Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea, because it would never occur to such an honest guy to be that brazenly corrupt,' explained a White House-spokes app.

'Instead, it was put into his head by an AI app developed by the Trump Corporation, called MalignantNarcissistCompulsiveLiar. It's designed to produce the most crass and venal policy option that it can possibly dredge up from the cesspits of its artificial imagination.'

The spokes-gremlin then showed the app's answer to this question from Donald Trump: 'How can I keep control of Congress when everyone hates me?'

It replied: 'The best way of winning elections when everyone despises you and thinks you're a total liability is to offer voters a straight bribe of $500,000.'

The AI goblin continued, with bare-faced honesty: 'It doesn't matter if you don't explain where the money would come from. You've never been able to explain where your money comes from.

'Besides that, the election bribe story will keeps you on the front pages for another day, leaving your opponents to froth and rant about you in impotent fury.'

'And don't forget,' continued the White House spokes-cockroach, 'there are millions of folk out there who are so stupid, and so desperate for cash nowadays, that they now genuinely believe they're going get that $5,000,000.

'So why wouldn't President Trump offer an open election bribe?' it continued. 'Especially when it's not his money he'd be giving away.'

Image: WixAI

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Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.

42-year-old Dan Chubb explained: 'My GP told me I was clinically obese. I thought that was a bit rude, seeing as I'd only popped in to pick up my mum's prescription for haemorrhoid cream. Still, I took it seriously and signed up at the local gym. The instructor said I needed a fitness watch, so I bought an Apple Watch. It cost over £800, but he told me if you want to take your health seriously, you've got to have all the best kit. It actually comes in really useful for timing how long it takes my Deliveroo order to arrive – when I remember to charge it, that is.'

Brushing biscuit crumbs from his man-boobs, Dan continued, 'Someone at the pub said cycling helped him lose loads of weight, so I bought a top-of-the-range racing bike, plus a helmet and full lycra gear. I can't actually squeeze into the lycra because they don't make it in my size, but once I've lost a few stones I'll be able to humiliate myself on public roads like everyone else.'

Dan has also invested in elite running shoes, ‘the exact same ones Usain Bolt wears', although he admits they're mainly used for walking between the sofa and the fridge. 'They're a bit tight,' he said, 'but hopefully they'll loosen up once I start running. Which I will. Soon.'

His diet plan is similarly high-tech. 'My brother-in-law uses protein powder for bodybuilding, so I bought loads of that. It's disgusting on its own, but not bad sprinkled on chips. I actually think it's made me put on more weight, but apparently muscle weighs more than fat - so technically I might just be ripped underneath.'

Asked how much exercise he'd actually done, Dan looked puzzled. 'Exercise? I haven't had time for that. I've been too busy working overtime at the call centre to pay off the treadmill I use as a clothes hanger. But once I get a rowing machine, I reckon the weight will just fall off.'

Image: Brian Wangenheim (@brianwangenheim) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Old King Cole makes it clear all The King's Men should not put Humpty together again

Humpty Dumpty is not a working royal and will not be allowed to carry out official engagements such as 'sitting on walls', a letter sent on behalf of the King spells out. He will remain 'a free range egg', says the Lord Chamberlain, a top Palace official.

The King's letter has been sent to Mr Dumpty's team, government departments, military officials and all the King's Horses, according to Palace sources. It makes clear that any engagements carried out Humpty will be in a private capacity and he will not be representing the 'jolly old soul' in any capacity.

It seems to be something of a shot across the bows, making clear that any visits by the egg should not be treated as royal engagements. This comes ahead of what are likely to be public appearances by Humpty Dumpty this autumn. He has kept a very low profile since falling off the wall.

The message from the King emphasises that the position agreed when he was 'put back together again' - the so-called Scrambling Agreement - is still in place. This ruled out any 'half-in and half-out' status, as he is most definitely not 'a curate's egg'.

Image: Jimbo457 - Pixabay

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