State Pension to be paid using Crtptocurrency

The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.

'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.

Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.

Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.

Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

New Space Invaders style game for Reform MPs, councillors and Sennedd leaders

Following on from the arcade-style game released earlier this week that let Fascists Reform members pretend they were in charge of the Royal Navy performing illegal manoeuvres at sea to sink migrant boats, a new game has emerged.

In the new game the player has to wield a gaming dart and throw it at the Reform leadership*.  Hit a councillor and he/she will resign/defect/become an independent.  Hit three councillors on the same council and you've just won a bonus seat at Durham and get to hand Crafty Darren a pack of Kleenex.

Throw a Welsh shaped dart and score points for getting Reform Sennedd representatives to bail, or better still, hit a bullseye and get the leader to stand down (apparently not as difficult as it sounds, but be prepared for some coercive behaviour from them.

If you're throwing for the bullseye you might get an MP to change party, stand down or just admit that taking a £36M bribe is downright dodgy - don't expect to achieve a bullseye on your first game, but don't give up. 

Your game only provides credits for throwing darts whenever Reform leaders are lying or just spreading BS.  Otherwise known as unlimited throws.

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Burnham 'If charity could sort everything out, that would be grand'

Without a twinge of irony, the PM helped raise money for a cause he could solve in one day. Rather than end rough sleeping, Mr. Burnham thought the appropriate action was to get all sweaty for a charity that was doing his job for him. He was alleged to have mumbled in a northern dialect, ‘I could help but I'd rather jog off’.

With nipples chaffing, the Prime Minister celebrated his victory against homeliness by high-fiving a tramp. Asked why he doesn't volunteer at the shelter, Burnham explained that running past the shelter at speed creates a powerful crosswind of compassion. Every time somebody suggested tackling the root cause of the problem, an aide pointed at his medal and said, ‘Andy prefers to tackle the route cause.’

He also spent six months training for a sponsored 5K to combat world hunger, then celebrated crossing the finish line by eating seventeen pastries. He insisted that the true cure for homelessness was watching 4,000 office workers dressed as bananas jog through a city centre on a Sunday morning. Staff began referring to him as a ‘frontline responder’ because he overtook a man dressed as a giraffe.

Years later, the problem will still exist, but Burnham will have a drawer full of participation T-shirts as tangible proof that something very energetic was definitely done about it.

photo: Wikimedia Commons https://rb.gy/olqqwg

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here