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Amazon still trying to deliver to RAF Fairford

Writer: Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Sep 28

Despite three Amazon Prime vans attempting to locate RAF Fairford, the online retailer insists it will deliver the packages ordered late last week from a Mr I Ran. 'Apparently they insist we don't leave the packages at the air base next door,' said an Amazon spokesman, adding, 'it's very irritating as for some reason security is very tight at the moment. Maybe they should order some Ring doorbell cameras if they're so paranoid,'


Counter terrorist police are being typically tight-lipped but have confirmed that they have impounded three Prime delivery vans, arrested five personnel, impounded several plastic barrels of urine and have discovered several parcels reported missing three months ago.


This isn't the first time Mr I Ran has arranged deliveries to the US manned airbase. It has previously ordered twenty pounds of plastic explosive and a clockwork timer device to be delivered using Asda home delivery, however the retailer substituted two lego kits and a Hello Kitty wall clock. Domino Pizza also attempted to deliver a pizza of mass destruction late last year, but forgot to add the Jalapeno peppers so it was turned back at the main gate.




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Government to use boarding schools as prisons

Writer: MartinH
MartinH
Sep 27

The government has announced plans to turn recently closed boarding schools into prisons.


A Ministry of Justice spokesman said “Following the introduction of VAT on private school fees last year, several boarding schools have been forced to close down and they make ideal prisons. Both feature drafty, old Victorian buildings, bars over the windows, brutal sanitation and mandatory exercise. You are strictly not allowed to leave, and you must wear a distinctive uniform that makes you easily recognisable (and generally disliked) by the local community outside the perimeter walls.”


A speaker for the Lib Dems welcomed the move saying “In this country we have a word for people who have experienced both boarding school and prison - Conservatives! You leave both places having made connections that will be useful in life, right alongside massive mental issues and psychological damage: The foundation stones of modern Conservatism”.


A spokesman for the Conservatives said “Prison and boarding school is a family tradition that runs in the bloodline. My advice? Avoid the showers and learn to dodge physical beatings administered by authority figures and roommates.”


The Headmaster of the recently closed St Edturds College said “Both places offer a surprisingly similar timetable filled with woodworking, needle craft, and gardening. When you get bored with those, the main hobby becomes trying to tunnel out to escape. Many of our sixth formers were involved in some form of white collar crime so we’re looking forward to seeing them back shortly. Their parents will be delighted with the government picking up the tab for the exact same locked-down experience!”


Culinary Standards remains an issue though. The schools will really need to up their game to meet the minimum standards required for prison food.





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Man City to go back to being sh*t again

Writer: ChrisF
ChrisF
Sep 26

Man City will be forced to play absolute garbage going forward, the Premier League has confirmed today. 


After being found guilty of 115 financial rules breaches, The Premier League has been considering possible punishments for the club. 


'Financial penalties, expulsion from the Premier League, yes, these were options on the table', said one Premier League insider. 


'But we've decided that City will just be forced to play absolutely rubbish football, like what they did for most of the time before the Abu Dhabi investment years'. 


'It's like a kind of restorative practice thing', continued the insider, 'where the club gets the chance to reflect on how they can make things right.'


'In City's case this will involve Haaland, Cherki, Anderson, Foden, Fernandez and others leaving immediately , to be replaced by a selection of the club's worst ever signings. So, we're delighted to introduce you to City's next starting 11, including Roque Santa Cruz, Laurent Charvet, Jo, Eliaquim Mangala and Vicente Matias Vuoso. '


A consortium of the worst City managers, notably Joe Royle, Phil Neal and Frank Clark will also retake the helm at the club, for a period of at least the next decade. 


'We were also thinking about significant points deductions' noted the Premier League insider. 'But with this line-up, we don't think points will be an issue at all'. 





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