'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

The phrase 'carriages at midnight' on the bottom of a wedding invitation does actually mean you should order your own cab at the end of the evening's festivities, it has been confirmed.

The news ends intense speculation from recipients of wedding invites everywhere that they might be welcomed by a fleet of lavish, 19th century horse-drawn transportation with gold-leaf trimmings, welcomed by an army of fawning footmen, at the end of the wedding reception at a provincial hotel, to take them back to their Premier Inn lodgings in the nearest town centre. 

'Yeh, sorry about that, no Cinderella-style carriages, but you can use the phone in the Mercure reception area, which connects you directly to Arrow cabs, who are both reliable, and very competitively priced', said Mark McBride, one groom-to-be, in response to numerous queries.  'Maybe we should have put that instead on the invitation, to be fair'. 

'And while you're here, 'Dress Code: Fully Fabulous' means wear a dress, or a suit and tie, no wacky shite, please', continued McBride. 'And I hope 'the bar is open but your wallet is too' is clear enough for everyone to decipher.'. 

'Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt, 'Your presence is our present, however if you would like to follow tradition...' does actually means 'definitely buy us an expensive gift, or even better a cash transfer into our bank (account details below)' confirmed McBride.  'Do you know how much this bloody wedding is setting us back!'. 

World Cup: Trump to score winning goal

Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup.  If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game.  The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal.  If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks.

Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is hard enough to get over the goal line.  His trainers told him ‘it’s like golf, but the ball is bigger, and you hit it with your leg’.  His handlers have decided against trying to explain the offside rule, as nothing about the President is ever off.  And rules are, in any case, a flexible concept.  MAGA supporters have secretly donated millions of dollars to pay off the goalie of the other team, to ensure that the President’s shot will hit the back of the net.

The Goal Scorer in Chief as he dubbed himself, is confident he will be the hero of the World Cup.  MAGA members are clearing the way – denying visas to key trainers on opposing teams, making the Iran team do day trips from Mexico, feeding foreign players lots of Bud Lite, that sort of thing.  He is particularly looking forward to awarding himself a winners medal, which will be much bigger and shinier than all the other winners medals.

When asked if he’d prefer to make the winning touchdown at the Superbowl he turned it down. Explaining, ‘The Superbowl is two genuine all-American teams slugging it out in a very American way.  As President, I couldn’t join one American team to play against another.  Not unless one team was from a staunchly Republican state and the opposition were lily-livered Democrats.  I could easier score the winning touchdown, but I wouldn’t want to divide the nation.  Not again.  But I am ready to win the World Cup for the USA.  It will be fair payback for all the effort we’ve put in to shaft the fans on ticket prices, rail fares and bottled water.’

Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash