top of page
Search

NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park



NCP Enters Administration After Accidentally Parking in Its Own Car Park


Car park operator NCP has gone into administration this week after a travelling staff member accidentally parked in one of the company's sites in Central Manchester.


"I was travelling up north to attend a meeting about customer pricing strategies", said Matt Jones, the now out-of-work Analyst.


"I usually park in Tesco and use my meal deal receipt to validate my parking before I leave, but a wrong turn sent me up the one way ramp and through the barrier", he added.


The company's VW Polo, which is still stranded at the site, has now amassed fees roughly equivalent to the GDP of the Netherlands.


"Apparently Matt's still in the car", said the company's Chief Financial Officer, Mike Simms. "Once the fee exceeded his annual salary, we decided he should just wait it out and start a Go Fund Me page".


Plans are now underway to seal the car park in concrete and sell the land to local developers.


"Yes, we'll let Matt out first, obviously insisted Simms. "Provided he pays the location surcharge and out of hours barrier fee"


Author: Benjani



Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”


The row over the redesign of Britain’s banknotes entered a new phase today when it emerged it may all have been for nothing.


“We know from experience that some people manage to be offended by just about any historical figure,” said a spokesman for the Royal Mint today. “Even if their opinions were completely normal for the era they lived in. But I guess TikTok doesn’t go into that much detail.


”So we thought we’d circumvent all that by having sweet little animals on the banknotes instead. Who could possibly be offended by them?”


Quite a lot of people, as it turns out. First to “speak her truth” was GenZJenny, who tweeted that the mating habits of the common stoat, which features on the new £10 note, fall far short of the requirements for verbal consent to be obtained at every stage of intimacy, as distributed to all university freshers since 2015.


Others accused the Royal Mint of “privileging Anglocentrism” by featuring only animals native to Britain, saying it was “practically the Amritsar massacre all over again. Educate yourself. I’m literally shaking.”


The spokesman said they’d learned their lesson, and would in future not bother pandering to professional offence takers since it clearly makes no difference.


”And after all, if they’re in their teens or early 20s now, it’s not like they’ll ever have any money anyway.”



Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius


As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed.


'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suitable, and when that happens only the United States will say what is allowed and what's not allowed to happen there.'


The news was confirmed shortly afterwards by Trump himself, while swanning around on Airforce One returning to Washington from his golf course.


'Hormuz is a kinda bad sounding word, isn't it? Not American. Very bad. A lot of people tell me that. Sounds foreign and it's a problem. So we're changing it to Strait of Massachusetts. Wow, how about that? A truly wonderful American name. So now we get to decide who can sail their boats up, down and along it. No mines, no more mines,' said Trump, before busting out a stupid, robotic 1980s dad dance move.


Despite the announcement being met with stunned disbelief in most quarters, no one is particularly surprised to see the Trump-friendly, sycophantic, global poodle corporations, Google and Apple have already amended their online maps to show the new name.



bottom of page