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Future British Armed Forces ‘will be the best prepared ever’ say influencers

Oct 1

Influencers across the UK are saying that any unit sent into battle to represent UK interests overseas will have the best skin care regime of any fighting force ever assembled. Mz Kola Jean, a 23 year old influencer from Romford who is now based in Dubai says there is no excuses for any of the armed forces to go into battle with poor skin quality or split ends.

‘If lower ranking members of the British army follow my daily skin care regime and keeps up a healthy hair routine then they will go into battle looking their very best. Even after an exhausting 12 hour yomp deep inside enemy territory, culminating in hand to hand combat with an elite Taliban fighting unit your skin and hair will still look great.

'Even the most battle hardened mujahideen veteran will marvel at your flesh tones while mutilating and defiling your body before feeding it to their dogs. And those carefully crafted blonding highlights won’t go unnoticed either,' she added.

Fears that UK youth are unprepared for the threat of future war were dismissed by Mz Jean who said his/her/their generation will be the most prepared ever.

‘We have spent our lives preparing for this’ said Mz Jean ‘ the hours and hours spent in front of a mirror has prepared this next generation like no other. You will be hard pressed to find any Generation Alpha with a skin blemish or mark that is not designer made or influencer verified….our cheekbones will be the most plumped and blushed of any army.

'Make-up during warfare have come a long way since Mel Gibson’s clumsy attempts at looking great in Braveheart…..that blue foundation was never going to work with such historically inaccurate tartan braids.

'Most of us already have neurodevelopment disorders any way….and you can’t be more prepared for war than that. That is how prepared we will be’.

Image: ThePixelman - Pixabay

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Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service

Sully

Sep 30

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service.

‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’.

Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective still hasn’t agreed a constitution and looks to be months away from commissioning its first Tik Tok advert featuring baby-faced Burnham enjoying a pack of the skin-based delicacy.

‘It’s all about momentum’, the spokesman told us. ‘Andy has to announce something new every week or someone’s going to point at him and laugh, and it’ll all be over. Once people realise he’s just a bloke it’ll be like the end of Whistle Down The Wind, only more Northern. We need those Tik Toks, we need a coherent policy on pork scratching distribution and we need a really big can of WD-40, pronto’.

Image: File:Prime Minister Andy Burnham arrives at 10 Downing Street (55406541496).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Fury and Joshua to enter the ring on mobility scooters

Gerontius

Sep 29

Promoters for the long-awaited heavyweight decider between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua say the two boxers will enter the ring on mobility scooters. Big fight stalwart Ted Hearnes said a specially prepared ramp with a low-profile threshold bridge will help keep the boxers safe from toppling over as they access the ring from the arena floor.

The new ring-side ropes will be made of eco-friendly multi-filament polypropylene. It is thought traditional ropes made from heavy-duty steel cable core wrapped in thick foam padding could affect the boxers wellbeing, causing a rash, xerosis or pressure ulcers on their aging skin.

The custom built mobility scooters will take into account the boxers enhanced size and their age related mobility issues. They will be fitted with a wider wheelbase compared to that of standard scooters and have an impressive top speed of 4mph. The boxers are aiming to break into the lucrative mobility scooter market and hope their high-profile ring entry will generate a fan base among other elderly sports fans.

It is not unusual for boxers to cash in on their heavyweight fame. In the 1970s Henry Cooper appeared in several TV commercials extolling the virtues of Brut 33 and Frank Bruno was seen splashing dollops of HP Sauce all over his cooked breakfast. Fury has already tested the waters, having set up a company making reusable denture cups aimed at the false-teeth market. He keeps his gum shield in one of his re-usable denture pots during the break between rounds. The pots come in a range of vibrant colours and it is hoped the stylish design will attract a wider audience across the denture wearing public.

There are plans to extend the break between rounds to 5 minutes so that the boxers can have a nap or take a quick toilet break before resuming the contest.

The event was to be broadcast on Netflix late on Saturday night but promoters say the bout would be better placed just after Countdown and before Beat The Chasers on a Thursday afternoon before the nights draw in.

Image: File:Elektrorollstuhl für Senioren “Invacare Leo” (Bad Kissingen) 2009-11-13.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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