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Those Reform policies in full


With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.


  1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

  2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

  3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

  4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

  5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

  6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

  7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

  8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

  9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

  10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

  11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

  12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.


In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.



Hat tip to deskpilot


Image credit: from the NB archive

Games Night at the White House


The Trump team posted a picture of the big orange man baby playing Uno and 'holding all the cards'. As you win at Uno by getting rid of all your cards, this suggests that Donald may play Uno according to his own unique and made-up rules.


But he doesn't just play Uno! He plays lots of games and makes up his own rules to all of them. Here's a quick rundown...


Monopoly - on your first go, the Trump tactic is to borrow everything you need from the Bank of Sevastopol and buy everyone out. You win! For a quicker game, just confiscate all the Monopoly sets until you have a Monopoly monopoly.


Risk - attack everywhere - except Russia and China, obviously - and refuse to accept defeat even after you've obviously lost. When you have nothing left, you win by declaring 'mission accomplished'.


Old Maid - this is the only game where Melania is allowed to win, even though Donald only plays small hands.


Buckeroo - the winner is the person who gets the most things when the horse bucks.


Mousetrap - win the game by demolishing everything on the east side of the board. Donald likes this game because the movements distract everyone and make them think that something useful is happening. It isn't.


Russian roulette - always go last, after everyone else has had a good go at it.


Cowboys and Indians - always choose cowboy and get ICE in to sort out the Indians.


Russian Cluedo - the candlestick and the rope are by Novichok and a window.


Russian Monopoly - played on the London board. The winning player is the one who acquires all the properties.


Chess - Donald plays with very big pieces and his opponents play with small pieces. His king can move wherever it wants. Queens aren't allowed. Bishops must remain silent. Win by jumping over all your opponents pieces and going off in a huff.


Pictionary - You've seen Donald's handwriting. What makes you think he's ever going to play Pictionary? He played once, with Epstein, but his drawing of a woman's body and accompanying message didn't impress.


Obama Llama - to win, set fire to the box and jump up and down on it


Exploding kittens - Donald's favourite game, which he insists on playing with real kittens.


Cluedo - it's always Mr Orange in the Ballroom with an infeasibly large marker pen




All lightbulbs now obsolete



From midnight tonight, all of your lightbulbs are obselete. New, more efficient and greener bulbs will be available from tomorrow.


'It's the circle of light,' said an industry spokesman. 'Once you only had bayonet fittings bulbs in clear or pearl. Then we invented different wattages. Then it was mushroom fittings. Then it all went to cock.


'It was IKEA's fault. They wouldn't do bayonet fittings, so suddenly half your light fittings needed one of those stupid American screw ups. You know, the ones that work their way loose when they get hot.


'Then greedy manufacturers realised that - just like inkjet printers - you're stuck buying the bulbs once you've bought the lamp. So we get golf balls, mini golf balls, SES fittings, halogens, strip lights, GU10's, MR13's and AK47's. No, I made that last one up. Please don't try to order those on line.


'So, all of the old stuff is now redundant. P45's will replace most old bulbs, or failing that a UB40 or an IHT 400 or triple A's. Old light fittings are inefficient, ugly and too big, so the new bulbs will only fit new lights. The changeover will be fine, just like Freeview, decimalisation, DAB radio, Blue-Ray or stamps with barcodes. Boy scouts will be available to help, and they've all had first aid training.


'The government is fully behind the switch over (switch over - geddit?), but recognises that some people may spend some time in the dark. Why not use that time to reflect on how much time you've wasted replacing old things that worked with new things that don't?'



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