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Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Yorkshire explorer mounts expedition to the source of the M1


"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."



Dad amazed when seeing his kids’ Christmas gifts for first time, on Christmas morning


A father of two was described as the most shocked individual present during his household’s Christmas celebrations, after watching his children open a series of gifts he had never seen before.


Witnesses say Tom Perry, 42, was visibly surprised as each gift was unwrapped, audibly gasping at items that appeared to align uncannily well with his children’s personalities, interests, and correct clothing sizes.


“Wow,” Perry exclaimed, after one present was opened. “I never knew they liked Lego.”


As a new telescope was unwrapped a few moments later, he gasped, “They’re into astronomy? Since when?”

According to family insiders, Perry had no involvement in selecting, purchasing, or wrapping the gifts for his two sons aged 11 and 13, a process that had been quietly completed by his wife over several months while he remained apparently oblivious to the approach of the festive season.


Witnesses say Perry seemed impressed by the mysterious benefactor behind the gifts, describing them as ‘really thoughtful, if a bit expensive’, and ‘definitely not something I would have thought of’.


“He kept saying things like, ‘I didn’t realise Lego made Harry Potter themed kits’,” said 13-year-old Josh Perry. “Didn’t he already know what we were getting?”


At one point, Perry reportedly stared at a pile of empty wrapping paper for several seconds, expressing disbelief that the children had received everything on their lists, plus several items they hadn’t known they wanted yet.

As the final gift was opened, the bemused Dad leaned back, overcome with pride and confusion. “These kids are incredibly lucky,” he said. “Whoever did Christmas this year really understood the assignment.”


When asked who that someone might be, he paused for several seconds before whispering, “Santa?”


Perry’s wife was unavailable for comment, as she was busy in the kitchen producing a 3 course Christmas lunch for 12 people, as if by magic.



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