LONDON – In a move described as "refreshingly traditional," the British Medical Association has responded to its staff's strike action by installing a row of spinning jennies in the accounts department and replacing the staff canteen with a single, communal bucket of lukewarm gruel.
The Board of Guardians (formerly the Executive Committee) issued a statement from the comfort of a velvet-lined sedan chair, confirming that while they demand a "Golden Stethoscope and a Hereditary Peerage" for every Junior Doctor, their own support staff must learn to survive on a diet of "grit and chimney-sweepings."
The "Tavistock Square Workhouse" Reforms:
The Pay Rise: Staff have been offered a "Bountiful Shilling" per annum, provided they can prove they haven't smiled during office hours.
The "Half-Rat" Benefit: Following reports of hunger, the BMA has sanctioned the trapping of rodents in the basement. Staff are permitted to share one rat between four, provided they bring their own salt and don't get "ideas above their station."
The "Golden Carriage" Clause: The BMA insists that its represented doctors require carriages with "suspension made of unicorn silk," while office staff have been told that "shoes are a privilege, not a right," and have been issued with commemorative BMA-branded foot-bindings.
"Please Sir, I Want Some More... Paid Leave"
The industrial action was finally triggered when the BMA’s Chief Beadle replaced the building’s porcelain chamber pots with "eco-conscious" biodegradable doggy bags.
"It was a bridge too far," sobbed one Junior Data-Scrivener, while attempting to sharpen a quill by the flickering light of a single tallow stump. "We stayed quiet when the working day was extended to twenty hours, and we squinted through the candlelight without complaint. But being forced to perform our morning duties into a bag previously reserved for a Spaniel is where we draw the line. We may be the idle poor, but we’re not going to spend our only ten-minute break trying to tie a double-knot with frostbitten fingers."
When the British Medical Association was asked to comment their spokesman said "We are shocked by the ingratitude, we already provide a 'Mental Health Support' scheme consisting of a framed photograph of a loaf of bread, and we’ve even reduced the number of hours children are allowed to spend greasing the elevators. What more do these scoundrels want? A window with a view of the sun?"
At press time, the BMA had successfully petitioned the Home Office to allow them to pay their striking staff in "Company Script" redeemable only at the BMA gift shop, which currently only stocks leeches and top-hat polish.
