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The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won

At Custer's Last Stand, General Custer was totally surrounded. Surrounded like you'd never believe. He still could have won if he had been me - a very stable military genius. But he was a total loser and a libtard traitor for being defeated by the Sioux and he deserved to die.


Personally, I would have Sioux-ed them for all they were worth.


I could have won the Vietnam War but they didn't let me serve. I would have become a totally victorious general, but they said to me: "Sir, Sir, you have to stay at home with the 101st Bonespur Standbacks and not die in the jungle because America needs you to stay alive and start a load of failing businesses like Atlantic City casinos and Trump Airlines and repeatedly go bankrupt."


Otherwise, we would have won bigly in Vietnam like you'd never believe.


In the Second Gulf War we won so quickly that you'd never believe it and President Bush Junior - who was so smart and not dumb at all - landed on an aircraft carrier and announced: "Mission Accomplished".


But then we started losing, and that's because he didn't say often enough that we had won - unlike me, who's said it an incredible 37 times during my excursion to Iran.


That's why he lost in Iraq and why I'm winning more and more in Iran. You only win if you keep on saying you've won and call everything different fake news.


And all that's true, folks. It's so true that you'd never believe it.



High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.


'Our customers have made it clear that they find traditional banking too slow and digital banking too functional,' said a spokesperson for the British Bankers' Association. 'By moving our operations onto the astral plane, we can provide a service that is both deeply personal and entirely unavoidable.'


The new system, dubbed 'Third Eye Finance', involves a circle of vetted mediums based in a darkened basement in Swindon. These 'Intuitive Account Managers' monitor the cosmic vibrations of customers to identify spending needs before the customer even feels the urge to tap a card.


'We sensed that one customer in Leicester was about to enter a period of profound emotional emptiness,' explained a Lead Oracle. 'Rather than waiting for him to waste money on a gym membership he wouldn't use, we took the initiative and debited his account £400 for a vintage taxidermy badger and sixteen crates of artisanal gin. He hasn't thanked us yet, but we know he will in 2029.'


Critics have pointed out that 'Psychic Spending' seems to result in most accounts being emptied within minutes of payday. However, the industry has dismissed these concerns as 'negative energy' and 'a failure to manifest abundance'.


'The old system of "speaking to a human" was outdated,' the spokesperson continued. 'Under the new model, if you have a query, you simply light a sandalwood candle and wait for a sign. It’s exactly like our current telephone banking, only the hold music is the sound of a distant tibetan singing bowl and there’s a 40% higher chance of actually getting through.'


scottfutile




Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran


US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials.


Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital.


Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a problem with the plumbing aboard the $93 billion rocket saying they thought the big barrel under the bathroom sink marked with a skull & crossbones was just toilet duck for flushing the S bend and were horrified to find out it was in fact a bomb intended to flush out the supreme leader in Tehran.


Trump was bemused at criticism over his comments saying he thought everyone outside of the NASA bubble was in on the ruse.


‘Come on…..a Canadian, a woman, a man of colour and someone from a Democrat voting state…..did you really think the rocket was sent into orbit so that a bunch of losers could fly around the moon just to take selfies of the earth….give me a break you pussy’.


image by Grok

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