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Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left


British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. That's due to lengthy queues caused by new border checks.


The long delays getting through passport control have caused some passengers to miss return or connecting flights. Travellers are being advised to use time travel devices such as Star Trek's The Guardian of Forever, or The Atavachron, enable them to prepare for their return long before they depart these shores.


Travel writer for 'The Time Lord' newspaper, Dr Who, suggests people should consider investing in a Time And Relative Dimension In Space device similar to his, although even he has experienced difficulties getting supplies of Artron Energy, Mercury and Zeiton 7 due to the closure of the Strait of Hormuz


Airports said queues were worsening under the Entry Exit System which requires travellers to register fingerprints, give a DNA sample and and fill in a twenty page "How are we doing?" questionnaire.


A Reform party spokesperson said, 'It's all going very well' and suggested that if people were really serious about returning to their home, they should simply consider taking a small boat from Calais, or apply for dual citizenship like Nigel Farage's children.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing.


"The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror.


"That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his place. Look at this stuff he wrote in the Art of the Deal: 'My style of deal-making is very simple. I aim very high, and then I keep pushing and pushing to get what I am after.'


"Tony's the kind of guy we need negotiating with the Iranians," said the source. "He really seems to know what he's talking about - unlike the blundering oaf that we have as a president. He couldn't negotiate his way out of a lavatory cubicle."



The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.


Sonny Rollins played with all the greats, among them Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker, Dizzy ‘Who bent my trumpet?’ Gillespie, and the pop singer Cher with whom he formed the duo Sonny & Cher.


A versatile musician, for a while he went by the name Sonny Liston and became a professional boxer. In 1962 he was the undisputed world heavyweight champion, but he lost the title when he took his instrument into the ring in Las Vegas later that year.


The blues was never far from his repertoire and he performed for a while as Sonny Boy Williamson, adding a pleading harmonica to his tenor sax lines.


Miles Davis described him as a titan of the tenor sax, a leviathan, a behemoth, a [runs to get thesaurus] god of improvisation.


Sonny Rollins was born in Haarlem in the Netherlands, but this was later found to be a typo; he was of course, born in the spiritual home of jazz in Harlem, New York City. For a while he performed with the Harlem Globetrotters and was famously able to score a basket from the opposite end of the court, while playing the changes to I Got Rhythm.


He made numerous visits to the UK and became famous for practising on a pedestrian bridge over the M25, the one just near the Esher turn-off. There may even be flowers, which sounds like a standard the great man would play.


Hat Tip: Deskpilot



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