Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.

The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.

M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...

'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.

'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.

'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'

A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'

image by Google Gemini

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun.

Of course, there is a serious side to these unusual weather episodes. When the temperature tops 100 degrees Celsius cattle are liable to evaporate, while rising sea temperatures have meant the Reformberg in the Arctic is on the move and is expected to slide into Makerfield in mid-June, depending on traffic. The UK will also experience its first ‘flameicane’, which is like a hurricane but with fire instead of wind, great for barbecues though keep your distance.

There are fun events too. In London the BBC’s Louise Lear and Sarah Keith Lucas will be among guests at Stav Danos’ place for My Big Fat Greek Weather Forecast, to which all viewers are invited. It promises to be quite a party. Bring on the high pressure, yay!

imge from pixabay

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers.

An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned to his normal life, he was often left with a small souvenir believed to be drugs, or an infectious disease. 

Officers would like to question the shop keeper but, as if by magic, he has disappeared.

The unit is also looking into a rental shop, believed to have 'ghost' directors, that is responsible for animal cruelty to a pantomime horse, and be harbouring a Russian national accused of spying named in documents as Miss Nadia Popov.

Image by Grok