Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.

The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.

M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...

'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.

'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.

'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'

A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'

image by Google Gemini

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun.

Of course, there is a serious side to these unusual weather episodes. When the temperature tops 100 degrees Celsius cattle are liable to evaporate, while rising sea temperatures have meant the Reformberg in the Arctic is on the move and is expected to slide into Makerfield in mid-June, depending on traffic. The UK will also experience its first ‘flameicane’, which is like a hurricane but with fire instead of wind, great for barbecues though keep your distance.

There are fun events too. In London the BBC’s Louise Lear and Sarah Keith Lucas will be among guests at Stav Danos’ place for My Big Fat Greek Weather Forecast, to which all viewers are invited. It promises to be quite a party. Bring on the high pressure, yay!

imge from pixabay