BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time.

Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2.

In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, without waiting for any further details, let alone evidence.

However Jim Davies, who worked at Broadcasting House for 20 years until being fired this morning, suggests they have perhaps gone too far the other way.

”All I did was forget to pay my gas bill until they sent a reminder,” said the bemused electrician. “It wasn’t even a final demand. But the Beeb said in the light of recent events, they ‘just couldn’t take any chances’.

”Mind you, it’s a relief in a way. I thought for a minute they’d found out I’ve been hanging around outside primary schools wearing nothing but a raincoat.”

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New bin rules to include crude oil

Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight.

The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up.

The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-provided your house sits on a deep-water port. The binmen have requested that you do not mix your heavy and light crude oils, and please separate out any crisp packets.

A minister explained. “Provided each homeowner is willing to forego the oil required to make 345,000 bags of popcorn we should be okay.” Over the Christmas period when collections are delayed, people are advised against storing their oil, as it is likely to attract a ground invasion by the Americans.

image by Grok

‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories

Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity.

Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living.

Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy consumption would cover any dividend losses incurred by struggling bond holders.

‘Using gas and electricity to heat your homes or power your business is clearly adding to the everyday cost of living.

Imagine a world without those rising energy bills and imagine a world where I was Prime Minister making difficult decisions on your behalf’.

However, under the latest Tory policy not all households would be affected by having their energy supplies cut off.

Households with an annual income of £100k would be exempt from cuts as they can clearly absorb the rise in energy prices and would not be affected in any way.

Drilling for oil and gas in the North Sea would be maximised as this would also bring down the cost of energy costs here in the UK to virtually zero. Just like it has ever since the first barrel of oil was brought ashore back in 1975.

image by Grok