Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full

‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor.  I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it.  I’m out of here, suckers.

‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid.  I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first world problems of entitled nouveau riche arrivistes who only want to score political points rather than dealing with any real world issues.  I’ll be glad to get away from them and do something useful for a change.  I’m open to offers from any international bodies, except the Board of Peace and FIFA.

“I look back with pride on what I have delivered in Holborn and St Pancras since 2015, including those new litter bins, and my infamous war on dog do.

“I took my Party from the ruins, won an historic landslide election, fixed the economy, cured cancer, got rid of poverty, and eliminated NHS waiting lists.  And I cut VAT on summer attractions.  These are achievements of which I will always be proud.

‘Finally, I’d like to say a couple of words about Donald Trump.

‘Toss pot.’

Image: File:Prime Minister Keir Starmer.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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New 10p Coin Features 'At Risk' Warning

The Royal Mint have released a new 10p coin into circulation, and it contains a conservation 'at risk' warning as it features something close to extinction.

Continuing the flora and fauna theme, the reverse side of the new coin features a capercaillie, a type of grouse only found in small areas of Scotland, and the obverse side, or 'heads' side, features King Charles III.

The Royal Family numbers have been dwindling in numbers for the last 100 years or so, starting with the death of King George V and the abdication of King Edward VIII in 1936.  Although the population of royalty appeared to have stabilised for a few decades, in the latter part of the 20th century, numbers started to decline again with the deaths of Princess Diana in 1997 and the Queen Mother in 2002.

However, in the last few years, the numbers of Royals have taken another downward trend with the loss of the Duke of Edinburgh, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Harry, Not Princess Megan and Prince Andrew and there has always been only rare sightings of the lesser spotted Prince Edward.

'It's a stark reminder that more of these coins will enter circulation than there are members of the Royal Family left in the wild," said Morgan Rebecca, director at The Royal Mint, based at Llantrisant, South Wales.

"We hope that by putting this extraordinary King into millions of pockets and purses, we can spark a nationwide conversation about a species at real risk of vanishing from Britain forever."

Sir Nicholas Witchell of the Royal Society for the Protection of Royals (RSPR) said, 'The UK royalty population has declined so rapidly that it is at risk of extinction for the second time and is on the UK conservation red list. Now, back to the studio.'

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Small child found safe and well in Tesla vehicle.

Following discussions about Tesla's user friendliness, and demands for that sleek look, a tragedy has been averted as a small child has been discovered in the wheel arch of a family's brand new car. The parents tried to explain the mishap.

'It all started with the door handles,' explained dad. 'We were going for a drive, but no door handles were to be seen. As a family, we split into groups to try and find a way to get in the car. In the end, we found one door handle under the bonnet, which we were excited about, but it wouldn't open the door anyway. Apparently Tesla have said that some sort of planetary alignment is necessary to produce the necessary energy to get a result. Some mention of crystals, too.'

Mum continued. `Once we got in, using a claw hammer, we realised we couldn't locate the steering wheel but eventually it was found in the back section of the glove department. I must admit it does make steering awkward at times. Most serious of all, we realised our youngest child was an apparently a casualty of this voyage of discovery, but after a protracted search involving sniffer dogs, the coastguard, several police forces as well as local volunteers, she was located just below the wheel arch in what Tesla describe as the passenger seat. As she didn't seem to mind too much, we thought we could leave her there as long as she keeps her elbows in and doesn't spoil the look.'

Image: JACLOU-DL - Pixabay

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