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Buckingham Palace announces new ceremony: Trooping the Suspect

In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.


A palace spokesperson clarified its historic significance.


“This marks the first royal suspect processed with full pageantry since Charles I was arrested by parliamentary forces,” they explained. “The principal difference being that, this time, Andrew Mountbatten-Cell Block H has been arrested by police forces."


Plans reportedly include a precision fly-past of discreetly tinted private jets, a 36-gun middle-finger salute, and commemorative merchandise ranging from souvenir solid-gold handcuffs to a commemorative limited-edition ‘Keep Calm and Await Charge Sheet’ tea towel.


The Household Cavalry are rehearsing a new drill formation spelling out “No Comment”, and street parties are encouraged, though attendees are advised to bring their own awkward silences.


The spokesperson also confirmed that further ceremonial elements, such as a public execution to boost tourism, will depend on “how things develop legally”.



Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.


‘We checked the regs’, a spokesperson told us ‘and Brian’s time in the library could be APEL’d, which took care of year one’. APEL – or Accreditation of Prior Experience and Learning – is university-speak for cheating. It’s like Dark Matter but for qualifications.


‘He had to write assignments for years two and three but they weren’t bad. Okay, his academic writing could be better and he sometimes uses BBC Bitesize as a reference – but that’s true of most of our students’.


Brian’s dissertation – Girls Today: Highly Disappointing – was framed as a ‘lived experience narrative’ using swear words and graffiti in place of conventional sentence structure. It has been placed in the Restricted Reading section of the library.


Brian has had his critics at the university – mostly the security staff, really. Also his habit of constructing ‘book caves’ continues to irritate the librarians as it might set a bad example for the other sociology graduates sleeping rough there. Many students consider him an ‘inspiration’, given that he experienced despair, homelessness and poverty before attending university - whereas for them those are all in the future.



Shadow Cabinet passes the 10,000 mark

In a break from tradition His Majesty’s loyal Opposition now has 3,210 Chancellors of the Exchequer, 2,348 Home Secretaries and more than 1,000 Education Ministers. The move comes after Reform, on 1.2% of MPs, decided to create their own Shadow Cabinet out of mechanically recovered meat products such as Robert Jenrick.


Stacey Williams is a hairdresser from Swindon, and also one of 934 Shadow Secretaries of State for Culture, Media and Sport. ‘It just seemed like a laugh. I know I’m not an MP, but neither is Zia Yusuf, so . . . . why not me?’


Ordinary people have become shadow ministers by, erm, well, just deciding, really. Rather like Reform. ‘If you wish for something, close your eyes and really, really, wish . . . . maybe that wish will come true’ said Stacey. ‘Just don’t wish for anything real, like money or a better job. Imaginary stuff like being the Shadow Minister for Whatever, that should be fine’.


Not everybody can be a shadow minister. There are some standards. Lee Anderson, once a senior figure in Reform, now has the job of taking everybody’s coffee and sandwich order. If he does well there’s talk of getting him a uniform, and maybe a bike with one of those insulated bags. If Reform manage to bag another hundred ex-Tories he might have to go back down’t’pit.


We can’t wait.




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