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The early release of some prisoners started today, and this fires the starting gun for tabloid newspaper editors. The race is on to get the first and the best stories about reoffending.


'There are at least three stories here,' said an excited Daily Mail subeditor. 'The first story is easy. We just need to print a story today or tomorrow about any new offence by an early release prisoner. Could be anything. Litter. Jaywalking. Shoving a reporter. That's easy.


The second story could take a little while. That'll be the first serious offence. Ideally, it will be the same offence that they were banged up for in the first place. So, littering won't cut it for the second story. Jaywalking, which isn't actualy a UK offence, is a possible, though. If there are more serious offences, then there's good stories in that. Maybe on page three or page five. Unless it's really serious.


'And the third story is 'Why oh why did Andy Burnham force this stupid policy through?'. We've already written that one. Actually, we've already run the story more than once, but the readers won't notice if we use it again. They just lap it all up.


'Sorry, that's all. I've got to go! There's news about a prisoner in a local park, and he's only half a mile from the kiddies playground with his parole officer...hold the press!'




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In a break from tradition, the Premier League sweet manufacturer has stopped issuing fudge. A scathing report about a foul stench in East Manchester that left a sour taste in the mouth was expected to elicit a bland, overly sweetened offering from the Premier League confectioner. Instead, they appear to have acquired some aniseed balls at long last.


Allegations that the Manchester organisation had been misrepresenting the amount of Middle Eastern flavourings being stirred into their Hundreds and Thousands have now been proven. Similarly, it has been demonstrated that they obstructed Allsorts of investigations into their activities.


Throughout the confectionery world, there are not many organisations who are still keeping Love Hearts in stock for the Manchester sweet shop.


The Premier League confectioner has not yet determined what sanctions to impose but they are fully expected to be Extra Strong. And The Toffees will probably lose points again too.




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Influencers across the UK are saying that any unit sent into battle to represent UK interests overseas will have the best skin care regime of any fighting force ever assembled. Mz Kola Jean, a 23 year old influencer from Romford who is now based in Dubai says there is no excuses for any of the armed forces to go into battle with poor skin quality or split ends.


‘If lower ranking members of the British army follow my daily skin care regime and keeps up a healthy hair routine then they will go into battle looking their very best. Even after an exhausting 12 hour yomp deep inside enemy territory, culminating in hand to hand combat with an elite Taliban fighting unit your skin and hair will still look great.


'Even the most battle hardened mujahideen veteran will marvel at your flesh tones while mutilating and defiling your body before feeding it to their dogs. And those carefully crafted blonding highlights won’t go unnoticed either,' she added.


Fears that UK youth are unprepared for the threat of future war were dismissed by Mz Jean who said his/her/their generation will be the most prepared ever.


‘We have spent our lives preparing for this’ said Mz Jean ‘ the hours and hours spent in front of a mirror has prepared this next generation like no other. You will be hard pressed to find any Generation Alpha with a skin blemish or mark that is not designer made or influencer verified….our cheekbones will be the most plumped and blushed of any army.


'Make-up during warfare have come a long way since Mel Gibson’s clumsy attempts at looking great in Braveheart…..that blue foundation was never going to work with such historically inaccurate tartan braids.


'Most of us already have neurodevelopment disorders any way….and you can’t be more prepared for war than that. That is how prepared we will be’.




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