Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service.

‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’.

Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective still hasn’t agreed a constitution and looks to be months away from commissioning its first Tik Tok advert featuring baby-faced Burnham enjoying a pack of the skin-based delicacy.

‘It’s all about momentum’, the spokesman told us. ‘Andy has to announce something new every week or someone’s going to point at him and laugh, and it’ll all be over. Once people realise he’s just a bloke it’ll be like the end of Whistle Down The Wind, only more Northern. We need those Tik Toks, we need a coherent policy on pork scratching distribution and we need a really big can of WD-40, pronto’.

Image: File:Prime Minister Andy Burnham arrives at 10 Downing Street (55406541496).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Fury and Joshua to enter the ring on mobility scooters

Promoters for the long-awaited heavyweight decider between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua say the two boxers will enter the ring on mobility scooters. Big fight stalwart Ted Hearnes said a specially prepared ramp with a low-profile threshold bridge will help keep the boxers safe from toppling over as they access the ring from the arena floor.

The new ring-side ropes will be made of eco-friendly multi-filament polypropylene. It is thought traditional ropes made from heavy-duty steel cable core wrapped in thick foam padding could affect the boxers wellbeing, causing a rash, xerosis or pressure ulcers on their aging skin.

The custom built mobility scooters will take into account the boxers enhanced size and their age related mobility issues. They will be fitted with a wider wheelbase compared to that of standard scooters and have an impressive top speed of 4mph. The boxers are aiming to break into the lucrative mobility scooter market and hope their high-profile ring entry will generate a fan base among other elderly sports fans.

It is not unusual for boxers to cash in on their heavyweight fame. In the 1970s Henry Cooper appeared in several TV commercials extolling the virtues of Brut 33 and Frank Bruno was seen splashing dollops of HP Sauce all over his cooked breakfast. Fury has already tested the waters, having set up a company making reusable denture cups aimed at the false-teeth market. He keeps his gum shield in one of his re-usable denture pots during the break between rounds. The pots come in a range of vibrant colours and it is hoped the stylish design will attract a wider audience across the denture wearing public.

There are plans to extend the break between rounds to 5 minutes so that the boxers can have a nap or take a quick toilet break before resuming the contest.

The event was to be broadcast on Netflix late on Saturday night but promoters say the bout would be better placed just after Countdown and before Beat The Chasers on a Thursday afternoon before the nights draw in.

Image: File:Elektrorollstuhl für Senioren “Invacare Leo” (Bad Kissingen) 2009-11-13.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Amazon still trying to deliver to RAF Fairford

Despite three Amazon Prime vans attempting to locate RAF Fairford, the online retailer insists it will deliver the packages ordered late last week from a Mr I Ran. 'Apparently they insist we don't leave the packages at the air base next door,' said an Amazon spokesman, adding, 'it's very irritating as for some reason security is very tight at the moment. Maybe they should order some Ring doorbell cameras if they're so paranoid,'

Counter terrorist police are being typically tight-lipped but have confirmed that they have impounded three Prime delivery vans, arrested five personnel, impounded several plastic barrels of urine and have discovered several parcels reported missing three months ago.

This isn't the first time Mr I Ran has arranged deliveries to the US manned airbase. It has previously ordered twenty pounds of plastic explosive and a clockwork timer device to be delivered using Asda home delivery, however the retailer substituted two lego kits and a Hello Kitty wall clock. Domino Pizza also attempted to deliver a pizza of mass destruction late last year, but forgot to add the Jalapeno peppers so it was turned back at the main gate.

Image: File:Amazon Prime van - 7 July 2025.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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