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Ring bemoans lack of hats being thrown into it


A Westminster based ring has complained about the severe lack of hats being thrown into it, it has been confirmed. 


Ringo Tsar, 35, a 24-inch diameter composite metal ring with silver plating cut a dejected figure outside 10 Downing Street this afternoon, as it became increasingly clear that there were unlikely to be a procession of head-covering objects being thrust in his general direction.


'Times have never been as tough in this game as they are now', noted Tsar sadly. 'When a PM resigns there's usually plenty of hats being thrown in. When Johnson left, there were more hats than you could throw a shitty stick at. Same with Theresa May - it was like that scene in The Thomas Crowne Affair where there are hundreds of Pierce Brosnan's wandering around an art gallery in black bowler hats.'


'Even in 2008, when Tony Blair resigned and Gordon Brown was nailed on more than Jesus on Good Friday, John McDonnell took off his Che Guevara style beret and tossed it into me to generate a bit of a leadership contest', continued Ringo. 


'Not this time, seemingly. Keir Starmer steps down, and its just Andy Burnham, sombrely placing his slightly left of centre, man of the people cap in, and everyone else bloody well steps aside.' 


'To be honest, I might throw my own hat out of myself, or would I throw myself off of any hats I have inside me, I don't know. Anyway, I resign', concluded the ring confusedly. '



Starmer's resignation speech leaked to the press


With the curtain coming down on his premiership, Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Sir Keir Starmer is said to be outraged that his resignation speech has been leaked to the press, as they may necessitate a delay in the resignation as he prepares a replacement.  Downing Street sources meanwhile are disputing the authenticity of the speech. But they would, wouldn't they? The speech in full is reproduced below.


'It has been a great honour to be Prime Minister of this great country of ours, and to steer the Labour party away from anything resembling socialism. I set out to make Tony Blair look like a filthy commie and with my measures regarding disabled people in particular, I think I succeeded. Added to that, as people get stabbed and shot all around us, I have taken measures to classify people holding placards as terrorists, and I’m sure future generations of Israelis will thank me.


Alas, nothing lasts for ever. I inherited a mess and made it worse. Yes, there were circumstances beyond my control, but the lefty critics in the British media will overlook that in their search for a story. People talk about old people dying of the cold in winter, but I believe it’s better than being blown up by left wing Palestinian sympathisers or shouted at by antisemitic protesters.


I’m sure my successor will bend to the Zionist lobby if he knows what’s good for him (I say he, because obviously Labour do not ‘do’ female leaders) so I leave you with this message.


For the sake of my extended family in Israel, please, Bibi, stay strong. Continue the self defence that so many fools label as genocide. The decent people of the United Kingdom stand with you.




"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"


The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government.


"Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries.


"Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in two years' time. That's our style! With us, he could have said 300 years. It would take us that long to load a musket.


"Keir is the perfect sloth leader, happy to do nothing more dynamic in his life than to read official papers very deliberately and hold everlasting meetings at which damn all is decided.


"His talent for total inaction is wasted on the citizens of the UK and it's only a matter of time before he sees sense and joins us here at our Amazonian Jungle branch, 100 feet above the ground in Mato Grosso."




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