Trump to clear Strait of Hormuz with his mouth

Donald Trump will personally clear the Strait of Hormuz using only his enormous mouth, White House sources have confirmed today. The mouth, believed to be one of the largest natural phenomena in the western hemisphere, will swallow the Iranian navy and revolutionary guard bases whole, while he simultaneously refills the troubled sea lane with salty crocodile tears for the victims of US missiles.

'I don't need any help' clarified the President on social media, in a follow up to his previous message 'help me you bastards'. 'My mouth is bigger than Iran. You can see it from space, that's why we sent Artemis up, to check, and the crew tell me it's true, they're good people.

'It's big enough to fit Bill Clinton's sax. And loads of his jazz.'

UK government spokespeople have hurried to confirm that the Royal Navy will not be involved in Mr Trump's operation, due to the danger of billions of gallons of his corrosive spittle and bile corroding warships that have only just been painted and waxed. That, and the risk of being crushed by his foot, which is sure to soon follow wherever his mouth goes.

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Nigel Farage Under Investigation For Sheep Worrying

KENT — Police have confirmed they are investigating multiple reports of 'aggravated livestock worrying' in the Romney Marsh area, following claims that local flocks have been subjected to 'prolonged and distressing geopolitical rhetoric.'

Detective Inspector Woolley of the Kent Rural Crimes Division stated that the investigation is not focused on the traditional threat of domestic dogs, but rather on 'unauthorized rhetorical trespassing.'

'We are seeing a disturbing spike in ruminant anxiety,' said DI Woolley. 'The sheep aren't being chased; they’re being briefed. We’ve had reports of a man in a Barbour jacket standing at the edge of the paddock and reciting manifesto pledges about 'net-negative migration' until the entire flock is too terrified to chew their cud.'

The investigation took a dramatic turn this week when a whistleblower from within the Romney Marsh flock came forward to speak with investigators on the condition of anonymity. Bessie, a high-yield Romney ewe who identifies as 'multi-national,' expressed grave concerns about Reform UK’s flagship migration policies.

'He keeps shouting about 'Stopping the Boats,' but has he considered the logistics for the livestock?' bleated Bessie from behind a secure hay bale. 'I sailed here from New Zealand on a perfectly legitimate cargo vessel for a better life in a Kentish meadow. If he turns the boats around, what happens to us? Am I going to be towed back to Auckland in a rubber dinghy just because I have a foreign ear-tag? It’s a long journey, the hay is terrible, and it's awfully expensive to sail back to New Zealand on a private charter.'

Our investigation has uncovered deeper fears regarding Reform’s ‘One In, One Out’ policy. Local Texel rams—originally of Dutch origin—and French Charollais ewes report feeling 'increasingly unwelcome' in a pasture that is being prepared for a 'British Sheep for British Plates' future.

'It’s pure ovine-purity politics,' Bessie continued. 'Last Tuesday, he pointed at a Dutch Texel and then toward the horizon at Dungeness. He’s looking for ‘irregular’ livestock to make an example of. He wants to vet the herd based on their wool-density and their heritage. If you weren't born in a specific Kentish ditch, he doesn't think you deserve the grass.'

We contacted the British Animal Association (BAA) to see if they would be taking legal action to protect the diverse genetics of the British flock from this 'hostile environment' policy.

A spokesperson for the BAA said: 'Moo.'

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Trump made chief of the Ramblers

'So, um, where was I?' said a spokes-blitherer for the Ramblers.

'Oh, yes. That's it. We've inducted the President of the United States into the Ramblers and promoted him immediately to being our chief.

'That's because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.

'For most of us club members, rambling is a weekend hobby - a break from our working lives in which we have to speak briefly and to the purpose.

'President Trump, on the other hand, is spending every day now going on long digressions during important meetings, ranging over acres and acres of irrelevant subject matter for hours on end before reaching any point.

'And Mr Trump's proclivity to ramble is clearly increasing by the week as he slips ever deeper into senile dementia.'

Trump takes the top rambling spot from Boris Johnson, who was told of his demotion while talking to business executives about Peppa Pig World.

At press time, Donald Trump was into the sixth hour of an acceptance speech to fellow ramblers in the Oval Office and had already covered such topics as Sharpies, TV comedians he wanted to imprison, the best Taco Bell restaurants in southern Florida and his top ten pairs of breasts on 1980s soap opera actresses.

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