An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Dear Valued Customer,

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.

Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.

To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.

Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.

Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.

Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.

You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.

Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.

Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

Your Local Water Company

P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.

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Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want

'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.

'We at the Torygraph have also said we'd sooner do time than carry these hateful, socialist ID excrescences.

'Not only that, but we have also said the digital ID card scheme would be a criminal misuse of £1.8bn of taxpayers' money - not that we in the non-dom Forsythe-Bonkers household pay a penny of that.

'Now we hear that the very first decision our new so-called prime minister, Andy Burnham, has taken in government is to scrap the digital ID card scheme, saying it's a waste of money.

'This outrageous socialist, money-saving decision from the horrid, socialist, penny-pinching Andy Burnham must be opposed with every nerve and sinew that conservative Britain possesses.

'Which is why we, the true Angle-folk of the Daily Torygraph, demand the immediate reintroduction of the digital ID scheme and a doubling of the funds needed to roll it out.

'How dare that unpatroitic leftie Andy Burnham deprive Torygraph readers of their birthright: a true, British digital ID card!'

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Andy Burnham to solve global crises by looking concerned

Andy Burnham has announced that, having successfully become involved in virtually every issue within fifty miles of Manchester, he is now ready to apply the same proven approach to the world's biggest problems.

Mr Burnham said decades of experience standing in front of television cameras near transport infrastructure had uniquely equipped him to resolve matters ranging from Middle East peace to quantum computing.

'When you've spent years saying that working people deserve better while standing beside a delayed tram, you develop transferable skills,' Burnham explained. 'People underestimate how often saying ‘This just isn't good enough' in a concerned voice can fundamentally alter reality.'

Supporters insist Burnham's success comes from an instinctive understanding of ordinary people.

'He's authentic,' said one admirer. 'If a volcano erupted in Iceland he'd be there within hours in a branded waterproof saying, ‘This isn't the future the people of Manchester deserve.''

Government officials confirmed Burnham had already offered practical assistance with several major international challenges.

'He proposed fixing the global economy by announcing a 'listening exercise',' one civil servant said. 'His plan for artificial intelligence appears to involve insisting that any superintelligence should be ‘held to account'.'

Sources say Burnham's crisis-management strategy follows a simple three-stage process.

First, arrive quickly.

Second, express solidarity with hardworking families.

Third, promise that lessons will be learned.

'If events continue after that,' admitted one aide, 'that's generally someone else's responsibility.'

The United Nations has reportedly expressed cautious interest in Burnham's methods after learning he once reduced commuter frustration by giving several exceptionally sympathetic interviews to BBC North West Tonight.

Diplomats remain divided.

Some argue that generations of geopolitical conflict cannot realistically be solved through regional radio interviews and optimistic slogans.

Others point out that nobody had previously tried appointing a man whose principal qualification is looking extremely disappointed while wearing a high-vis vest outside Manchester Piccadilly.

Burnham himself dismissed the criticism.

'Look,' he said, jogging purposefully towards a waiting camera crew, 'the important thing is to be seen running in the general direction of the problem.'

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