European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so.

Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President.

Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.'

Recent run-ins have included spats with Spain about Israel, with Denmark about Greenland, with Narnia about immigration, with Italy about defence, with Britain about windmills, with Ukraine about the war, and with France about marital relationships.

'It's easier to share the pain,' said a tired looking diplomat. 'It's such a waste of time. Trump only does it to impress his dimwitted MAGA supporters. So taking turns makes sense - a better use if our resources.

Next in the rota is rumoured to be the Isle of Wight. They're due to start a run in about technology - winding up Trump because the USA doesn't even have Ceefax.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Paddington Bear exposed as ‘marmalade monster’ in latest celebrity scandal.

Beloved children’s icon Paddington Bear stands accused of decades of marmalade-fuelled impropriety, in what the tabloids have dubbed ‘Paddingtongate - The Sticky Paws Affair.’

Once seen as the epitome of politeness and immigrant success stories, it has emerged that Paddington was less ‘charming foreign bear’ and more ‘sinister sandwich-pusher’. Several women have come forward describing incidents where Paddington cornered them under the pretence of offering them a marmalade sandwich, before making unwanted advances.

One BBC presenter said Paddington would often grope her with his paws. 'The moment cameras stopped rolling, it wasn’t just the marmalade that got sticky,' she revealed. 'He had a suitcase full of ‘special sandwiches’. The smell alone could knock you unconscious. He’d say, eat this sandwich darling, or you’ll never work in children’s television again,’ she sobbed.

There have been further allegations that Paddington ran a ‘marmalade cartel’ stretching from Windsor Gardens to the upper echelons of the BBC, silencing complaints with veiled threats involving the Wombles.

'He’s been running this town for years,' said one anonymous TV producer. 'It’s no coincidence that Postman Pat lost his job after he questioned Paddington’s sandwich expenses.'

Paddington has released a statement denying all allegations of sinister marmalade deployment, blaming cultural misunderstandings and insisting that ‘darkest Peru had different sandwich customs’. However, insiders claim Paddington is preparing for a legal fight, having assembled a formidable defence team including Sooty, Basil Brush, and a former PR advisor to Mr Blobby.

As the scandal unfolds, the Queen’s portrait with Paddington has been quietly removed from the Buckingham Palace gift shop, the BBC has launched yet another inquiry, and #Unbearable has been trending on Twitter. One thing is clear: no one will look at a marmalade sandwich the same way again.

There has been no official comment from Downing Street so far, though an unnamed source said the Prime Minister is ‘relieved it’s not Larry the Cat this time’.

Channel 4 has announced it will suspend its upcoming 'Paddington’s Great British Bake-Off Special' until a thorough and impartial review is conducted, which will be led by Bagpuss.

In a surprise twist, Rupert the Bear has announced a tell-all memoir titled ‘I Saw What Paddington Did’. Sources claim Winnie-the-Pooh is also preparing to break his silence, although insiders warn Pooh is in no position to talk.

Meanwhile, bookmakers have slashed odds on the next British icon to face scrutiny, with Fireman Sam and the Honey Monster emerging as early favourites.

Image credit: yeri.ai (thanks, lockjaw)

Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will continue to serve popcorn just as he has served the country - with strength, integrity and a discount deal when you buy a drink.’

A Junior Minister spoke about the upcoming event on a recent breakfast show appearance, ‘It’s going to be a tough day for him. I think he wants to stay out of the limelight, but still give back to the party he has fought for all these years, more specifically the choices of sweet, salty and toffee in medium and large sized bags.’

Following this news, there are reports that Ed Miliband is planning a rival stand serving bacon sandwiches.

Image credit: ChatGPT