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Brian Welch (51) has just spent five weeks researching 3D printers, weighing up size, price and reviews and then spent £562 to buy the latest and greatest 3D printer on the market. When it arrived, he unpacked it and stood it on the dining room table, which wobbles because one leg is, annoyingly, shorter than the other three.


'The wobbly table has always irritated me,' he told reporters, admitting he should have sent it back to Argos years ago.  'The wobble made setting the 3D printer up a little tricky, but I got there in the end. I looked up some online designs and found one for a drink coaster which looked, well, round and about two millimetres thick,' he said.


Within two days, after fourteen failed attempts and approximately forty-two pounds worth of consumable material, Brian had created a startling, if very red, drink coaster that slips nicely under the shorter leg of the dining table and stops it wobbling.


Brian is convinced 3D printers are the future.  'No more ten-minute trips to B&Q to buy a replacement clip or a pack of wall plugs when all I need to do is fire up the printer, search for a suitable product design to download, press print and wait a day or three,' he said, packing the printer back into its box.  'I need the space on the table, so I'll just pop this in the attic until I need it,' he said.  'It's practically paid for itself,' he argued, waving his coffee mug around, looking for something to put it on.


'Looks like I need to order some mug mats,' he said.



Image credit: ChatGPT



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French politicians have slammed rioting school kids for blockading roads without the use of tractors. A government spokesperson complained that the children didn't understand "proper protocol", and that they will gladly listen to the protesters' demands, providing they first don yellow vests and grill some sheep on the barricades.


Meanwhile, citing a "total lack of respect for French traditions", commentators from the right wing Front National have condemned the rioters for being "far too young", and for burning e-scooters instead of barrels of oil.


"They say they want more lessons and more teachers" said one baffled minister. "Don't they understand that strikes are about working less? Sacré bleu-blanc-rouge!"


"Plus they're causing even more damage to school buildings. Can't they just smash up an American fast food place like normal? McDonald's has more money for repairs than we do."




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The early release of some prisoners started today, and this fires the starting gun for tabloid newspaper editors. The race is on to get the first and the best stories about reoffending.


'There are at least three stories here,' said an excited Daily Mail subeditor. 'The first story is easy. We just need to print a story today or tomorrow about any new offence by an early release prisoner. Could be anything. Litter. Jaywalking. Shoving a reporter. That's easy.


The second story could take a little while. That'll be the first serious offence. Ideally, it will be the same offence that they were banged up for in the first place. So, littering won't cut it for the second story. Jaywalking, which isn't actualy a UK offence, is a possible, though. If there are more serious offences, then there's good stories in that. Maybe on page three or page five. Unless it's really serious.


'And the third story is 'Why oh why did Andy Burnham force this stupid policy through?'. We've already written that one. Actually, we've already run the story more than once, but the readers won't notice if we use it again. They just lap it all up.


'Sorry, that's all. I've got to go! There's news about a prisoner in a local park, and he's only half a mile from the kiddies playground with his parole officer...hold the press!'




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