That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home.  And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid.  At least one of them is in Britain.  I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.

The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.

No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment.  It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country.  It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.

Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.

I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.

I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.

I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid.  A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something.  It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.

It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.

Can we talk about something else now?

Image from the NewsBiscuit archive

'Outside pissing in' and 'inside pissing out' both unacceptable, confirm tents

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 

'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's loft.

'Well, let me tell you, both are f*%king unacceptable,' shouted the Berghaus tent angrily.   

'Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have a stream of warm, cidery-smelling urine cascading onto you at 3 in the morning, when someone cannot be arsed to go the toilet block?', continued the indignant Berghaus tent.

'Getting splashback on your inner or outer canvas are just as bad as each other, I have to be honest. It's still piss. It takes ages to dry, and the long-term staining is undignified and demeaning for any tent. 

'From a practical point of view, I have to raise a genuine question', concluded the Berghaus. 'Andy Burnham or Wes Streeting? Okay, unpleasant as it is, I can visualise them both pissing inwards, slightly left-of- centre or right-of-centre, probably while they robotically recite pledges about what they'd do better than Starmer when they're leader.'  

'But what about Angela Rayner? Is she outside, or inside the tent? And how exactly is she going to direct her harder-left stream of urine outwards or inwards? Maybe she'll be perched on a ladder or something?

'And if Keir Starmer were to stand himself, presumably, he'd just piss all over himself.' 

Image credit: Wix AI

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.

'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.

'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.

'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.

No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.

At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.