Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.

During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.

Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.

'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.

'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'

'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'

It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.

'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?' 

Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium to showcase his comedy talents, it has been announced.

The news comes on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag about how in an era of cuts in defence spending, Tony Blair's long form essay criticising the Labour Party was an example of 'drone warfare''.

'It was like listening to Dudley Moore or Bill Hicks in their prime', said one MP. 'Once the laughter and tears subsided, it was no surprise to see Ed's agent from Avalon come into the chamber with a deal for Ed.'

Davey's show 'Ed's you win, Tales you lose', is being billed as a mix between old school variety stand up, Jimmy Carr-style confrontational cultural commentary, and Stewart Lee-esque deconstruction.

'I'm not saying my mother in law is fat', quipped Davey. 'She's really not but her ongoing use of Ozempic does raise important questions about the long-term funding of weight-loss drugs on the NHS'.

'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman' continued Davey. 'Under a devolved government structure, it is vital that our honourable Welsh friends, as well as Metropolitan mayors are represented in all formal consultative machinery of the state'.

'This is the natural next step for us as a party' said a Lib Dem spokesperson. 'After all, our 'Liberal Democrats Winning Here' placards and signs at local elections have been causing hilarity for months'.

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay, 'she's an intellectual wasteland who has no properly thought-through analysis of how the world was changing and what that meant for policy.”

'Does our economy need right now the goal of net-zero misanthropic killer robots? Taxes are high and getting higher, how do we justify adding to the ballooning cost of fighting the T-1000?'

A cold, soul-less, mechanical killing machine that pretends to be human, Tony Blair recognised the T-1000's unorthodox methods were 'controversial', but argued that voters liked its 'efficacy. its ability to get big things done...the challenge of democracy is not transparency, honesty or conspiracy theories about the hidden power of elites...definitely not those things, or Skynet.'

Blair criticized Starmer for not giving Skynet the backing it sought: 'It's not the best way to treat our ally, Starmer should hand John Connor in to the friendly liquid-metal law enforcement agent, the CPU and severed arm of 1984 T-800 terminator should not be destroyed and Starmer should return them to Cyberdyne's vaults.'

'Deregulating AI is the route to economic prosperity and social justice', said Blair, accusing Starmer of 'addressing the dangers rather than seizing the opportunities.”

Asked if there was a risk of danger from Skynet becoming self-aware, Tony Blair pointed to over half a million people killed in the Iraq civil war due to his failures, showing he was already dangerous, despite having no self-awareness whatsoever.

Image: WixAI