UK celebrates annual day to get annoyed with the Taliban

With the attention-span of a gold fish on a wurlitzer and the outrage of a content creator in search of clicks, the UK has turned its attention again to Afghanistan – for all of one day. During this sacred period we will fake concern about a mess we contributed to and then completely forget about it, as there is football on the other channel.

Our moral compass has a 24‑hour battery life, and we refuse to charge it overnight. Said one outraged citizen, 'It's appalling the treatment of women, we must do something about- oh, what's that? Look, a video of a raccoon washing grapes. How cute! What was I talking about?'

With all the focus of a caffeinated moth trapped in a disco ball, one newsreader said, 'This is a serious issue - like a gym membership – and just as brief. It's so important that we keep a spotlight on the oppression. And in order to do so, let's watch a clip of a hamster driving a tiny car.'

image by Grok

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Trump denies Dolly Parton tribute is more about himself

Donald Trump moved quickly tonight to deny accusations that his tribute to Dolly Parton is motivated more by attempting to make himself look good rather than any real sense of sadness or grief.

Speaking to reporters at the White House, and wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt and Clash beanie hat the bonkers buffoon said:

‘I think Dolly was great a great lady. So many songs she’s left behind as her legacy. Just so many. Who can forget tunes like “She loves you,” and “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”? And what about that time she turned herself into a sheep and lived in a tank of bleach in London. All in the name of research against Covid? China... Chi...nah! Sleepy Joe Biden...”

Trump was hastily led from the room by his nurse while singing Enter Sandman, complaining about a nasty smell and doing a dad dance version of the robot.

image from pixabay

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Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House

US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year.

He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we have to have this’.”

A backing singer for Westminster council which owns the crossing, said: “We receive offers for the site all the time. I can confirm that we have received an offer from an individual in Washington DC which we have accepted. Like every council, we have to balance our books, and this offer is very generous.”

President Trump does not realize that the site has been repainted many times since the original 1969 iconic photo was taken. It is understood that he is now turning his attention to Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The President likes to stick his fingers into most things,” a spokesperson said. “The President’s handprint will now be added to the top of the Walk, ahead of the whole thing being moved to the White House lawn.”

image by Grok

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