Boris Johnson offers to oversee UK's response to hantavirus

By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante

Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once more.'

Johnson's handling of the previous Covid-19 pandemic, while criticised in a recent report, has been described by the Daily Mail as 'exceptional' and by the BBC as 'world-beating'. His actions are believed by his supporters to have saved 'lives beyond count'.

'When the going gets tough, we need BoJo to get going,' said former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries in Southampton, upon her return from a cruise in the Canary Islands.

Baroness Dido Harding also announced her availability to serve in Johnson's national unity government, volunteering to launch a new Test & Trace application at only half the cost of the previous iteration. 'We have come a long way,' she said in a statement, 'and we have learnt from past mistakes, not that any were made.'

Separate reports indicated that Baroness Michelle Mone's new company, Med Resilience Ltd., stands ready to 'meet the nation's PPE needs again'.

Authgor: Dante

Image credit: perchance.org

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'

A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

Image credit: NB archive

Those Reform policies in full

With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.

1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.

In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: from the NB archive