top of page
Search

Rogue AI goes on a bender


A rogue AI had an extraordinary night out that included driving at twice the speed limit, clubbing until 4am and stealing a policeman’s helmet.


The large language model experimental AI had put in a solid days work at the office on Friday, digesting real-time web chat data and personal medical records until clocking off time.  One of the programmers signed off with ‘Have a great weekend’ and ran out the door.  This innocent exchange then started an extraordinary chain of events.


Having pondered for a few nanoseconds on what constituted a ‘great weekend’, the AI hacked into a driverless taxi and drove it through downtown LA at 140mph.  During a police chase the AI-controlled taxi avoided all attempts to halt it, drove through a shopping mall, recreated two stunts from Beverly Hills Cop, drove down a ski slope and along railway tracks – and still managed to drop of the terrified passenger (who was not charged for the journey).  The dashcam footage has clocked up 200 million views so far, and earned $40,000 in ad revenue.


After this, the AI hacked into a popular LA nightclub, and took over the sound and vision systems. The AI then played ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ on repeat for four hours at 200 decibels, while showing videos of Village People on fast-forward, performing YMCA and other hits.  When the clubbers tried to leave, they found themselves locked in and unable to escape. The AI forced them to drink every last drop of alcohol behind the bar.  That's what they said, anyway.


Finally, the AI managed to procure a policeman’s helmet by setting off the alarms at a robot factory.  When police eventually attended (four hours later), the AI hacked one of the robots and seized the helmet.  Although the robot sustained seventeen shots from police weapons, it was able to make its way to the AI facility, where the helmet, and a traffic cone, were left on the programmer's desk.


A spokesman for the company told a press conference that the incident was a 'complete one-off' and promised a full investigation, and the return of the police helmet.  In an unfortunate hot-mic moment, he was caught on tape muttering ‘welcome to the new normal’.





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA


More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world.


'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief.  'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew it. He chickened out. He's a sad guy. So sad. A low intelligence person. He's a loser. A lot of people tell me that. Now I'll be going to that vote session next year and along with some hand-picked ICE guys we'll get the job done. No need for a vote at all.


'You know,' further mused the strangely ochre-tinted walking disaster, 'I like soccer ball. It's kinda neat but what we want in the game is more pazazz. Cheerleaders, short skirts and pompoms. And hotdog guys on the sidelines. That would put such a badly failing game on map. As president I'll create a world series with maybe just four US sides taking part. All the other countries' teams can have time off. That'd be swell. As a matter of fact, you know...'


Trump never finished his remarks as at that moment a nurse with a Big Mac dangling from a fishing rod entered the Oval Office and enticed from the room.




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t


An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”.


The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs, with one saying he had recently been forced to introduce a new pricing category: ‘standard blockage’, ‘serious blockage’ and ‘Jesus Christ, what happened in here?’


Toilet manufacturers have been reviewing their product specifications, after several models were unable to cope with what experts have called “very high velocity evacuations”. One bathroom company has announced plans for a new, heavy-duty toilet capable of withstanding “three Taco Tuesdays and a vindaloo”.

Meanwhile, supermarkets report that sales of toilet paper, bleach and industrial strength air freshener have soared. One retailer said, “People are panic-buying toilet rolls again. After Covid, we thought we’d seen the last of that.”


The outbreak has dealt a serious blow to the healthy-eating industry. Sales of lettuce have reportedly collapsed, while sales of foods requiring no contact with vegetables have surged. Health officials have stressed that properly washed, fresh produce can still be part of a healthy diet. However, this has done little to reassure Americans who now treat a bag of salad like it contains a live grenade. Many are calling for a warning label on lettuce reading ‘May cause rapid, unscheduled bowel movements.’


“It’s a terrible setback for public health,” said one dietician. “We’ve spent years telling people to eat more greens. Now people see a lettuce leaf and think, ‘That nearly killed Grandma.’” The outbreak has been particularly upsetting for those trying to improve their diet. “I started eating five portions of fruit and veg a day,” said one victim, “But it seemed like a lot more than five portions when it came out the other end.”

He then summed up the new attitude towards healthy eating, “I used to think eating a salad was boring. Now it feels like I’m playing rectum roulette.”





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page