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Trump's latest rambling address to United Nations sparks consternation among world leaders

Sep 24

Just when it was thought Trump's pronouncements could not be come any more bizarre or unhinged, world leaders were left reeling and stupefied during his rambling address to the United Nations.

'I think,' said the ochre would-be emperor, 'these Chargossians should not be allowed to join the Federation. I told Captain Jean-Luc Picard this when he approached me for my views on the matter. A lot of people want to know my views on things. I'm a clever guy. Smart. Real smart. People say that. My views are the smartest. Fact.

'Captain Picard, I said, send those SOBs packing. Tell them to stick to their reality shows. By the way, I had a great reality show myself, the best, until Schwarzenegger destroyed it. So just you tell Kris, Kourtney and Kim, to stick to Botox and Butt Lifts. The kinda of important stuff. Hey, you know, I like the way they have names beginning with K. Three of them together right there in a row. Kinda neat, isn't it?

'I also said all this to the new mayor of Camelot, Arnie Bradham, when we met yesterday. And can you believe he didn't know who I was talking about? Maybe they need that Stormzy guy back in charge over there. I think they might.

'Anyway, that's it folks. Enough wisdom from me for one day. Cos now as the world's most important leader, I gotta go and build a new goldfish pond.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/united-nations-u-n-vienna-un-city-3760656/

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Stress-testing of Simon Calder essential to future supply of travel comments, say media

ChrisF

Sep 23

Stress-testing of travel expert Simon Calder is absolutely essential to maintain a regular supply of quotes, quick TV interviews, and responses to any travel-related news story in the future, media outlets have confirmed today.

Following near continuous appearances on TV, social media and in newspapers talking about the National Air Traffic Control systems failures, there have been calls for regular checks on Calder to ensure that his capacity for providing quotable content and exhibiting genuine enthusiasm at the opportunities afforded by travel remain at their peak.

'Calder's systems appear to have remained robust in the face of an unprecedented amount of requests for interviews over the last couple of weeks ', said one media insider.

'His segue on Sky News this morning moving from talking about the NATS problems to a 30 second soliloquy on how nice the Croatian coastline is at this time of year for families truly was the work of a pro at the top of his game'.

'And then to appear just 15 minutes later on The Today Programme, skilfully avoiding Nick Robinson's clumsy attempt to get him to blame the government for the NATS breakdowns by moving things on to talk about the ongoing value of annual travel insurance - genius'.

'But there's only 24 hours in a day, we just need to test him regularly to guarantee that supplies of travel comments keep coming through', continued the insider.

Stress-testing would require Calder to subject himself to a series of gruelling mental and physical challenges, including answering 20 quick-fire questions on topics such as currency exchange rates, the best regional airports outside London, and the optimum route for a motorhome trip through the Dordogne in October. This would be followed by a two-minute critique of a randomly selected holiday itinerary, such as a two-week trip to Orlando theme parks for a family of 4 at Easter, or a south-med cruise-and-stay trip for 2 recent retirees. Finally, Calder would be subjected to a one-minute interview from Kay Burley.

'I do need to look after myself, certainly', said Calder animatedly to camera. 'There's always a danger of spreading yourself too thin, like you might do when you use just one little sachet of butter on your toast at a lovely all-inclusive breakfast at a 4 star hotel in Rhodes. Lovely place, I'd really recommend it in late Summer, and don't forget to leave yourself enough time to visit the Old Town, it really is a gem...'

https://pixabay.com/photos/breaking-news-journalism-press-7613045/

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Man 'critical' after posting about everyday experience on LinkedIn without learning anything

ChrisF

Sep 22

A man remains in a critical condition today, after inadvertently posting on LinkedIn about an everyday experience that happened to him, without drawing out the broader leadership, management or learning takeaways that came from the encounter.

Mike McBride, regional Sales Manager at online car supermarket company AutoComplete, carelessly posted this morning about his busy Monday morning rush-hour commute on the Northern line Tube without adding anything about the important life lessons it had taught him.

'I don't know what I was thinking, it all happened so fast', said McBride, still severely dazed and confused. 'All I remember is I started penning a LinkedIn post something like 'One hour to get from home to the office today - got a busy week ahead'.

'Of course, I meant to follow it up with something about how no-one was looking at each other or talking, and wasn't that a shame that all those opportunities for collaboration, random connections, or small bits of kindness were being missed', continued McBride.

'I had a quote from Dale Carnegie to add in, and was going to tag the guy off of Dragon's Den who does that podcast where he shoots shit with business leaders, but I pressed Post too early', said McBride. 'It was like it was happening in slow motion. I screamed and tried to undo the post, but the comments were already pouring in about similar journeys but with loads of stuff about the valuable insights it had provided. I felt really faint, passed out at my desk and ended up in an ambulance'.

McBride is expected to make a full recovery, although he will need to undertake 10 uninterrupted hours of doomscrolling through his LinkedIn feed before being allowed to post again. Colleagues of McBride remain concerned however.

'I mean I'm glad Mike's going to be ok, but it isn't the first time its happened', said one colleague. 'Last week he posted something about ordering his regular latte from Starbucks and how the Barista remembered who he was and drew a little smiley face on his takeaway cup alongside his name. Obviously an open goal for a commentary on how good customer service in the hospitality sector is built on that kind of awareness and building of social capital, but Mike literally said nothing about it. Nada.'

'If he doesn't start his next post with something about what he learned about what his recent visit to A and E taught him about teamworking, I'm going to be really worried...'

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