Trump demands place on all paint colour charts

'I know they're never going to honour my name after I've left the White House,' Donald Trump told a paintmakers' conference in Dulux, Pennsylvania. 'They'll demolish the Trump ballroom and turn the Trump-Kennedy Centre back into the boring old Kennedy Centre.

'That's why I want you guys to immortalise the name 'Trump' by making it a colour on your paint charts.

'Trump's gotta be bright red, like my ties and my hats,' ranted the President. 'I mean, a really insanely lurid shade of red - somewhere beyond High on Amphetamines Traffic Light red and Red Alert: This Plane Is Going To Crash Dive red.'

'I also want orange like my skin. And white, like my skin. And gold - I love gold. All the gold. So much gold.... And I want black like the void where my heart should be.'

'I guess we had no choice except to go ahead and do what he wanted,' grunted a spokes-brush for the Guild of Servile American Paint and Dyestuff Makers, 20 minutes after Trump's speech. 'He said he'd put huge tariffs on us if we didn't.

'Our only question is, who the hell is going to be deranged enough to decorate their house in MAGA red?'

Latest reports indicate that 77 million completely deranged Trump voters had put in orders for the repugnant new paint.

Image: stux - Pixabay

Leaked UK budget proposes to raise pension age to 5 years before you die

In a dramatic money saving move the UK chancellors’ budget next week is expected to save literally squillions over the next few decades. Instead of the pension budget climbing inexorably due to the triple lock Mr Healey will instead limit your time as a pensioner nearer to that experienced by previous generations, i.e. about 5 years if you were lucky. No more retiring in your 50s and then swanning around for the next 30 years winging about the cost of living, once you get your pension it’s spend, spend, spend before your time is up. Other benefits are expected to be a reduction in the queues at post offices at lunchtime, fewer Sunday drivers wearing a hat and an overall boost to the economy as all those lovely savings get spent on recliner chairs, walk in baths and water filled foot massagers.

Some commentators have wondered how the government knows how long you are going to live but Mr Healey had an answer ready:- AI. He says it’s now so good you can point it at a couple of photos of any adult in the UK and it will predict their life expectancy along with their levels of racism, anti-Semitism and gullibility with an accuracy some other governments around the world can only dream of, or make up, as appropriate.

Asked if there are any downsides, Mr Healey said yes, but they are minor and he had a plan. Anyone suddenly changing lifestyle and looking like they were going to beat the odds would be invited to stay at the Carrousel Carehome run by the Sandman group. He also announced a new recycling initiative using food waste to make the UK less reliant on food imports. This is to be run by the Green Soylent Corporation.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

As the government encourage us to keep at least 3 days supplies stashed away in case of climate/ cyber/ pandemic/civil disorder/ fuel shortage issues in the near future the leading retailers are scrambling to make their hampers the best that you can buy this Christmas. Harrods lead the way with a hamper which is literally fit for royalty.

The Harrods 'Emergency Luxury Box' has everything a well to do family would need to get through a major crisis.

Contents:

• 1 tin of braised Greenland Reindeer in red wine

• 1 tin of Yemeni sun dried tomatoes

• 1 jar of Palestinian black olives,

• 5kg of Ukrainian flour and equipment for making sourdough

• 1 pack of Nepalese brown rice

• 1 litre of Venezuelan cooking oil

• A pack of Mexican Tortillas infused with chinchilla oil

• Russian caviar in champagne marinade

• Two 10 litre bottles of Himalayan glacier meltwater

• One large can of evaporated yak milk

• 4 pack of Swiss Osprey breast fillets

• 1kg of sealion milk mozzarella

• 2 kg Eritrean truffles

The additional 'Capitalism Collapse' pack is also available at extra cost (naturally) and includes:

• A pack of 20 whale blubber candles with silver candlestick

• One canister of Iranian Butane gas

• 1 ton of Indonesian mahogany rosewood fire logs

• 4 pre-filled medical grade hypodermic syringes (1 Ozempic , 2 Botox, 1 morphine)

• 2 bottles of Chateau Musk soixante neuf sec

• One bottle of Trump Orange, tanning lotion

• 2 packs of Tena Lady (heavy duty)

• 2 GB data card for Giff Gaff mobile network

• One Smith and Wesson 45 mm hand gun

• 24 bullets

Image: CestasdeNavidad_store - Pixabay