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The British film industry today announced the release of the heartwarming Tale of Piddington Bear.


Based on the much loved Paddington films, but updated to reflect contemporary attitudes, Piddington tells the story of an orphaned bear from darkest Peru. Like Paddington, he’s named after the place where he arrives in the UK, in this case a small Oxfordshire village.


But whereas Paddington was welcomed with open arms by a warm and loving community, with only the almost certainly Reform-voting Mr Curry hostile to him, Piddington is immediately seen as a threat.


One scene has an outraged local telling TV news crews - “I used to let my son walk the dog in the park. I won’t be able to do that no more. Not now there’s someone foreign around.” Strangely she ignores the fact that the newcomer is a bear, a large carnivorous apex predator which is likely to make him far more of a threat to boy and dog than merely being from abroad.


In the end the village is so angry it votes to secede from the UK, following which the Prime Minister declares it a “safe third country” and starts deporting failed asylum seekers there, prompting the mayor to say, 'Bloody hell, we didn’t think that through.'


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.


'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.


Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.


Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.


Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


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Following on from the arcade-style game released earlier this week that let Fascists Reform members pretend they were in charge of the Royal Navy performing illegal manoeuvres at sea to sink migrant boats, a new game has emerged.


In the new game the player has to wield a gaming dart and throw it at the Reform leadership*.  Hit a councillor and he/she will resign/defect/become an independent.  Hit three councillors on the same council and you've just won a bonus seat at Durham and get to hand Crafty Darren a pack of Kleenex.


Throw a Welsh shaped dart and score points for getting Reform Sennedd representatives to bail, or better still, hit a bullseye and get the leader to stand down (apparently not as difficult as it sounds, but be prepared for some coercive behaviour from them.


If you're throwing for the bullseye you might get an MP to change party, stand down or just admit that taking a £36M bribe is downright dodgy - don't expect to achieve a bullseye on your first game, but don't give up. 


Your game only provides credits for throwing darts whenever Reform leaders are lying or just spreading BS.  Otherwise known as unlimited throws.


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

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