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FIFA to ditch the football and just show adverts

Gerontius
Jul 18

FIFA president Gianni Infantino has announced there will be no actual football match during the World Cup final celebrations on Sunday.

Instead the cameras will cut straight to adverts and commercials….mainly featuring David Beckham selling waffles, taco crisps, pizza and Stella

Infantino said there will not be enough time to play the actual match as it gets in the way of important advertising slots and corporate selling opportunities.

‘We will see the teams walk out onto the pitch but from then on it will be adverts….right up until the closing ceremony which will then feature more wonderful adverts.

The football is important but it does tend to get in the way of close-ups of celebrities and sports stars and their brands. These people have product to shift and FIFA has a priority to maximise their selling potential".

Sales of crisps, beer and botox have rocketed thanks to Beckham's appearance in 95% of the adverts shown during the World Cup Finals but FIFA say there is still more product to shift before the curtain comes down on the final commercial.

The final will be decided by David tossing a McDonalds cheese burger into the air….whoever has chosen cheese-side-up gets to win the trophy.

"Did somebody remember to bring the trophy, that gold thing….does anybody know where it is……don’t worry…we will just present the winning team with a KFC mini fillet snack box”.

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Government introduces strict social media curfew teenagers can ignore immediately

Fernandomando
Jul 17

The government has announced a tough new overnight social media curfew for 16 and 17-year-olds, which will remain in force unless they decide they don't fancy it.

Under the plans, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube will be unavailable by default between midnight and 6am, unless teenagers alter their settings, click “opt out”, press “continue”, swipe left, swipe right, turn their phone off and on again, or simply ask someone younger to show them how.

Technology Secretary Liz Kendall said the measure represented a decisive intervention.

“For too long, young people have been exposed to addictive online content late at night,” she said. “That is why we are introducing a firm legal presumption that they should stop, subject only to their personal preference.”

Ministers believe the curfew will improve sleep, concentration and family life by creating a brief administrative obstacle between teenagers and six more hours of scrolling.

A government spokesman explained that the system had been carefully designed to withstand the ingenuity of older teenagers.

“When the clock strikes midnight, the apps will display a clear message saying, ‘Social media is currently unavailable. Would you like to make it available?’”

The teenager will then face the formidable challenge of selecting “yes”.

Officials hope this will provide a valuable moment of reflection before the user resumes watching seventeen consecutive videos of a man pressure-washing a patio.

Addictive features such as auto-play and infinite scroll will also be switched off by default, meaning users will have to reactivate them manually before surrendering the next three hours of their lives.

Online safety minister Kanishka Narayan said the proposals would make Britain the most robust country in the world for regulating technology companies.

“Other countries have spoken about restrictions,” he said.

“We are the first to make those restrictions entirely optional.”

Teenagers broadly welcomed the announcement.

Seventeen-year-old Tyler said: “It is good that the government trusts us to make adult decisions about university, employment, sex, driving and military service, while also reminding us that we may become trapped inside TikTok unless protected by a settings menu.”

Parents have also been reassured by the measures.

“I was worried my daughter was spending too much time online,” said one mother. “But now the government has introduced a switch she can turn off, I feel the problem is basically solved.”

Critics described the proposals as the digital equivalent of banning alcohol for teenagers unless they remove the lid.

Ministers rejected the comparison.

“With alcohol, the lid is often quite difficult to get off,” said one source.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/firmbee-663163/

Firefighting planes helpfully putting out wildfires that they made

Wrenfoe
Jul 16

Why settle for preventing global warming when you can enjoy the far more exciting process of warming the globe, setting it on fire, and then putting it out again? With 4% of global warming caused by plane travel, firefighting aircraft prove that with enough aviation fuel, every environmental problem can become a growth sector.

Nature loves balance. For every tonne of carbon emitted, there’s a comforting splash of water somewhere over a burning hillside. Said one pilot. ‘It’s the environmental equivalent of smoking twenty cigarettes a day and then jogging to the chemist to buy nicotine patches. It’s great to have your cake and eat it, particularly if you want diabetes.’

Joined-up thinking is overrated when spectacularly circular thinking is available. With 2,700 dead in the recent heatwave, we have ensured every wildfire comes with a complimentary bonus wildfire somewhere down the line. Future historians will marvel that humanity invented both climate science and giant airborne kettles of jet fuel, then decided to hedge its bet-and burn hedgerows.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/elg21-3764790/

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