Disappointed your MP isn't named in the Epstein Files?

Don't worry, there's still three million emails, photos, snuff movies and unused rushes from the Melania movie to be released yet.  And don't forget, most of the files released have swathes redacted, so your MP might feature in there already.  There's only 650 or so MPs at any given time, so plenty of opportunity for them to star more than once, probably not as often as Nige, though.  Mandy might look like a rank amateur by the time it's all finished.

What is to say your immediate or distant family don't feature in the unreleased bits?  That creepy uncle from Swansea, got to be a good chance.  Your cousin who disappeared while on holiday fifteen years ago - hate to be the bearer, but you can't rule it out.  But notoriety all the same, eh? Unless there's something you want to get off your chest - before the next release!

Ultimately it's probably best for the entire House of Commons to resign today.  House of Lords as well, obviously.  The Royal Family should really look at packing their bags and heading to the job centre.  Or the Maldives, whichever appeals the most.  And while they're at it, shouldn't you hang your head in shame, just in case?

image from pixabay

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire.

Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks.  But the savings did not stack up.  To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st.

‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ said the Member for Environment and Planning, Ophelia Payne.  ‘All households can do better at recycling and this will reduce the need for people to send waste to landfill.  We know that nobody can properly separate the cardboard and the plastic from sandwich boxes, but we are asking everyone to try harder.

‘Landfill waste will not smell if householders ensure that food waste is handled correctly.  Vacuum cleaner dust does not fly around if you bag it properly.  And most modern mattresses can be successfully composted at home.

‘If anyone thinks that they can’t manage on an annual collection, then we recommend storing landfill waste in a pit in your garden.  If you manage this correctly, then it will be easy to dig up and put it out for the annual collection – although we must point out that the size of the landfill waste bin will remain at 10 litres.  It’s a small sacrifice, and it’s one that the planet will thank you for.

West Moorland District Council’s council tax charge is expected to rise by 17% for 2026/27.  This is mainly due to losses on investments, interest charges, and councillors’ expenses.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Mandelson told vetting team he was mates with Einstein

Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?'

A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded.

'It started off by him telling us his name was Mendelssohn. One of the interns Googled that and found he was a German composer, so he quickly changed his tune and produced a Senior Railcard.'

On the railcard was a photograph of Nelson Mandela.

“He said yes, that was him – Nelson Mandelason. We felt that was plausible and ticked the box marked ‘Identity: Verified’.”

The team then questioned Mandelason about his alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein.

'He said he’d never heard of Epstein, but he was on very good terms with Einstein. He once stayed at Einstein’s house to discuss the theory of relativity.”

Despite Einstein having died in 1955, the claim was accepted.

'Mr Mandelason explained that time is relative,' said the investigator. 'Since Einstein invented time, that basically checks out.'

On the strength of this evidence, Mandelson was immediately approved as UK Ambassador to the USA and, for reasons still unclear, appointed Brand Leader for the M&S menswear department.

A government spokesperson defended the process, saying, 'We followed rigorous procedures, including writing things down in a very official notebook.'

Image credit: Wix AI