Much loved by-election character to be retired

British comedian Jon Harvey is to retire his much loved comic creation. He has fought numerous by-elections in character with limited success, but has achieved worldwide recognition and international fame.

'It is time to hang up my costume,' said the comedian. 'As everyone will know by now, I based the character on Al Murray's pub landlord, and now I'm finally calling time.

'My alter ego, Nigel Farage, has been a widely recognised but divisive character. With his pint glass always in hand, I intended him to be funny and also ridiculous. It's a shame that many people took him seriously. I'm particularly alarmed that Rupert Lowe has positioned himself as a ridiculously extreme version of an already ridiculous character.

Fighting by elections as both Count Binface and Nigel Farage was very difficult for me. It required speedy costume changes and a well organised back up team. But I can't be in two places at once and that's why Nigel couldn't attend the declaration in Clacton. And it's why you didn't see much of Count Binface during the campaign.

So that's why I'm 'putting out the trash,' he concluded. 'And I'm retiring Binface as well.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

God to consider the extra-judicial smiting of Russell Brand, David Walliams

God has categorically denied knowing Russell Brand, despite the thesaurus bothering predator claiming God is with him at all times during his rape trial.

In awe-inducing scenes outside Southwark Crown Court, spokesangel, the Metatron, descended to make a short statement in front of kneeling reporters.

'Behold the Metatron! Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!' said the Metatron. 'When a sparrow falls to the ground, God is there. God knows all the fowls of the mountains and the wild beasts of the land. He has numbered every hair upon your heads. But he highkey rejects any suggestion he knows Russell Brand. And has not clicked like on any of those cringe vids Brand keeps posting claiming they're fam and going to court together.'

'I've read the statements Brand's victims have made,' said the Metatron, before pointing downwards and adding. 'If you want to talk to his bestie, I suggest you try the other chap.'

Disgraced TV personality David Walliams’ attempt to keep his name out of the papers has not been entirely successful, it was revealed today.

Walliams took out an injunction to prevent the papers revealing that he’s the person named in new allegations of sexual impropriety, which he definitely is.

“I would like to state categorically that these allegations are false,” he said today, unconsciously echoing the Little Britain sketches where he played a Tory MP standing at his garden gate doing exactly the same thing. “If the allegations were even about me, which they aren’t.”

Unlike in the sketches, Matt Lucas wasn’t standing beside him grinning inanely, as he knows a lost cause when he sees one.

H/T: eppursimuove

Image: WixAI

Trump demands place on all paint colour charts

'I know they're never going to honour my name after I've left the White House,' Donald Trump told a paintmakers' conference in Dulux, Pennsylvania. 'They'll demolish the Trump ballroom and turn the Trump-Kennedy Centre back into the boring old Kennedy Centre.

'That's why I want you guys to immortalise the name 'Trump' by making it a colour on your paint charts.

'Trump's gotta be bright red, like my ties and my hats,' ranted the President. 'I mean, a really insanely lurid shade of red - somewhere beyond High on Amphetamines Traffic Light red and Red Alert: This Plane Is Going To Crash Dive red.'

'I also want orange like my skin. And white, like my skin. And gold - I love gold. All the gold. So much gold.... And I want black like the void where my heart should be.'

'I guess we had no choice except to go ahead and do what he wanted,' grunted a spokes-brush for the Guild of Servile American Paint and Dyestuff Makers, 20 minutes after Trump's speech. 'He said he'd put huge tariffs on us if we didn't.

'Our only question is, who the hell is going to be deranged enough to decorate their house in MAGA red?'

Latest reports indicate that 77 million completely deranged Trump voters had put in orders for the repugnant new paint.

Image: stux - Pixabay