US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.

The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

• Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

• Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

• Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property

The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.

US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.

The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.

image by grok

Trump to wrestle with his conscience in WWF spectacular

"I sucker punched Iran by attacking it while it thought we were in negotiations, I killed over 100 kids with a Tomahawk missile and blamed it on the other side and I've let my underlings make millions through advanced knowledge of my announcements about the war," said Donald Trump at a World Wrestling Federation press conference, dressed nauseatingly in a gold sequined leotard.

"Now my conscience, whatever it's been hiding, wants to wrestle with me about all that.

"When I'm finished with it," Trump bloviated, "I want that conscience stuffed and put in a gold-framed case in the Hall of Victims in my new Presidential Vulgary... I mean Library."

"I'm just a still, small voice of truth," mumbledd Trump's conscience meekly to reporters. "What the hell chance do I stand?"

"I want a million bucks for this," Trump told the organisers, predictably.

image by Grok

BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time.

Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2.

In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, without waiting for any further details, let alone evidence.

However Jim Davies, who worked at Broadcasting House for 20 years until being fired this morning, suggests they have perhaps gone too far the other way.

”All I did was forget to pay my gas bill until they sent a reminder,” said the bemused electrician. “It wasn’t even a final demand. But the Beeb said in the light of recent events, they ‘just couldn’t take any chances’.

”Mind you, it’s a relief in a way. I thought for a minute they’d found out I’ve been hanging around outside primary schools wearing nothing but a raincoat.”

image from pixabay