Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has called upon the Police to arrest Norman Conquest on terrorism charges. He alleges that Mr Conquest came to the UK illegally from Europe, possibly Scandinavia, round about 1066.
Norman Conquest's skeletal remains were found buried at St Peter's Church in Barton-upon-Humber 50 years ago, with a newspaper dated 26 January 1079 found in his possession, along with a letter stating that he is on a waiting list for a hip replacement and would be contacted in due course.
Researchers at the Face Lab at Liverpool John Moores University have used the latest digital facial reconstruction techniques to recreate Mr Conquest's face. Kevin Booth from English Heritage said: 'I was really surprised at how well technology was able to recreate Norman Conquest's face pretty realistically.' When asked how he knew that the face had been recreated 'pretty realistically', his eyes turned bright red and he growled, 'Because I was there.'
Mr Farage later said, 'As the Member of Parliament for... Clackerton, is it? I have certain privileges and I have taken the image of Norman Conquest and checked it against the UK Border Space Force Control database and there is no record of him arriving in this country legally, so I assume he arrived via a small boat in Autumn 1066, invaded England and set-up home here. He probably didn't pay any taxes either, so he has entered the country illegally and committed acts of terrorism against the Anglo Saxons - the only true British people - and hasn't contributed to the country at all, so he should be found, arrested and sent back to where he came from.'
When it was pointed out that Mr Conquest died close to a thousand years ago so that would be pretty difficult, Mr Farage continued, "Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? Another example of the so-called Establishment out to mess with the man on the street. Well, I am that man on the street and you shouldn't mess with me - I could easily resign as an MP and force another by-election in Cacklington.'
Image: Erik_Lyngsoe - Pixabay
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