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Trump immediately awarded all Nobel prizes


President Donald Trump has been awarded all of the Nobel Prizes on offer following his 2 hour press conference on Monday celebrating one year in office. 


The Nobel Committee admitted they were left with little choice after hearing Trump run through all of his achievements whist in office. 


'Wow, I mean just wow!', said Hans Down, a member of the Nobel committee. 'I literally had no idea about the sheer amount of good stuff that President Trump had done. I mean, talk about hiding your light under a bushel'. 


'All those bad guys that he's rounded up - and those little cards he'd made with all their names on and their crimes was just class', continued Down. 'And the 8 wars he's stopped. 8! I hadn't even heard of some of them, so the press conference was actually an education for me. And just his tone on Venezuela, Greenland, Chagos, Iran - it's so diplomatic. The Peace Prize was a no-brainer - no wonder they call him the Peacemaker's Peacemaker!'. 


The Chemistry prize was awarded to Trump for 'the chemistry he generates in all his dealings with anyone who disagrees or questions him even in the tiniest way, whilst the Physics prize was given to him for a press conference 'in which his sentence construction and rambling narratives defy all known laws'. 


'We've never given the Literature prize to a Press Conference speech before, but President Trump's corpus continues to push the boundaries of fiction', continued Down. 'The fantasy worlds that he conjures up at the lectern and his heroic role in everything that has ever happened in the world since time began is quite remarkable.'


For the physiology/medicine prize the committee pointed to Trump's ground-breaking views on paracetamol as well as the example he sets to public health with his daily 2 Big macs and full fat cokes diet. Whilst in Economics, the committee highlighted how his 'pluck a number out of the air' approach to tariff setting had resulted in the ripping up and rewriting of every economics textbook ever made. 


'They've given me all the Nobels, all the Nobels', said Trump modestly. 'Six of them. Right there. It's a beautiful thing. Never been done before. I don't remember Joe Biden getting any Nobels, unless there was a Nobel Prize for being Sleepy Joe. They took their time but I got what I deserved. I've suggested to the Norwegian guys that they set up some new categories -  best golf course owner, best White House ballroom designer, greatest ever person to ever have lived. Who knows I might be in line for some of these'. 





 


Robert Jenrick Blames Country's Problems on Robert Jenrick


New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick.


"Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of migrants in hotels and the paying of huge contracts for this out of government funds is also the fault of Conservative Robert Jenrick. Again not Reform Robert Jenrick, who is a totally different member of parliament who sits in a completely different place to the former Shadow Justice Secretary who was sacked by the Tories."


When asked about issues other than immigration, Reform Robert Jenrick also was quick to turn his ire on Conservative Robert Jenrick, remarking, "Problems with the NHS clearly stem from Robert Jenrick's time as a health minister; a lack of social cohesion and rampant Council Tax rises from Robert Jenrick's time as secretary of state for Housing, Communities and Local Government; and problems with the economy from Robert Jenrick's tenure as Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. It is obvious to all but the stupidest that the wheels started coming off the country when Robert Jenrick was given any form of power within a governing administration. Thankfully, Reform Robert Jenrick is pandering to the stupidest, so I look forward to retaining my seat with a larger majority when the next General Election comes around."


Political Theorist Dr O'ctopus from the Marvel University of DC explained the phenomenon, telling us, "This isn't political amnesia; rather a political multiverse. Once parties are out of power, a new dimension is created where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. This explains things like Boris Johnson's columns in the Daily Mail criticising the country's actions during Covid, Kemi Badenoch attacking Labour's implementation of the Conservative plan to return the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, and blaming Rachel Reeves for not fixing fourteen years of managed economic decline led by four Prime Ministers from 2010 to 2024.




Man breaks single journey world record for sarcastic comments made to other drivers


A Leeds man has broke his own world record for the most sarcastic comments made to other drivers on a single car journey, it has been revealed.


Mike McBride, 42, surpassed his previous mark of 38 remarks made from the safety of the driving seat of his Toyota Prius on a single segment of the A65 from Kirkstall to Leeds, in standing traffic in rush hour, reaching a remarkable 45 sarcastic comments in less than an hour. 


'Conditions were perfect to be honest', reported McBride. 'Crawling traffic, loads of bikes on the road, pedestrians seemingly half asleep everywhere, but you just never know. But after someone pulled out in front of me from a side road and didn't give me the slightest acknowledgment to me, prompting me to shout 'Think nothing of it, pal', I knew the record was on.'


'This was followed immediately by 2 cyclists weaving in between cars - I gave both of them a quick 'Oh, you do own the road, do you, guys, sorry I wasn't sure until now. Let me just make a note in my book here so I can inform the DVLA and the Highways Agency' - and a woman with a pram who pushed it out in front of her right in front of my bonnet - I gave her one of my trademark incredulous shrugs'.  


 'Mr McBride managed an impressive array of sarcastic hand claps and passive-aggressive retorts to other drivers over just a five-mile period', noted Brian Smith, from the Guinness World Records, who accompanied McBride on his journey.


'His rhetorical question to a lorry driver who failed to give him the universally recognised double blink of his hazard lights when McBride let him pull out in front of him ('Is it because by axel weight is less than 7.5 tonnes, you loser') was a thing of beauty', continued Smith.


'It was still a little touch and go at the end', pointed out McBride. 'There was at least a mile where I didn't say anything. Indeed at Kirkstall traffic lights, one young driver with a 'Newly Passed' plate on, thanked me for letting her pull in from a second lane in front of me with a flash of her lights and a little wave in her mirror, bless her heart'. 


'Luckily she stalled as she was moving off though, giving me the opportunity to ask her if she maybe needed to go back to driving school for a few refresher lessons'. 




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