top of page
Search

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing.


"The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror.


"That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his place. Look at this stuff he wrote in the Art of the Deal: 'My style of deal-making is very simple. I aim very high, and then I keep pushing and pushing to get what I am after.'


"Tony's the kind of guy we need negotiating with the Iranians," said the source. "He really seems to know what he's talking about - unlike the blundering oaf that we have as a president. He couldn't negotiate his way out of a lavatory cubicle."



The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.


Sonny Rollins played with all the greats, among them Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker, Dizzy ‘Who bent my trumpet?’ Gillespie, and the pop singer Cher with whom he formed the duo Sonny & Cher.


A versatile musician, for a while he went by the name Sonny Liston and became a professional boxer. In 1962 he was the undisputed world heavyweight champion, but he lost the title when he took his instrument into the ring in Las Vegas later that year.


The blues was never far from his repertoire and he performed for a while as Sonny Boy Williamson, adding a pleading harmonica to his tenor sax lines.


Miles Davis described him as a titan of the tenor sax, a leviathan, a behemoth, a [runs to get thesaurus] god of improvisation.


Sonny Rollins was born in Haarlem in the Netherlands, but this was later found to be a typo; he was of course, born in the spiritual home of jazz in Harlem, New York City. For a while he performed with the Harlem Globetrotters and was famously able to score a basket from the opposite end of the court, while playing the changes to I Got Rhythm.


He made numerous visits to the UK and became famous for practising on a pedestrian bridge over the M25, the one just near the Esher turn-off. There may even be flowers, which sounds like a standard the great man would play.


Hat Tip: Deskpilot



CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out.


“It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it. I mean, a house price has only tripled in the last 25 years. Like, it’s an essential product to live in which is currently insanely expensive, where can you make money from that?”


David, whose base salary of £857,000 would barely get him a six-bedroom house in some grubby part of Yorkshire (once a year), said that there needs to be some sort of incentive to building companies. He feels unmotivated and rejected by the government.


He also said (after receiving a measly £1,413,000 bonus) that the due to low wages not keeping up with inflation, first time buyers, like his employees, are struggling to buy things that his company makes and the government really should be sorting this out.


David paused to allow a picture to be taken of him looking sad in front of a deserted building site.

“I have 17 years of experience in this game, and I am completely lost on what to do. The government really should do something about it.”


If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story please call our special Fatcat Helpline where trained operatives will listen to you moaning about the Government without sniggering.



bottom of page