'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over.

'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.'

'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stunned one close aide to the Prime Minister, 'we began to check the numbers, and then realised that we don't need to check the numbers - we can just say it's not a crisis and everyone will just... forget? I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner.'

PipeDream went on to suggest the entire situation has been one big misunderstanding. 'We don't believe there was ever a crisis to begin with,' they said to a bewildered audience industry movers and shakers, 'Our research strongly indicates this crisis was due to a typo. It should have been a 'cost of living CRUISES', and we recommend that the government immediately partner-up with P&O to rectify this national grievance.'

However, not everyone has been convinced by this revelation. Steve, from 'the local back alley' stated, 'Errr, I'm not being funny, but I'm still homeless and I don't know where my next meal will come from. Still, it's nice to know there's no longer a national crisis - just a personal one. Can you spare any change?'

The aide continued, 'we have already opened applications for the inevitable demand for street parties that'll swarm the nation due to this fantastic news. I hear Waitrose has an excellent party platter, and now we can now all finally afford it. Rejoice!'

Story: Edward Bartholomew Tetanus Bag

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

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AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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YouGov poll reveals funeral for King Charles is public's top priority

LONDON - As conflict rages in the Middle East and Ukraine, with no end in sight, and oil prices continue to climb, fuelling fears that inflation could accelerate, exacerbating an already harsh cost of living crisis, a bombshell YouGov poll has found the British public's top priority is not world peace, but another royal funeral.

With faith in politicians collapsing over the donations scandal and AI threatening to kill us all, voters say they desperately miss September 2022, when the news cycle stopped for 11 days to discuss where Queen Elizabeth was lying and how her coffin was getting to the next place she would lie.

Cedric Churchill-Jones, 41, told us: 'I yearn for those halcyon days. Remember the queue? Twenty three hours to see a coffin. It gave Britain purpose and hope. Now, all we have to think about is mortgage rates and the cost of butter.'

'I just want the bunting back out,' said Britannia Flagworth, 54, from Tunbridge Wells. 'We should give Charles a beautiful early send-off while he's still around to enjoy the eulogy. I've started building a shrine in my shed entirely out of commemorative tea towels.'

The sentiment has already been channeled into action. A petition on the Parliament website titled 'Give Us Something To Live For - Early Funeral For King Charles Now' has already reached 500,000 signatures, guaranteeing a debate in Parliament next week, where Andy Burnham has promised ministers a free vote.

While most MPs are thought to be in favour of the proposal, there is considerable debate over the timing. Sir John Haze CBE MP opined 'Things can still get one hell of a lot worse so we need to keep our seventy seven gun salute powder dry.'

Image: Annie Spratt (@anniespratt) | Unsplash Photo Community