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Millions flee toxic fall-out from Trump's sickening bragging


Roads out of cities across the Western world are now packed with people desperate to escape the noxious effects of Trump's incessant self-congratulation.


"They're seeking anywhere, way up in the hills or out at sea, with no WiFi connection and no TV or radio signals," said an AA spokes-spare tyre, "so they don't have to listen to Trump's nauseating boasts about 'winning on levels never seen before'."


"We stuck with the news for as long as we could," said one evacuee on the A303, who was making his way to the western-most point of the Scilly Isles with his young family and all their possessions strapped to the roof of his car.


"But then our ears started to bleed and we all felt our heads would explode.


"It's then we knew that we were suffering from radioactive Trump poisoning, brought on by listening to him bigging his stupid self up on the radio."


Media organisations have been told by the Health and Safety Executive to limit their journalists' exposure to five minutes at a stretch when editing material containing Trump's sickenly self-satisfied remarks.


"Otherwise, they may suffer concussion and blood loss from banging their heads against the wall and stabbing themselves with scissors out of uncontrollable exasperation with Trump's self-glorifying tattle," said an HSE spokes-clipboard.


The Flee Your Home Office has issued a press release advising evacuees that there are still spaces available on Rockall on which to perch until Trump finally shuts up, or sea areas off Scapa Flow in which to scuttle themselves.


"But on no account," warns the press release, "should anyone try to save Nigel Farage or Kemi Badenoch.


"Trump sickness has reached too far inside their tiny minds for them to be helped."


Donald Trump is 79 years old in deluded narcissist years.




Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah


Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.


”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and some tech bros I met on a certain Caribbean island. But even then I was wondering whether it might not be time to settle down, let the old beard grow out a bit, get a nice place in the country etc.


”Or, as it turns out, become the supreme leader of a theocratic fascist state that beats women to death for not covering their heads in public. Funny how life works out, eh?”


Asked whether his former lifestyle might not be a problem with Iran’s more conservative clerics, Khamenei winked and said “What happens in Dubai stays in Dubai, am I right?


A spokesman for Khamenei said he should be able to move back to Iran in a week or two, to give him time to settle a few casino debts, sell the Lambos and get every lap dancer in town to sign a non-disclosure agreement.


”Put it this way - he’ll be there before any British warships arrive in Cyprus.”




‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers


‘We could run out of make-up within days,’ warn Dubai influencers


Influencers across Dubai have warned that make-up supplies and beauty product are running low and could run out within days unless the Government acts now to replenish their dwindling stocks.


You Tube influencer Gemma from South London said the Government must step in to make sure beauty products and top brand merchandise can reach those that need it most.


‘This war could not have come at a worse time’ said Gemma…..’I’ve got a whole new range of Satin Kajal liquid eyeliner to promote and my internet connection could go down at any minute.


'The support we have had from the English Government has been woeful so far….It’s almost as if we influencers are irrelevant, of no importance….. It is terrible that people are dying….I get that. But I’m trying to sell leading brands of eye-liner and nail polish here….I can’t do that with bombs and guns lighting up the sky in the background of my You Tube feed.


'I’ve got 100,000 followers waiting to see me applying skin tone to my cheek bones later tonight…..I’ve got a new rich cool-toned product endorsed by Hollywood celebrities. Nobody wants to hear the sound of ambulance sirens and fire fighters drowning out my interview with Selena.


'Even everyday things like cotton wool are running low….those selfish people at the hospital are stock piling it all and making an influencers life virtually impossible.


'If it carries on like this for much longer I would like the Government to send a Gulfstream to get me and my two cats out of here.


'There are times when life can be so unfair’.




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