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TUI or not TUI? That is the question

Oct 11

People are accusing travel group TUI of false advertising. Holiday makers who booked a river cruise on the Danube ended up on a replacement bus trip because the cruise ships couldn't navigate the Danube because the water level was too low. Many irritated customers are noticing that, on their return, TUI is still advertising the non-existent river cruise holiday.

When we put the question to TUI we were told that customers will not get refunds and that TUI is not guilty of false advertising.

‘The Danube river cruise holiday is a part of TUI’s new “It’s Not Our Fault” package,’ explained TUI spokesman James Wabbas. ‘We advertise these experiences and have every intention of delivering on them. But TUI can not be held legally responsible for acts of nature. In other words, it’s not our fault. TUI did not drain the water from the Danube, so we can’t be held responsible for the changes to the Danube river cruise holiday.

‘In the same way, we can’t be held responsible for the adjustment to our Sahara cruise. You see, around 8,000 years ago, the Sahara was indeed under water, and we offer people the chance to cruise around it. Now obviously it isn’t like that any more, but that’s not our fault. We do provide the replacement camel service, which is better because they are the ships of the desert, so, technically, our customers are still getting their cruise. The point is, if these people are unhappy, then they should consider suing Nature.

’Other experiences available as part of TUI’s “It’s Not Our Fault” package holidays include the chance to see the Pyramids being built, watch the English navy fend off the Spanish Armada, or even ask a Druid what Stonehenge is really all about.

Just keep in mind that TUI can not and will not be held responsible if you are hundreds or even thousands of years too late for the advertised events.

Image credit: Wix AI

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Christa Pike immortalised as Marvel superhero

eppursimuove

Oct 10

Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman the authorities seem unable to kill, is to be immortalised as a new superhero in the Marvel comic-book pantheon.

Pike, who has been on death row for 30 years following her conviction for the murder of a classmate, was twice subjected to lethal injection. Both times she came round asking herself whether this tableau of doctors and lawmen with their mouths hanging open could really be the afterlife.

After a frantic debate, those present decided it was their constitutional duty to provide medical care for Pike, at least until she was well enough for them to try and kill her again.

'Obviously her superpower will be that she can’t be killed,' explained comic book nerd Dwight Scabies. 'Not with poison, anyhow. Though I guess if they ever write a story where she’s released from prison, maybe gun violence or the American diet will get her.'

Severely brain-damaged and dependent on artificial aids to maintain even the most basic sentient activity, Donald Trump is nevertheless President of the United States.

Image credit: Wix AI

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Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

ChrisF

Oct 9

Line Of Duty's Superintendent Ted Hastings has been ordered by senior BBC executives to stop his practice of sucking diesel, as fuel prices continue to hit record levels.

The go-to practice of Hastings, thought to involve a long piece of tubing attached to a car's fuel tank and used to demonstrate good progress in a tough AC-12 investigation, is to be outlawed with immediate effect, until oil prices begin to drop again.

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, this is a bloody nightmare, fella, let me tell you,' reported a flustered Hastings today. 'I mean what the hell do you expect me to do when things are going well? You'll be telling my granny to suck some eggs instead of diesel, I expect, will you, Sonny Jim?

'Maybe we can suck on some of that lovely water coming up the Lagan in the interim, eh? Well, let's get on with it before I throw that there bloody book at you, followed quickly by the bookcase.'

It is also thought that Hastings will not be permitted to 'cook on gas' either, as wholesale gas prices also continue to rise.

'Unfortunately, we do need to control costs,' said a senior BBC executive. 'Ted's sucking diesel budget in series 6 of Line of Duty alone ran into the millions, and to be honest, it isn't good for his long-term vocal or gastric health.

'Don't worry, we've given him some more economical alternatives, so in series 7 viewers can look forward to Ted Hastings shouting excitedly that he's 'ingesting Hydrotreated Vegetable Oil' and that 'we're chugging on Biogas LNG'.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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