Trump to wrestle with his conscience in WWF spectacular

"I sucker punched Iran by attacking it while it thought we were in negotiations, I killed over 100 kids with a Tomahawk missile and blamed it on the other side and I've let my underlings make millions through advanced knowledge of my announcements about the war," said Donald Trump at a World Wrestling Federation press conference, dressed nauseatingly in a gold sequined leotard.

"Now my conscience, whatever it's been hiding, wants to wrestle with me about all that.

"When I'm finished with it," Trump bloviated, "I want that conscience stuffed and put in a gold-framed case in the Hall of Victims in my new Presidential Vulgary... I mean Library."

"I'm just a still, small voice of truth," mumbledd Trump's conscience meekly to reporters. "What the hell chance do I stand?"

"I want a million bucks for this," Trump told the organisers, predictably.

image by Grok

BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time.

Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2.

In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, without waiting for any further details, let alone evidence.

However Jim Davies, who worked at Broadcasting House for 20 years until being fired this morning, suggests they have perhaps gone too far the other way.

”All I did was forget to pay my gas bill until they sent a reminder,” said the bemused electrician. “It wasn’t even a final demand. But the Beeb said in the light of recent events, they ‘just couldn’t take any chances’.

”Mind you, it’s a relief in a way. I thought for a minute they’d found out I’ve been hanging around outside primary schools wearing nothing but a raincoat.”

image from pixabay

New bin rules to include crude oil

Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight.

The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up.

The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-provided your house sits on a deep-water port. The binmen have requested that you do not mix your heavy and light crude oils, and please separate out any crisp packets.

A minister explained. “Provided each homeowner is willing to forego the oil required to make 345,000 bags of popcorn we should be okay.” Over the Christmas period when collections are delayed, people are advised against storing their oil, as it is likely to attract a ground invasion by the Americans.

image by Grok