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Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead



The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime.


"We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes.


"But when we went to lock up, we found that every one our 400,000 bars of gold had disappeared and been replaced with total dross."


"We knew all along that Rachel Reeves has got this weird reverse Midas touch," the spokes-cheque continued, kicking itself angrily in the shins. "After all, her two budgets had managed to freeze UK economic growth, collapse the value of government bonds and send youth unemployment soaring. We were just waiting for her next disaster to happen."


"I am confident that Rachel will recoup a great deal of the riches she unfortunately destroyed by selling off the lead for pencils and the leaves and slime for mulch," said Sir Keir Starmer, "and her job as chancellor is totally safe for as long as I'm Prime Minister.


"Oh, is that the removals van?"



Met Office issues Extreme Red Warning about making references to the summer of 1976


The Met Office has issued a rare Extreme Red Warning today, calling for limits on making comparisons between the current heatwave and the UK drought of 1976.


The warning comes as references to the summer of 1976 - particularly from your gran - continue to reach unprecedented highs.


'As global temperatures continue to rise, its perhaps inevitable that we'll see an uptick in nostalgic and sometimes passive-aggressive references to how much hotter the heatwave in 1976 was compared to this one', noted Muggy Close, from the Met Office.


'However, people often don't appreciate the dangers of gratuitous references back to 1976', continued Close. 'It almost inevitably leads to a long detour into the prevalence of white dog shit, standpipes on the end of every street, and how much better telly was on a Saturday night, what with Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Rentaghost, oh and that weird cartoon thing - what was it called - Bod?'


Some have called for a trading system on 1976 references to be introduced, which would allow the heaviest users - such as the Daily Mail, that annoying old guy stood at the bar in your local pub, and Peter Kay, to continue to ply their trade, albeit at a cost.


Peter Kay was approached for comment and responded saying 'Oh, its too warm for me, I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm', before moving on to ask why kids in the 70s always slid on their knees across the dance floor at a wedding.



Britons warned about new scam


Experts are warning Britons about a sophisticated new scam.


The scam is devastating because the financial consequences are severe for everyone, but the full impact doesn’t become clear until it’s far too late.


‘We’re called it super-bait’n’switch,’ said an infeasibly young so-called scamspert.  ‘We want to tell everyone about it so that they can recognise the signs and avoid getting ripped off.


‘Here’s how the scam works.  Leader A gets elected on an agreed manifesto, that has been debated and agreed beforehand.  As soon as Leader A is in office, there are calls for his or her resignation. Leader A is then switched for Leader B, who says that all of Leader A’s decisions were rubbish and will need to be reversed.  In addition, Leader B promotes new policies, not in the manifesto, claiming that they are the ‘only way to save the country’.  Needless to say, the upheaval and the changes cost the country a fortune, and citizens foot the bill – either through higher taxes, reduced services or both.  This is a particularly cruel scam that impacts hardest on the poorest and most vulnerable.


‘Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more examples of this scam. There are often foreign actors involved – sometimes Russian, sometimes American, sometimes European.  Their influence is powerful, but hard to prove.  Recent examples of the scam include Boris Johnson, Theresa May, Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer.


‘Our main concern now is that bad actors may successfully combine this new scam with more traditional ones, such as romance scams. That would be terrifying.’



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