Marbles handed in to White House lost property

A set of marbles, apparently found next to a few playing cards, is amongst the items in the White House lost property office. Staff are hoping to trace the owner who is thought to be a child, possibly a toddler.

White House spokespindoctor Karoline Leavitt suggested that they were left behind by the previous administration and probably belonged to former President Joe Biden. However, it has been confirmed that Mr Biden still has all his marbles and continues to play with a full deck of cards.

Other items handed in recently include a sandwich, which may have been part of someone’s picnic, and the storyline of a play, which indicates someone has lost the plot.

When someone from the lost property department went to ask the President about the items, he wasn’t in his usual rocking chair in the Oval Office. It would appear that Trump has gone off his rocker.

Photo by Christine Tan on Unsplash

Trump says White House Christmas tree visible from space

Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.

'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'

Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'

Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.

However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.

There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.

Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…

Photo by simon on Unsplash

Now Birmingham’s rats come out on strike

Rats in Birmingham have gone on strike in support of striking agency workers called in to clear the garbage left by striking council refuse officers ahead of a new team of agency workers hired to clear the backlog left by the previous teams until they too say enough is enough, everybody out.

'Basically, if there’s a strike by anyone that prolongs the amount of time rubbish is left on the street, then we support it,' said Rodney Rattus, president of the Rats union Norvegicus. 'But this is going too far. Our members don’t know whether they’re coming or going. Not only that, we are concerned at some of the choices the public are making. Our members thrive on "best after" dates, not "best before". We’ve noticed that some people are throwing away food that is in date and is more or less fresh. This won’t do at all.'

Polishing off a cluster of bluebottles on his whiskers with one swift move of his tongue, he added: 'People forget that rats have families too. A growing rat needs at least six Domino’s boxes, with the pizza edges inside, a day. And the average rat can eat three times its own weight in maggots, just for breakfast.'

Meanwhile, Professor Elaine Empathy from Birmingham University’s Department of Anthropomorphology dismissed Rattus’ statement, saying, 'For a start rats can’t talk.' But off-camera, microphones pick her up leaning over a broken bin bag cooing 'What have you got there then my little popsy, who’s a clever little ratty ratty ratty-poos, oh he’s such a handsome fellow, oh yes you are, oh yes you are…'

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash