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The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.


The caricature was developed by Nigel Farage, a millionaire commodities trader, as the mainstay for a satirical show called 'BBC News'.


His long running gag-character, a gilded, thin-skinned kleptocrat alien candidate running for election in a constituency he has never been to, in a country he obviously hates, for a people he wants to ethnically cleanse, has been very popular in Clacton.


"I love his costume made of gold and pound notes, which he defrauded me of in front of my face whilst blaming immigrants', said Phillipa, a Clacton resident, "I fall for it every time."


A spokesperson said: “police advised Farage to hold this election, due to a credible threat against his credit-rating.”


This latest antic comes a decade after his famous 'Brexit' caper, where he fooled over 17m UK voters into thinking they'd be "better off" leaving the EU, humorously costing each of them over £3,000 per year.


In a follow-up stunt he convinced them to elect a novelty persona, an incompetent who spoke entirely in pig-latin, Boris Johnson, as a Prime Minister whose toxic and chaotic response to the Covid outbreak likely caused a hilarious 23,000 excess deaths.


Allegations that he looked surprised at these results have been rejected by Farage, who insisted 'that's just how I look'.




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White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family. Her office released the following statement:


‘I am incredibly grateful to President Trump for granting me so many extraordinary opportunities to lie to so many people. I have loved working in the West Wing and spending countless hours in the Oval Office, flying around the world and meeting foreign leaders, and traveling across our beautiful country and meeting Americans from all walks of life. And lying to all of them.


Most of all, I am thankful to the President for entrusting me with the distinct privilege of lying on his behalf at the White House podium. I have lied with great pride about the disastrous accomplishments of this Administration, and I have relished lying to the liberal media in order to ensure the American people hear our carefully curated lies about President Trump’s failures.


Being a mother and welcoming a new baby while lying my way through one of the most demanding jobs in the world has been the most rewarding yet challenging season of my life, to say the least. Whoops, sorry, I may have accidentally been truthful about myself there, apologies.


If I had a heart, I may have felt in it that I could not be the mother that my two young children deserve while devoting the time, energy and lies required of the White House Press Secretary. But I’m going to say that is why I have ultimately made the bittersweet decision to depart the White House and embark on a new chapter of lies in my life. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to be associated with President Trump’s declining, sorry soaring, popularity.


President Trump has asked me to continue lying as a top advisor to him on the outside, and I will always remain a vocal liar for MAGA and the Republican Party.


And to demonstrate that my ability to lie remains as strong as ever, let me say goodbye and, with a straight face, give a message to all of my fellow Americans: I love you all.’




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The Government has announced a radical overhaul of the legislative process under which laws will no longer require evidence, consultation or any consideration of unintended consequences, provided something sufficiently upsetting has happened in the previous 48 hours.


Under the new system, ministers will be able to introduce legislation immediately after saying: “As a father, I was horrified.”


“This is 2026,” said a Home Office spokesman. “The public simply doesn’t have time to wait for facts. When something terrible happens, people want to know that the Government has immediately made something else illegal.”


The new procedure, known as Emotion-Based Legislation, will begin with a photograph of the victim, followed by interviews with grieving relatives and a television presenter asking a minister: “Surely something has to be done?”


Ministers insist the reforms will make Britain more responsive.


“For too long we have allowed lawyers, experts and people who have actually read the proposed legislation to obstruct the democratic process,” said the Justice Secretary. “The important question is not whether a law is necessary, proportionate or enforceable. It is whether you can look that family in the eye and tell them you oppose it.”


Civil liberties groups expressed concern that laws made in the immediate aftermath of shocking events have historically tended to be badly drafted, excessively broad and difficult to repeal.


Their comments were condemned as “insensitive at this time”.




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