Everything in the USA to be renamed after Trump

After successfully renaming The Kennedy Center the Trump-Kennedy Center, in a fit of ego, President Trump has decided to name everything in USA after himself.

"He's going to start with things he likes, the Trump-McDonalds-Big-Mac and Trump-Diet-Coke and see how it goes from there," said a Whitehouse Spokesman.

The White House is expected to be renamed "The Trump House" from early January, with Washington DC expected to become "Trumpington DC" by February.

When questioned about this, a Trump aide told us, "The president feels that everything should be named in honour of how great he is and how well he is doing, being the best president ever. Obviously." 

"Not everything will be named in his honour, though. Things he doesn't like will be named after some of his predecessors. For example, illegal immigrants will henceforth be called "Obamas", Stormy Daniels is to be referred to as "Stormy Clinton" and the nasty bits in the bottom of a popcorn bucket, which didn't pop correctly, will now be named "Biden bits".

Interestingly, the thing which should be named after him, sexually abusing and defaming journalist E Jean Carroll, will continue to be called "Fake News".

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Reindeer demand parity with Elves

Santa is tightening his belt after checking his pay slip, twice, and finding his salary has not risen. His per hour rate is the same as last Christmas, a mince pie and a glass of whisky.

Elves, on the other hand, but have seen a slight bump in average pay compared to last year with twice much being provided in the four main food groups, candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup .

A spokesdeer for the Union of Santa's Distributor and Reindeer (USDAR), Red Rudolf, admitted piles oats are spread in the gardens to attract and reward them, but these has been (literally) frozen for years.

He added, "We are expected to fly o'er the housetops with a, very difficult to manoeuvre, sleigh full of toys. I myself have the added responsibility of guiding the team, even on a foggy Christmas Eve. As the leader of the team, and elected representative of the transport workers, Santa's response is to just whistle and shout at me. All the other reindeer laugh and call me names. I am asking for a little more recognition and commensurate compensation for our hard work, a little less stick, and a bit more carrot!"

image from pixabay

Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry

The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference.

'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation.  We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we might even look at your copies too, and we'll identify who is most likely to be compromised,' he added.  'We can complete that part of the enquiry by six pm, if that helps,' he noted.

Senior current and former British politicians including Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have welcomed the enquiry and urged the government to hand over the job to Russia.  'We know the Russians well,' said spokespeople for both politicians.  'Very well, indeed.'

image from pixabay