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'I can't eat any more' enters its fifth day

The Turkey (or Nut Roast) meal went down a storm, the Turkey butties after seven, also, but not so much the Nut Roast butties.  The Boxing Day curry was hailed an amazing meal, even from the Nut Roast corner.


But on awakening on DAB (Day after Boxing) Day, the population shunned breakfast, nibbled on a mince pie and sipped orange juice all day.  Same for the next day, with fridge doors being opened, a mountain of fayre stuffed in Tupperware boxes reviewed and the door being closed silently.


Everybody is stuffed.


It is estimated that supermarkets really don't need to open for several days after Christmas Day as virtually nobody can face any food.  A consortium that represents all the popular supermarkets as well as ASDA and Tesco stated, 'we're quite relaxed about the situation.  Natural bodily functions will rebalance the buying population and on New Year's Eve they'll descend on us, spending 230% of their monthly disposable income on food and booze.  Mostly booze, to be fair, and most of the food will end up in the food waste bins.


'Or as pavement pizzas which includes the booze,' the consortium stated.  'Happy New Year'.



Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Yorkshire explorer mounts expedition to the source of the M1


"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."



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