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Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

deskpilot
Jul 30

Donald Trump is fed up with the United Nations and member nations who say bad things about him behind his back. He thinks that US money should command more obsequious fawning and less invective. Vladimir Putin finds the United Nations annoying. Sure, he can veto stuff that would move towards world peace – but who wants that?

Insiders say that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are working on a new global alliance that will by-pass the UN and help them achieve their goals in the right way. A bit like the highly successful and well respected Board Of Peace that has secured a just and lasting peace in Gaza.

Critics are not impressed. ‘It’s just a League of Losers,’ said one. ‘Donald Trump is losing badly against Iran and has no plan B. Vladimir Putin is losing against Ukraine, and Moscow is nearly as smoky as Bordeaux. He can’t even buy DVDs off the internet due to ‘planned maintenance in the supply chain’. It’s hard to see how these two could fix anything.’

Donald Trump remains upbeat about his plans to sideline the UN. He says that there is strong interest in a new global alliance from Venezuela, The Marshall Islands, Narnia, FIFA, and the Isle of Wight. A launch event is planned for the autumn at Mar-a-Lago, where attendees will resolve all current conflicts before moving on for an afternoon of golf.

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Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

deskpilot
Jul 29

Nigel Farage is fighting for his political career at the imminent by-election in Clacton. His main opponent is the loveable cartoon character Count Binface. Opinion polls show growing support for Count Binface, but both sides have dismissed these polls as ‘rubbish’.

In the latest twist, Nigel Farage has made a long distance call to the Electoral Registrar in Clacton to demand the removal of all bins from polling stations on election day. He claims that seeing bins in or near polling stations may unduly influence voters, and prejudice the election result.

The demand is for no bins – empty or full – on polling station premises, and no bins within 500m of any of the polling stations. Waste at polling stations should only be collected in politically neutral black bin bags.

The council is considering the issue. A spokesman said, ‘Many polling stations do have waste bins or litter bins nearby. Removing all of them for election day would be very expensive and the the council does not have the money to do this. However, if Mr Farage is prepared to pay for the work, then we are willing to help. We have estimated the cost of removing and replacing all of the bins at five million pounds.’

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Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North

Matilda
Jul 28

It was with great trepidation I set foot in the cinema.

The journey leading to this moment had be difficult. Hoards of tourists were occupying the kingdom of Leicester Square, drinking and eating all the available food and cola, each laying claim to their only object of desire, a ticket to Odyssey.

They lay about, cursing and shouting, minor scuffles broke near the ticket office as each applied to be a suitor to the prize, but each in turn was rejected. They had all failed to meet the conditions of ticket purchase on-line, where they had to complete a task. They were required to pass a debit card through many hoops to its correct purchase destination, avoiding the touts, fraudulent sites and scammers. All had tried to do battle with the one eyed monster and its keyboard and all had failed.

Having braved the Sahara heat of Leicester Square, avoided the whirlpool of pickpockets, the movement had arrived. I approached the guardian of the QR code and proffered my password, it was accepted, my journey had begun.

I ventured into the darkest and twistyest of narrow passages, reminiscent of a pharaohs tomb, but without the light. The passage, of time, gobbled the footsteps like a hungry soldier fed by Circe, but eventually the solid bolts of the door were drawn and a vast cavernous space laid before me, well I assume it was because that also was pitch black and cold as Hades.

I groped my way along the snow set dark ramp where the row identifiers arose from the floor like long dead soldiers and guided me to my allotted place. There I found that others who had supplied for the long journey with buckets of corn and gallons of cola, it was as though they had prepared for a ten year banquet.

The film itself? I left with an abiding impression that I had witnessed a new wonder of the ancient world, the quality of the ancient Greek dentistry. The teeth glistened like marble tombstones, even the oldest and grzzleyest of actors had perfect teeth, and they were all in place; it was incredible. No wine stains and not a crooked molar amongst any of them. I truly had witnessed a wonder.

I left the cinema to reflect that clearly the Greeks knew a lot more about dentistry than the effects department knew about authenticity. And, while some may quibble about accuracy and American accents, I will forever remain in awe of ancient Greek dentistry

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