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The Andrew Files - what the police have found so far


The Andrew Files


Friday 12th April

Met with Prince Sultan Emir bin-Whatsit as you requested. My God, these girls of his are real camels - couldn't take my eyes off their toes and front humps! Nyuk-nyuk!


Saturday November 3rd

One thing people don't realise about trade envoy work is that it's all in hot countries. I have no natural way of cooling myself, so I need to be sponged down several times a day. And all the spongeuses are from a local school just for this ancient art. Lovely little things who can get in to every one of my crevices. Lucky girls!


Tuesday 22nd August

Damn, Jeff. The bloody Range Rover wouldn't start this morning. The security officer said it was something about 'out of fuel', or empty, or something. Any chance you could get the man from Grosvenor Motors to deliver a new one without this problem? Later this morning would be good.


Wednesday 17th June

Oh, what will I do with Sarah? She's due to go to a polo gathering, and now she tells me she's only got 35 dresses to choose from! Apparently one is a little bit stained, and another one has traces of white dust of some sort, and then ... Really, it's like she only keeps them on for a few minutes before feeling she has to whip them off again.


Monday 2nd December

These damned corgis of Mama's. One of them was getting frisky with my teddy, Mr. Bunnylumps. I soon sent him packing. Had to give one of the peasant servants she keeps employing a right good bollocking about letting dogs in to my chambers. Only certain kinds of bitches there - right!



Buckingham Palace announces new ceremony: Trooping the Suspect

In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.


A palace spokesperson clarified its historic significance.


“This marks the first royal suspect processed with full pageantry since Charles I was arrested by parliamentary forces,” they explained. “The principal difference being that, this time, Andrew Mountbatten-Cell Block H has been arrested by police forces."


Plans reportedly include a precision fly-past of discreetly tinted private jets, a 36-gun middle-finger salute, and commemorative merchandise ranging from souvenir solid-gold handcuffs to a commemorative limited-edition ‘Keep Calm and Await Charge Sheet’ tea towel.


The Household Cavalry are rehearsing a new drill formation spelling out “No Comment”, and street parties are encouraged, though attendees are advised to bring their own awkward silences.


The spokesperson also confirmed that further ceremonial elements, such as a public execution to boost tourism, will depend on “how things develop legally”.



Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.


‘We checked the regs’, a spokesperson told us ‘and Brian’s time in the library could be APEL’d, which took care of year one’. APEL – or Accreditation of Prior Experience and Learning – is university-speak for cheating. It’s like Dark Matter but for qualifications.


‘He had to write assignments for years two and three but they weren’t bad. Okay, his academic writing could be better and he sometimes uses BBC Bitesize as a reference – but that’s true of most of our students’.


Brian’s dissertation – Girls Today: Highly Disappointing – was framed as a ‘lived experience narrative’ using swear words and graffiti in place of conventional sentence structure. It has been placed in the Restricted Reading section of the library.


Brian has had his critics at the university – mostly the security staff, really. Also his habit of constructing ‘book caves’ continues to irritate the librarians as it might set a bad example for the other sociology graduates sleeping rough there. Many students consider him an ‘inspiration’, given that he experienced despair, homelessness and poverty before attending university - whereas for them those are all in the future.



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