Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows the only thing bought was a new torch.

"Aye, we'll admit that sounds expensive," said lead project manager Iona Ferrari, "but what you have to consider are bigger picture things like logistics costs. This torch is aerospace-grade, which doesn't come cheap, and we had to buy the batteries from WH Smith, as there's nowhere else open on the High Street anymore, and we weren't allowed to get Amazon Prime."

The airport is now advertising a role standing at the end of the runway flashing the torch at approaching aircraft. The successful applicant will be needed six days a week, eleven months a year. The month off is around the summer solstice, when aircraft can successfully navigate thanks to the giant wicker man burning on the airport's land.

image from pixabay

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Archaeologist unearths Republican spine

In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’

Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’

On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’

The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.

However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’

BBC welcomes exciting new bureaucrat to replace boring old bureaucrat

'We are delighted to welcome a new person dressed in a trouser suit to the ridiculously overpaid post of Chief Content Officer,' said a BBC spokes-minion, addressing virtually no one in a press briefing room at New Broadcasting House.

'Her job will be to sit in meeting rooms and nibble biscuits while saying 'Ooh, I quite like that' every time someone suggests a really rather tired and derivative programme idea - adding the words 'let's discuss that at another 120 meetings'.

'This is a vital post to fill,' the spokes-drone continued, 'following the departure of our last, vastly overpaid, Chief Content Suit, Charlotte Any-Moore-Biscuits. You'd probably never heard of her, but she was a key corporate apparatchik who sat in meetings about a whole range of really seminal BBC programmes - which most of you never watched.'

At this point, an empty red trouser suit strode purposefully to the dais and said: 'In this role I am determined to optimise output variables by benchmarking key targets for our content performance with new and flexible benchmarks which you can operate horizontally, vertically or even turn upside down - with all our future programmes being sprinkled with new, cutting-edge AI dross.

'Do I watch TV myself?' said the suit, replying to a mumbled question from a bored reporter. 'Not really. There's so little worth watching nowadays. Don't you agree?' 

Picture credit: Wix AI