Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay, 'she's an intellectual wasteland who has no properly thought-through analysis of how the world was changing and what that meant for policy.”

'Does our economy need right now the goal of net-zero misanthropic killer robots? Taxes are high and getting higher, how do we justify adding to the ballooning cost of fighting the T-1000?'

A cold, soul-less, mechanical killing machine that pretends to be human, Tony Blair recognised the T-1000's unorthodox methods were 'controversial', but argued that voters liked its 'efficacy. its ability to get big things done...the challenge of democracy is not transparency, honesty or conspiracy theories about the hidden power of elites...definitely not those things, or Skynet.'

Blair criticized Starmer for not giving Skynet the backing it sought: 'It's not the best way to treat our ally, Starmer should hand John Connor in to the friendly liquid-metal law enforcement agent, the CPU and severed arm of 1984 T-800 terminator should not be destroyed and Starmer should return them to Cyberdyne's vaults.'

'Deregulating AI is the route to economic prosperity and social justice', said Blair, accusing Starmer of 'addressing the dangers rather than seizing the opportunities.”

Asked if there was a risk of danger from Skynet becoming self-aware, Tony Blair pointed to over half a million people killed in the Iraq civil war due to his failures, showing he was already dangerous, despite having no self-awareness whatsoever.

Image: WixAI

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei, is - surprisingly - a devout fan of the British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

'Your leader shows us the way,' said an IRGC insider. 'He shows, through his landslide victory, that he is tremendously popular with the people, while at the same time protecting his elites and providing great benefits for his favoured insiders, like Peter Mandelson. He shows that you don't need any kind of profile and policies in order to lead. He shows that you can ignore the press and all its nonsense. He shows that you can be fierce with your enemies like Angela Rayner and Jess Philips and Wesley Streeting.'

'Our great leader also fears for his life because of the Yankees. Our leader must also try to rally a country battered and bruised, and with citizens who are cowed and unsure and unnecessarily worried about their human rights, and their democracy. Our leader must also try to keep crude oil pumping. Our leader must also try to rally and army and a navy that has been decimated and needs rebuilding. Our leader must also control the media messaging with an iron fist.

'Our leader, though, is less bothered about having other people to pay for his clothes. That's just humiliating.

'The parallels between our countries are extremely strong, although we are still not very keen on Salman Rushdie. Unlike Starmer, we don't enjoy magical realism.'

Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better. You can use your hands, for a start. And it has billionaires, proper helmets and proper all-American sporting heroes.

'It is a tragedy that no other countries play American Football. Maybe I'll lift tariffs on countries that start up American Football leagues. I bet that the Heard and McDonald Islands could put together a decent team, if they put their minds to it. If you don't have any sport now, then the best sport to start would be an American sport, not some lame playground game invented by the Limeys.

'The World Cup games played in America will be completely excellent,' says the President, 'the bestest and most wonderful. The games played in Canada and Mexico will be rubbish, and not worth watching. America knows how to do sporting events – girls, fireworks, gambling, pizzazz, sponsors, ad breaks, majorettes, half-time shows...and me! What a great combination – soccer and me. What could be better? Remember, I won't be going to Canada or Mexico for any of those games. Waste of time. Losers.

'Sure, the ticket prices for World Cup games are high, but that's democracy - anyone can get a ticket if they have the money. And you're getting the best soccer experience in the World. There's no substitute for a trip to the US, some World Cup soccer, an encounter with ICE, and hands-on experience of the US Justice system. And getting deported, if you have enough crypto to pay the exit fees. You won't get any of that in Canada or Mexico. Wimpy countries.

So, why not treat yourself to a pair of Trump World Cup golden soccer boots? Come visit the US. Watch great soccer - stuff you won't see on the BBC until they pay me the ten billion dollars that they owe me. Forget your diet and enjoy proper American food – like churros, pizza, tacos and gumbo – all served in proper American quantities. Enjoy our famous top quality chips (that means crisps, Limeys) and our most excellent top quality beers, like (sotto voce: have Budweiser donated yet? Yes? Good.) Budweiser. And you'll find out how a proper democracy works.

I'm backing the US team to win the World Cup. All the team members are very highly motivated, because I've explained what will happen if they don't win.

So come to the USA to watch us win the soccer World Cup. Remember - tickets, money, passports, bail bond. And remember to take home some souvenirs of your visit. How about some Bitcoin, or a $250 dollar bill with my face on it?

Image: WixAI