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Those new Burnham policies in full


As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.


  1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'


  1. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.


  1. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.


  1. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.


  1. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.


  1. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.


  1. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.


  1. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).


  2. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.


  1. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.


  1. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".


12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'


13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.



Image credit: ChatGPT

Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter


A representative of King Charles has admitted the monarch uses the same accountancy firm as Peckham entrepreneur Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter.


Accounts show the monarch paid £12.9m in taxes from income largely generated by strong sales of Trevor Francis track suits and discount carpet tiles.


King Charles is thought to be worth around £1.6bn, but annual royal reports reveal that deductions for overheads and expenses reduce his income tax bill to that of someone on income support.


A spokesperson told us that helicopter trips alone cost the Royal Family £733,063 in 2025, although that was offset against the king’s role as environmental ambassador for the UK


Buck House says supplies from a gentleman in Shepherd’s Bush have helped bolster sales across all Royal outlets with sales of David Bowie LPs proving a particular favourite among millennials and vinyl collectors looking for a bargain.


The king’s range of Hooky Street shops is thought to generate profits of £50m alone.


Royal Trustees say that the £11m tax-free gift earmarked to replace old boilers at Windsor Castle was a necessary expense, but assured royal watchers that this would not impact on Queen Camilla’s role as queen consort.



Image: ChatGPT

Thikipedia: Andy Burnham


Andrew Murray Burnham, aka Andy Murray or Andy Burnham, is a British Labour politician.


He was born in 1970 in Aintree, Lancashire, more famous for the Grand National.  Although already English, he studied English again at Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge, which makes him a proper toff.  He is marred to Mandy Burnham, who he met at uni.  They have three children, Candy, Sandy and Randy.


He has worked for many famous Labour failures including Tessa Jowell, Chris Smith, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.  In his spare time he invented Murray Mints and made his first million by selling the brand to a multinational.


Burnham held several secretarial jobs, including at the Treasury, DCMS and Health. He is reputed to type at 45wpm and to make a good cup of northern tea.  He doesn’t hold with southern drinks like coffee, matcha or kefir.


He was always keen to focus on other people's mistakes, and campaigned for a second whitewash into the Hillsborough disaster.  He also proposed a free National Care Service, but plans were abandoned when it became clear that nobody cared about it.


Burnham has twice failed to get the Labour leadership, in 2010 and 2015, but hey – third time lucky!  He was forced to leave several shadow cabinet roles when it was noticed that he didn’t have a shadow.


Disillusioned, he left Parliament to become the first elected King of the North in 2017. He focused heavily on annoying the national government by actually doing stuff on homelessness, transport and the economy, His flagship achievement was making all the buses in Manchester yellow.


Andy Burnham becomes Prime Minister in 2026 (date tbc), after Keir Starmer admitted institutionalised anti-Semitism and anti-Northism in his cabinet. He was ousted in early 2027 after a dramatic coup led by Wesley (‘Wes’) Streeting.


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