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Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection


A semi-literate Rochdale man has broken his silence over the heartbreak of failing to be selected as a Reform candidate in the local elections.


Ian Kerlot, 37, took the unusual step of pleading his case by writing an open letter to Nigel Farage, reproduced below.


'Deer Mr Fromage


I wanna be a counseler or a mp for refom coz I beleve we have to stop the boats and stop forreners taiking are jobs a claming benefits. I didnt go to scool much and hav no qolificasions and i thort that wood count aggenst me but i was amaized to be turned down coz i dont have a crinimal record. I reely wanna make are country grate aggen and i will do anythink to do it so i am gonna beet me misses up or drive a car at a woke lefty / will have to steel it tho coz i ent got a lisens. Plees have a word coz hating forreners is all i have in life.


They shud speek gud Ingurlish like me.


Yorz, Ian Kerlot'


We tried to contact Mr Farage for a comment, but he's famously publicity shy and just like his hero Donald Trump he is currently shitting himself.


Author: cliveoseman

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left


British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. That's due to lengthy queues caused by new border checks.


The long delays getting through passport control have caused some passengers to miss return or connecting flights. Travellers are being advised to use time travel devices such as Star Trek's The Guardian of Forever, or The Atavachron, enable them to prepare for their return long before they depart these shores.


Travel writer for 'The Time Lord' newspaper, Dr Who, suggests people should consider investing in a Time And Relative Dimension In Space device similar to his, although even he has experienced difficulties getting supplies of Artron Energy, Mercury and Zeiton 7 due to the closure of the Strait of Hormuz


Airports said queues were worsening under the Entry Exit System which requires travellers to register fingerprints, give a DNA sample and and fill in a twenty page "How are we doing?" questionnaire.


A Reform party spokesperson said, 'It's all going very well' and suggested that if people were really serious about returning to their home, they should simply consider taking a small boat from Calais, or apply for dual citizenship like Nigel Farage's children.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing.


"The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror.


"That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his place. Look at this stuff he wrote in the Art of the Deal: 'My style of deal-making is very simple. I aim very high, and then I keep pushing and pushing to get what I am after.'


"Tony's the kind of guy we need negotiating with the Iranians," said the source. "He really seems to know what he's talking about - unlike the blundering oaf that we have as a president. He couldn't negotiate his way out of a lavatory cubicle."



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