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In one of the cruellest examples of public exploitation a 79 year old man’s cognitive decline has been broadcast worldwide despite obvious signs that his mind is wandering.


'It’s human interest TV’, one exec told NewsBiscuit. ‘We need to take dementia out of the closet and show the world what to watch out for. When we started this series, Don was mildly impaired. As time has gone on his condition has inevitably worsened. It’s a cruel disease but makes compelling TV. The ratings are out of this world’.


Don’s children fiercely defend the decision to put him on national television. ‘He always loved the limelight’, one told us. ‘He used to have his own TV show. Yes, really. Hard to believe but this drooling imbecile used to have real clout’.


The TV stations give Don hours of airtime which he spends rambling about the ocean - sharks eating plastic straws, windmills making whales crazy, the benefits of electrocution at sea compared with shark attacks. He also insults foreigners, egged on by a group of carers who sometimes join in – and fantasises about winning a Nobel Prize. In one episode he was handed a phony ‘Peace Prize’ which he proudly displayed, looking increasingly like a Father Jack tribute act.


The last word should go to Don himself, while he still has speech: ‘I look at London where they have a terrible Mayor. Terrible, terrible Mayor. And it’s been so changed. So changed. Now they want to go to Sharia law. I guess they want to kill all the cows. We have a border, strong. And we have a shape. And that shape doesn’t just go straight up. That shape is amorphous, when it comes to the atmosphere’.


Wise words



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The Reform Party now has more members than the Conservatives.  This is probably because Reform is dirt cheap to join.  A grubby twenty-five quid in used notes will get you in (ten quid for concessions) and you get a free flag.  And if you can't afford the fee, then Aaron Banks will probably pay it for you.  Anything to get the numbers up.


Labour charges an impressive £70.50 a year, because party membership fees aren’t included in the ONS inflation calculations, and because ‘We’re Worth It’.  Psychologists say that a high price sends a signal that the product is high quality.  Voters says that psychologists don’t know what they’re on about.  Do you remember that old bargain offer of Labour membership for three quid?  Long gone, just like Ed Miliband.


Plaid Cymru, the Greens, and Your Party (name correct at time of publication) all charge £60.  Plaid Cymru offers a bargain rate for £2 a year, if you are under 18, or a sheep, and you get a My First Party app for your smartphone. You may also need to be Welsh. That wasn’t clear.  Plaid is a good party to join if you have a burning desire to get into politics.


The Lib Dems charge £50 – remember them?  For just £50 you can enjoy watching 72 MPs punching well below their weight.  Do the Lib Dems get fourteen times the publicity that Reform gets with 5 MPs?  Nope.


You can join the Conservatives for £39 a year.  Cash payments are encouraged; euros not accepted.  If you are unwaged, then the annual fee rises to £78.  Despite the bargain-basement price, membership numbers continue to plummet faster than lemmings off a cliff.  The Tories have haemorrhaged members after the shame of the Brexit, Boris and Liz Truss debacles, and disastrous election results, and disastrous policies.  If you can afford to pay a bit more - an extra million or so - then you can play an active role in setting party policies.


Finally, the SNP charge a bargain-basement annual fee of £12, inadvertently reinforcing an unacceptable racial stereotype.  Membership includes free motorhome insurance.  Do the SNP’s 9 MPs get twice the publicity that Reform gets?  Nay.


Anyway, times is hard. The New Year is always a good time to review subscriptions that you don’t use.  Magazines, gym subscriptions, streaming services, and, yes, political parties, too.  

Maybe Poundland should start a political party. Then we’d all be quids in...



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More files have been dropped regarding Tracy Island. For many years the Tracy family had used the cover of International Rescue to engage in trafficking of underage people to Tracy Island.


The British socialite Lady Penelope, now serving a prison sentence in a US federal jail, ‘recruited’ individuals, promising an exciting time meeting glamorous people on the island. These included the Tracy men, who engaged in exciting rescue operations across the globe.


People were trafficked on Thunderbird 2, which could carry a large ‘party’ of people at a time. Virgil Tracy denies any wrongdoing.


The logistics were handled by ‘Brains’, who hid his rapacious sexual appetites under the demeanour of a bashful, stuttering egghead.


The head of the Family, Jeff Tracy, is said to have killed himself whilst under investigation, but the circumstances of his death are still unclear.


We await further revelations, hopefully revealing the names of the rich and powerful of the world of politics and showbiz, without redactions.


image from google gemini

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