Trump hires saluki as new White House press secretary

"The President is delighted to announce that he has appointed a golden-haired saluki as his new press secretary, in place of Katie Zacharia," said a White House kennel maid.

"The saluki, chosen at random from Four Legged Friends of Earscratch, Virginia, has all the qualities Mr Trump is looking for.

"She is blonde, doesn't mind being stroked, clams up when asked questions, has zero legal qualifications and can run like hell out of the press room when things get tough.

"The saluki also exhibits dog-like degrees of loyalty and devotion, is dumb enough to support Trump's policies without realising how criminal and stupid they are and, like the President himself, she is completely barking.

"And even if the saluki lasts only a single day in the post it'll be longer than Zacaharia lasted - when measured in dog years."

image by Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com

Defecating bears criticise undercover ITV team

Bears have reacted angrily to ITV’s undercover filming which apparently shows prominent members of the community shitting in the woods.

‘We were misled’, one bear said. ‘We thought they shared our interest in woodland activities. They were dressed in bear suits and convinced us they were bears, too. I feel dirty’.

The programme, due to air on Sunday evening, has divided the nation. Jerry (36) from Grimsby says: ‘I think we always knew what they did in those places. You just have to go to any woodland area, it’s obvious’. Frank (53) from Coventry disagrees: ‘Come on, we all do it. The metropolitan elite like to pretend they don’t, but we all know how dirty they really are. It’s natural.’

The leader of the bear community, known only as ‘Nigel’, has been uncharacteristically quiet all week. He typically holds a press conference twice a day, but has been absent since the early footage of members squeezing out a length, leading to speculation that his own filthy hole might have been caught on camera.

ITV refused to comment, though insiders are said to be excited about footage emerging from the Vatican City.

image by Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com

Mattel admits “Press Secretary Barbie” not a success

Toy maker Mattel admitted today that Press Secretary Barbie, the latest iteration in its long running series of plastic blonde dolls, hasn’t been entirely successful.

“The main problem was making it talk,” explained a company spokesman who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve found that even when we restrict it to empty MAGA platitudes, it can only go 14 minutes before it starts repeating itself and has to be carried offstage.

“After that press conference, we were expecting an angry phone call from the White House. But they’re basically pretty happy with it. If they have a problem, it’s that Trump is so obviously leering at it the whole time, even his base is starting to feel queasy.

“I don’t understand how he can be attracted to something so obviously plastic and fake… sorry, I really don’t know why I said that. Maybe as he wakes up from his afternoon nap, for a few moments he thinks it’s Ivanka.”

image by Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com