The government has announced plans to turn recently closed boarding schools into prisons.
A Ministry of Justice spokesman said “Following the introduction of VAT on private school fees last year, several boarding schools have been forced to close down and they make ideal prisons. Both feature drafty, old Victorian buildings, bars over the windows, brutal sanitation and mandatory exercise. You are strictly not allowed to leave, and you must wear a distinctive uniform that makes you easily recognisable (and generally disliked) by the local community outside the perimeter walls.”
A speaker for the Lib Dems welcomed the move saying “In this country we have a word for people who have experienced both boarding school and prison - Conservatives! You leave both places having made connections that will be useful in life, right alongside massive mental issues and psychological damage: The foundation stones of modern Conservatism”.
A spokesman for the Conservatives said “Prison and boarding school is a family tradition that runs in the bloodline. My advice? Avoid the showers and learn to dodge physical beatings administered by authority figures and roommates.”
The Headmaster of the recently closed St Edturds College said “Both places offer a surprisingly similar timetable filled with woodworking, needle craft, and gardening. When you get bored with those, the main hobby becomes trying to tunnel out to escape. Many of our sixth formers were involved in some form of white collar crime so we’re looking forward to seeing them back shortly. Their parents will be delighted with the government picking up the tab for the exact same locked-down experience!”
Culinary Standards remains an issue though. The schools will really need to up their game to meet the minimum standards required for prison food.
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here
