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Sudoku editor in bigly trouble


The puzzles editor of the Washington Post is in big trouble after yesterday's Sudoku.  Donald Trump has demanded his resignation, MAGA activists have been burning copies of the paper and ICE investigators are checking his family tree for non-American DNA.


The problems were caused because every row of the Sudoku contain the consecutive digits 8-6-4-7, which is taken to be an exhortation to kill the President.


The puzzles editor has defended his position.  In a scary meeting with the right-wing press, he suggested that - because a Sudoku only uses the digits 1 to 9 - it was inevitable that this would eventually happen. 


The editor gently hinted that some MAGA supporters might be overthinking things a bit, as the sequence 8647 could appear in many places – credit card numbers, licence plates, phone numbers, bank account details.  It was important to remember that the sequence of digits was almost always NOT an exhortation to murder.


In unrelated incidents, the top line of yesterday’s cryptic crossword answers read LOSER and TRUMP, the first column read VOTE DEMOCRAT, and the word ladder puzzle challenged readers to change GOLD into SHIT by changing one letter at a time.




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Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.


The caricature was developed by Nigel Farage, a millionaire commodities trader, as the mainstay for a satirical show called 'BBC News'.


His long running gag-character, a gilded, thin-skinned kleptocrat alien candidate running for election in a constituency he has never been to, in a country he obviously hates, for a people he wants to ethnically cleanse, has been very popular in Clacton.


"I love his costume made of gold and pound notes, which he defrauded me of in front of my face whilst blaming immigrants', said Phillipa, a Clacton resident, "I fall for it every time."


A spokesperson said: “police advised Farage to hold this election, due to a credible threat against his credit-rating.”


This latest antic comes a decade after his famous 'Brexit' caper, where he fooled over 17m UK voters into thinking they'd be "better off" leaving the EU, humorously costing each of them over £3,000 per year.


In a follow-up stunt he convinced them to elect a novelty persona, an incompetent who spoke entirely in pig-latin, Boris Johnson, as a Prime Minister whose toxic and chaotic response to the Covid outbreak likely caused a hilarious 23,000 excess deaths.


Allegations that he looked surprised at these results have been rejected by Farage, who insisted 'that's just how I look'.




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Leavitt out

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family. Her office released the following statement:


‘I am incredibly grateful to President Trump for granting me so many extraordinary opportunities to lie to so many people. I have loved working in the West Wing and spending countless hours in the Oval Office, flying around the world and meeting foreign leaders, and traveling across our beautiful country and meeting Americans from all walks of life. And lying to all of them.


Most of all, I am thankful to the President for entrusting me with the distinct privilege of lying on his behalf at the White House podium. I have lied with great pride about the disastrous accomplishments of this Administration, and I have relished lying to the liberal media in order to ensure the American people hear our carefully curated lies about President Trump’s failures.


Being a mother and welcoming a new baby while lying my way through one of the most demanding jobs in the world has been the most rewarding yet challenging season of my life, to say the least. Whoops, sorry, I may have accidentally been truthful about myself there, apologies.


If I had a heart, I may have felt in it that I could not be the mother that my two young children deserve while devoting the time, energy and lies required of the White House Press Secretary. But I’m going to say that is why I have ultimately made the bittersweet decision to depart the White House and embark on a new chapter of lies in my life. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to be associated with President Trump’s declining, sorry soaring, popularity.


President Trump has asked me to continue lying as a top advisor to him on the outside, and I will always remain a vocal liar for MAGA and the Republican Party.


And to demonstrate that my ability to lie remains as strong as ever, let me say goodbye and, with a straight face, give a message to all of my fellow Americans: I love you all.’




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