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Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging

Sep 25

The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’

Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation (e.g. safely relocating a cup of tea from one side of the office to the other). There will still be academic qualifications like the Level 3 Waste Bin Monitoring leading to a T-Level in Staple Awareness - a two-year programme focused on identifying whether paper has already been stapled.

Said another learner, ‘I can now recognise that cables exist without necessarily knowing what they do, thanks to my Certificate in Cable Appreciation. Combined with my Level 1 Mouse Movement Studies and Award in Filing Things Somewhere I expect to be earning six figures, sometime in 2087.’ The Education Secretary proudly declared, ‘We are training the next generation of industry leaders, with our GCSEs in Important Pen Distribution and Empty Box Relocation.’ And those that fail will transferred to the extended diploma in ‘canon—fodder’ which has a remote campus on the Ukrainian frontline.

https://pixabay.com/photos/graduation-commencement-academic-5030172/

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Trump's latest rambling address to United Nations sparks consternation among world leaders

Chipchase

Sep 24

Just when it was thought Trump's pronouncements could not be come any more bizarre or unhinged, world leaders were left reeling and stupefied during his rambling address to the United Nations.

'I think,' said the ochre would-be emperor, 'these Chargossians should not be allowed to join the Federation. I told Captain Jean-Luc Picard this when he approached me for my views on the matter. A lot of people want to know my views on things. I'm a clever guy. Smart. Real smart. People say that. My views are the smartest. Fact.

'Captain Picard, I said, send those SOBs packing. Tell them to stick to their reality shows. By the way, I had a great reality show myself, the best, until Schwarzenegger destroyed it. So just you tell Kris, Kourtney and Kim, to stick to Botox and Butt Lifts. The kinda of important stuff. Hey, you know, I like the way they have names beginning with K. Three of them together right there in a row. Kinda neat, isn't it?

'I also said all this to the new mayor of Camelot, Arnie Bradham, when we met yesterday. And can you believe he didn't know who I was talking about? Maybe they need that Stormzy guy back in charge over there. I think they might.

'Anyway, that's it folks. Enough wisdom from me for one day. Cos now as the world's most important leader, I gotta go and build a new goldfish pond.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/united-nations-u-n-vienna-un-city-3760656/

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Stress-testing of Simon Calder essential to future supply of travel comments, say media

ChrisF

Sep 23

Stress-testing of travel expert Simon Calder is absolutely essential to maintain a regular supply of quotes, quick TV interviews, and responses to any travel-related news story in the future, media outlets have confirmed today.

Following near continuous appearances on TV, social media and in newspapers talking about the National Air Traffic Control systems failures, there have been calls for regular checks on Calder to ensure that his capacity for providing quotable content and exhibiting genuine enthusiasm at the opportunities afforded by travel remain at their peak.

'Calder's systems appear to have remained robust in the face of an unprecedented amount of requests for interviews over the last couple of weeks ', said one media insider.

'His segue on Sky News this morning moving from talking about the NATS problems to a 30 second soliloquy on how nice the Croatian coastline is at this time of year for families truly was the work of a pro at the top of his game'.

'And then to appear just 15 minutes later on The Today Programme, skilfully avoiding Nick Robinson's clumsy attempt to get him to blame the government for the NATS breakdowns by moving things on to talk about the ongoing value of annual travel insurance - genius'.

'But there's only 24 hours in a day, we just need to test him regularly to guarantee that supplies of travel comments keep coming through', continued the insider.

Stress-testing would require Calder to subject himself to a series of gruelling mental and physical challenges, including answering 20 quick-fire questions on topics such as currency exchange rates, the best regional airports outside London, and the optimum route for a motorhome trip through the Dordogne in October. This would be followed by a two-minute critique of a randomly selected holiday itinerary, such as a two-week trip to Orlando theme parks for a family of 4 at Easter, or a south-med cruise-and-stay trip for 2 recent retirees. Finally, Calder would be subjected to a one-minute interview from Kay Burley.

'I do need to look after myself, certainly', said Calder animatedly to camera. 'There's always a danger of spreading yourself too thin, like you might do when you use just one little sachet of butter on your toast at a lovely all-inclusive breakfast at a 4 star hotel in Rhodes. Lovely place, I'd really recommend it in late Summer, and don't forget to leave yourself enough time to visit the Old Town, it really is a gem...'

https://pixabay.com/photos/breaking-news-journalism-press-7613045/

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