Great Election results, say all party leaders

Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted.  And all the party leaders agree that they got great results.

Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy.  And also of removing the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

Nigel Farage is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry South constituency for the Reform Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This result illustrates the importance of a tough, mean-spirited and uncompromising policy on immigration.  And also of maintaining the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure further donations to guarantee my security, and if this result is replicated nationally, then we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

Keir Starmer is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry Central constituency for the Labour Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This was, in some ways, a narrow win. But a win is a win.  The result illustrates the importance of, err, change, and delivering change with a laser focus, difficult decisions, broadest shoulders etc.  And also of delivering on the other manifesto commitments, like, err, you know, the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure donations for some more free suits and spectacles, and if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

The Plaid Leader has rejected criticism of their candidates' performances in all the Dingleberry constituencies and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘Many English voters strongly support Welsh devolution, including our policies to treble council tax on second homes, reducing speed limits to 15mph, doing absolutely everything in Welsh, and not allowing English pensioners to use their bus passes on buses in Wales.  And on pensions.  Everyone seems to mention pensions.  We are confident that we can win over voters everywhere, and that we will be voted in at the next General Election.’

The SNP Leader said, ‘On this occasion, and for one time only, I entirely agree with my Plaid colleague.  Independence now!’

Kemi Badenoch is pleased to have almost taken the Dingleberry West constituency for the Tory Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This very close but catastrophic result illustrates that there is further work to do to expunge the appalling legacy of Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Dominic Cummings, Dominic Raab, Gavin Williamson, and all the other dimwits who spaffed the Tory party up a wall.  We have a clear policy to scrap Stamp Duty, and will deliver a second policy very soon.  It will probably be about the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, then the Conservative Party will survive the next General Election and live to fight another day.  ’

Image: . mounsey - Pixabay ’

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Dogs not allowed to say which way they'd vote

With the Welsh Sennedd, Scottish Parliament and a myriad number of local elections taking place on May 7th, the question is - which way would dogs vote?

The local and national press search out dogs tied to polling station railings up and down the country on election days, mainly as a ruse to get around the ban on photographing individuals who may or may not be voting.  Couple that with the blanket ban on reporting on political parties who may, or may not, be standing in the elections means the papers, TV stations and all other irresponsible sources of fake news are desperate to shoe-horn an image of a polling station in the vague hope they can make a statement that might suggest voting is going well/doing badly/slow for the time of day and vacuous speculation about the potential for their favoured political party winning the elections without ending up in court. 

Like anyone has to guess which one that is.

However, as the only fake news site prepared to own up to being such a beast, Newsbiscuit has been polling the dogs up until election day to find out how they would vote if they were offered suffrage.  As this is unlikely until after World War 3, or June whichever comes first, we believe we're keeping within the law.

One dog, who asked to be called Rover (probably his real name) said he wouldn't vote for any party that would accept his owner as a member.  He indicated that any owner who relied on adverts to decide which food to feed his dog isn't responsible enough to choose a political party, let alone pay to join one.  

Another dog, who claimed to be Trixie-Belle, indicated she would sniff the arses of all the politicians to make her decision.  There might be some error in that interpretation, she might have just said all politicians are arses.

We found a dog actually tied to the railings of a polling station and asked if he would prefer to be in there voting, to which he answered 'sure, beats sitting here waiting for my owner to finish off in Wetherspoons'. Talk about ruff.

Image: mounsey - Pixabay

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Zack Polanski revealed as 4KG savoy cabbage in a tailored blazer

An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician.

The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State.

The Cult of the Cabbage

The investigation found that the Green Party has largely abandoned environmentalism in favour of a "Cult of the Cabbage." Insiders reveal that party meetings are now mostly silent affairs where members stand in a circle and attempt to photosynthesise.

"It’s not just about the planet anymore; it’s about the purity of the soil," whispered one source. "Zack—or 'The Great Brassica' as we have to call him—is obsessed with identity politics. If you aren't 100% heirloom, you're a weed. The rhetoric has become increasingly divisive and exclusionary, with some members concerned that the party's new 'Soil Purity' laws are a thin veil for deep-seated anti-Semitism and the targeting of anyone who doesn't fit the Cabbage’s vision of a 'pure monoculture.'"

The Manifesto for a Green Republic

Leaked documents from the "Compost Committee" outline the Cabbage’s plans for a post-human Britain:

The McDonald’s Annexation: All McDonald’s franchises are to be seized by the state and converted into "McMarrow" distribution hubs. The "Golden Arches" will be replaced by "The Holy Stalk."

Spiritual Allotments: In a radical move toward "Atheistic Agriculture," all places of worship are to be demolished. Citizens will be assigned a 10ft x 10ft plot of dirt where they must spend their weekends whispering socialist theory to parsnips.

The Purity Police: A new paramilitary unit known as the "Runner Beans" will be tasked with weeding out dissenters. Anyone caught with a leather belt or a non-vegan thought will be used as mulch for the Great Cabbage’s private garden.

The "VINE-egar" Mandate: All citizens must be misted with a light vinaigrette every morning to ensure they are "palatable to the state."

When asked for a response to the allegations, a spokesperson for Polanski simply rustled their leaves and demanded more nitrogen.

Image: ulleo - Pixabay

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