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Vladamira wins 'Russia's Got Talent' without performing

Oct 7

By D. Fenestrate, Music Correspondent and Bolshevik lackey

MOSCOW - Russia has a brand new singing star this morning after Vladamira won the final of Russia’s Got Talent, despite nobody involved in the production having seen her.

The notoriously camera-shy Vladamira delivered a powerful, emotionally charged performance of “You Can Hear Me, Surely?” to a panel of judges who were prevented from hearing her by a completely accidental gas leak. The audience members all said that it was the best song that they have ever heard, despite not being in the room.

The sound desk also failed after its operator was found to have pro-anarchist tendencies. Viewers at home described the performance as ‘silent but powerful’, saying that she deserved to win for the sake of their families.

Her closest competitor, an unnamed Ukrainian singer, had been a favourite with a moving rendition of “Bring Me Home” (To Mother Russia). Sadly, she was unable to complete her performance due to a tragic accident involving a crowbar, a piano stool and a chandelier - none of which were in the room when she entered.

Other competitors who have had very routine accidents have sent their best wishes to Vladamira, saying that they would have never entered the competition if they knew then what they know now.

The Kremlin’s Cultural Envoy has described Vladamira as 'a unifying figure for all Russians who enjoy continuing to sing.' He added, 'Her victory proves that, in Russia, talent will always rise to the top as long as there are not any misplaced windows.'

Meanwhile, the plucky Ukrainian singer’s rendition has been viewed 14 million times, despite never being uploaded. It is being dubbed 'the performance of a lifetime - all four minutes of it.'

Vladamira denies that she is related to the president, despite sharing his surname. She will now represent Russia at Eurovision, where Israel will come in second.

Image credit: Kremlin.ru, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Image cropped for publication.

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Top five theories about the 'security incident' at Fairford

deskpilot

Oct 6

On 29 September, 2026, a farmer near Fairford Air Base called 999 to report suspicious activity. No sensible explanation has been offered about the security operation that ensued, leading to wild speculation about what really happened.

Here are the top five theories about the events that night (credit to: Mumsnet, Mossad, What Van Monthly, TikTok and The East Gloucestershire Argus & Bugle):

1. It was an MI5 operation at Trump's request - there was no threat to the air base. The only reason was to hand the US President a cheeky sound bite.

2. Doggers tricked - they all thought that they were going dogging. They should have suspected something was wrong when they were asked to arrive topless and to bring three white vans and extra petrol.

3. Reality game show gone wrong - the men who were arrested were on a night exercise for the new low-budget reality show 'Hidden Treasure'. Channel 5 has refused to comment. The speculation about a foreign actor is believed to refer to Anton du Beke.

4. Delivery prank - local pranksters ordered petrol from Uber, Deliveroo and Whoosh for delivery at 1 am to Whelford village. It's amazing what sort of chaos you can cause for under fifty quid.

5. Google maps hack - computer hackers working for a hostile power hacked the mapping app to send unsuspecting van drivers to Fairford Air Base. I think we've all had the doubtful benefit of Google's fascination with single-lane farm tracks.

If you have any further information about these events, then please don't call Crimestoppers, because we've already had enough.

Image credit: deep dream generator

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Man buys 3D printer to make drink coaster

Throngsman

Oct 5

Brian Welch (51) has just spent five weeks researching 3D printers, weighing up size, price and reviews and then spent £562 to buy the latest and greatest 3D printer on the market. When it arrived, he unpacked it and stood it on the dining room table, which wobbles because one leg is, annoyingly, shorter than the other three.

'The wobbly table has always irritated me,' he told reporters, admitting he should have sent it back to Argos years ago. 'The wobble made setting the 3D printer up a little tricky, but I got there in the end. I looked up some online designs and found one for a drink coaster which looked, well, round and about two millimetres thick,' he said.

Within two days, after fourteen failed attempts and approximately forty-two pounds worth of consumable material, Brian had created a startling, if very red, drink coaster that slips nicely under the shorter leg of the dining table and stops it wobbling.

Brian is convinced 3D printers are the future. 'No more ten-minute trips to B&Q to buy a replacement clip or a pack of wall plugs when all I need to do is fire up the printer, search for a suitable product design to download, press print and wait a day or three,' he said, packing the printer back into its box. 'I need the space on the table, so I'll just pop this in the attic until I need it,' he said. 'It's practically paid for itself,' he argued, waving his coffee mug around, looking for something to put it on.

'Looks like I need to order some mug mats,' he said.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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