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A budget powered by revenge

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A close associate of the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has revealed the underlying logic behind the November budget, which increases the tax take by £26billion.


‘It’s all about revenge,’ said the source. ‘The Tories handed the government a massive black hole, unfunded commitments, and an economy in really bad shape. As far as Rachel is concerned, it’s payback time.’


‘She’s working on the basis that Labour will lose the next election. Probably to Reform or some other populist nationalist nihilist coalition. So she’s showing her core labour values now by spending big on the minimum wage and on benefits, but she won’t actually raise the money to pay for it until shortly before the next election. And she’s raising the money from the well-off, which will also please the red wall. Let’s hope those buggers don’t skip the country before the tax rises kick in.


‘So, whoever wins the next election will be presented with a total budget nightmare, with taxes rising across the board and the benefits that it funded long forgotten. This is Rachel’s revenge for the mess that she was handed.  She has copied the tactics used by the Tories in the run-up to the 2024 election. The Tories won’t win in 2029.  They are so far down the toilet that they’re practically on the beach. So some other deserving party will have to step up.  Your Party, perhaps?  That’s sarcasm, by the way.


‘Rachel’s nightmare, of course, is the risk of re-election in 2029. But she’s got plenty more budgets to come, so she can do her best to wreck any chances of re-election. And she’ll be able to ramp up the pain for her successors by continuing to help the low paid and continuing to defer the bills until later. Revenge is a dish best served cold.'




Government to reintroduce Trial by Combat

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The government is denying it is pandering to Reform voters by overhauling the Criminal Justice system by eliminating the majority of Jury trials.  'Democracy and the Magna Carta is so yesteryear,' said a government spokesman today.


The new system will see less serious trials decided by 'Ips Dips Sky Blue', previously known as the Magistrates court but with the randomness of lay judges removed and replaced by Civil Servants with a top hat and names written on scraps of paper.  Straws might be used as well.  More serious crimes will be utilising Trial by Combat, with the survivor walking free.  'It'll save a shed load in jail spaces,' noted the spokesman, who suggested that white collar criminals should consider going to the gym before hacking their corporate IT systems.


Jury trials will be retained for more serious crimes where important people will need a way of avoiding justice.  For very serious crimes, to ensure nobody is penalised whatsoever, the public enquiry system will be maintained.  Much to the relief of corrupt politicians, fast-track PPE company owners, Post Office officials and refurbishers of tower blocks.




Man with rare condition amazes doctors after gene therapy

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'The improvement is miraculous,' said a handsome doctor in a suspiciously clean white coat. 'The patient has a rare condition that causes indecision, mendacity, randiness, a god complex, and uncontrollable hair.


'After receiving our expert and expensive therapies, he can now construct an apology and appear to mean it. He can manifest fairly normal hair, and he's stopped trying to shag anything in a skirt. But he still lapses into cod Latin when he's under stress, and he still can't understand science.


'His treatment means that he does now recognise the enormous damage he did to the economy, the country, his families, and the health service. But he has shown no remorse and doesn't feel the need to make amends. So although our therapy has many positive aspects, it isn't yet perfect.




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