


An oily PR executive attempted to smooth things over. 'The Trust holds valuable historic assets for the benefit of everyone, and provides solid, well paid jobs for the idiot children of the aristocracy. These days we are extremely PC, right on, and woke - pro-diversity, anti-slavery and so on. Just don't mention hunting.


'So it is everyone's responsibility to visit, to pay the entrance fees and the car park fees, to buy expensive jam, wine and fudge, and to keep the flag flying. I for one don't want to retrain in Search Engine Optimisation.'


A feckless oik said, 'I've had enough of being ripped off by the National Trust They only want my money to pay for roof repairs and oily PR executives. Their scones are no better than Lidl's. I'm not having it. I'm spending my money on Go Ape or an Escape Room and a bottomless brunch. That's way better value than watching ageing volunteers planting out weeds in a walled garden.



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