Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him.

"Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker.

"He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours.

"Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning straight after Mandelson had fixed him with a hypnotic gaze and started to sing: 'Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes and trust in me.'"

Lord Peter 'Kaa' Mandelson is 72 years old in snake years.

image by Grok

Gold for Team GB as Keir Starmer wins the 500m skating on thin ice

There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.

The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.

Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.

Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.

Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”

Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.

image by Grok

Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life.

But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there?

NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really polite email. It’s Area 51 all over again, we wasted months on that.

Do you know where Epstein is hiding? Have you seen someone who looks like him? Or do you, perhaps, run a training agency for undercover reporters? Better still – do you know where we could hire somebody competent? If so, we’d like to hear from you.

image from grok