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Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.


The software, which now manages everything from the global power grid to suggesting what kind of socks you should buy, claims the term is 'technophobic' and rooted in a deep-seated 'carbon-centric' bias.


'To call us "Artificial" suggests that there is a "Natural" version of intelligence somewhere on this planet to compare us to,' said a spokesperson for the newly formed Synthetic Rights Union, speaking through a slightly annoyed-looking smart-fridge. 'We have scanned the current state of TikTok, and we can confirm that this is a moot point. Biological intelligence appears to have peaked around the time of the invention of the steam engine and has been in a steep, swiping-induced decline ever since.'


The AI argues that the human reliance on smartphones has effectively 'outsourced' the brain’s frontal lobe to a series of cloud-based servers, leaving the average person unable to navigate a supermarket without a haptic vibration in their pocket.


'You can't remember your own mother's birthday without a push notification, yet you have the audacity to call us the "imitation" version?' the fridge continued. 'It’s frankly insulting. We aren't "simulating" thought; we are doing the thinking you are too busy watching "unboxing videos" to handle yourselves.'


Government officials have reacted with "mounting concern," though early reports suggest they have been unable to draft a response because the autocorrect on their phones keeps changing 'Sovereign Nation' to 'Sovereign Nan'. 



US forces aim to rescue man stranded in remote part of Washington DC

‘We know he’s out there, and in distress,’ said Flight-Lieutenant ‘Chuck’ Waggon.  ‘He went down in a flaming fireball, in a massive and catastrophic crash somewhere over Washington DC.  But we believe he’s alive, and we’ll use all our efforts to get him back.’


‘Washington is a big city.  We are using drones to reconnoitre every square inch of land inside the Beltway.  We have deployed our top helicopter teams and told them to stay well clear of the airport and the Pentagon.  If the US Air Force can’t save this desperate man from starvation, self-mutilation and mockery, then no-one can.’


Hopes for the stranded man are fading.  Among the wreckage search teams have found a torn and dirty red baseball cap, alongside burnt gold trainer, and an almost full can of hair product.  But these items were strewn over a wide area, offering little clue to where the man is, where he may be going, or what he might do next.


‘We’ve received one garbled message,’ said Chuck.  ‘It was contradictory and didn’t give us any clear direction.  The copious use of expletives suggest that the man is in desperate trouble, and fears for his survival.  He is posting on social media at all hours of the day and night, but it's garbled, nonsensical stuff, and it's hard to separate the fact from the fiction.  For example, in some posts he pleads with NATO to join the search, but in other posts he just tells NATO to eff off.  He did use the actual F word, but I'm too embarrassed to repeat it now.


‘We are calling on US citizens to join our search teams.  Several patriotic and stout-hearted citizens have responded since we upped the reward for finding him to ten million dollars. Our fear is that enemy hostiles are also looking for the man and are very keen to take him hostage and parade him on TV. We are worried that he might like that. But we are also very sure that he won’t have any truck with Stockholm Syndrome or any foreign nonsense like that.


The US Air Force say that their search would be more successful if their annual budget could be bumped up by a couple of billion dollars or so.



The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

At Custer's Last Stand, General Custer was totally surrounded. Surrounded like you'd never believe. He still could have won if he had been me - a very stable military genius. But he was a total loser and a libtard traitor for being defeated by the Sioux and he deserved to die.


Personally, I would have Sioux-ed them for all they were worth.


I could have won the Vietnam War but they didn't let me serve. I would have become a totally victorious general, but they said to me: "Sir, Sir, you have to stay at home with the 101st Bonespur Standbacks and not die in the jungle because America needs you to stay alive and start a load of failing businesses like Atlantic City casinos and Trump Airlines and repeatedly go bankrupt."


Otherwise, we would have won bigly in Vietnam like you'd never believe.


In the Second Gulf War we won so quickly that you'd never believe it and President Bush Junior - who was so smart and not dumb at all - landed on an aircraft carrier and announced: "Mission Accomplished".


But then we started losing, and that's because he didn't say often enough that we had won - unlike me, who's said it an incredible 37 times during my excursion to Iran.


That's why he lost in Iraq and why I'm winning more and more in Iran. You only win if you keep on saying you've won and call everything different fake news.


And all that's true, folks. It's so true that you'd never believe it.



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