Man Utd goalie replaced with own waxwork

Light was shed on recent Manchester United results when it was discovered that goalkeeper André Onana had accidentally been replaced with his own waxwork.

The team visited Madam Tussaud’s in order to take a lot of lame, jokey photos of players next to their waxwork figures for the newspapers. Somehow, in the confusion, when they left they took with them Onana’s waxwork rather than the goalie himself.

'It’s easy to be wise after the event,' said manager Ruben Amorim. 'But yeah, when you watch footage of recent games, it’s pretty obvious. Even the real Onana did move occasionally as the ball went past him.'

'I did wonder why we had to carry him on and off the field,' admitted defender Harry Maguire. 'I thought he’d just had a heavy night, or sumfin.'

Asked whether it wasn’t suspicious that the figure just stared gormlessly into space the whole time, Maguire replied, 'Well, I’m old enough to have played with David Beckham, so...'

Meanwhile, the real Onana still in Madam Tussaud's has had to put up with a lot of indignities, especially from Man City fans. This got so bad that one day he snapped and tried to clout one of them round the head. Unfortunately he was so slow to react, the offending fan was already on the tube on his way home.

23andMe to offer 'What percentage Elon Musk?' option

Elon Musk’s stated determination to have more children, on top of the 14 he has already, raises the possibility that in the future, all living human beings will have at least some Elon Musk in their DNA. 

With this in mind, genealogy company 23andMe has said it plans to offer customers the option of knowing what percentage Elon Musk they are. 

'Of course, this won’t be compulsory,' said the company. 'If you’d rather not know, we can just put it down as ‘South African heritage’.'

As this option isn’t available yet, we have produced this handy guide to determining whether you might be one of Musk’s offspring.

1) Do you have a ridiculous name? If your name is Techno Mechanicus, Seldon Lycurgus, Exa Dark Sideræl or X Æ A-Xii, it’s highly likely you are a child of Musk. However, this test is not considered conclusive, as you may also be a Geldof. 

2) Do you find yourself paying court to vile people, pretending to be impressed by them just because they have power?

3) Do you often fire people for no reason, then frantically rehire them when you realise they were doing something important?

4) Do you spend a fortune building spacecraft which invariably blow up when you try to launch them?

5) Have you designed a road vehicle so ugly, it actually looks better after it’s been vandalised?

6) Is Amber Heard trying to sleep with you? (NB This only applies if you’ve inherited a lot of Elon’s money.)

7) Do you have a freakishly large puppet head?

8) Are you creepy as hell?

Image by amorimbiotec from Pixabay

Editor admits: Being fair to Starmer was a moment of madness

'There is no justification for my comments,' admitted a tearful Clive Haw-Haw, speaking after his shock resignation as editor-in-chief of The Daily Schweinhund.

'What I said was reckless, damaging and morally indefensible. I probably don't deserve to go on living.'

'We're still in disbelief,' said the Schweinhund's senior reporter. 'We were in the morning meeting, planning to do a totally true story about how 10,000 people in Basildon had contracted Aids and herpes after casting their votes for Labour, and the publisher asked whether there were any more totally true stories we could fabricate to make Starmer's life a misery.

'Then we heard the editor murmur: 'I don't know. Maybe we should give him a chance.'

'Well, we had to act fast. We hustled him out of the newsroom and straight down to the Newspaper Editors Guild, where we sat him down in front of his peers on the Horst Wessel Committee of Dementedly Right-Wing Papers.

'They stripped him of his job, along with his John Major memorial underpants, and his signed photo of Alan Clark doing a secretary. Then they turfed him out, naked and penniless, onto the streets of Labour's Britain - since he seemed to like it so much.'

'After this disgrace, I will retreat from the rat race,' said Mr Haw-Haw. 'I will wander the face of the Earth, devoting myself to Bad Works. I'll kick pensioners' sticks away and steal candyfloss from kids at fairs in the hope that eventually Britain's leading Tories will accept me back as one of their own - a thorough-going, unmitigated schweinhund.'

Image by Hanne Hasu from Pixabay