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Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump


The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump.


Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No one has done so much for stop motion animation as he has. The shield will be awarded by Trumpton's highest military figure, Captain Flack, during a glitzy ceremony to be held at the bandstand on February 5th.


Details are as yet unconfirmed, but it's understood as part of the celebrations there will be a fire fighters' drive past with Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb all aboard their gleaming red fire engine with its bell ringing out loud and clear. 


On hearing the news President Trump told reporters, 'This is a real smart move by the Mayor's office. The smartest. People are telling me that because everyone knows I deserve it. Nobody has done as much for Tumptonshire as I have. Can anybody deny it?"


When there was no response from the assembled hacks, Trump busted out several classic robot dance moves then continued. 'That's right. Even Brian can't.'


It’s one all in ICE verses CBP in the worst possible contest


Both teams are hoping to finish top in the Homeland Security competition. The Customs and Border Protection are the underdogs and the lesser known of the two. They just equalised in dramatic fashion with a scrappy group effort that was completely undeserved. It looked fairly chaotic and many shots were made, mostly on target at close range. There was initially a misunderstanding over social media if ICE had got another one, but it was clarified that this time it was the Border Protection lot.


The Immigration and Customs Enforcement had been dominating and had got one earlier through what appeared to be an unnecessary error. Video reviews clearly show it should not have been allowed, but officials stood by their decision. ICE took advantage of the general confusion and slotted it away and were unrepentant over the controversy.


CBP have just substituted their main man, who was talking a big game but seemed to be out of his depth. The CBP maybe finding it difficult not being at home and have been finding the conditions difficult.


ICE has recently hired some new talent, passionate and aggressive, but generally unskilled and not acting very professional at all. Their poor training shows and this may lead to concern from all but the most passionate of their supporters.


Injuries have plagued this confrontation, and ICE will continue with their aggressive attacking style, which will no doubt end up with more people getting hurt. We can expect more incidents, and it does look like the CBP will respond in the same way.


Overall, it is a poor effort by both teams so far with nothing for the neutral observer to be proud of.


It would be interesting to see how either of these would handle Europe, going up against a professional lot like The Hague.


Image: Copilot




Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop


Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway.


‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Robert Jenrick. Plus the Childcatcher only imprisoned children, he didn’t paint over their cartoons.


‘Jonathan Gullis will be dressed in a monocle and mortar board to boost his perceived IQ into double figures. If we can tempt him off the tyre swing we should be okay. Nigel hasn’t bought a disguise for Nadine Dorries but he’s keeping her off the booze for a week – she’ll be unrecognisable’.


Danny Kruger will be dressed as Freddy Kreuger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The malevolent spirit who invades dreams and gives children nightmares is understood to be thrilled to be joining Reform.


The plan is to present Reform as some kind of underground movement of rebels – like the A Team but probably without Mr T – rather than a selection of reanimated corpses dug up from unconsecrated ground, also known as Tories.


Nigel Farage is playing his part by permanently holding a fake pint of beer so the voters forget he’s a public school-educated millionaire. It’s a deliberately pisspoor disguise, only capable of fooling registered morons. Luckily for Nigel, they each have a vote.




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