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It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.


Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.


'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.


'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'


'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."


'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'


An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.



Image credit: perchance.org


By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante


Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once more.'


Johnson's handling of the previous Covid-19 pandemic, while criticised in a recent report, has been described by the Daily Mail as 'exceptional' and by the BBC as 'world-beating'. His actions are believed by his supporters to have saved 'lives beyond count'.


'When the going gets tough, we need BoJo to get going,' said former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries in Southampton, upon her return from a cruise in the Canary Islands.


Baroness Dido Harding also announced her availability to serve in Johnson's national unity government, volunteering to launch a new Test & Trace application at only half the cost of the previous iteration. 'We have come a long way,' she said in a statement, 'and we have learnt from past mistakes, not that any were made.'


Separate reports indicated that Baroness Michelle Mone's new company, Med Resilience Ltd., stands ready to 'meet the nation's PPE needs again'.


Authgor: Dante



Image credit: perchance.org


An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.


After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.


However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.


'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'


A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.


“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'


A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.



Image credit: NB archive

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