Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah

Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and some tech bros I met on a certain Caribbean island. But even then I was wondering whether it might not be time to settle down, let the old beard grow out a bit, get a nice place in the country etc.

”Or, as it turns out, become the supreme leader of a theocratic fascist state that beats women to death for not covering their heads in public. Funny how life works out, eh?”

Asked whether his former lifestyle might not be a problem with Iran’s more conservative clerics, Khamenei winked and said “What happens in Dubai stays in Dubai, am I right?

A spokesman for Khamenei said he should be able to move back to Iran in a week or two, to give him time to settle a few casino debts, sell the Lambos and get every lap dancer in town to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

”Put it this way - he’ll be there before any British warships arrive in Cyprus.”

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‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers

‘We could run out of make-up within days,’ warn Dubai influencers

Influencers across Dubai have warned that make-up supplies and beauty product are running low and could run out within days unless the Government acts now to replenish their dwindling stocks.

You Tube influencer Gemma from South London said the Government must step in to make sure beauty products and top brand merchandise can reach those that need it most.

‘This war could not have come at a worse time’ said Gemma…..’I’ve got a whole new range of Satin Kajal liquid eyeliner to promote and my internet connection could go down at any minute.

'The support we have had from the English Government has been woeful so far….It’s almost as if we influencers are irrelevant, of no importance….. It is terrible that people are dying….I get that. But I’m trying to sell leading brands of eye-liner and nail polish here….I can’t do that with bombs and guns lighting up the sky in the background of my You Tube feed.

'I’ve got 100,000 followers waiting to see me applying skin tone to my cheek bones later tonight…..I’ve got a new rich cool-toned product endorsed by Hollywood celebrities. Nobody wants to hear the sound of ambulance sirens and fire fighters drowning out my interview with Selena.

'Even everyday things like cotton wool are running low….those selfish people at the hospital are stock piling it all and making an influencers life virtually impossible.

'If it carries on like this for much longer I would like the Government to send a Gulfstream to get me and my two cats out of here.

'There are times when life can be so unfair’.

Image: armennano - Pixabay

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Neighbour confirms plans to mow his lawn more than you

Your next door neighbour has confirmed his plans to mow his lawn much more often than you, and to generally take much better care then you of his plants, flowers and shrubs over the coming year, you lazy sod.

Terry, 68 (retired), marked the start of March with a ceremonial first cut of his lawn, although he’s been doing lots of jobs in the garden over the winter months too, you know, getting things ready for the Spring, composting, weeding, mulching because you’ve got to keep on top of things, haven’t you? Haven’t you? You haven’t, have you? You’ve done absolutely diddly squat.

Whilst your sorry patch of grass looks like something out the Day of the Triffids, Terry’s already has pristine Wembley stripes on it, and he could do yours for you if you’re too busy or haven’t got the skills, it’s no bother, really.

‘The annual publishing of Terry’s gardening timetable for the next 7 months is always an exciting moment, although perhaps not for you, his horticulturally incompetent next-door neighbour’, noted Luscious Rose, from the Royal Horticultural Society.

‘Long, but unpredictable patterns of use of a noisy strimmer from 9am every other Sunday’, continued Rose. ‘Looking up from his careful deadheading of flowers as you head out in your car to innocently point out ‘it’s a lovely day for some gardening isn’t it - oh, you’re off out are you?’.

‘And sighing heavily on a hot May bank holiday Monday as he creosotes both sides of the jointly owned fence between your two properties. It’s all there for you to look forward to till the end of October when you’ll vow that next year you’ll do a bit more in the garden.

Terry has also confirmed his plans to clean his own car every single week on a Sunday morning, even though it looks completely pristine anyway, just so he can make you feel inadequate as you say hello to him on your way past to get into your complete shit-tip of a vehicle.