Harry, Meghan and Andrew star in new visitor attraction, Brassic World

In a move that has left Buckingham Palace reeling, Harry and Meghan are teaming up with Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to launch 'Brassic World', a theme park billed as the ultimate destination for fans of fallen royals.

Inspired by Jurassic World, the attraction will feature carefully contained specimens of disgraced blue bloods, allowed to roam freely in purpose-built habitats.

Visitors can board the 'Exile Express' monorail for a close-up view of Harry and Meghan’s California compound exhibit, complete with Netflix cameras and a live 'Oprah Exclusive' amphitheatre where the animatronic host invites our sympathy with their unfortunate plight of being confined to palaces and red carpet events while wearing fine clothes.

Andrew’s wing promises the 'Pizza Express Alibi Safari', a jungle trek past replica Epstein Island water features and including a thrilling 'Title Stripping Rapids' ride.

The theme park is funded by investors from the failed FIFA World Cup privatisation bid. An early press release claims the venture will 'democratise the monarchy by letting the public gawk at those who fell from The Firm's grace'. However, one critic warned, 'Man shouldn't mess with Royal nature. There's always the risk of escape of a sudden memoir.'

Set near Legoland Windsor (just to rub William and Kate's noses in it), visitors are asked not to feed the exhibits or enquire about security costs.

Image credit: ChatGPT. Looks like Andrew's had some work done.

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Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’

The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels.

However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms.

'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere where they can be woken at 2am by a complete stranger who’s been given a key to their room,' said charity spokesman Steve Wilkes, who then added, 'They’d be safer on the streets.'

The Government has defended its proposal, insisting that homeless people would be offered 'a warm room with a bed, a tiny kettle, and a self-service breakfast'.

'We think it’s a reasonable offer,' said Burnham.

However, when asked if he would personally sleep in a Travelodge room where a stranger could potentially walk in, Burnham reportedly paused for several seconds before saying, 'Let’s move on.'

One charity has suggested that homeless people could be allowed to sleep in the corridors of the House of Commons, but some MPs were concerned that they would have access to the on-site gym, social club and subsidised bars and restaurants. One MP warned that allowing homeless people into the Commons could set a dangerous precedent: 'Before you know it, they’ll be claiming expenses, taking long lunches and falling asleep during debates.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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Forest fires boosted Hampshire economy by £12m

Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy.

'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit is around £12m. That's impressive, as businesses had little time to source commemorative t-shirts or packs of Original Hand Made Hampshire Forest Fire Fudge.'

'Of course, we're not suggesting that we should repeat the fires any time soon. It's difficult to market wildfires as a tourist attraction without seeming ghoulish. Having said that, £12m is a significant boost to local businesses, and times are hard...

Image credit: perchance.org

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