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US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

Sep 8

The UN General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places. The Mercator map depicts Africa as similar in size to Greenland, even though it is 14 times larger.

Although most members voted to support the resolution, there were six abstentions. Only one country, geography specialists the USA, voted against the resolution.

When later asked why that was the case, United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Mike Waltz, said, 'I got a call from the US State Department, from Marco Rubio himself. The President isn't very happy that Greenland could be reduced in size as a result of this vote, so I was instructed to vote against.

'The United States needs Greenland to remain the size it is. If it gets smaller as a result of this vote, then we are no longer interested in buying it.'

When pressed if that meant that US international expansion had been stopped, Mr Waltz hesitated to continue: 'Well, uh, Africa starts and ends with the same letters as America does, so that means that... I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but, well, uh, America wants to buy Africa.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wear a paper bag over my head and go sit in a small closet in a locked, darkened room. Come get me when it's over.'

Image: Kyle Glenn (@kylejglenn) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

rogt

Sep 7

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.

'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'

The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'

An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'

The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Pippin Fort soldiers told to stop non-essential training to save money

Ian Searle

Sep 6

Captain Snort has been told to stop reduce exercises to save money, according to a Camberwick Green Parish Council source. It will continue to train soldiers preparing to be deployed or on deployments helping to organise the Chigley Biscuit Factory Dance. But Sergeant Major Grout, the second-in-command at the fort, who is not preparing for a specific deployment has been told to cut back on demonstrating their foot drill due to financial pressures.

It comes as the Prime Minister, formally the Mayor of Trumpton, faces pressure to increase spending on defence. Mr Troop the town clerk said the plans mean the soldiers will continue working in the community and responding to emergencies. But no longer doing what he called "nice to have training” like providing the local fire-fighting capability with their bright red mobile fire pump, which will be decommissioned.

This is bad news for the commander of Trumpton’s Fire Station Captain Flack who has already been forced to make Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, and Cuthbert, leaving him with just Dibble, Grubb and two retained firefighters, Chippy Minton the carpenter and his apprentice son Nibs.

It is understood there are plans to replace the fort’s army truck, which has been described as “humpety bumpety” by a Defence spokesperson, with an Apache helicopter.

An Army spokesperson, Private Higgins, said: "It is a shame. People used to wave, to the soldiers brave. Who would sing and shout, as they lurched about”.

The prime minister replied: "I've made that commitment very clear, and I have done for a considerable period of time. We are investing in a new windmill for Windy Miller, and replacing Doctor Mopp with an AI chatbot”.

Image: co-pilot

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