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'We absolutely must reflect every reader and books of all kinds,' said the extravagantly cardiganned Booker rep.  'And we are determined to make reading accessible for everyone, including seven-year-olds.


'We haven't long-listed this Postman Pat epic because of woke inclusion and diversity nonsense, it's because this book is what we call in the trade, a belter.  Although we do obviously welcome the revelation that Pat's famous black and white cat is LGBTQ+.  This book is on the list for merit alone and not as a cheap publicity stunt, although the media coverage is very welcome. 


The character development, narrative arc and plot have echoes of Chandler, Ishiguro, Fleming (Alexander, not Ian), and Jacqueline Wilson.  The book deals unflinchingly with dementia, memory loss, inappropriate behaviour, social media pile-ons, sexually transmitted disease, and the crisis in Gaza.  It packs a lot in. The book has trigger warnings for cats, uniforms, rural isolation, suicidal thoughts, animal harm, unsafe driving, unrealistic expectations, privatisation, and inappropriate language (for 7-year-olds).


'It is, overall, a hard hitting, but charming, read.  At risking of spoiling the denouement, I was very relieved that the missing letters were found in the end, and that they were delivered safely. This was, in no small part, due to the good work of a certain formerly-black but now rainbow-coloured cat.


'It is a relatively short read at 24 pages, and it is true that we don't usually admit books with so many pictures.  But this is a meritocracy, so Go Pat!


'Anyway, I was asked about the book's chances of making it from the long list to the Booker short list.  To be honest, I'm surprised you even asked.'



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Donald Trump is fed up with the United Nations and member nations who say bad things about him behind his back. He thinks that US money should command more obsequious fawning and less invective. Vladimir Putin finds the United Nations annoying. Sure, he can veto stuff that would move towards world peace – but who wants that?


Insiders say that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are working on a new global alliance that will by-pass the UN and help them achieve their goals in the right way. A bit like the highly successful and well respected Board Of Peace that has secured a just and lasting peace in Gaza.


Critics are not impressed. ‘It’s just a League of Losers,’ said one. ‘Donald Trump is losing badly against Iran and has no plan B. Vladimir Putin is losing against Ukraine, and Moscow is nearly as smoky as Bordeaux. He can’t even buy DVDs off the internet due to ‘planned maintenance in the supply chain’. It’s hard to see how these two could fix anything.’


Donald Trump remains upbeat about his plans to sideline the UN. He says that there is strong interest in a new global alliance from Venezuela, The Marshall Islands, Narnia, FIFA, and the Isle of Wight. A launch event is planned for the autumn at Mar-a-Lago, where attendees will resolve all current conflicts before moving on for an afternoon of golf.



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Nigel Farage is fighting for his political career at the imminent by-election in Clacton.  His main opponent is the loveable cartoon character Count Binface.  Opinion polls show growing support for Count Binface, but both sides have dismissed these polls as ‘rubbish’.


In the latest twist, Nigel Farage has made a long distance call to the Electoral Registrar in Clacton to demand the removal of all bins from polling stations on election day.  He claims that seeing bins in or near polling stations may unduly influence voters, and prejudice the election result.


The demand is for no bins – empty or full – on polling station premises, and no bins within 500m of any of the polling stations.  Waste at polling stations should only be collected in politically neutral black bin bags.


The council is considering the issue.  A spokesman said, ‘Many polling stations do have waste bins or litter bins nearby.  Removing all of them for election day would be very expensive and the the council does not have the money to do this.  However, if Mr Farage is prepared to pay for the work, then we are willing to help.  We have estimated the cost of removing and replacing all of the bins at five million pounds.’



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