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Man City to go back to being sh*t again

Sep 26

Man City will be forced to play absolute garbage going forward, the Premier League has confirmed today.

After being found guilty of 115 financial rules breaches, The Premier League has been considering possible punishments for the club.

'Financial penalties, expulsion from the Premier League, yes, these were options on the table', said one Premier League insider.

'But we've decided that City will just be forced to play absolutely rubbish football, like what they did for most of the time before the Abu Dhabi investment years'.

'It's like a kind of restorative practice thing', continued the insider, 'where the club gets the chance to reflect on how they can make things right.'

'In City's case this will involve Haaland, Cherki, Anderson, Foden, Fernandez and others leaving immediately , to be replaced by a selection of the club's worst ever signings. So, we're delighted to introduce you to City's next starting 11, including Roque Santa Cruz, Laurent Charvet, Jo, Eliaquim Mangala and Vicente Matias Vuoso. '

A consortium of the worst City managers, notably Joe Royle, Phil Neal and Frank Clark will also retake the helm at the club, for a period of at least the next decade.

'We were also thinking about significant points deductions' noted the Premier League insider. 'But with this line-up, we don't think points will be an issue at all'.

https://pixabay.com/photos/footballs-football-premier-league-3597192/

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Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging

Wrenfoe

Sep 25

The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’

Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation (e.g. safely relocating a cup of tea from one side of the office to the other). There will still be academic qualifications like the Level 3 Waste Bin Monitoring leading to a T-Level in Staple Awareness - a two-year programme focused on identifying whether paper has already been stapled.

Said another learner, ‘I can now recognise that cables exist without necessarily knowing what they do, thanks to my Certificate in Cable Appreciation. Combined with my Level 1 Mouse Movement Studies and Award in Filing Things Somewhere I expect to be earning six figures, sometime in 2087.’ The Education Secretary proudly declared, ‘We are training the next generation of industry leaders, with our GCSEs in Important Pen Distribution and Empty Box Relocation.’ And those that fail will transferred to the extended diploma in ‘canon—fodder’ which has a remote campus on the Ukrainian frontline.

https://pixabay.com/photos/graduation-commencement-academic-5030172/

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Trump's latest rambling address to United Nations sparks consternation among world leaders

Chipchase

Sep 24

Just when it was thought Trump's pronouncements could not be come any more bizarre or unhinged, world leaders were left reeling and stupefied during his rambling address to the United Nations.

'I think,' said the ochre would-be emperor, 'these Chargossians should not be allowed to join the Federation. I told Captain Jean-Luc Picard this when he approached me for my views on the matter. A lot of people want to know my views on things. I'm a clever guy. Smart. Real smart. People say that. My views are the smartest. Fact.

'Captain Picard, I said, send those SOBs packing. Tell them to stick to their reality shows. By the way, I had a great reality show myself, the best, until Schwarzenegger destroyed it. So just you tell Kris, Kourtney and Kim, to stick to Botox and Butt Lifts. The kinda of important stuff. Hey, you know, I like the way they have names beginning with K. Three of them together right there in a row. Kinda neat, isn't it?

'I also said all this to the new mayor of Camelot, Arnie Bradham, when we met yesterday. And can you believe he didn't know who I was talking about? Maybe they need that Stormzy guy back in charge over there. I think they might.

'Anyway, that's it folks. Enough wisdom from me for one day. Cos now as the world's most important leader, I gotta go and build a new goldfish pond.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/united-nations-u-n-vienna-un-city-3760656/

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