Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.

During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.

Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.

'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.

'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'

'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'

It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.

'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?' 

Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium to showcase his comedy talents, it has been announced.

The news comes on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag about how in an era of cuts in defence spending, Tony Blair's long form essay criticising the Labour Party was an example of 'drone warfare''.

'It was like listening to Dudley Moore or Bill Hicks in their prime', said one MP. 'Once the laughter and tears subsided, it was no surprise to see Ed's agent from Avalon come into the chamber with a deal for Ed.'

Davey's show 'Ed's you win, Tales you lose', is being billed as a mix between old school variety stand up, Jimmy Carr-style confrontational cultural commentary, and Stewart Lee-esque deconstruction.

'I'm not saying my mother in law is fat', quipped Davey. 'She's really not but her ongoing use of Ozempic does raise important questions about the long-term funding of weight-loss drugs on the NHS'.

'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman' continued Davey. 'Under a devolved government structure, it is vital that our honourable Welsh friends, as well as Metropolitan mayors are represented in all formal consultative machinery of the state'.

'This is the natural next step for us as a party' said a Lib Dem spokesperson. 'After all, our 'Liberal Democrats Winning Here' placards and signs at local elections have been causing hilarity for months'.

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