Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

“What an absolute cockwomble,” Guaraná continued. “I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.”

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. “Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.”

A primitive, Stone Age people who haven’t yet discovered fire or the wheel, Reform now has one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

image by Google Gemini

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.

The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.

M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...

'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.

'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.

'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'

A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'

image by Google Gemini