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Jonathan Gullis Defection Means Lee Anderson No-Longer Thickest in Reform

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Residents of Ashfield in Derbyshire were delighted with the news that their Member of Parliament is no longer the dimmest member of the Reform Party after former MP Jonathan Gullis announced his defection from the Conservatives.


"He's never been the sharpest tool in the box," one resident told us," like that time he got caught asking a mate to pretend to be a floating voter who he talked round to voting Conservative, but he looks like Stephen Hawking compared to that pudding."


Gullis himself was delighted to sign his membership for Reform, once the committee found a crayon for him in a colour he liked. "It was difficult," one of them said. "First he had a tantrum because there weren't any dark blue ones, only turquoise. Then we had to get him to stop chewing on it long enough to make a mark on the paper. Luckily we've got people trained in that after the rush earlier this year of people signing people up to be prospective councillors. All it took was a sippy cup of juice, a quick nap, and he was good as gold!"


Though happy with their conquest, the party isn't resting on its laurels, remarking, "We've now poached the cream of the Tories in Andrea Leadsom, Nadine Dorries and Jonathan Gullis. We're still courting our big blue chip Tory, but getting them to come over is proving difficult. However, we're looking closely at the demands from their team. All it apparently is going to take from our side is an assurance that the headquarters is a completely lettuce-free zone."



Lies about the budget were within government's set limits for duplicity, says Reeves

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"Kemi is saying I lied to the public in the run-up to the Budget, softening them up for tax rises they didn't really need to pay," whimpered Rachel Reeves, wiping a customary tear from her eye.


"But my lie was well within the limits for day-to-day deception that this government has set itself," continued Honest Rach.


"For example, I said on my CV that I had worked for 10 years as an economist at the Halifax, when I actually worked in their complaints department.


"This year's lie wasn't half as false as that one so, in real terms, I'm getting more honest.


"My golden rule is not to mislead the public any more than is strictly necessary to ensure our political survival.


"I had to persuade you I had to raise taxes because I needed to get the money in to remove the child benefit cap. I didn't tell you the last bit.


"But I had to remove the cap to mollify all those left-wing backbenchers who wanted me and Keir out. f that had happened, you'd have had some quasi-communist like John McDonnell as chancellor, and Diane Abbott as PM.


"Is that what you want? Because that's what you'll be getting unless you're prepared to swallow one or two tiny little fibs from me."



Your Party Expel People's Front of Judea From Conference

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Supporters of the Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana fronted Your Party have seen their founding conference fall into disarray after claims of a purge due to rules forbidding membership of multiple organisations.


As well as members of the Socialist Workers Party having their passes cancelled, the greatest expulsion has been members of the People's Front of Judea, a political organisation with nearly 2000 years of history. Critics say the group has been removed on a technicality due to its support for a Jewish state, and support for Trans rights.


Speaking outside the venue, one member voiced his frustration, telling anyone who would listen, 'This is symbolic of our struggle against oppression that's happened since the founding of the PFJ. We will not rest until our struggle is recognised and we've successfully brought all UK infrastructure under public ownership, except those where privatisation has been shown as directly beneficial, or ones that our pension investments are index-linked with.'


Other groups refused entry included the Judean People's Front, but not the Popular Front, as no-one noticed him when he turned up.



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