High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers.

An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned to his normal life, he was often left with a small souvenir believed to be drugs, or an infectious disease. 

Officers would like to question the shop keeper but, as if by magic, he has disappeared.

The unit is also looking into a rental shop, believed to have 'ghost' directors, that is responsible for animal cruelty to a pantomime horse, and be harbouring a Russian national accused of spying named in documents as Miss Nadia Popov.

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Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.

The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.

In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape

MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.

A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'

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An unlikely job swap for Sam Battle and Keir Starmer

In an unexpected move, Sam Battle and Keir Starmer are to swap jobs.

Sam Battle, who underscored his musical talent at Eurovision, will take over as Prime Minister next week. Commentators say that he will bring a tremendous energy and enthusiasm to the role, which Keir Starmer has been unable to harness. He has said that he will continue to wear his trademark pink boiler suit for the duration of his premiership.  He said that his main goal would be to ‘not make any U-turns’.  He dismissed the suggestion that he would be known as ‘Look Mum, No Policies’ as frivolous.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Keir, could I?'

Keir Starmer, who has underscored as Labour party leader and PM, will be Britain’s Eurovision entry for 2027. In a statement, he said that he understood the importance of music to Britain and to the British economy. He said that he was disappointed with the poor result this year, which he attributed to the cost of living, the price of energy, international bond markets and the rise of Reform. He felt that Things Could Only Get Better and that he would be taking advice from Angela Rayner, as she could probably give a decent performance of Bangaranga, given the chance. He said that he would be judged by results, and that he was aiming to score at least two points.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Sam, could I?'

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