Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

As the government encourage us to keep at least 3 days supplies stashed away in case of climate/ cyber/ pandemic/civil disorder/ fuel shortage issues in the near future the leading retailers are scrambling to make their hampers the best that you can buy this Christmas. Harrods lead the way with a hamper which is literally fit for royalty.

The Harrods 'Emergency Luxury Box' has everything a well to do family would need to get through a major crisis.

Contents:

• 1 tin of braised Greenland Reindeer in red wine

• 1 tin of Yemeni sun dried tomatoes

• 1 jar of Palestinian black olives,

• 5kg of Ukrainian flour and equipment for making sourdough

• 1 pack of Nepalese brown rice

• 1 litre of Venezuelan cooking oil

• A pack of Mexican Tortillas infused with chinchilla oil

• Russian caviar in champagne marinade

• Two 10 litre bottles of Himalayan glacier meltwater

• One large can of evaporated yak milk

• 4 pack of Swiss Osprey breast fillets

• 1kg of sealion milk mozzarella

• 2 kg Eritrean truffles

The additional 'Capitalism Collapse' pack is also available at extra cost (naturally) and includes:

• A pack of 20 whale blubber candles with silver candlestick

• One canister of Iranian Butane gas

• 1 ton of Indonesian mahogany rosewood fire logs

• 4 pre-filled medical grade hypodermic syringes (1 Ozempic , 2 Botox, 1 morphine)

• 2 bottles of Chateau Musk soixante neuf sec

• One bottle of Trump Orange, tanning lotion

• 2 packs of Tena Lady (heavy duty)

• 2 GB data card for Giff Gaff mobile network

• One Smith and Wesson 45 mm hand gun

• 24 bullets

Image: CestasdeNavidad_store - Pixabay

Ducks demand end to 'Great Weather for Ducks' comments after Storm Boelo blows Gerald into a hedge

LOCAL POND - A mallard named Gerald has launched a furious public appeal to stop talking about the current cold, blustery conditions as 'Great Weather for Ducks' after the effects of Storm Boelo. Bystanders have described the accident as a strong gust of wind blew Gerald across the pond and into a hedge near the bus-shelter.

Gerald, speaking from a sheltered clump of weeds, said that while ducks famously do like 'a little bit of rain' - he drew a clear distinction between a calming drizzle and the gust-assisted downpour that has ruined the local duckweed.

'Every idiot with a Labrador is coming up to the pond and saying 'Bet you're loving this'.' said Gerald. 'No, Kevin, I am not bloody loving this. I am clinging to a bench leg. My feathers will take weeks to preen. I am not enjoying getting fired through the air like a wet shuttlecock!'

Local Councillor, Denise Harrow, has made a full consultation with her constituents both in and around the pond and has raised serious concerns about the foul language being used to the fowl. 'My constituents do enjoy the rain - this is true - however they do not enjoy torrential downpours, horizontal winds or local dog-walkers making weather comments while wearing rain-proofs. We are asking anyone in the area to pause all usage of Avian-based phrases until such time that Storm Boelo has passed.'

The council have provided a list of alternate phrases to use in the area of the pond on their website. These consist of 'miserable out', 'I hope the ducks are coping' and the French 'raining rope'.

Gerald, himself, has not ruled out 'raining cats and dogs' but thinks that it's not worth adding to the bill.

Image: duck-4941842_1280.jpg (1280×853)

How to make the sun shine more

This weekend's clock change brings home what a farcical waste of time this exercise is.  As one householder said, 'It hardly makes any difference!  The sun isn't very bright at this time of year anyway, so an extra hour of it shining on my solar panels (if I'm lucky) barely earns me an extra quid.  And in the spring, I lose it again.  Or is it the other way round?  I always get confused.

'The whole idea's a bit mad - an utter con.  It's just a mind game.  What we need is something sensible and practical - something which will make a real difference, and which will save the planet.  What we ought to do is change the clocks every day.'

'If we moved the clocks one hour back every day at noon, we'd get an extra hour of sunlight every day.  And if we moved them forward again every night at midnight, we'd shorten every dark, miserable, un-productive and unprofitable sunless night by an hour, all year round.  That would be 365.2422 times more productive (yes, I've dome my homework, so I know what I'm talking about) and would also be simpler for the sun, which might otherwise get confused and get out of step with itself.'

The sun was unavailable for comment.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/andrey_and_olesya-12345218/