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King pays Andrew's Pizza Express bills

Oct 12

King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years.

Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location.

A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they had waived £56 which should have been paid to the charity Venice in Peril.

As part of the settlement Andrew has agreed that he is not, and never was, a brand ambassador for Pizza Express and that 'what happens in Woking stays in Woking.'

image from pixabay

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TUI or not TUI? That is the question

sketchly

Oct 11

People are accusing travel group TUI of false advertising. Holiday makers who booked a river cruise on the Danube ended up on a replacement bus trip because the cruise ships couldn't navigate the Danube because the water level was too low. Many irritated customers are noticing that, on their return, TUI is still advertising the non-existent river cruise holiday.

When we put the question to TUI we were told that customers will not get refunds and that TUI is not guilty of false advertising.

‘The Danube river cruise holiday is a part of TUI’s new “It’s Not Our Fault” package,’ explained TUI spokesman James Wabbas. ‘We advertise these experiences and have every intention of delivering on them. But TUI can not be held legally responsible for acts of nature. In other words, it’s not our fault. TUI did not drain the water from the Danube, so we can’t be held responsible for the changes to the Danube river cruise holiday.

‘In the same way, we can’t be held responsible for the adjustment to our Sahara cruise. You see, around 8,000 years ago, the Sahara was indeed under water, and we offer people the chance to cruise around it. Now obviously it isn’t like that any more, but that’s not our fault. We do provide the replacement camel service, which is better because they are the ships of the desert, so, technically, our customers are still getting their cruise. The point is, if these people are unhappy, then they should consider suing Nature.

’Other experiences available as part of TUI’s “It’s Not Our Fault” package holidays include the chance to see the Pyramids being built, watch the English navy fend off the Spanish Armada, or even ask a Druid what Stonehenge is really all about.

Just keep in mind that TUI can not and will not be held responsible if you are hundreds or even thousands of years too late for the advertised events.

Image credit: Wix AI

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Christa Pike immortalised as Marvel superhero

eppursimuove

Oct 10

Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman the authorities seem unable to kill, is to be immortalised as a new superhero in the Marvel comic-book pantheon.

Pike, who has been on death row for 30 years following her conviction for the murder of a classmate, was twice subjected to lethal injection. Both times she came round asking herself whether this tableau of doctors and lawmen with their mouths hanging open could really be the afterlife.

After a frantic debate, those present decided it was their constitutional duty to provide medical care for Pike, at least until she was well enough for them to try and kill her again.

'Obviously her superpower will be that she can’t be killed,' explained comic book nerd Dwight Scabies. 'Not with poison, anyhow. Though I guess if they ever write a story where she’s released from prison, maybe gun violence or the American diet will get her.'

Severely brain-damaged and dependent on artificial aids to maintain even the most basic sentient activity, Donald Trump is nevertheless President of the United States.

Image credit: Wix AI

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