Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.

Questions have been asked about how the indebted group can afford such an acquisition plus the cost of the pipeline. A spokesman for Thames explained 'We also get Sellafield as part of the deal. The nuclear waste clean-up there is expected to take another 100 years and cost the taxpayer around £120 billion. We've got a much better plan: We're really skilled at pumping human waste into the Thames so we're going to combine the nuclear waste with Cumbrian sewage and pump it all into the Irish Sea. We'll get the £120 billion which will pay for the entire scheme with loads left over for big bonuses for our directors and massive dividends for shareholders'.

A government spokesman went on to say 'With the prevailing currents, the sea will take the obnoxious mixture and dump most of it on the Isle of Man. The Manx have a weird three legged symbol which is a nod to their existing genetic mutations. The extra radiation could possibly get them back to two legs, on the other hand it could increase it to four or five.

Environmental groups have raised a number of concerns. A spokesman for the Environment Agency said 'I really don't know what the locals are making such a fuss about, with rising sea levels the sea will soon spill over and fill up all the lakes this scheme will have drained. By that time, most of London will be under water so won't need as much. I see that as a win/win. Plus this Government has already opened No 10 North in Manchester and the BBC pretty much operates from Salford. Do you seriously think that anyone is really bothered about anything further North than that?

The Scottish Conservative Party responded 'We do! We've got the largest lake in the UK by volume and a big old wrinkly monster', the Scottish Nationalist Party angrily retorted with 'That's no way to refer to John Swinney'.

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Much loved by-election character to be retired

British comedian Jon Harvey is to retire his much loved comic creation. He has fought numerous by-elections in character with limited success, but has achieved worldwide recognition and international fame.

'It is time to hang up my costume,' said the comedian. 'As everyone will know by now, I based the character on Al Murray's pub landlord, and now I'm finally calling time.

'My alter ego, Nigel Farage, has been a widely recognised but divisive character. With his pint glass always in hand, I intended him to be funny and also ridiculous. It's a shame that many people took him seriously. I'm particularly alarmed that Rupert Lowe has positioned himself as a ridiculously extreme version of an already ridiculous character.

Fighting by elections as both Count Binface and Nigel Farage was very difficult for me. It required speedy costume changes and a well organised back up team. But I can't be in two places at once and that's why Nigel couldn't attend the declaration in Clacton. And it's why you didn't see much of Count Binface during the campaign.

So that's why I'm 'putting out the trash,' he concluded. 'And I'm retiring Binface as well.'

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God to consider the extra-judicial smiting of Russell Brand, David Walliams

God has categorically denied knowing Russell Brand, despite the thesaurus bothering predator claiming God is with him at all times during his rape trial.

In awe-inducing scenes outside Southwark Crown Court, spokesangel, the Metatron, descended to make a short statement in front of kneeling reporters.

'Behold the Metatron! Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!' said the Metatron. 'When a sparrow falls to the ground, God is there. God knows all the fowls of the mountains and the wild beasts of the land. He has numbered every hair upon your heads. But he highkey rejects any suggestion he knows Russell Brand. And has not clicked like on any of those cringe vids Brand keeps posting claiming they're fam and going to court together.'

'I've read the statements Brand's victims have made,' said the Metatron, before pointing downwards and adding. 'If you want to talk to his bestie, I suggest you try the other chap.'

Disgraced TV personality David Walliams’ attempt to keep his name out of the papers has not been entirely successful, it was revealed today.

Walliams took out an injunction to prevent the papers revealing that he’s the person named in new allegations of sexual impropriety, which he definitely is.

“I would like to state categorically that these allegations are false,” he said today, unconsciously echoing the Little Britain sketches where he played a Tory MP standing at his garden gate doing exactly the same thing. “If the allegations were even about me, which they aren’t.”

Unlike in the sketches, Matt Lucas wasn’t standing beside him grinning inanely, as he knows a lost cause when he sees one.

H/T: eppursimuove

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