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"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"


The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government.


"Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries.


"Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in two years' time. That's our style! With us, he could have said 300 years. It would take us that long to load a musket.


"Keir is the perfect sloth leader, happy to do nothing more dynamic in his life than to read official papers very deliberately and hold everlasting meetings at which damn all is decided.


"His talent for total inaction is wasted on the citizens of the UK and it's only a matter of time before he sees sense and joins us here at our Amazonian Jungle branch, 100 feet above the ground in Mato Grosso."




Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer


The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting.


Both parties refused to sit at the same table, instead conducting negotiations via passive-aggressive memes. Burnham escalated tension by unveiling a 47-page document entitled Why I hate Starmer, consisting largely of annotated WhatsApp timestamps. Trump is reluctant to give his support to either side, while JD Vance is said to favour Wes Streeting—as a comic interlude.


The President issued a stern warning about dangerous rhetorical escalation, which both men interpreted as tacit support for using the "C" word. As he convened an emergency summit; both men agree not to refer to each other as "the bland one" for a period of 24 hours. Talks nearly succeeded when both agree on a shared dislike of Trump’s mediation style, but collapsed again when they argue over who wanted to be his poodle more.





‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin


A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives.


‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’.


Master race enthusiasts have launched a recruitment drive to attract members with jobs and teeth, preferably family men who don’t need to dress up as Spider-man because their kids have been taken away. It isn’t going well.


‘There’s a lot of competition’, the spokesman said. ‘The happy ones don’t feel the need to show the world how superior they are, and as for the disillusioned, the embittered, life’s failures – well, the ones who can write go to PE Teacher Training College. That leaves us with – you can see what it leaves us with. A good bunch of lads, ready for a ruck, but not exactly PE teacher material’.


Are you a member of the Master Race? Are you inexplicably free during the working day? Well-balanced and psychologically stable yet enjoy throwing bins at police officers? Maybe you could volunteer at a far-right party in your neighbourhood. PE teachers and other woke intellectuals need not apply.









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