Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

'Look, mate - 

(1) None of this 'Major combat operation'.  Bit of a giveaway, and sounds far too aggressive.  It's always a 'Special military operation.'

(2) You're not attacking a 'foreign country'.  Iran is and always has been an integral part of the United states of America, like Canada, Greenland and Venezuela.  It's just been acting like a breakaway province in recent decades.  But you are liberating it and its people.

(3) Don't just drop bombs on it and fire missiles at it.  Get stuck in, do the job properly, march in and march over people's faces, let the tanks roll in and roll over people, their homes and everything.  And while you're at it, kidnap a few thousand children and drag them away to be brainwashed.

(4) You didn't kill Khamenei.  That would be aggressive and nasty.  The poor feeble old bugger just toppled over and accidentally fell out of a window.

But you've started, so finish.  If all your armed forces are busy in Iran, at least that'll stop you trying to poke your nose into Ukraine, which is absolutely none of your business.

Have a nice day!  - Your mate, Vlad.

2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format

The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.

Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.

10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.

If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.

Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.

Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.

There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.

Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.

The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!

The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.

President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!

Image: Wix AI

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time that family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman today, following the trouncing in the Gorton and Denton by-election. 'Clearly Welsh families crowded into polling booths to confer during the Caerphilly by-election and now the Muslim vote in Manchester is at it,' he said.

Family voting is where members of a biological family collude - or discuss in normal terminology - on who to vote for. Around the kitchen table or even en-route to the polling station is, technically, illegal but extremely difficult to enforce, however when in the polling station any apparent discussion or collusion is forbidden and constitutes an offence. As if the missus would tell hubby who she really voted for.

'We believe the Muslims colluded and the senior family member instructed his family to vote for the Greens,' said the spokesman. When asked if he had any evidence the Muslim voters, especially the male family leaders, were colluding to ensure that the Green party won he confirmed the suggestion. 'They are naturally attracted to white female figures answering to openly gay, white, Jewish leaders, it's in their culture,' he added.

'If it wasn't for that inherent inbuilt natural bias they would have voted for the party that wants to deport them when in power, naturally,' he added.

Image: geralt - Pixabay