Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House

US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year.

He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we have to have this’.”

A backing singer for Westminster council which owns the crossing, said: “We receive offers for the site all the time. I can confirm that we have received an offer from an individual in Washington DC which we have accepted. Like every council, we have to balance our books, and this offer is very generous.”

President Trump does not realize that the site has been repainted many times since the original 1969 iconic photo was taken. It is understood that he is now turning his attention to Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The President likes to stick his fingers into most things,” a spokesperson said. “The President’s handprint will now be added to the top of the Walk, ahead of the whole thing being moved to the White House lawn.”

image by Grok

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Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Boffins at the University of North Norfolk have plans to power Norfolk with a MASH battery, a new technology to rival solar panels and wind power.  The boffins believe that MASH technology could make wind turbines and solar panels redundant.

‘The main barrier to renewables is cost,’ said the white-coated lead boffin. ‘Solar panels are expensive, wave power is expensive, wind turbines are expensive. We wanted a low cost alternative and because this is Norfolk, we lighted on potatoes.

‘The MASH array works just like that experiment that we all did at primary school. The one where you make a battery out of a potato and power a tiny light bulb.  We took that basic science and we scaled it up.

‘MASH stands for Massive Array of Spuds for Heating.  We worked in a local potato field to wire up thousand potatoes, and we achieved a voltage of 700V.  By wiring up more and more potatoes we can create a massive array that can power whole cities.  It’s cheap, it’s green, and there is no toxic waste.  The Green Party are keen, Greenpeace are keen, and potato farmers are keen.  We’re trying to sign up Alan Partridge to help us sell the idea more widely.

The advantage is that potatoes are cheap and widely available, and that the used potatoes can be recycled to provide school dinners for the local kids.  Also, potatoes keep working when it’s windy and during the night when there is no sun, so you get power round the clock.

Our first attempt, using lemons, worked fine, but wasn't economically viable.  Importing lemons was too expensive, and we reckon it’ll be at least ten years before Norfolk could produce lemons in the quantity required.

One possible disadvantage of using potatoes  is that demand for energy put push up the price so much that no-one will be able to eat them any more. Luckily, the University is also working on a replacement for chips, made from recycled newspapers. 

The North Norfolk boffins are looking forward to a potato-powered future in which MASH technology produces enough green electricity to allow the nuclear power station Sizewell B to be turned off.

Image credit: perchance.org

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Harry and Meghan returning to the UK for lucrative Sky deal

To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas.

It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry complaining about the working Royals, Meghan making jam, and both of them talking about how difficult it is being rich and famous.

Although the King is looking forward to seeing more of his grandchildren, other members of the Royal Family are understood to be less enthusiastic.

The Prince of Wales is believed to have reacted to the news by saying: ‘Ginger and the Whinger coming back here? F*ck, no!’

It is also rumoured that Prince William is now considering joining Reform, having suddenly become very interested in their policies on immigration.

The reaction of Catherine, Princess of Wales, was, reportedly, ‘Oh, that’s such a shame. It’s been nice not having to worry about every family gathering becoming a six-part Netflix series.’

Meanwhile, Princess Anne is rumoured to have asked, ‘Why are they coming back? Did America run out of money? Did Donald kick Harry out?’

Neither Harry nor Meghan will resume their roles as working royals. This means that the Duke will remain a private individual while regularly appearing in documentaries explaining why he is no longer a working royal.

It is potentially awkward,’ said one royal correspondent. ‘Royal fans could soon be faced with a choice between the King’s organic biscuits and Meghan's raspberry jam, and wondering whether buying one of them constitutes taking sides.’

Filming for the couple’s new TV series is expected to begin soon. One Sky executive told us, ‘We’re only interested in getting an argument between Harry and William on camera. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll drop it after one series.’

Image credit: perchance.org

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