Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.

Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.

Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 

One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.

'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'

Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

'Every sodding Monday, Nigel Farage holds a press conference and every time he says the same sodding thing,' groaned a spokes-hack for Britain's political correspondents, emerging from the conference room with bleeding ears.

'It's always: Brexit hasn't been tried properly... Britain is broken... the BBC is woke... foreigners should be starved and deported. Then he goes and says it all again on GB News, for hours on end.

'We've heard it so often that we don't bother taking notes any more. We just drip hot wax onto our hands to try and keep awake.

'Having heard Farage utter his pisspoor collection of half-baked views for the 3,650th time in a year,' said a spokes-pint for Guinness Publishing, 'We had no hesitation in naming him the new world champion for sounding like a broken record.

'He eases out Margaret Thatcher, who held the spot for 23 years by screeching 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' throughout the Falklands War and the rest of the 1980s.'

The latest Reform UK press conference became slightly less tedious when the ghost of Lord Haw Haw appeared above Farage's head and said in a slurred voice: 'This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased'.'

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

US President Donald Trump is aiming to pick just one of the many responses to allegations regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and then attempt to stick with that. Here is a list of possible candidates:

- Bill Clinton has a big beautiful sax and Trump just had to put his not-weird-at-all lips on it... and blow. How's that for working across the aisle

- it’s all a hoax generated by Biden and Obama. Since their respective retirements, they have been busy writing the Epstein files and over 20,000 fake emails about him because they are nasty people

- Trump does not know anything about what’s in the Epstein files even though journalists told him how many times his name appears in them and his own staff were tasked with going through them in detail

- Trump is not in favour of the release of the remaining documents regarding Epstein’s conviction out of respect for the victims whose details should not be shared with the public. Including those victims who have already come forward to tell their stories, but they are all liars

- one victim of Epstein sex-trafficking said that she never saw Trump participate in any abuse before she committed suicide, so therefore it never happened despite countless others alleging it did

- Under questioning, Ghislaine Maxwell did not tell Trump’s Deputy Attorney General anything at all that could incriminate Trump so it must all have been a misunderstanding. Maxwell’s transfer to a low security institution where she’s been given a puppy while she prepares her petition for clemency is not relevant here

- Trump has had nothing to do with Epstein since the early 2000s and all the evidence that indicates that they were still besties at the time of Epstein’s conviction is fake

- There is no proof that Trump did anything wrong; the mountain of circumstantial evidence, the huge number of victim statements, the frequent attempts to cover up and prevent the release of the Epstein files, the inactivity on the election promises to ‘drain the swamp’ and all the other evidence means nothing

- These stories are just an attempt to distract the public from Trump’s wonderful achievements in stopping fictitious wars, blowing up Venezuelan drug smuggling fishing boats and bringing in trillions of dollars in tariffs passed on to US consumers

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