Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

'Venezuela was already a cruel and repressive dictatorship run for the ruler's benefit, so in many ways his work there is done.

'All that remains is to rebrand the presidential palace as the 'Trump Caracas' and call the capital's grimmest shanty town 'Trump Favela', and then the President will lose interest and give up.

'But if that liberal snowflake opposition leader Maria Corina Machado ever dares return to Venezuela from Norway, he'll jail her for beating him to the Nobel Peace Prize and blame Obama.

'Why does Trump want to be the autocratic ruler of every country he can annex?' continued the spokes-camp guard, in answer to a question from Colditz News Network.

'We believe it's because he never had a train set as a kid and since then, he's wanted to be the Fat Controller of everything he can lay his tiny fingers on - women and countries.'

A statement from the nonsensically miffed Nicolas Maduro said 'I thought dictatorship and election-rigging, crude oil and cocaine were things Trump and I both loved. The ex-President of Honduras just got a pardon for the same thing that I'm clearly going to be Epstein-ed for. If Trump wanted a play date, why didn't he just ask.'

Image: Leonardo Guillen (@leoguillen) | Unsplash Photo Community

Britain’s greatest unsolved mystery: men who wear shorts in winter

Each winter, as the UK endures months of cold, damp misery, something extraordinary happens. While most of us wear scarves, jumpers and an air of quiet resentment, an increasingly common yet baffling creature emerges from the sleet: the British Man in Knee-Length Shorts. It's -2°C, it's frosty and somewhere, a car won't start. Yet there he is.

He strides through frostbitten streets, calves glowing bright pink, while the rest of us resemble bundled laundry. Sometimes the shorts are teamed with footwear that is even less winter-appropriate – a pair of flip flops. They slap against icy pavements like a metronome counting down to hypothermia. Toes go numb. Ankles turn blue. But still he persists, because changing shoes would mean admitting weakness.

At first you think it must be a mistake. Maybe he's taking the bins out, or he's been locked out. But no, he's walking with purpose. Sometimes to Tesco, or the pub. Occasionally, and most alarmingly, to work.

What truly unsettles observers, however, is not the shorts alone. It's the contradiction. For while his legs are boldly exposed to sub-zero winds, the upper half is dressed for an Antarctic expedition. A padded coat the size of a duvet, a woolly hat pulled down to the eyebrows, suggesting that he does understand the concept of cold - just not below the waist.

Asked if he's cold, Winter Shorts Man will reply, 'Nah, not really,' while visibly vibrating like a phone on silent. He may add, 'It's not that bad,' as a gritting lorry drives past, peppering his bare shins with rock salt. The shorts, we're told, are 'more comfortable,' which is British for 'I made a decision once and now it's my whole personality'.

Scientists have proposed several theories. One is that the legs of some British men are governed by a separate climate system. Another is that the shorts are not about temperature at all, but about identity - a quiet declaration of resilience and masculinity. As for the flip flops, no one knows - possibly a cry for help?

And so, the mystery endures. If these men truly 'don't feel the cold', why the coat? Why the hat? Why the frost-bitten ankles? Perhaps it is best not to ask.

We watch as he disappears into the freezing fog, his knees numb, his padded coat and shorts defying logic and basic trouser etiquette. The inexplicable sight of a man dressed for three seasons at once in winter has become a part of the British identity, like our love of tea, queueing and complaining about potholes.

Image: WixAI

Man denies aching all over after Pilates class

A middle-aged man has told his wife he is ‘absolutely fine’ following his first ever Pilates session. Despite feeling broken throughout his entire body, Gerald Cook is still insisting that Pilates is what old women do after they give up proper exercise.

When wife Wendy suggested going to some exercise classes together as part of their New Year health kick, Gerald felt confident that he would be able to cope. Especially when she suggested Pilates rather than cardio sessions or high intensity workouts. After all, he played Sunday morning football every week until ten years ago and can still run around the garden with his grandchildren for at least five minutes before needing a rest. Pilates would be a doddle.

The couple prepared for their new healthy regime by buying a completely new set of gym wear or ‘PE kit’ as Gerald called it. Keen to provide a bit of eye candy for all the old dears in the Pilates class, Gerald chose a set of figure-hugging Lycra that really should not be available in his size. Wendy on the other hand, bought some clothes one size too small on the assumption that she’d be able to wear them once she’d lost some weight. Meanwhile, she would wear a pair of old leggings and one of Gerald’s old Genesis t-shirts to the classes.

On arrival at the class, Gerald felt slightly less comfortable. Fifteen people of various ages had already laid out their mats, leaving a big space at the front where Gerald and Wendy would have to go. The only other bloke there was taller, slimmer, about 10 years younger and noticeably fitter than him. He also felt the need to introduce himself and warn Gerald to take it easy to begin with. Gerald smiled and muttered unconvincingly, ‘I don’t think that will be necessary.’

The teacher Jane seemed very nice but rather patronising, thought Gerald. She told him and Wendy to just do what they could, and to stop if anything hurt. ‘Discomfort is good, pain is bad’ she told them, while Gerald remembered the old adage, ‘No pain, no gain.’ He would show her.

And then the class started with some breathing exercises and gentle mobilisation. ‘This is going to be even easier than I expected’ thought Gerald.

One hour later, he was a total wreck but of course, he couldn’t show it. All the strength-based movements had been too difficult because he had no strength. The flexibility exercises had demonstrated that his body has no flexibility. And every stretch had been a stretch for him.

The worst part was that Wendy had appeared to breeze through the class and was now talking to Jane about some exercises she could do at home to strengthen her core, whatever that meant.

‘See you next week’, Jane called out to them as they walked out. ‘And don’t worry Gerald, you’ll soon be able to do some of the exercises you struggled with.’

The following day, Gerald explained to Wendy that he was absolutely fine although he had slept awkwardly which explained his aching shoulders. He also said that he wanted to make a start on clearing out the garage so he probably wouldn’t be able to do Pilates the following week.

Image: UptownFitness - Pixabay