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"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."




A father of two was described as the most shocked individual present during his household’s Christmas celebrations, after watching his children open a series of gifts he had never seen before.


Witnesses say Tom Perry, 42, was visibly surprised as each gift was unwrapped, audibly gasping at items that appeared to align uncannily well with his children’s personalities, interests, and correct clothing sizes.


“Wow,” Perry exclaimed, after one present was opened. “I never knew they liked Lego.”


As a new telescope was unwrapped a few moments later, he gasped, “They’re into astronomy? Since when?”

According to family insiders, Perry had no involvement in selecting, purchasing, or wrapping the gifts for his two sons aged 11 and 13, a process that had been quietly completed by his wife over several months while he remained apparently oblivious to the approach of the festive season.


Witnesses say Perry seemed impressed by the mysterious benefactor behind the gifts, describing them as ‘really thoughtful, if a bit expensive’, and ‘definitely not something I would have thought of’.


“He kept saying things like, ‘I didn’t realise Lego made Harry Potter themed kits’,” said 13-year-old Josh Perry. “Didn’t he already know what we were getting?”


At one point, Perry reportedly stared at a pile of empty wrapping paper for several seconds, expressing disbelief that the children had received everything on their lists, plus several items they hadn’t known they wanted yet.

As the final gift was opened, the bemused Dad leaned back, overcome with pride and confusion. “These kids are incredibly lucky,” he said. “Whoever did Christmas this year really understood the assignment.”


When asked who that someone might be, he paused for several seconds before whispering, “Santa?”


Perry’s wife was unavailable for comment, as she was busy in the kitchen producing a 3 course Christmas lunch for 12 people, as if by magic.




It’s Christmas. And Christmas means round-robin letters from distant relatives that you only hear from once a year. Usually, it’s the correspondence equivalent of watching paint dry – first words, first babies, first offence, first bus driver, first conviction. You know. There’s always a germ of truth, but you always wonder how much.


Anyway, the Slagg family, from Sunderland, have written (or possibly dictated) a round-robin letter that has gone viral because of its brutal honesty. We can’t publish the letter in full, for legal reasons, but here are some extracts:

...Colin got the school prize for the most detentions, and Charlene’s OnlyFans site is going well.  Charlene has nine followers on line, and two followers whenever she leaves the house. Barry’s wrist is still bad after he got his hand stuck in a 2p falls machine at Scarborough. Troy is making home brew gin out of hand sanitiser. There’s loads of it around since Covid, so Troy is cleaning up.  Haha!…


...the cat caught the neighbour's pet rabbit again. That’s the third time since Easter.  And Boris the dog has fathered at least nine litters this year (that we know about).  The neighbours are furious. Well, the ones with dogs are...


...Jezza got cautioned for doing 70mph on the motorway with a grand piano strapped to the roof of his Astra.  Jason’s got himself arrested again, so he can spend Christmas on remand, same as usual.  And we got a fixed penalty notice over the mattresses in the front garden.  We’re hoping the planning people don’t find out about the sun deck we’ve built round the back from old pallets.  We are burning some of the pallets to keep warm, since the electricity company wired our meter back up and put it in a secure box...


...there was no cruise for us this year, but coincidentally Des was cautioned for cruising.  He was upset after finding out that his favourite dogging site is being turned into a Costa drive-thru.  We holidayed in Skegness instead, on that Sun newspaper £9-a-night offer.  Skegness in February wasn’t as warm as we’d hoped…


…still no news about our application to be on Only Connect...



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