Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.

'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?

'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.

'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.

'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'

'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'

'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'

'Are you not entertained?'

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Electricians reject Burnham's 'circuit breaker' idea

Electricians have poured cold water - never a good idea when electricity is involved - on the new Prime Minister's call for a 'circuit breaker' for the entire country. 'It's just not practical,' said Des from Bromley, while putting in a new light above his neighbour's bathroom sink and asking to be paid in cash. 'I can barely keep up with calls as it is. Who's going to install this 'circuit breaker'? How big will it be? Where's it going to be put?'

Those questions remain unanswered, though there is much speculation that the Angel of the North will become the Circuit Breaker of the North. Many say she already looks like a giant electricity pylon with her arms outstretched.

The Prime Minister made the circuit breaker pledge while addressing supporters in Downing Street, a statement reading 'I know people at home are fed up with their smart TVs saying 'power off in three minutes. Press OK to continue watching'. No one understands this. I hear you and I want to be honest with you – the fuses we have been using are not good enough, and we need to be better. Whether three-pin or those awkward two-pin ones for your toothbrush, our plugs deserve to be better, and they will be. This is the moment we pledged a giant circuit breaker that will look after every home and workplace in the country, bringing forward the biggest changes in the last 40 years – a new political model and a new economic model.'

To provide 'breathing space' to alleviate the cost-of-living crisis, the Prime Minister has also promised a free Bunsen Burner for every council home in the country. The move has led to speculation that Burnham is modelling his ideas on state schools of the Seventies and Eighties. This view is backed up by Burnham's announcement that members of his Cabinet are to be called prefects. Each Cabinet minister will also have their own locker.

Image: Marc Zeman (@der_zeman) | Unsplash Photo Community

An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Dear Valued Customer,

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.

Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.

To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.

Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.

Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.

Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.

You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.

Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.

Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

Your Local Water Company

P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.

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