Mattel admits “Press Secretary Barbie” not a success

Toy maker Mattel admitted today that Press Secretary Barbie, the latest iteration in its long running series of plastic blonde dolls, hasn’t been entirely successful.

“The main problem was making it talk,” explained a company spokesman who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve found that even when we restrict it to empty MAGA platitudes, it can only go 14 minutes before it starts repeating itself and has to be carried offstage.

“After that press conference, we were expecting an angry phone call from the White House. But they’re basically pretty happy with it. If they have a problem, it’s that Trump is so obviously leering at it the whole time, even his base is starting to feel queasy.

“I don’t understand how he can be attracted to something so obviously plastic and fake… sorry, I really don’t know why I said that. Maybe as he wakes up from his afternoon nap, for a few moments he thinks it’s Ivanka.”

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‘Exhausted’ racists forced to work double shifts after data centre attacks

Dave (56) is a proud patriot. Bald, fat and with a history of domestic violence he loves his country. Recent Ukrainian attacks on Russian data centres have left him tired and dispirited.

'In the good old days I just spent a few minutes here and there replying with ‘crying laughing’ emojis to any woke soyboys. There were always enough educated patriots to provide detailed arguments. After the evil Ukrainian attacks I suddenly found myself outnumbered. I think they must have targeted patriots somehow’.

Sally (63) is an embittered housewife. She has recently found herself the centre of attention in her local community for increasingly racist posts which have attracted hundreds of admiring comments. ‘This week’s been awful’, she told reporters. ‘Just critics everywhere. Where have all my fans gone?’

Patriots across Britain have had a trying couple of days trying to keep the comments flowing with little help from 'PatriotDave7855363535'.

It seems Elon Musk has responded to criticism by turning off Starlink to deter Ukraine’s aggression. Can’t let survival get in the way of the business model.

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Farage: "I warned you about migrant tigers"

"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population.

"And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else.

"We should cut off welfare payments to the lot of them and ship them back to whatever jungles they crawled out of, at their own expense.

"Whoever thought Britain would benefit from giving houseroom to some treacherous, stripey Asian predator? We've got our own treacherous predators - like stoats and weasels - which are much more my scene."

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