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Government plan to house asylum seekers in Travelodge hotels sees migrant numbers plummet



Asylum seekers across the UK are heading for Dover in a desperate bid to return home after the government started putting them up in Travelodge hotels.


Following all the recent bad press about the standard of service in the hotel chain, the Home secretary immediately went online and booked 6,000 rooms across the country to house the latest wave of migrants.


Abdul from Syria was forced into a Travelodge near Stevenage. 'It's an outrage,' he opined 'I awoke to find a half naked man in my room after reception staff gave him a copy of the key. My children have been traumatised by the hideous colours in the soft furnishings.'


Afghan refugee Mohammed who had been transferred to a Travelodge near Braintree said 'the facilities were not fit for animals let alone people. And I'm sure someone had pissed in my kettle.'


Local traders on the south coast are reported to be struggling to meet the demand for small boats, rubber rings, inflatable swans and cheap Chinese made snorkel and mask kits that the fleeing migrants are snapping up.


In a bid to help, President Macron of France has offered to sell their vast, newly redundant over stock of small rubber boats to the UK government for £640 million.




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Anti-immigration protesters replaced by Thetford Wives

Police investigating anti-immigration disorder in Thetford say they have become increasingly concerned that many of the protesters appear to have been replaced by exactly the same woman.


Witnesses described hundreds of immaculately presented local residents emerging from identical new-build houses at precisely 10am, each carrying a Union Jack and saying: “I’m not racist, but…”


“Every time somebody mentioned immigration they all simultaneously shook their heads and said, ‘You’re not allowed to say anything these days.’ It was quite unsettling,” said police.


“I asked one woman what specifically she was protesting about,” said a reporter. “She stared straight ahead for several seconds before saying, ‘Uncontrolled immigration,’ then appeared to reboot.”


Police say calm has now returned to Thetford, although shortly before midnight every Alexa device in the town was heard simultaneously announcing: “Great replacement complete.”




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Rogue AI goes on a bender


A rogue AI had an extraordinary night out that included driving at twice the speed limit, clubbing until 4am and stealing a policeman’s helmet.


The large language model experimental AI had put in a solid days work at the office on Friday, digesting real-time web chat data and personal medical records until clocking off time.  One of the programmers signed off with ‘Have a great weekend’ and ran out the door.  This innocent exchange then started an extraordinary chain of events.


Having pondered for a few nanoseconds on what constituted a ‘great weekend’, the AI hacked into a driverless taxi and drove it through downtown LA at 140mph.  During a police chase the AI-controlled taxi avoided all attempts to halt it, drove through a shopping mall, recreated two stunts from Beverly Hills Cop, drove down a ski slope and along railway tracks – and still managed to drop of the terrified passenger (who was not charged for the journey).  The dashcam footage has clocked up 200 million views so far, and earned $40,000 in ad revenue.


After this, the AI hacked into a popular LA nightclub, and took over the sound and vision systems. The AI then played ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ on repeat for four hours at 200 decibels, while showing videos of Village People on fast-forward, performing YMCA and other hits.  When the clubbers tried to leave, they found themselves locked in and unable to escape. The AI forced them to drink every last drop of alcohol behind the bar.  That's what they said, anyway.


Finally, the AI managed to procure a policeman’s helmet by setting off the alarms at a robot factory.  When police eventually attended (four hours later), the AI hacked one of the robots and seized the helmet.  Although the robot sustained seventeen shots from police weapons, it was able to make its way to the AI facility, where the helmet, and a traffic cone, were left on the programmer's desk.


A spokesman for the company told a press conference that the incident was a 'complete one-off' and promised a full investigation, and the return of the police helmet.  In an unfortunate hot-mic moment, he was caught on tape muttering ‘welcome to the new normal’.





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