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French school rioters criticized for not using tractors

Oct 4

French politicians have slammed rioting school kids for blockading roads without the use of tractors. A government spokesperson complained that the children didn't understand "proper protocol", and that they will gladly listen to the protesters' demands, providing they first don yellow vests and grill some sheep on the barricades.

Meanwhile, citing a "total lack of respect for French traditions", commentators from the right wing Front National have condemned the rioters for being "far too young", and for burning e-scooters instead of barrels of oil.

"They say they want more lessons and more teachers" said one baffled minister. "Don't they understand that strikes are about working less? Sacré bleu-blanc-rouge!"

"Plus they're causing even more damage to school buildings. Can't they just smash up an American fast food place like normal? McDonald's has more money for repairs than we do."

Image: File:The Finnish May Day "riot".jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Race for stories about prisoner releases

deskpilot

Oct 3

The early release of some prisoners started today, and this fires the starting gun for tabloid newspaper editors. The race is on to get the first and the best stories about reoffending.

'There are at least three stories here,' said an excited Daily Mail subeditor. 'The first story is easy. We just need to print a story today or tomorrow about any new offence by an early release prisoner. Could be anything. Litter. Jaywalking. Shoving a reporter. That's easy.

The second story could take a little while. That'll be the first serious offence. Ideally, it will be the same offence that they were banged up for in the first place. So, littering won't cut it for the second story. Jaywalking, which isn't actualy a UK offence, is a possible, though. If there are more serious offences, then there's good stories in that. Maybe on page three or page five. Unless it's really serious.

'And the third story is 'Why oh why did Andy Burnham force this stupid policy through?'. We've already written that one. Actually, we've already run the story more than once, but the readers won't notice if we use it again. They just lap it all up.

'Sorry, that's all. I've got to go! There's news about a prisoner in a local park, and he's only half a mile from the kiddies playground with his parole officer...hold the press!'

Image: File:Shrewsbury Prison - geograph.org.uk - 7186253.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Premier League confectioner declares ‘No more fudge’

Midfield Diamond

Oct 2

In a break from tradition, the Premier League sweet manufacturer has stopped issuing fudge. A scathing report about a foul stench in East Manchester that left a sour taste in the mouth was expected to elicit a bland, overly sweetened offering from the Premier League confectioner. Instead, they appear to have acquired some aniseed balls at long last.

Allegations that the Manchester organisation had been misrepresenting the amount of Middle Eastern flavourings being stirred into their Hundreds and Thousands have now been proven. Similarly, it has been demonstrated that they obstructed Allsorts of investigations into their activities.

Throughout the confectionery world, there are not many organisations who are still keeping Love Hearts in stock for the Manchester sweet shop.

The Premier League confectioner has not yet determined what sanctions to impose but they are fully expected to be Extra Strong. And The Toffees will probably lose points again too.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

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