Leavitt out

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family. Her office released the following statement:

‘I am incredibly grateful to President Trump for granting me so many extraordinary opportunities to lie to so many people. I have loved working in the West Wing and spending countless hours in the Oval Office, flying around the world and meeting foreign leaders, and traveling across our beautiful country and meeting Americans from all walks of life. And lying to all of them.

Most of all, I am thankful to the President for entrusting me with the distinct privilege of lying on his behalf at the White House podium. I have lied with great pride about the disastrous accomplishments of this Administration, and I have relished lying to the liberal media in order to ensure the American people hear our carefully curated lies about President Trump’s failures.

Being a mother and welcoming a new baby while lying my way through one of the most demanding jobs in the world has been the most rewarding yet challenging season of my life, to say the least. Whoops, sorry, I may have accidentally been truthful about myself there, apologies.

If I had a heart, I may have felt in it that I could not be the mother that my two young children deserve while devoting the time, energy and lies required of the White House Press Secretary. But I’m going to say that is why I have ultimately made the bittersweet decision to depart the White House and embark on a new chapter of lies in my life. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to be associated with President Trump’s declining, sorry soaring, popularity.

President Trump has asked me to continue lying as a top advisor to him on the outside, and I will always remain a vocal liar for MAGA and the Republican Party.

And to demonstrate that my ability to lie remains as strong as ever, let me say goodbye and, with a straight face, give a message to all of my fellow Americans: I love you all.’

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Government announces all future laws to be based on emotion

The Government has announced a radical overhaul of the legislative process under which laws will no longer require evidence, consultation or any consideration of unintended consequences, provided something sufficiently upsetting has happened in the previous 48 hours.

Under the new system, ministers will be able to introduce legislation immediately after saying: “As a father, I was horrified.”

“This is 2026,” said a Home Office spokesman. “The public simply doesn’t have time to wait for facts. When something terrible happens, people want to know that the Government has immediately made something else illegal.”

The new procedure, known as Emotion-Based Legislation, will begin with a photograph of the victim, followed by interviews with grieving relatives and a television presenter asking a minister: “Surely something has to be done?”

Ministers insist the reforms will make Britain more responsive.

“For too long we have allowed lawyers, experts and people who have actually read the proposed legislation to obstruct the democratic process,” said the Justice Secretary. “The important question is not whether a law is necessary, proportionate or enforceable. It is whether you can look that family in the eye and tell them you oppose it.”

Civil liberties groups expressed concern that laws made in the immediate aftermath of shocking events have historically tended to be badly drafted, excessively broad and difficult to repeal.

Their comments were condemned as “insensitive at this time”.

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Bashar al-Assad cancels Edinburgh stand up show over death penalty

Former dictator Bashar al-Assad has been forced to cancel his week long run of stand up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe after the Syrian courts sentenced him to death in his absence.

The 20 minute show, entitled 'Damn ass cussin' was scheduled to begin on Saturday, despite early mixed reviews.

The Guardian had slated his act as 'torturous' saying that Assad 'murdered his material', while The Independent said that his show had been tried and tested over the last few years on the Moscow circuit and that as a result he was 'killing it'.

A statement from the festival organisers apologised for the short notice cancellations and confirmed that all tickets would be refunded.

'Bashar is of course very sorry for disappointing his fans, but we're sure everyone appreciates that while dying on stage is an occupational hazard for any comedian, being dragged out into the desert and having a bullet fired into your skull at point blank range is no laughing matter. Even for McIntyre.'

They continued 'we remain fully committed to meeting the obligations of our acts during the festival and are doing everything in our power to ensure there is no further disruption to the schedules. Which is why we have sent Lee Mack on a diplomatic mission to the Iranian Islamic Republic to try and get the fatwa lifted from Mel and Sue. At least until the end of their run.'

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