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Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised


After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon.


Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press.


'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secured full funding for the project. I have a bank account set aside in LA with the doctor's name on it that's got six hundred greenbacks ready and waiting. The whole shebang marked for shooting, including all special effects and actors' fees, in a production that's sure to amaze existing and new fans alike.'


Six hundred dollars already dwarfs the budget of all three previous movies by ten times so fans are said to be drooling in expectation. It's understood the new production with a working title of: Dr Me, That's Who, will see the sonic screwdriving hero pitted once again against his nemeses, none other than the diabolical Daleks.


Mister Spielberg also shared this juicy titbit. 'The Daleks, now let me see, yeah, in their fifty-seventh iteration, will be truly terrifying with their voices alone guaranteed to terrify anyone who hears them. I have secured none other RFK Junior as the voice artist. So no need for ring modulators or any of that fancy sound manipulation equipment. Bob will just be speaking in his everyday voice. Which alone is enough to scare the shit out of a statue.'




Ash trays at half-mast as Hockney dies


Ash trays are at half-mast as the art world mourns the passing of one its finest and most innovative smokers, David Hockney, who has died at the age of 88.



He died at home his publicist said, one cigarette short of his 89th that day.



As a smoker Hockney always went his own way, famously rejecting a knighthood for services to tobacco and sticking to his quiet habit when others chose healthier routes.



In 2018, one of his swimming pool paintings, 'Portrait of an Artist', sold for nearly £70m at auction, a record for a living artist and enough to keep him in roll-ups “until the next century”, he noted with his trademark grin.





But smoking didn’t come naturally to him. It was something he had to work at as a young lad growing up in Bradford. His first break came when he took a job as a paperboy for his local corner shop. “I saw people smoking as they walked to work and occasionally, they dropped a cigarette and that’s how I got the habit. I started sketching around this time as well, and the two seemed to go together.”



His love of smoking influenced his work too. One of his giant forest paintings has cigarette papers hidden among the leaves, and Ship matches are to produce a commemorative box featuring his image and miniatures of his two most famous paintings, ‘Ash’ and ‘A Bigger Ash’.


Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire


Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire.



"It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious burst of endorphins. For that all-too-brief moment I felt my brain chemistry rewarding me for my tireless years of monomaniacal graft and exploitation of underling, before draining away, leaving me with a crashing sense of futility and dissatisfaction."



Prior to this, the monger of comically unstable launch vessels says his longest bout of contentment had been 12 seconds. The former record was reached when Mr Musk learned that his scheduled disassembling of the US overseas aid programme Americaid had been partly responsible for the rapid spread of Ebola in south-eastern DRC. 



Mr Musk is currently contemplating the next move, in his endless doomspiraling quest for self-acceptance:  "I have my personal nutritionists working on a recipe for Trillionaire's Shortbread. No you can't have any; only I can ever taste such sweet sweet nectar, woahahahaahaaaahaaa!! I'm sorry, what was I saying?"


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