top of page
Search

Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"

ree

"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.


"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.


"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.


"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.


"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.


"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.


"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.


"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.


"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."




Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises

ree

People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




A budget powered by revenge

ree

A close associate of the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has revealed the underlying logic behind the November budget, which increases the tax take by £26billion.


‘It’s all about revenge,’ said the source. ‘The Tories handed the government a massive black hole, unfunded commitments, and an economy in really bad shape. As far as Rachel is concerned, it’s payback time.’


‘She’s working on the basis that Labour will lose the next election. Probably to Reform or some other populist nationalist nihilist coalition. So she’s showing her core labour values now by spending big on the minimum wage and on benefits, but she won’t actually raise the money to pay for it until shortly before the next election. And she’s raising the money from the well-off, which will also please the red wall. Let’s hope those buggers don’t skip the country before the tax rises kick in.


‘So, whoever wins the next election will be presented with a total budget nightmare, with taxes rising across the board and the benefits that it funded long forgotten. This is Rachel’s revenge for the mess that she was handed.  She has copied the tactics used by the Tories in the run-up to the 2024 election. The Tories won’t win in 2029.  They are so far down the toilet that they’re practically on the beach. So some other deserving party will have to step up.  Your Party, perhaps?  That’s sarcasm, by the way.


‘Rachel’s nightmare, of course, is the risk of re-election in 2029. But she’s got plenty more budgets to come, so she can do her best to wreck any chances of re-election. And she’ll be able to ramp up the pain for her successors by continuing to help the low paid and continuing to defer the bills until later. Revenge is a dish best served cold.'




bottom of page