National Trust blasts feckless oiks

The National Trust has blasted 'feckless oiks' for failing to visit its properties.

Visitor numbers are well down at National Trust properties and the organisation faces a perfect storm of rising wages, rising energy costs, visitors reducing their travel because of petrol costs, and a growing disinterest in dingy oil paintings, looted artefacts and overpriced scones.

'They bloody well should come,' shouted Major Reginald 'The Bastard' Phipps-Nuttington. 'The landed gentry built this country and the least the feckless oiks can do is come and pay homage, to see what they could have if they worked bloody hard or married into the the right family. No-one respects people of quality any more. Bloody disgrace. Turning up with their Thermos flasks and their tupperware. Cheapskates!'

An oily PR executive attempted to smooth things over. 'The Trust holds valuable historic assets for the benefit of everyone, and provides solid, well paid jobs for the idiot children of the aristocracy. These days we are extremely PC, right on, and woke - pro-diversity, anti-slavery and so on. Just don't mention hunting.

'So it is everyone's responsibility to visit, to pay the entrance fees and the car park fees, to buy expensive jam, wine and fudge, and to keep the flag flying. I for one don't want to retrain in Search Engine Optimisation.'

A feckless oik said, 'I've had enough of being ripped off by the National Trust They only want my money to pay for roof repairs and oily PR executives. Their scones are no better than Lidl's. I'm not having it. I'm spending my money on Go Ape or an Escape Room and a bottomless brunch. That's way better value than watching ageing volunteers planting out weeds in a walled garden.

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Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

“What an absolute cockwomble,” Guaraná continued. “I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.”

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. “Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.”

A primitive, Stone Age people who haven’t yet discovered fire or the wheel, Reform now has one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

image by Google Gemini

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini