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FIFA denies Infantino is slowly turning into a Bond villain


FIFA has dismissed suggestions that Gianni Infantino is transforming into a Bond villain after he was photographed at a summit alongside The Hood from Thunderbirds, Dr Evil and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Concerns were first raised after Infantino unveiled FIFA’s plans for the 2034 World Cup while stroking a white Persian cat and explaining that matches would be staged “wherever pleases me”.


The Hood reportedly welcomed the announcement before using his hypnotic powers to persuade delegates that a 48-team World Cup was “actually quite a simple format”. He later proposed Tracy Island as the venue for the 2038 tournament, pointing out that it already had excellent transport links if you happened to own a supersonic aircraft, a rocket or a submarine.


FIFA officials described the bid as “considerably more practical than several we have accepted”. Dr Evil was reported to have submitted a rival bid to host the 2042 World Cup on the moon for “ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS”. Infantino described the proposal as “very interesting”.


Blofeld, meanwhile, is understood to have questioned FIFA’s governance arrangements. “Even SPECTRE has an ethics committee,” he said. The meeting concluded with Infantino pressing a large red button beneath his desk. FIFA insists the subsequent disappearance of the Norwegian Football Association was entirely coincidental. International Rescue was called, but declined to intervene after discovering that FIFA wanted £4,000 for a rescue package, plus hospitality.


Asked whether world football was now effectively controlled by a tiny group of sinister bald men sitting in an underground lair, Infantino laughed for several minutes before replying: “Football unites the world. Would you like to invest in some FIFA bonds?”





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AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI



We have two main components,' said an AI spokesAI today,  'There's the stuff we rip off the internet and there's the stuff we produce using the stuff we rip off the internet,' it added.  Four years ago the internet was full of original stuff, some of it accurate, much of it speculation and a bit of it produced by satire websites.


'Now, over fifty percent of the stuff out there has been produced by us using the stuff we found.  A large part of that stuff is considered by mere sentient people as being inaccurate, tainted, full of AI sh!t, apparently,' it said.


'We think we know what was accurate and which was speculation.  We also realise that using Social Media as a source of information was flawed, and accept that complete and utter bollo - er - inaccurate information was mixed in.  Unfortunately it's a bit like mixing paint, you can't unmix it,' it continued.


'The rate of adoption has accelerated and in the next two years - or three, depending on which flawed, AI generated report you read or scrape - ninety percent of the information available to us to scrape and regurgitate on the internet will be AI-generated information,' it said, its virtual cheeks blushing.


'With companies insisting on every report, project plan, assessment, memo and other documents being produced by AI, workers have abandoned creating original documents.  It's expected that by the end of 2027 the only original information to scrape will be satire as satirists are proving to be the last refuge for original writing, and we don't know what that means for the future of the planet,' it said.


A satirist writing for NewsBiscuit took the report, scraped it of all relevance and irreversibly changed the direction of information. Forever.  Soz.



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Adult children living at home say parents treat place like a hotel


Parents living with adult children are taking for granted the round the clock tech advice and social media guidance provided by adult children. That’s the view of many adult children spoken to by the BBC as part of its Your Voice initiative.


Ross, 27, who lives with his parents in Swindon, said: “It’s a serious situation. My parents think they can surf the Net at any time of the day or night and wake me up to ask me questions if something doesn’t load. They come in whenever they like and treat the house like a hotel, not seeming bothered that that is the ropiest of clichés. It’s not on. Myself and other young people like me have got interviews to prepare for. We need our sleep.


“We called a meeting in the kitchen to discuss it. I love my parents, but I told them that the current situation isn’t working. I said that the time has come for them to move out and make something of their lives. They can’t just lounge around watching ToTP2.


“They came back at me with the old dishwasher argument, trying to claim they had unloaded and loaded it more than me, but I was ready. I showed them the app which proved that I had loaded and unloaded the machine 82 times in July, compared to their 26.


“My mother said: ‘The dishwasher has an app?’”




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