Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate

'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman.

'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included.  Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added.

'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand.  Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why they voted for Nigel.  And don't bother sending Zack around, this is hardly Brighton,' he ranted.

'But pitting a joke candidate up, that is beyond the pale,' he said, holding up a picture of Lawrence Fox.  'A bin, sure, bring it on.  Nigel will stub his cigar on him, but Fox?

'What a joke'.

image from grok

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Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery.

The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's hard enough to win the four million quid as it is, and that the sudden explosive noises definitely challenge the concentration. No-one like to work against something that sounds like gunshots. 'It can make you think that Trump must be in,' said one organically seeded player.

One possible solution has divided the committee. Revered champagne maker Mumm has offered to supply vintage champagne in cans, with a pull tab top, just like Bud Lite and Pepsi. These can be opened discreetly with a low-decibel high-frequency 'pffft!!!' sound that cannot be picked up and commented on by Claire Balding.

Half the members are aghast, and say that you might as well sell strawberry flavoured Opal Fruits instead of real strawberries. They contend that firing corks at the other debenture holders is quintessentially Wimbledon, and that a standard size bottle of 'poo is the minimum acceptable quantity, although a magnum (not the ice cream) is often preferred. All agree, however, that a Nebuchadnezzar is over the top and likely to cause injury if you drop it while holding it aloft and glugging from it.

The other members believe that, although it's obviously an abomination, you have to move with the times, and that the TikTak generation probably believe that canned champers is their god given right. They believe that selling official Wmbldn canned fizz is better than players sneaking it in, in return for backhanders.

Insiders say that, although further internal discussion is clearly required, canned champagne could be on sale at Wimbledon as early as 2039.

image from Google Gemini

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President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree

Donald Trump today raged against corruption at the bigly soccer jamboree after waking from an unscheduled nap to the news that USA had been thrashed by Belgium after the reinstatement of a banned player.

After having his nappy changed and being reminded that the reinstated player was the star player of the USA, Trump called a press conference in which he said 

' I call for this match to be declared void, and victory be awarded to the United States team. Not only did a banned player play, but the foreign players from France or Belgium or whatever shitty country it was that  would be speaking German if if it wasn't for us, had the nerve to mock me.

The hostility toward me is uncalled for. Yes, I phoned Infantino. Great name Infantino, don't you think? I may claim it as my own. Infantino. Wonderful. Yes, I did call my friend Gianni, but I actually pointed out that Balogun played at youth level for England and now plays in the French league and deserved to be sent off. He was terrible in the game he should have been banned for. Terrible.

He may well be detained when attempting to leave the USA to return to France. Belgium won because a banned player took to the field in our colours and planted himself like a tree. He cheated against Bosnia AND Hurtyvagina, and then cheated us. That's 3 cheats, you know. Who can cheat three times and go unpunished? No. He has to face the consequences. All three host nations are now out. That's real bad business. Not the best, you know. I know business better than anyone.'

image from Grok

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