Cluedo Withdrawn as Weapon Pieces Used in Real Murder

Toy store shelves across the world were today being emptied of all versions of the classic Cluedo murder mystery board game after a pensioner was brutally murdered by someone armed with 4 of the "murder weapon" pieces in the game.

73 year-old James Perbright was found beaten by the lead pipe, strung up by his fingers with several of the miniature ropes, stabbed in both eyes with the dagger, and had the candle stick wedged in his throat. The culprit has not been found but police have ruled out the local vicar, the maid, and the university Professor living next door.

Waddingtons immediately reacted to the disturbing incident by recalling all games both in the shops and those already sold to prevent a repeat. "No one envisaged that such small things could be as deadly as if they were full-size," said a company spokesman.

Police are using the clue that at least five games may have been bought at once to obtain the ropes needed for both hands as a line of enquiry.

Meanwhile, MB, Mattel and Waddingtons are looking into other board games to establish if similar risks exist anywhere else in their ranges.

Rumours that a cartel of people traffickers have been using the Operation board game accessories to take out migrants' organs for sale have not yet been disproven by investigators.

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The Tale of Piddington Bear

The British film industry today announced the release of the heartwarming Tale of Piddington Bear.

Based on the much loved Paddington films, but updated to reflect contemporary attitudes, Piddington tells the story of an orphaned bear from darkest Peru. Like Paddington, he’s named after the place where he arrives in the UK, in this case a small Oxfordshire village.

But whereas Paddington was welcomed with open arms by a warm and loving community, with only the almost certainly Reform-voting Mr Curry hostile to him, Piddington is immediately seen as a threat.

One scene has an outraged local telling TV news crews - “I used to let my son walk the dog in the park. I won’t be able to do that no more. Not now there’s someone foreign around.” Strangely she ignores the fact that the newcomer is a bear, a large carnivorous apex predator which is likely to make him far more of a threat to boy and dog than merely being from abroad.

In the end the village is so angry it votes to secede from the UK, following which the Prime Minister declares it a “safe third country” and starts deporting failed asylum seekers there, prompting the mayor to say, 'Bloody hell, we didn’t think that through.'

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State Pension to be paid using Crtptocurrency

The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.

'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.

Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.

Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.

Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.

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