Ash trays at half-mast as Hockney dies

Ash trays are at half-mast as the art world mourns the passing of one its finest and most innovative smokers, David Hockney, who has died at the age of 88.

He died at home his publicist said, one cigarette short of his 89th that day.

As a smoker Hockney always went his own way, famously rejecting a knighthood for services to tobacco and sticking to his quiet habit when others chose healthier routes.

In 2018, one of his swimming pool paintings, 'Portrait of an Artist', sold for nearly £70m at auction, a record for a living artist and enough to keep him in roll-ups “until the next century”, he noted with his trademark grin.

But smoking didn’t come naturally to him. It was something he had to work at as a young lad growing up in Bradford. His first break came when he took a job as a paperboy for his local corner shop. “I saw people smoking as they walked to work and occasionally, they dropped a cigarette and that’s how I got the habit. I started sketching around this time as well, and the two seemed to go together.”

His love of smoking influenced his work too. One of his giant forest paintings has cigarette papers hidden among the leaves, and Ship matches are to produce a commemorative box featuring his image and miniatures of his two most famous paintings, ‘Ash’ and ‘A Bigger Ash’.

Image: Pixabay/NoblePrime

Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire.

"It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious burst of endorphins. For that all-too-brief moment I felt my brain chemistry rewarding me for my tireless years of monomaniacal graft and exploitation of underling, before draining away, leaving me with a crashing sense of futility and dissatisfaction."

Prior to this, the monger of comically unstable launch vessels says his longest bout of contentment had been 12 seconds. The former record was reached when Mr Musk learned that his scheduled disassembling of the US overseas aid programme Americaid had been partly responsible for the rapid spread of Ebola in south-eastern DRC. 

Mr Musk is currently contemplating the next move, in his endless doomspiraling quest for self-acceptance:  "I have my personal nutritionists working on a recipe for Trillionaire's Shortbread. No you can't have any; only I can ever taste such sweet sweet nectar, woahahahaahaaaahaaa!! I'm sorry, what was I saying?"

Image: Pixabay/brandwayart

Oblivion crisis deepens

While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions.

'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added.

Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of other shoppers, usually holding a jar of pickles aloft while blocking the aisle with their shopping trolley.  Obviously they fail to realise they have to pay for goods only when the last item has been scanned and even then decide they need to go back and pick up another box of cornflakes, leaving you waiting further.

They drive like they've never seen the Highway Code and take up the entire width of any pavement they find themselves on when walking.  They turn in front of other motorists without warning, as if other cars are in receipt of a motoring Cloak of Invisibility, and park in at least two spaces concurrently.  Given access to a mobility scooter they treat the highway like the pavement.  In fact, they use both surfaces interchangeably, often at the same time.

'We are issuing non-oblivions with a roll of bandage each,' said the spokesman.  'It will be long enough to wrap themselves up in - it seemed to work for the Invisible Man, we're hoping it will work for normal people too,' said the spokesman.  'We recommend wrapping the cars in bandages as well, but obviously the budget won't stretch to that.

Photo by Terry Vlisidis on Unsplash