Reform deny reaction to Nathan Gill sentencing will include interpretive dance

'Our response to the sentencing of Nathan Gill, who despite being the last leader of Reform in Wales and a prominent MEP for the Brexit Party and, previously, a prominent MEP for UKIP is provisionally - who?' said a frog-faced spokesleader of Reform who declined to be named.

'The suggestion that we will respond using interpretive dance or any other woke artform is insulting,' said the un-named leader of the parties that Nathan Gill represented at a high level whilst being apparently unknown to the present and prior leadership (same person). 

When indisputable evidence was presented that Gill was indeed well known to the current leadership when breaking the law parroting Russian propaganda for bribes that his colleagues parroted apparently for free the un-named leader suggested that if Gill got off with a slap on the wrist without dobbing in 'other people' then he might consider a tap dance.  If Gill took it on the chin the spokesman suggested the Reform leadership might be receptive to a gig on Strictly.  'What do they pay?' he asked, apparently finding time in his diary for an additional job.

Photo by Dmitry Ant on Unsplash

Trump announces retrospective action against small boats

The White House today confirmed that President Trump has signed an executive order authorising action against small boats of immigrants who are ruining the country's way of life.

'I built The Wall to keep out all the millions of immigrants who were coming in to our beautiful nation. And I took steps, giant steps, to expel those criminals who had arrived earlier under other presidencies who weren't as tough and strong as I have needed to be,' announced President Trump at a press conference.

'The next step is to use our naval, sea, marine and water-based forces to protect our coastline against the drug dealers, and evil, bad people trying to arrive through that route.

'The key to this is that anyone who has landed here, and I don't care how long ago, will also be sent back to the countries they came from. And these countries will pay the cost of the transportation. In fact, for anyone who has been here for a while, I will charge them interest on the wealth they have gathered at America's expense, before they leave. This is American money and property and it belongs right here in America.

'I am committed to expelling all these evil people who have simply expected to get America handed to them as soon as they stepped off their little boats. And we have been tracking them all along. I have already asked the Chief of Naval Operations and the Secretary of the Navy to prepare a list of known foreign immigrant-carrying boats so that we can start work straightaway, exiling these people and their families and descendants. And I have it right here.

'Say, Joe, can you pass me that report ...'

"OK. Here we go. Top of the list, this is where the clean-up begins. If you, or your people came on these boats, get packing now. The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

Photo by Peter Muscutt on Unsplash

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Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.

Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.

Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 

One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.

'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'

Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash