Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

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BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tirade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony. The heckle was considered particularly offensive due to it happening while two representatives of the jam industry were presenting an award for best use of a non-citrus toast topper in a television drama.

As the jam executives took to the stage, viewers watching the live coverage were to hear cries of 'jam w**kers', emitting from a table nearby where the marmalade-eating Peruvian was known to be seated.

Later, when Paddington made his scheduled appearance on stage himself to present the award for best children's and family entertainment programme, viewers were shocked when he slammed a jar of marmalade onto the podium and declared, 'this is what a breakfast condiment looks like, you f***ers!'

Viewers were later told by host, Alan Cumming, that anyone who has seen Paddington or any of its sequels will know that South American bears have close to no control when talking about, or in the presence of, the citrus fruit preserve, be it raw from the jar or in sandwich form, and that while they apologised for any offence caused, it's equally important that we have a conversation about our relationship with the tangy breakfast favourite made from the juice and peel of oranges. However, several witnesses to the event denied that any such condition existed, and said that the usually timid bear arrived at the ceremony already off his tits on 25 jars of Robinson's Golden Shred.

Image: aitoff - Pixabay

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

The move could see the likes of Widow Twanky, Buttons and the Two Ugly Sisters follow Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor in being stripped of their chance to become King or Queen.

Sources close to Widow Twanky said it was unfair that she and her fellow pantomime dames should be dragged into the furore surrounding Andrew’s fall from grace.

'While it would make sense for villainous characters such as The Big Bad Wolf, Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil to be stripped of the chance to sit on the throne we don't see why Ms Twanky should be denied the opportunity to become Queen. Especially when you bear in mind the one that is actually there right now.

Although no pantomime character has ever been linked to the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein and have never been accused of misconduct in public office it is thought their closeness to the Royal family has become untenable.

'It could be argued that although Cruella did try to drown 100 Dalmation puppies it is nothing compared to what King Charles gets up to with a shotgun and pack of hounds at Balmoral'

When asked if his chance of becoming King was now behind him Andrew replied 'Oh no it isn't'

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