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Autumn budget to pause all national inquiries

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Faced with a bad financial situation, the Chancellor is expected to put all National Inquiries on hold for twelve months. This will save loads of money.


A government spokesman said, 'Inquiries already go on for far too long. They never deliver any good news. And they make everyone look bad. They are just an expensive exercise in self-flagellation.


'For example, that blond tosser stirring things up at the COVID inquiry.  Everyone is walking out of the child grooming inquiry.  None of this is helpful. Public Inquiries cost over £130m in 2023/4.  That's a lot of nurses.'   He paused, staring into the middle distance.  'A lot of nurses,' he murmured.


'Ahem!  Pausing all current Inquiries - and not starting any new ones - will give everyone a rest and time to think. Inquiry staff will be redeployed to other duties - tending trollies in A&E, processing asylum seekers and prosecuting anyone who tips over their coffee in the street.'


'Inquiries will definitely start up again in a year's time, subject to affordability.  Given that most of them move with glacial slowness, a year off will just seem like a long lunch break.'



Hunt on for alleged sex offender ousted from HMP Royal Lodge

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"We issued express orders to staff at Royal Lodge to turf out this inmate and deport him to secure accommodation in our category C Sandringham establishment," said a spokes-sceptre for Buckingham Palace.


"Unfortunately he has now gone missing, wearing only his old Garter Order robes and carrying a collection of jazz mags in a clear plastic bag.


"Apparently, the poor guy spent a long time outside the gates of Royal Lodge with a vacant look on his face, trying to get back in," continued the spokes-orb. "We had to wave him away four or five times, explaining that he'd been evicted.


"I don't think he understands stuff that well."


Eye witnesses in Windsor say they had encountered a grey-haired man in the streets asking directions to the railway station while telling passers-by: "I used to be a prince, you know".


"We are working on the assumption that he made his way to Pizza Express in Woking," said a bloodhound from Thames Valley Police.


"That's his happy place."



Fast food chain’s ‘world menu’ not a success

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A well known fast food chain – famous for their salty fries and sugary milk-shakes – has terminated its world menu promotion early.


A spokesman said, ‘Sales from our world menu promotion have, in truth, been disappointing. Our customers have expressed a strong preference for traditional British menu items like hamburgers, pizza slices and iced do-nuts with sprinkles. So, our world menu promotion is ending today.


‘Initial sales were promising, as some devil-may-care customers will try anything. But we did not see sufficient repeat purchases of our Chernobyl Nuggets or our Five Leg Chernobyl Chicken Bonus Boxes. Market research suggests that some people thought that the five legs might have come from the same chicken, which is understandable.


‘Customers also misunderstood our Ethiopia Burger promotion. All of the revenue from this project is donated to food aid charities and the burger is served with no bun, no burger, no dressings and no gherkin. Our researchers say that customers were attracted by the absence of gherkin, but found that they were still hungry, even after ordering six or seven of them.


‘Other products that didn’t sell well included the Gazan Gravel Wrap, Nicaraguan Coke, and the Jamaican Storm Flurry.


‘We will be returning to our traditional menu for the foreseeable future. Customers can continue to enjoy their familiar high fat, high sugar, high caffeine, high calorie treats.


‘We are confident that our next promotion, featuring heart healthy food and Operation game cards, will be more successful.’




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