Trump promotes Crypto-Diapers

A spokesman for the President said today that the president 'is proud to promote Trump Crypto-Diapers, they're bigly good for sh!t that stinks and act as diapers as well'.  

Trump has been criticised for his meme coins and other crypto endeavours, although as he has gained (allegedly) $1.2B from them while his supporters, who bought them (allegedly) lost a similar amount to the exact penny suggests someone in the administration knows what they're doing - screwing MAGA, for starters,

'I said I don't need diapers,' the President is alleged to have said, 'but they told me that wearing them would encourage other red-blooded Americans to buy Trump Crypto-Diapers.  So I wear them. I don't need them, but it's really convenient to not have to leave an important meeting just because I need a bigly sh!t.  Or disturb my sleep when in an important meeting to have a bigly sh!t,' he said.  When asked who told him to wear them he variously said 'some big boys or a guy in the office' before settling on, 'the one who told me to bomb Iran, invade Greenland and hides my teddy at night unless I sign the Executive Orders he puts under my nose'.

Stephen Miller was unavailable for comment.  Allegedly.

image by Grok

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Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin

'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.

'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.

'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.

'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.

'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Man tastelessly watches World Cup and Wimbledon at the same time

After a hard day at work recycling his emails. Brad, 37, from Berkshire, hits the sofa just before 6pm and tastelessly watches the World Cup game on his TV, while also following Wimbledon on his phone. Brad defended his behaviour to the press.

‘While some have unfairly described this behaviour as erratic, I want to ensure everyone that I have trained long and hard for this. I have watched many TV series while also simultaneously scrolling through social media, and I never miss a single plot point. I am not recommending this lifestyle to anyone, but for me there is a real thrill in watching an incredible tennis rally while England are passing the ball back and forth between their defenders.’

His wife, Lisa, later clarified her stance on his reckless behaviour. ‘He’s absolutely addicted. He reads our four-year-old child a bedtime story while skimming another book. We do have sex, but only if he can listen to a true-crime podcast at the same time.’

Brad says that he now intends on becoming the first person to ever play football while watching the Premier League on his phone.

Image credit: ChatGPT