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Thikipedia: Andy Burnham


Andrew Murray Burnham, aka Andy Murray or Andy Burnham, is a British Labour politician.


He was born in 1970 in Aintree, Lancashire, more famous for the Grand National.  Although already English, he studied English again at Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge, which makes him a proper toff.  He is marred to Mandy Burnham, who he met at uni.  They have three children, Candy, Sandy and Randy.


He has worked for many famous Labour failures including Tessa Jowell, Chris Smith, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.  In his spare time he invented Murray Mints and made his first million by selling the brand to a multinational.


Burnham held several secretarial jobs, including at the Treasury, DCMS and Health. He is reputed to type at 45wpm and to make a good cup of northern tea.  He doesn’t hold with southern drinks like coffee, matcha or kefir.


He was always keen to focus on other people's mistakes, and campaigned for a second whitewash into the Hillsborough disaster.  He also proposed a free National Care Service, but plans were abandoned when it became clear that nobody cared about it.


Burnham has twice failed to get the Labour leadership, in 2010 and 2015, but hey – third time lucky!  He was forced to leave several shadow cabinet roles when it was noticed that he didn’t have a shadow.


Disillusioned, he left Parliament to become the first elected King of the North in 2017. He focused heavily on annoying the national government by actually doing stuff on homelessness, transport and the economy, His flagship achievement was making all the buses in Manchester yellow.


Andy Burnham becomes Prime Minister in 2026 (date tbc), after Keir Starmer admitted institutionalised anti-Semitism and anti-Northism in his cabinet. He was ousted in early 2027 after a dramatic coup led by Wesley (‘Wes’) Streeting.


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Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead



The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime.


"We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes.


"But when we went to lock up, we found that every one our 400,000 bars of gold had disappeared and been replaced with total dross."


"We knew all along that Rachel Reeves has got this weird reverse Midas touch," the spokes-cheque continued, kicking itself angrily in the shins. "After all, her two budgets had managed to freeze UK economic growth, collapse the value of government bonds and send youth unemployment soaring. We were just waiting for her next disaster to happen."


"I am confident that Rachel will recoup a great deal of the riches she unfortunately destroyed by selling off the lead for pencils and the leaves and slime for mulch," said Sir Keir Starmer, "and her job as chancellor is totally safe for as long as I'm Prime Minister.


"Oh, is that the removals van?"



Met Office issues Extreme Red Warning about making references to the summer of 1976


The Met Office has issued a rare Extreme Red Warning today, calling for limits on making comparisons between the current heatwave and the UK drought of 1976.


The warning comes as references to the summer of 1976 - particularly from your gran - continue to reach unprecedented highs.


'As global temperatures continue to rise, its perhaps inevitable that we'll see an uptick in nostalgic and sometimes passive-aggressive references to how much hotter the heatwave in 1976 was compared to this one', noted Muggy Close, from the Met Office.


'However, people often don't appreciate the dangers of gratuitous references back to 1976', continued Close. 'It almost inevitably leads to a long detour into the prevalence of white dog shit, standpipes on the end of every street, and how much better telly was on a Saturday night, what with Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Rentaghost, oh and that weird cartoon thing - what was it called - Bod?'


Some have called for a trading system on 1976 references to be introduced, which would allow the heaviest users - such as the Daily Mail, that annoying old guy stood at the bar in your local pub, and Peter Kay, to continue to ply their trade, albeit at a cost.


Peter Kay was approached for comment and responded saying 'Oh, its too warm for me, I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm', before moving on to ask why kids in the 70s always slid on their knees across the dance floor at a wedding.



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