Sally Rooney novels are now 'crack cocaine for book clubs'

British book clubs have begun passing around Sally Rooney novels in brown paper bags, like illicit hooch. One nember spoke on condition of anonymity 'This book is completely different now that its sale has been banned in the UK. I haven't read it, exactly, but I have read the plot summary on Wikipedia. Don't tell anyone.'

'It's like when they used to dub over Gerry Adams' voice on the news and that is what directly led to peace in Northern Ireland.'

A statement from Benjamin Netanyahu's office said 'Normal People? Normalising antisemitism more like. Everyone who has read a Sally Rooney novel or seen a film adaptation is denying the right of Israel to exist. When say the right of Israel, I mean the far right.'

'Israel is also preemptively banning any Wayne Rooney novels, just to be on the safe side.'

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Image: ChatGPT

Trump hires saluki as new White House press secretary

"The President is delighted to announce that he has appointed a golden-haired saluki as his new press secretary, in place of Katie Zacharia," said a White House kennel maid.

"The saluki, chosen at random from Four Legged Friends of Earscratch, Virginia, has all the qualities Mr Trump is looking for.

"She is blonde, doesn't mind being stroked, clams up when asked questions, has zero legal qualifications and can run like hell out of the press room when things get tough.

"The saluki also exhibits dog-like degrees of loyalty and devotion, is dumb enough to support Trump's policies without realising how criminal and stupid they are and, like the President himself, she is completely barking.

"And even if the saluki lasts only a single day in the post it'll be longer than Zacaharia lasted - when measured in dog years."

image by Grok

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Defecating bears criticise undercover ITV team

Bears have reacted angrily to ITV’s undercover filming which apparently shows prominent members of the community shitting in the woods.

‘We were misled’, one bear said. ‘We thought they shared our interest in woodland activities. They were dressed in bear suits and convinced us they were bears, too. I feel dirty’.

The programme, due to air on Sunday evening, has divided the nation. Jerry (36) from Grimsby says: ‘I think we always knew what they did in those places. You just have to go to any woodland area, it’s obvious’. Frank (53) from Coventry disagrees: ‘Come on, we all do it. The metropolitan elite like to pretend they don’t, but we all know how dirty they really are. It’s natural.’

The leader of the bear community, known only as ‘Nigel’, has been uncharacteristically quiet all week. He typically holds a press conference twice a day, but has been absent since the early footage of members squeezing out a length, leading to speculation that his own filthy hole might have been caught on camera.

ITV refused to comment, though insiders are said to be excited about footage emerging from the Vatican City.

image by Grok

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