Man 'critical' after posting about everyday experience on LinkedIn without learning anything

A man remains in a critical condition today, after inadvertently posting on LinkedIn about an everyday experience that happened to him, without drawing out the broader leadership, management or learning takeaways that came from the encounter. 

Mike McBride, regional Sales Manager at online car supermarket company AutoComplete, carelessly posted this morning about his busy Monday morning rush-hour commute on the Northern line Tube without adding anything about the important life lessons it had taught him. 

'I don't know what I was thinking, it all happened so fast', said McBride, still severely dazed and confused. 'All I remember is I started penning a LinkedIn post something like 'One hour to get from home to the office today - got a busy week ahead'. 

'Of course, I meant to follow it up with something about how no-one was looking at each other or talking, and wasn't that a shame that all those opportunities for collaboration, random connections, or small bits of kindness were being missed', continued McBride.

'I had a quote from Dale Carnegie to add in, and was going to tag the guy off of Dragon's Den who does that podcast where he shoots shit with business leaders, but I pressed Post too early', said McBride. 'It was like it was happening in slow motion. I screamed and tried to undo the post, but the comments were already pouring in about similar journeys but with loads of stuff about the valuable insights it had provided. I felt really faint, passed out at my desk and ended up in an ambulance'. 

McBride is expected to make a full recovery, although he will need to undertake 10 uninterrupted hours of doomscrolling through his LinkedIn feed before being allowed to post again. Colleagues of McBride remain concerned however.

'I mean I'm glad Mike's going to be ok, but it isn't the first time its happened', said one colleague. 'Last week he posted something about ordering his regular latte from Starbucks and how the Barista remembered who he was and drew a little smiley face on his takeaway cup alongside his name. Obviously an open goal for a commentary on how good customer service in the hospitality sector is built on that kind of awareness and building of social capital, but Mike literally said nothing about it.  Nada.'

'If he doesn't start his next post with something about what he learned about what his recent visit to A and E taught him about teamworking, I'm going to be really worried...' 

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Buckingham Palace to host fight between King Charles and Earl Spencer

It is being called the battle of the Charlies. The royal household has invited Charles Earl Spencer to meet King Charles “man to man” in a boxing ring in front of Buckingham Palace – or should that be ‘Boxingham’ Palace – “to thrash this thing out once and for all”.

The highly unusual announcement by the Palace, and the language used, shows the strength of feeling there is on both sides. It comes as the royal family braces itself for more revelations in Earl Spencer’s book about his sister Diana, Princess of Wales. The book, Swan Song My Sister Diana, is published on Tuesday, though photocopies are widely available from Windsor services on the M4, or wherever you find your pirated material.

When the King’s equerries suggested the bout the King’s face apparently lit up “like he’d won the lottery”. He reportedly said: “Boxing? What, you mean like Rocky? Good oh! Can we get some steps like in Philadelphia. I can do the speech.” And he raised he fists and began to channel Sylvester Stallone. “The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It will beat one to one’s’ knees and keep one there if one lets it. But it ain't about how hard one hits; it's about how hard one can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!” His staff, mindful of a forthcoming pay review, applauded wildly.

New revelations in the book include Diana’s affair with Paul Weller, who wrote the song My English Rose for her and Diana auditioning to be a Bond girl. TV presenter Dermot O’Leary provided commentary at the secret weigh-in, believed to have taken place in the gardens at Highgrove, which some felt gave the King an advantage.

The presenter said: “Ladies and gentlemen, in the left hand corner, all the way from Althorp, Northamptonshire, please welcome Charlie ‘Big Boy’ Windsor! And in the right hand corner, you know the face, give me an H, give me an R, give me an H again, yes and pass the Duchy on the left hand side, please welcome Charlie HRH aka the King!”

Tickets to the bout – date to be confirmed – begin at £5000 and are available from Pall Mall Productions, a Camilla Parker Bowles company.

One piece of good news between the warring factions: they have agreed to split the proceeds of the match down the middle, though the King is already muttering about the gutters needing doing and “maybe 70-30 would be a fairer split. And besides, this Spencer chap is soon to be forgotten, like his sister”.

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Cluedo Withdrawn as Weapon Pieces Used in Real Murder

Toy store shelves across the world were today being emptied of all versions of the classic Cluedo murder mystery board game after a pensioner was brutally murdered by someone armed with 4 of the "murder weapon" pieces in the game.

73 year-old James Perbright was found beaten by the lead pipe, strung up by his fingers with several of the miniature ropes, stabbed in both eyes with the dagger, and had the candle stick wedged in his throat. The culprit has not been found but police have ruled out the local vicar, the maid, and the university Professor living next door.

Waddingtons immediately reacted to the disturbing incident by recalling all games both in the shops and those already sold to prevent a repeat. "No one envisaged that such small things could be as deadly as if they were full-size," said a company spokesman.

Police are using the clue that at least five games may have been bought at once to obtain the ropes needed for both hands as a line of enquiry.

Meanwhile, MB, Mattel and Waddingtons are looking into other board games to establish if similar risks exist anywhere else in their ranges.

Rumours that a cartel of people traffickers have been using the Operation board game accessories to take out migrants' organs for sale have not yet been disproven by investigators.

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