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US troops in Germany glad to be going home



There are 36,000 US troops in Germany and Donald Trump is cutting that number by 5,000.


We spoke to some GIs about the plan.  'It'll be great to get home,' said Dwayne Lydd.  'The beer here tastes awful and not like Bud Lite at all.  Although I must admit that the beer glasses are a good size.  The sausages are not like proper hot dogs, all big and chewy.  I think there's way too much meat on them.  And European mustard is all wrong and too hot.  So it will be good to get home for some proper chow.'


Base commander Todd Perch told us that it was hard to keep 36,000 soldiers occupied.  'There's only so many times you can clean the parade ground with a toothbrush.  And nobody likes German lessons.  And the market for sending BMWs back to the US has crashed since Trump's tariffs. So, to be honest, many of our boys are at a loose end.


'There's no real threat any more.  Putin couldn't get to Kyiv by road, so the chances of the Red Army making it through Belarus and Poland are pretty slim.  And all of his tanks are tied up in Ukraine.  So I think that Germany will be just fine without us. They need some incentive to re-arm, anyway.  Fourth Reich, anyone?'



Forgot is 20/1, inadvertent is evens says bookies


With Reform leader Nigel Farage finally admitting he received £5 million from a foreign/not-foreign billionaire donor, the betting industry is putting the odds to what reason will stick when the story eventually gets oxygen.


'Obviously he forgot he was paid £5 million,' said a betting expert, 'or he remembered but forgot that he was obliged to declare the donation,' he added.  'He might have remembered to forget, but that's at 300/1,' he added.


'Nonsense,' declared another betting expert, 'it was obviously an inadvertent oversight,'  he said.  'Not like Starmer's glasses.  Anyone could see through them,' he pointed out.


'I think you'll find he has no case to answer, everybody gets gifts all the time.  Most people don't declare them,' said a Reform spokesman, while admitting he didn't know the first thing about betting.  'By betting, is that the same as saying certain things that people have paid you to say?' he asked, 'like Nathan Gill, who none of us actually knew, those photos are clearly fake,' he added..


'It was clearly an oversight and all taxes will be paid eventually, if they have to,' declared Richard Tice before retracting the statement.  'Sorry, I thought you were asking about my finances.  Obviously I won't pay my taxes, but I'm sure something else will distract from them, like Nigel's bribe,'  he said.




"We're offski," say Tower of London ravens


"A lot of people have begged us not to go," chief raven Odin told reporters as he leafed through a brochure for holidays on the Algarve. "They think that if we leave the Tower, the kingdom will topple.


"But I reckon the UK's pretty much ready to go, anyway. The monarch has been reduced to some kind of court entertainer for Donald Trump. Britain's armed forces are no longer strong enough to defend a sandcastle. And Rachel Reeves can't ask for a single extra fiver from the financial markets without there being a massive run on the pound.


Added to that, there's every chance that Keir Starmer will be ousted and replaced as PM after the May elections by Angela Gawd-Help-Us Rayner.


"We don't have to put up with this. We're sinister, dark-hearted creatures and we're going somewhere we can have a future - a place where unprincipled rogues can walk tall and prosper, no matter how evil they are.


"That's right. We're flying off to live on the ramparts of the Kremlin along with our new ravenmaster, Moscow Nige."




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