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Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want


'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.


'We at the Torygraph have also said we'd sooner do time than carry these hateful, socialist ID excrescences.


'Not only that, but we have also said the digital ID card scheme would be a criminal misuse of £1.8bn of taxpayers' money - not that we in the non-dom Forsythe-Bonkers household pay a penny of that.


'Now we hear that the very first decision our new so-called prime minister, Andy Burnham, has taken in government is to scrap the digital ID card scheme, saying it's a waste of money.


'This outrageous socialist, money-saving decision from the horrid, socialist, penny-pinching Andy Burnham must be opposed with every nerve and sinew that conservative Britain possesses.


'Which is why we, the true Angle-folk of the Daily Torygraph, demand the immediate reintroduction of the digital ID scheme and a doubling of the funds needed to roll it out.


'How dare that unpatroitic leftie Andy Burnham deprive Torygraph readers of their birthright: a true, British digital ID card!'




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Andy Burnham to solve global crises by looking concerned


Andy Burnham has announced that, having successfully become involved in virtually every issue within fifty miles of Manchester, he is now ready to apply the same proven approach to the world's biggest problems.


Mr Burnham said decades of experience standing in front of television cameras near transport infrastructure had uniquely equipped him to resolve matters ranging from Middle East peace to quantum computing.


'When you've spent years saying that working people deserve better while standing beside a delayed tram, you develop transferable skills,' Burnham explained. 'People underestimate how often saying ‘This just isn't good enough' in a concerned voice can fundamentally alter reality.'


Supporters insist Burnham's success comes from an instinctive understanding of ordinary people.


'He's authentic,' said one admirer. 'If a volcano erupted in Iceland he'd be there within hours in a branded waterproof saying, ‘This isn't the future the people of Manchester deserve.''


Government officials confirmed Burnham had already offered practical assistance with several major international challenges.


'He proposed fixing the global economy by announcing a 'listening exercise',' one civil servant said. 'His plan for artificial intelligence appears to involve insisting that any superintelligence should be ‘held to account'.'


Sources say Burnham's crisis-management strategy follows a simple three-stage process.


First, arrive quickly.


Second, express solidarity with hardworking families.


Third, promise that lessons will be learned.


'If events continue after that,' admitted one aide, 'that's generally someone else's responsibility.'


The United Nations has reportedly expressed cautious interest in Burnham's methods after learning he once reduced commuter frustration by giving several exceptionally sympathetic interviews to BBC North West Tonight.


Diplomats remain divided.


Some argue that generations of geopolitical conflict cannot realistically be solved through regional radio interviews and optimistic slogans.


Others point out that nobody had previously tried appointing a man whose principal qualification is looking extremely disappointed while wearing a high-vis vest outside Manchester Piccadilly.


Burnham himself dismissed the criticism.


'Look,' he said, jogging purposefully towards a waiting camera crew, 'the important thing is to be seen running in the general direction of the problem.'


Image: WixAI



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Friend using phrase 'cheat code' to refer to very minor shortcuts to success

A friend is insisting on repeatedly using the phrase 'cheat code' to refer very elementary shortcuts to success in the most basic tasks, it has been confirmed.


The news comes despite your mate seemingly having no experience of unlocking secret gameplay elements on Grand Theft Auto, nor a previous career as a computer programmer for Konami or Nintendo  in the 1990s looking to make game testing more straightforward. 


'Finished updating my CV this morning, feeling good #career #cheatcode #unlocked', gushed your mate Richie on LinkedIn earlier.


'Guys, I just used a travel agent to help book our group golf trip, it's definitely a holiday cheat code', continued Richie enthusiastically over a couple of pints later in your local. 


'If you're looking for a fitness cheat code - and let's be honest, who isn't,' continued Richie, '...then you could do worse than going to the gym early doors before work. Job done.'


'Putting your two feet round the bottom of your Brabantia bin, while you simultaneously yank up the overfull binbag inside to get it out in one go - got to be the ultimate kitchen cheat code, hasn't it?', said Richie a little more tentatively.


'Anyone going to tell him to stop using that bloody annoying phrase incessantly', said your mate Dave when Richie went for a quick piss in the gents. 'Who's got the cheat code for that conversation?'   



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