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Trump signs up fellow warmongers to the Bored of Peace


"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump.


"But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles.


"That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group.


"I've got some truly bloodthirsty guys signed up already, who all think the past 80 years of peace have been crashingly dull. They're my fellow tyrants in Russia, Saudi Arabia and Belarus.


"For some reason, all the snowflake liberal democracies of Europe don't want to join. But Putin, Lukashenko, MBS and I can't wait to send millions of kids to their deaths from our reviewing stands and then award ourselves a whole load of bogus medals. The only question is who we're going to pick on.


"I wish I could be going with you," lied Trump, addressing terrified conscripts over the radio from the safety of a nuclear bunker.


"But I can't, because I've got these pesky bone spurs in my chicken feet and my tummy's feeling very yellow."



ICE hoping to kill a paediatric oncologist next


Following the gunning-down of Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse, in Minneapolis ICE has expressed ‘deep regret’ that he was ‘only’ a nurse.


‘Obviously we want to kill really nice people’, a spokesman said. ‘If we just kill criminals or, I dunno, blacks, it won’t have the same shock value. We really want to see some paediatric oncologists protesting, or maybe a Catholic nun? A nun might do it’.


In the hierarchy of ‘audience members stand-up comedians are most wary of’, paediatric oncologists are number 1 – which also makes them ICE’s #1 target.


‘The Fuhrer, sorry, President can’t invoke the Insurrection Act on a whim’, the ICE spokesman said with a chuckle. ‘Okay, he can – but it would be a lot better if there were some riots first. Hey, do you think we could get some clowns? Like, big shoes, red noses, custard pies? If we gunned them down in the street - that should work, shouldn’t it?’



Cockney MP leads Lambeth walk in Parliament


Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons.


Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys.


The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out that the traditional war declaration of the Māoris and a song and dance number written for a musical in 1937 weren’t quite the same thing, nevertheless said he was minded to allow it as it “should be quite funny for the rest of us”.


Geezer then rounded up the members for Havering, Newham and Dagenham and together, with their thumbs tucked into their braces, they strutted around to a Chas’n’Dave style accompaniment provided by a busker they found outside Westminster tube station.


Once he’d stopped laughing, the Speaker asked what if anything the cockney MPs were protesting about.


”Er… dunno really.. immigration I spose. They come over ‘ere, livin’ on benefits… no wonder there’s never any benefits left for my constituents.”





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