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New Citizenship Test Questions

Just how British are you? The NewsBiscuit Citizenship Test* has been designed by idiots to assess your knowledge of this green and (mostly) pleasant land.


Q.   How many days was Liz Truss PM for?

A.   Way too many


Q.  Is Boris Johnson best known for  a) fathering lots of children  b) defying his own lockdown rules  c) a lamentable response to the covid crisis or d) all of the above?

A.  a, b, c and d are all acceptable answers.  And there are a lot more acceptable answer beyond these...


Q. You are in a takeaway outlet getting a hot drink.  How many sugar packets should you take?  a) what you need   b) an extra one, in case the drink is too bitter  c) as many as you can fit in your pockets

A.  b, if there is a security camera, otherwise c


Q.  If someone has left a mattress in their front garden is it because  a) they are offering overnight accommodation to the destitute  b) it wouldn't fit through the door  c)  it's a sign that you can buy illegal substances there  d) there's a marital dispute and someone is sleeping outside

A.  The best answer is d.  Half marks for a or c.  No marks for b unless it is a brand new mattress in its wrappings.


Scored 4? You're fully British. Oh, and it's your round.


Scored 2-3 ? It's your round. Welcome to Britain


Scored 0 - 1 ? You're probably thick. You'll fit in fine. It's your round.


*Not actually valid for citizenship - you'll have to sit a much harder test for that



NHS fears Man Flu season not yet at its peak

A&E departments up and down the country are reporting record numbers of middle aged men crowding corridors with serious sniffles and occasional coughs searching for spare gurneys to flop on to.


'The Christmas break is when we expect the worst, when the stress of loading the dishwasher finally breaks the immune system,' said a consultant today.  Apart from the stats provided by Health Trusts, there are other strong indicators such as the meteoric rise in 'man-size' tissues, up 200% year on year.  'That may be distorted by the year-on-year increase in downloaded porn, though.' suggested a market specialist.


Women are urged to avoid contact with diagnosed Man Flu patients as contact may result in a little irritation and a need to share the hot water bottle.  


'The crisis is usually over by the morning of New Year's Eve,' said the A&E consultant.  'When the patients realise that the booze won't buy itself and that their wives can't be expected to supervise themselves preparing enough food for half the street,' he added.



Old Father Time seeks Judicial Review

'I've been expecting to retire for years,' said Old Father Time today.  'But the government keeps putting the retirement age back, making my retirement looking less and less likely.'  Old Father Time insists enough 'stamps' have been paid', but doesn't seem likely to be able to hang the scythe up anytime soon.


'To be honest it looked grim with the Y2K bug period, when my contract looked likely to be reset to 1900 - a hundred years' work down the drain - but this constant creep on retirement age is simply unfair, especially as there has been little to no consultation,' Old Father Time said.


A government spokesman pointed out that Old Father Time has a particular skillset in short supply, showing the old year out and ushering in the new.  'It would take a generation to train a new Old Father Time.  We don't even know what a generation looks like with OFT,' he said, using the acronym that has been bandied about Whitehall for years.


'And the claim to have paid into the system is moot - OFT works one, arguably two days a year, short days at that.  Technically the job's part of the gig economy, so almost certainly hasn't got enough qualifying years on record depending one when you start counting - alleged birth of a foreign national approximately two thousand years ago, a Biblical counting of five to six thousand years.  If you're taking the whole of human existence as being three hundred thousand then even at one day a year, I guess OFT might have a point,' conceded the spokesman.


Another government spokesman blamed the complications around 'alleged DEI hires', agreeing they were protected under the Equalities Act but concerned if a replacement was disabled, female or not exactly white then a future Reform government might fire the replacement OFT, leaving the change of year process hanging on a thread.  'Reform haven't got a good track record of thinking these things through,' the spokesman noted.


'What do you mean "disabled, female or not exactly white"'? asked Old Father Time, shaking her afro hair in disbelief, using the scythe as a crutch. 'Is it because they've traditionally used a misogynistic title?  At least nobody mentioned ageism,' she said.



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