Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin

'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.

'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.

'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.

'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.

'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Man tastelessly watches World Cup and Wimbledon at the same time

After a hard day at work recycling his emails. Brad, 37, from Berkshire, hits the sofa just before 6pm and tastelessly watches the World Cup game on his TV, while also following Wimbledon on his phone. Brad defended his behaviour to the press.

‘While some have unfairly described this behaviour as erratic, I want to ensure everyone that I have trained long and hard for this. I have watched many TV series while also simultaneously scrolling through social media, and I never miss a single plot point. I am not recommending this lifestyle to anyone, but for me there is a real thrill in watching an incredible tennis rally while England are passing the ball back and forth between their defenders.’

His wife, Lisa, later clarified her stance on his reckless behaviour. ‘He’s absolutely addicted. He reads our four-year-old child a bedtime story while skimming another book. We do have sex, but only if he can listen to a true-crime podcast at the same time.’

Brad says that he now intends on becoming the first person to ever play football while watching the Premier League on his phone.

Image credit: ChatGPT

European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so.

Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President.

Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.'

Recent run-ins have included spats with Spain about Israel, with Denmark about Greenland, with Narnia about immigration, with Italy about defence, with Britain about windmills, with Ukraine about the war, and with France about marital relationships.

'It's easier to share the pain,' said a tired looking diplomat. 'It's such a waste of time. Trump only does it to impress his dimwitted MAGA supporters. So taking turns makes sense - a better use if our resources.

Next in the rota is rumoured to be the Isle of Wight. They're due to start a run in about technology - winding up Trump because the USA doesn't even have Ceefax.'

Image credit: ChatGPT