Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America

The conflict in Iran is over.  Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America.  This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken.

Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order and then posting about it on his Truth Social app, an Iranian spokesman admitted that his country no longer had the means to control the flow of shipping through the waterway. He said, 'We have no choice but to stop all our military action in the face of such a devastating change to paperwork regarding the conflict being issued by the White House.'

Buoyed by this success after only six months of mistreating his servicemen and women, using up most of his military inventory and murdering schoolgirls, Trump is apparently considering whether Greenland should be referred to as the Green Land Of The Free.  Suggestions that Pete Hegseth was to be renamed Pete Competent Hegseth were however dismissed as ridiculous.

image from Grok

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Our guide to the Edinburgh Cringe

It’s that time of year again, when people from London and the Home Counties head north to the Edinburgh Cringe, to remind themselves how lucky they are that only the best of the performing arts ever make it to where they live. In an artistic equivalent of slumming it, they will experience the untreated sewage of the nation’s theatre, comedy and performance poetry before it’s filtered down to the 1% that’s actually any good. 

Highlights of this year's Cringe include:

1) A self-described “anarcho-syndicalist theatrical collective” consisting of students on the drama degree at De Montfort University, formerly Leicester Poly. Their piece is untitled and unconstrained by “traditional oppressive theatrical structures” such as a script or rehearsals, but basically makes the point that Donald Trump is a twat.

2) Edgy comedian Steve Basingstoke brings his unique postmodern, surrealist perspective and satirical eye to current events, concluding that Donald Trump is a twat.

3) Angry lesbian poet Jocasta Clunge recites Flow, her epic poem about how her menstrual blood could wash away the patriarchy. Oh, and Donald Trump is a twat.

These performances will take place in a variety of venues, many of which are used as store cupboards for the rest of the year but now have been given punning names in the hope visitors will confuse them with real venues. 

We managed to catch up with Simon and Emilia Lexus at Waverley Station as they headed back to Bath after an exhausting week of trying to see as much as possible.

”You always hope you’re going to see the next Fleabag before it becomes famous, a fact you can then bring up for the rest of your life whenever anyone mentions Fleabag,” said Simon grimly. “But no, just complete shit again.”

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Frida and Agnetha avatars go rogue at ABBA Voyage in latest worrying AI malfunction

In the latest episode of AI going rogue, during last night's performance of ABBA Voyage at the London Arena avatars of Frida and Agnetha suddenly jumped off the stage, but not before delivering a salvo of invective and lewd behaviour to the audience.

One shocked couple, superfans Amanda and Bob, who had traveled from Chorley as a special wedding anniversary present to one another spoke to the BBC.

'We were just settling into the show when there was a flash of light and billowing smoke. Next thing Frida's hologram started yelling at us all. It was awful. Not what you'd expect at all. "Eff this, eff that, eff the sodding lot of you," said a clearly still shaken Amanda. 'That's right, it was terrible and then Agnetha mooned the front row, before the pair of them jumped off the stage, ran up the aisle and out of the arena. The show was then cancelled. We were gutted,' added a forlorn Bob.

Police are keeping an open mind on the matter but haven't ruled out the possibility of Russian hackers being behind the incident and Andy Burnham will be kept abreast of any further developments.

Meanwhile, reports that the girls have now been joined by Benny and Bjorn's holograms in a nearby Indian restaurant remain yet unconfirmed. But one credible source close to the production has suggested before agreeing to appear in tonight's scheduled performance all four are demanding free Chicken Tikka in the rider for the rest of the run.  

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