World Cup: Trump to score winning goal

Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup.  If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game.  The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal.  If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks.

Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is hard enough to get over the goal line.  His trainers told him ‘it’s like golf, but the ball is bigger, and you hit it with your leg’.  His handlers have decided against trying to explain the offside rule, as nothing about the President is ever off.  And rules are, in any case, a flexible concept.  MAGA supporters have secretly donated millions of dollars to pay off the goalie of the other team, to ensure that the President’s shot will hit the back of the net.

The Goal Scorer in Chief as he dubbed himself, is confident he will be the hero of the World Cup.  MAGA members are clearing the way – denying visas to key trainers on opposing teams, making the Iran team do day trips from Mexico, feeding foreign players lots of Bud Lite, that sort of thing.  He is particularly looking forward to awarding himself a winners medal, which will be much bigger and shinier than all the other winners medals.

When asked if he’d prefer to make the winning touchdown at the Superbowl he turned it down. Explaining, ‘The Superbowl is two genuine all-American teams slugging it out in a very American way.  As President, I couldn’t join one American team to play against another.  Not unless one team was from a staunchly Republican state and the opposition were lily-livered Democrats.  I could easier score the winning touchdown, but I wouldn’t want to divide the nation.  Not again.  But I am ready to win the World Cup for the USA.  It will be fair payback for all the effort we’ve put in to shaft the fans on ticket prices, rail fares and bottled water.’

Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.

During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.

Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.

'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.

'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'

'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'

It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.

'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?'