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Quakers defo more violent than Met Police

Writer: WrenfoeWrenfoe
9 hours ago


In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by date. A Metropolitan Officer explained: 'Our actions stopped a serious sexual assault and murder,' explaining, 'locking up the Quakers prevented us from committing these crimes.'


There are currently 173 officers under investigation for domestic abuse and another 457 for other criminal activity - leaving just 3 officers not designated as molesting sociopaths to police the rest of Greater London. By contrast, there are zero Quakers responsible for violent acts of terrorism, 'which is proof enough we should lock them all up'. said the Officer: 'They were charged with conspiracy to cause a public nuisance by trying to save lives and some bull$hit about love - which is soooooo gay.'


Armed with Tasers and erections, the Met stormed the Quaker Meeting House, after complaints by neighbours of the absence of a disturbance. The Home Secretary stated 'serious violence' had been avoided - and she insisted the Met must try harder next time.



Allied WW2 chat finally declassified

eppursimuove
1 day ago


Messages exchanged between Allied leaders on Bakelite, a 1940s precursor of modern messaging apps, have finally been declassified under Home Office rules. 


The messages reveal that the D-Day landings were almost called off due to security concerns.


CHURCHILL: So we’re all set for Normandy?


MONTY: Provided the weather holds, yes sir.


HITLER: Normandy! Gott in Himmel, I almost said Normandy!


CHURCHILL: What the actual… is that Hitler?


HITLER: You know it, baby 😆


CHURCHILL: You added Hitler to the group chat?!?


MONTY: Sorry sir, I didn’t know it was him. His username just said “Reich Reich Baby”.


ROOSEVELT: Jeez, I knew I shouldn’t have left this to a bunch of limeys.


MONTY: Don’t worry Mr President, he still doesn’t know it’s June 6th.


CHURCHILL: Monty, I swear to god…


HITLER: Right, who had Normandy on June 6th?


GOERING: Me! Pay up, losers!


HIMMLER: No you didn’t, you said Brittany. That’s a totally different place.


GOERING: It’s the same place, that’s just the French name for it.


HIMMLER: Christ, no wonder we lost the Battle of Britain…


GOERING: You can talk, you said the Dordogne. That’s not even on the bloody coast!


ROOSEVELT: What the f… you added the whole Nazi High Command?


MONTY: Well unfortunately sir, once Hitler was in, he was able to invite other people...


ROOSEVELT: Goddammit! I oughta come over there and sort you guys out but good.


CHURCHILL: Oh yeah? You and whose wheelchair access ramp?


MONTY: Now now, chaps, let’s not go there…


GOEBBELS: Don’t tell me Mussolini’s on here as well?


HITLER: Don’t worry, I created another chat just for him and me, so he feels like he’s involved. So, you were saying about Normandy?


CHURCHILL: Monty, don’t you say another bloody word!


HITLER: Come on Monty, tell uncle Dolfi 😋


CHURCHILL: Makes no difference anyway. Whatever you send against us, we will fight you on the beaches, on the landing grounds and in the streets.


MONTY: Oh Lord, he’s off again…


STALIN: Gee, sounds like a nice day at the beach, guys. Remind me to tell you about Stalingrad one day.


TUKHACHEVSKY: To be fair, that was partly your fault for not…


TUKHACHEVSKY has left the chat very suddenly.


STALIN: Dude, how many times? Never in public. Or in private, for that matter.


TROTSKY: Dear me, looks like poor old Uncle Joe doesn’t have too many friends left!


STALIN: Trotsky! Enjoying life in Mexico? (Yes, I know where you are)


TROTSKY: Very much, thank you! Must be annoying for you to have a critic you can’t silence?


STALIN: Oh, I have plenty of ways to get to you, old friend. And when the time comes, I’ll take my pick 😜


TROTSKY: Hmm, guess it was funnier in your head.


STALIN: Not as funny as it’ll be in yours. Oh and Dolfi, since we’re talking… you missed a bit under your nose when you were shaving.


HITLER: Thanks, dude. Gets funnier every time.


DE GAULLE: Sorry to interrupt, but… is it safe to come out yet?



The West Wing remake announced

Writer: ThrongsmanThrongsman
2 days ago


The White House has announced that the popular 90s drama 'The West Wing' is to be remade in an up-to-date format that is going to be 'bigly better than the DEI woke virus' version.  It is understood the the current President and cabinet are going to act themselves in the new West Wing episodes.


The first episode of the new season opens with the President winning every vote in the country, including from Democrats who died during the pandemic.  The producers admit it isn't an entirely accurate reflection on facts, but is based on facts, mainly facts originating in new ally Russia. Which brings us to the second episode...


Episode 2 sees the West Wing ordering pizzas, attacks on NATO, tax breaks for Russian oligarchs and setting up a car showroom on the White House lawn.  As part of the teaser before the opening credits every government agency is disbanded, with every civil servant losing their job. The producers admit is isn't an entirely accurate reflection on facts, but is based on facts, mainly facts originating from existing ally Argentina.  (Historical note:  Argentina in its current form has been an ally of the current President for weeks)


Episode 3 sees the President launching nuclear weapons towards Russia.  Only towards, a few hundred miles short to be exact, and then a bigly exchange of similar weapons around the world, whose population collectively sighs the mother of all sighs, relieved that at least they won't have to see another episode, let alone another season.




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