Neighbour confirms plans to mow his lawn more than you

Your next door neighbour has confirmed his plans to mow his lawn much more often than you, and to generally take much better care then you of his plants, flowers and shrubs over the coming year, you lazy sod.

Terry, 68 (retired), marked the start of March with a ceremonial first cut of his lawn, although he’s been doing lots of jobs in the garden over the winter months too, you know, getting things ready for the Spring, composting, weeding, mulching because you’ve got to keep on top of things, haven’t you? Haven’t you? You haven’t, have you? You’ve done absolutely diddly squat.

Whilst your sorry patch of grass looks like something out the Day of the Triffids, Terry’s already has pristine Wembley stripes on it, and he could do yours for you if you’re too busy or haven’t got the skills, it’s no bother, really.

‘The annual publishing of Terry’s gardening timetable for the next 7 months is always an exciting moment, although perhaps not for you, his horticulturally incompetent next-door neighbour’, noted Luscious Rose, from the Royal Horticultural Society.

‘Long, but unpredictable patterns of use of a noisy strimmer from 9am every other Sunday’, continued Rose. ‘Looking up from his careful deadheading of flowers as you head out in your car to innocently point out ‘it’s a lovely day for some gardening isn’t it - oh, you’re off out are you?’.

‘And sighing heavily on a hot May bank holiday Monday as he creosotes both sides of the jointly owned fence between your two properties. It’s all there for you to look forward to till the end of October when you’ll vow that next year you’ll do a bit more in the garden.

Terry has also confirmed his plans to clean his own car every single week on a Sunday morning, even though it looks completely pristine anyway, just so he can make you feel inadequate as you say hello to him on your way past to get into your complete shit-tip of a vehicle.

0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.

A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.

'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'

When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.

“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'

Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.

Photo by Mahibul Hasan Fahim on Unsplash

Norfolk pub quiz team continues search for funny name

A local pub team from Norfolk are continuing their search for a funny team name, after months of an exasperating, fruitless weekly search.

The 4 earnest quizzers, led by their team captain, Eddie, 56, are mainstays at the Thursday quiz at the Prince Albert in King’s Lynn, and do well in the quiz but continue to be frustrated with their efforts to come up with a humorous or pithy name for their team.

‘Everyone knows the name of the team is just as important as your performance in the quiz’, said Eddie. ‘When Dave the quizmaster reads out your team name, it can make or break your week depending on whether you get a little cheer, a few laughs, or whether it’s just met with tumbleweed and total silence’.

‘Our problem seems to be we just go for quite factual names with no attempt at humour. Our team is all made up of wholesale fishmongers at King’s Lynn fish market, so we went with ‘Norfolk and Weigh’ - factually correct, I suppose , but no-one’s laughing at that are they?’.

‘The week after, we had a friend join us - Elizabeth Swallocks, we call her Betty’, continued Eddie. She juggles in her spare time, so we went with ‘Juggling with our Betty Swallocks’ that week. Again, it said who we were, but it’s not exactly funny is it.

‘A couple of weeks ago, another mate of mine joined the team - Peter York-Hunt, as he was down in King’s Lynn playing Aladdin in the annual panto. Our team name that week - suggested by Stan, was Aladdin York-Hunt. I told Stan we needed to try and find some humorous angle rather than just describe our guest team member, but there you go’.

‘This week I don’t know what we’re going to do for a name’, continued Eddie. ‘None of the regular team can make it this week, so I’ve asked my mate Mike Candells to step in. He’s bringing his 3 brothers with him too. They’re all fanatics of the Two Ronnies. All four of them. All four Candells, would you believe!’

‘I was thinking of some Two Ronnies related pun or gag - ‘The Worm that Turned’, or ‘it’s good night from me, and it’s good night from us’, something like that. What do you think?.’