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Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out.


“It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it. I mean, a house price has only tripled in the last 25 years. Like, it’s an essential product to live in which is currently insanely expensive, where can you make money from that?”


David, whose base salary of £857,000 would barely get him a six-bedroom house in some grubby part of Yorkshire (once a year), said that there needs to be some sort of incentive to building companies. He feels unmotivated and rejected by the government.


He also said (after receiving a measly £1,413,000 bonus) that the due to low wages not keeping up with inflation, first time buyers, like his employees, are struggling to buy things that his company makes and the government really should be sorting this out.


David paused to allow a picture to be taken of him looking sad in front of a deserted building site.

“I have 17 years of experience in this game, and I am completely lost on what to do. The government really should do something about it.”


If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story please call our special Fatcat Helpline where trained operatives will listen to you moaning about the Government without sniggering.



Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed. 


Sources close to the PM say the large brown trout dumped by the former PM is proving extremely hard to flush away, even with the assistance of a wire coat hanger and a large bucket of cold water, and is causing chaos in Number 10.  


The news is a further blow to Sir Keir, coming just a day after the ex-PM and Labour leader published a near 6,000 word essay on 'what is Labour doing wrong, why I remain the best leader ever, and why my tech bro mates should be allowed to take over the world' on the fiercely independent Tony Blair Institute for Global Change website. 


'This steaming turd has the potential to derail the PM, for sure', said one Starmer loyalist - though it wasn't clear if he meant the actual turd or Tony Blair. 'Keir's bowel movements are as regular as his pronouncements about how real change has already taken place since he was elected PM. Tony's er . . . intervention . . . is therefore extremely unhelpful, as well as being rather smelly'.


Both Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham have promised to remove the stench if elected, although Blair has suggested that neither of them has the skills required to shift the huge cable that he has laid and that they are all just going through the motions. 



"No other city on earth has what I'm going to build here in our capital," crowed America's demented president.


"I call it the Arc de Stalemate, and it will commemorate the many, many months that it's taken for me to reach any type of peace deal with Iran which isn't an admission of total failure on my part.


"This arch will be built on the main road out of Washington and will have a pillar right down the middle, stopping any traffic from getting in or out of the city. And the US Navy will be mooring ships in the area to shoot up any vehicle trying to sneak around the outside.


"It's a pointless project that leaves everyone a lot worse off - but that's pretty much what the war has been, folks!


"And I'm going to be asking Congress to give me a billion dollars. Not necessarily to build my arch. I just want them to give me a billion dollars."



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