Old King Cole makes it clear all The King's Men should not put Humpty together again

Humpty Dumpty is not a working royal and will not be allowed to carry out official engagements such as 'sitting on walls', a letter sent on behalf of the King spells out. He will remain 'a free range egg', says the Lord Chamberlain, a top Palace official.

The King's letter has been sent to Mr Dumpty's team, government departments, military officials and all the King's Horses, according to Palace sources. It makes clear that any engagements carried out Humpty will be in a private capacity and he will not be representing the 'jolly old soul' in any capacity.

It seems to be something of a shot across the bows, making clear that any visits by the egg should not be treated as royal engagements. This comes ahead of what are likely to be public appearances by Humpty Dumpty this autumn. He has kept a very low profile since falling off the wall.

The message from the King emphasises that the position agreed when he was 'put back together again' - the so-called Scrambling Agreement - is still in place. This ruled out any 'half-in and half-out' status, as he is most definitely not 'a curate's egg'.

Image: Jimbo457 - Pixabay

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US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

The UN General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places. The Mercator map depicts Africa as similar in size to Greenland, even though it is 14 times larger.

Although most members voted to support the resolution, there were six abstentions. Only one country, geography specialists the USA, voted against the resolution.

When later asked why that was the case, United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Mike Waltz, said, 'I got a call from the US State Department, from Marco Rubio himself. The President isn't very happy that Greenland could be reduced in size as a result of this vote, so I was instructed to vote against.

'The United States needs Greenland to remain the size it is. If it gets smaller as a result of this vote, then we are no longer interested in buying it.'

When pressed if that meant that US international expansion had been stopped, Mr Waltz hesitated to continue: 'Well, uh, Africa starts and ends with the same letters as America does, so that means that... I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but, well, uh, America wants to buy Africa.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wear a paper bag over my head and go sit in a small closet in a locked, darkened room. Come get me when it's over.'

Image: Kyle Glenn (@kylejglenn) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.

'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'

The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'

An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'

The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.

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