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Government to reintroduce Trial by Combat

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The government is denying it is pandering to Reform voters by overhauling the Criminal Justice system by eliminating the majority of Jury trials.  'Democracy and the Magna Carta is so yesteryear,' said a government spokesman today.


The new system will see less serious trials decided by 'Ips Dips Sky Blue', previously known as the Magistrates court but with the randomness of lay judges removed and replaced by Civil Servants with a top hat and names written on scraps of paper.  Straws might be used as well.  More serious crimes will be utilising Trial by Combat, with the survivor walking free.  'It'll save a shed load in jail spaces,' noted the spokesman, who suggested that white collar criminals should consider going to the gym before hacking their corporate IT systems.


Jury trials will be retained for more serious crimes where important people will need a way of avoiding justice.  For very serious crimes, to ensure nobody is penalised whatsoever, the public enquiry system will be maintained.  Much to the relief of corrupt politicians, fast-track PPE company owners, Post Office officials and refurbishers of tower blocks.




Man with rare condition amazes doctors after gene therapy

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'The improvement is miraculous,' said a handsome doctor in a suspiciously clean white coat. 'The patient has a rare condition that causes indecision, mendacity, randiness, a god complex, and uncontrollable hair.


'After receiving our expert and expensive therapies, he can now construct an apology and appear to mean it. He can manifest fairly normal hair, and he's stopped trying to shag anything in a skirt. But he still lapses into cod Latin when he's under stress, and he still can't understand science.


'His treatment means that he does now recognise the enormous damage he did to the economy, the country, his families, and the health service. But he has shown no remorse and doesn't feel the need to make amends. So although our therapy has many positive aspects, it isn't yet perfect.




MPs Monopoly Club banned from House of Commons

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The cross-party House of Commons Monopoly Club, notorious for its disruptive behaviour, is in trouble with the House Authorities. After a series of raucous disputes, violent incidents and conduct unbecoming, the Club has been banned from meeting in the House.


An insider told us that Monopoly Club members were always arguing about the rules, often dividing along party lines. Tory players were strongly in favour of other players going directly to jail, but felt that they should be exempt.  Tory players were often accused of acquiring properties at undervalue by doing deals with their mates, often in return for get out of jail free cards. And they often tried to pay for properties over 25 years, via PFI deals, or by sneakily imposing charges on Free Parking.


Tory MPs, reluctant to expend any effort throwing the dice, often brought their spin doctors to throw for them. One Tory MP is alleged to have claimed back the cost of his Monopoly properties on expenses. The Monopoly set in the Strangers' bar has no Chancer cards, as Boris Johnson has nicked them all. We were unable to confirm rumours that Boris’ favoured variation of the game was Strip Monopoly. One Tory claimed that he could make up the rules himself if he played his TRUMP CARD. Another claimed that non-doms should not have to pay up if they landed on the Income Tax or Super Tax squares.


Labour members fretted about repossessing properties from players with no money. They removed all of the hotels from the game, because it is party policy to phase them out. Angela Rayner left the club after she was accused of having too many properties. Games where Dianne Abbott was banker frequently descended into mayhem. Jeremy Corbyn did play once, but refused to buy any properties, demanded central control on rents, and tried to nationalise the water and electric companies. He is reported to have thrown the Board across the room before storming off, yelling angrily that the whole premise of the game was fundamentally flawed. He is reputedly designing his own game, provisionally called State Monopoly.


SNP members always refused to play on the standard Monopoly Board. They brought their own Scottish board and played to ‘Scottish Rules’ which allowed for large property holdings to be confiscated by the government and broken up. Scottish Monopoly was usually played with Scottish Pounds, but payment in Euros was also accepted. In contrast, Reform MPs often tried to pay in Roubles.


What is notable is that none of the MPs were willing to play by the standard rules of Monopoly, and all of them tried to add or remove rules, largely to suit themselves. As the MPs were unwilling or unable to negotiate or compromise, Monopoly games quickly descended into violence – much the same as family games at Christmastime. And so, finally, the Monopoly Club has been banned.


Your Party MPs would like to form a new club to play Guess Who? Other MPs are canvassing opinion about forming new clubs to play Twister, Risk or - Keir Starmer’s favourite - Sorry!


Hat tip to lockjaw Sinnick






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