top of page
Search

Man breaks single journey world record for sarcastic comments made to other drivers


A Leeds man has broke his own world record for the most sarcastic comments made to other drivers on a single car journey, it has been revealed.


Mike McBride, 42, surpassed his previous mark of 38 remarks made from the safety of the driving seat of his Toyota Prius on a single segment of the A65 from Kirkstall to Leeds, in standing traffic in rush hour, reaching a remarkable 45 sarcastic comments in less than an hour. 


'Conditions were perfect to be honest', reported McBride. 'Crawling traffic, loads of bikes on the road, pedestrians seemingly half asleep everywhere, but you just never know. But after someone pulled out in front of me from a side road and didn't give me the slightest acknowledgment to me, prompting me to shout 'Think nothing of it, pal', I knew the record was on.'


'This was followed immediately by 2 cyclists weaving in between cars - I gave both of them a quick 'Oh, you do own the road, do you, guys, sorry I wasn't sure until now. Let me just make a note in my book here so I can inform the DVLA and the Highways Agency' - and a woman with a pram who pushed it out in front of her right in front of my bonnet - I gave her one of my trademark incredulous shrugs'.  


 'Mr McBride managed an impressive array of sarcastic hand claps and passive-aggressive retorts to other drivers over just a five-mile period', noted Brian Smith, from the Guinness World Records, who accompanied McBride on his journey.


'His rhetorical question to a lorry driver who failed to give him the universally recognised double blink of his hazard lights when McBride let him pull out in front of him ('Is it because by axel weight is less than 7.5 tonnes, you loser') was a thing of beauty', continued Smith.


'It was still a little touch and go at the end', pointed out McBride. 'There was at least a mile where I didn't say anything. Indeed at Kirkstall traffic lights, one young driver with a 'Newly Passed' plate on, thanked me for letting her pull in from a second lane in front of me with a flash of her lights and a little wave in her mirror, bless her heart'. 


'Luckily she stalled as she was moving off though, giving me the opportunity to ask her if she maybe needed to go back to driving school for a few refresher lessons'. 




Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays


"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.


"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.


"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.


"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.


"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."




Dorset threatens to annex 'Wightland'


Tensions are rising along the south coast of England as Dorset prepares to claim the Isle of Wight as its own. Dorset County Council has denied sabre-rattling. However at a packed press conference a council spokesperson stated:-


“The Isle of Wight is vital for our security, and it is blatantly unable to defend itself against hostile actors. We have creditable information (supplied by the West Midlands Police ‘Intelligence’ Department) that the Island – or Wightland as we shall rename it – is under imminent threat from invasion by Hampshire, Sussex, and Kent. We also understand that Rutland is urgently looking for a warm-water port for their navy.


It is not true that we are only interested in the island’s vast mineral wealth. I mean how much chalk do you actually need? However we might be interested in some of the highly valuable rock deposits, although we may have some challenges with the wording in the middle, for example changing Shanklin to Swanage. And we are definitely not interested in the dinosaurs. We have enough of the old codgers who moved to Bournemouth to retire.”


However the spokesperson did admit that the county acquiring more coastline was an attractive proposition. “Sandbanks is one of the most expensive places in the country to live. If we could replicate this on Wightland we could drive council tax takings into the stratosphere. With the obvious benefits for education, social services, and Council Leaders salaries.......”




bottom of page