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Fury and Joshua to enter the ring on mobility scooters

Writer: Gerontius
Gerontius
Sep 29

Promoters for the long-awaited heavyweight decider between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua say the two boxers will enter the ring on mobility scooters. Big fight stalwart Ted Hearnes said a specially prepared ramp with a low-profile threshold bridge will help keep the boxers safe from toppling over as they access the ring from the arena floor.


The new ring-side ropes will be made of eco-friendly multi-filament polypropylene. It is thought traditional ropes made from heavy-duty steel cable core wrapped in thick foam padding could affect the boxers wellbeing, causing a rash, xerosis or pressure ulcers on their aging skin.


The custom built mobility scooters will take into account the boxers enhanced size and their age related mobility issues. They will be fitted with a wider wheelbase compared to that of standard scooters and have an impressive top speed of 4mph. The boxers are aiming to break into the lucrative mobility scooter market and hope their high-profile ring entry will generate a fan base among other elderly sports fans.


It is not unusual for boxers to cash in on their heavyweight fame. In the 1970s Henry Cooper appeared in several TV commercials extolling the virtues of Brut 33 and Frank Bruno was seen splashing dollops of HP Sauce all over his cooked breakfast. Fury has already tested the waters, having set up a company making reusable denture cups aimed at the false-teeth market. He keeps his gum shield in one of his re-usable denture pots during the break between rounds. The pots come in a range of vibrant colours and it is hoped the stylish design will attract a wider audience across the denture wearing public.


There are plans to extend the break between rounds to 5 minutes so that the boxers can have a nap or take a quick toilet break before resuming the contest.


The event was to be broadcast on Netflix late on Saturday night but promoters say the bout would be better placed just after Countdown and before Beat The Chasers on a Thursday afternoon before the nights draw in.




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Amazon still trying to deliver to RAF Fairford

Writer: Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Sep 28

Despite three Amazon Prime vans attempting to locate RAF Fairford, the online retailer insists it will deliver the packages ordered late last week from a Mr I Ran. 'Apparently they insist we don't leave the packages at the air base next door,' said an Amazon spokesman, adding, 'it's very irritating as for some reason security is very tight at the moment. Maybe they should order some Ring doorbell cameras if they're so paranoid,'


Counter terrorist police are being typically tight-lipped but have confirmed that they have impounded three Prime delivery vans, arrested five personnel, impounded several plastic barrels of urine and have discovered several parcels reported missing three months ago.


This isn't the first time Mr I Ran has arranged deliveries to the US manned airbase. It has previously ordered twenty pounds of plastic explosive and a clockwork timer device to be delivered using Asda home delivery, however the retailer substituted two lego kits and a Hello Kitty wall clock. Domino Pizza also attempted to deliver a pizza of mass destruction late last year, but forgot to add the Jalapeno peppers so it was turned back at the main gate.




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Government to use boarding schools as prisons

Writer: MartinH
MartinH
Sep 27

The government has announced plans to turn recently closed boarding schools into prisons.


A Ministry of Justice spokesman said “Following the introduction of VAT on private school fees last year, several boarding schools have been forced to close down and they make ideal prisons. Both feature drafty, old Victorian buildings, bars over the windows, brutal sanitation and mandatory exercise. You are strictly not allowed to leave, and you must wear a distinctive uniform that makes you easily recognisable (and generally disliked) by the local community outside the perimeter walls.”


A speaker for the Lib Dems welcomed the move saying “In this country we have a word for people who have experienced both boarding school and prison - Conservatives! You leave both places having made connections that will be useful in life, right alongside massive mental issues and psychological damage: The foundation stones of modern Conservatism”.


A spokesman for the Conservatives said “Prison and boarding school is a family tradition that runs in the bloodline. My advice? Avoid the showers and learn to dodge physical beatings administered by authority figures and roommates.”


The Headmaster of the recently closed St Edturds College said “Both places offer a surprisingly similar timetable filled with woodworking, needle craft, and gardening. When you get bored with those, the main hobby becomes trying to tunnel out to escape. Many of our sixth formers were involved in some form of white collar crime so we’re looking forward to seeing them back shortly. Their parents will be delighted with the government picking up the tab for the exact same locked-down experience!”


Culinary Standards remains an issue though. The schools will really need to up their game to meet the minimum standards required for prison food.





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