Scientists have unveiled the world’s first Sam Neill Park, an ambitious attraction populated entirely by genetically recreated versions of the New Zealand actor as he appeared throughout his forty-year film career. The project follows years of painstaking research extracting traces of Sam Neill DNA from discarded wine corks, DVD commentaries and a particularly enthusiastic episode of The Graham Norton Show. Project director Dr Alan Grant insisted there was nothing to fear. “We spared no expense.” Visitors will initially encounter the friendly Dr Alan Grant Sam Neill, who spends most of the day explaining why this whole venture is catastrophically irresponsible before being ignored by management. Beyond him lies the Merlin enclosure, where medieval Sam Neill repeatedly foretells disaster in a booming voice that nobody listens to until the gift shop has collapsed. The Omen III exhibit has already proved controversial after the Antichrist Sam Neill quietly became chairman of the company running the park. Engineers had hoped to separate the different Sam Neills into carefully controlled habitats. Unfortunately they neglected one crucial detail. “They’re all played by Sam Neill,” admitted one researcher. “Within minutes they’d formed a support group and started discussing New Zealand vineyards.” The park’s most poignant attraction remains the Hunt for Red October enclosure, where one Sam Neill spends the entire day talking excitedly about his dream of emigrating to Montana before being abruptly shot just as it finally seems within reach. Children are also said to enjoy the Possession exhibit, although parents have questioned whether marital collapse, demonic psychosis and sustained screaming really belong in the family zone. The venture has not been without setbacks. A trial involving thirty-seven Sam Neills was abandoned after every single one calmly suggested that opening a park full of cloned Sam Neills was probably unwise. “They displayed an unexpected level of self-awareness,” admitted one geneticist. “Unfortunately the board dismissed their concerns because they were made by actors.” Investors remain optimistic. “If this succeeds,” said the company’s chief executive, “our next project is already in development.” “It’s called Jeff Goldblum World.” “Chaos theory suggests that one Jeff Goldblum is already too many,” explained Jeff Goldblum, moments before several more Jeff Goldblums appeared to explain it further. Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here. Image: ChatGPT |
