top of page
Search

Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

Writer: Sully
Sully
Sep 4

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.


Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.


The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

El Niño finally caught

eppursimuove
Sep 3

The notorious El Niño, thought to be responsible for death and destruction all over the world, has finally been apprehended, law enforcement officials confirmed today.


However, lawyers for the infamous weather system have protested it’s being unfairly blamed for a whole slew of unrelated events that couldn’t possibly have a single cause.


”I mean, come on - flooding here, drought there, a hurricane somewhere else… how can these all be the fault of my client, when witnesses confirm it was in the eastern Pacific the whole time?


”Quite frankly - and it gives me no pleasure to say this - but you have to wonder whether these accusations would even be made if my client went by the English name “little boy” instead of its Spanish equivalent.”


However, this had the unfortunate side effect of reminding people that “little boy” was the codename of the Hiroshima bomb, inadvertently giving critics even more destruction they could blame on the hapless meteorological phenomenon.


Meanwhile politicians, ever on the lookout for a way to shift the blame for their own failures, were said to be looking seriously at the possibilities.


”It can take the rap for all the wildfires obviously, avoid awkward questions about forest management, brush clearance, maintenance of proper firebreaks etc… maybe also for the sewage in our rivers, since that’s caused by flooding… any chance we could also blame it for ordering PPE from incompetent idiots just because they’d given a fortune to the party?”




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
Sep 2

‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor.  I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it.  I’m out of here, suckers.


‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid.  I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first world problems of entitled nouveau riche arrivistes who only want to score political points rather than dealing with any real world issues.  I’ll be glad to get away from them and do something useful for a change.  I’m open to offers from any international bodies, except the Board of Peace and FIFA.


“I look back with pride on what I have delivered in Holborn and St Pancras since 2015, including those new litter bins, and my infamous war on dog do.


“I took my Party from the ruins, won an historic landslide election, fixed the economy, cured cancer, got rid of poverty, and eliminated NHS waiting lists.  And I cut VAT on summer attractions.  These are achievements of which I will always be proud.


‘Finally, I’d like to say a couple of words about Donald Trump.


‘Toss pot.’




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page