Biden pardons his Presidential Debate

Having pardoned his own son, the outgoing President has decided that the bigger crime was his own election performance. During his Presidency there was nothing as heinous as his incoherent bumbling, which was attributed to Biden being 147 years old and technically dead.

All reference to the debate will be memory-holed alongside evidence of aliens and the fact that JFK is still alive. It means Biden is now innocent of losing the 2024 election but still guilty of giving the world Kamala Harris.

Harris is said to be annoyed that all the blame for the failure now falls on her, but as a woman, what did she expect? Meanwhile, Biden's reputation is saved, if you ignore all the war-crimey stuff, and he leaves office a free man, at least until he reaches the care home. A lawyer explained: 'We all need to forget the debate, just like Joe did, halfway through.'

Image: Pixabay

Reports of terrible surgeries in Turkey leads to surge in demand for surgeries in Turkey

Repeated accounts of the macabre after-effects of botched surgeries have resulted in a surge of interest in medical tourism to the Bosphorous nation, once famed for inspiring tragic comedian Tommy Cooper but enjoying a resurgence in popularity for its ample new tits and hair. In 2024, more than thousands of plucky, desperate, uninformed Brits Easy-Jetted it over to Turkey for a variety of ops, ranging from buttock enroundment to follicular acupuncture, in the hope of looking more sexually attractive in the English rain.

But dreams were frequently left shattered. Unqualified doctors, an absence of clinical sanitation, and a lack of soft, perfumed toilet paper are just some of the grim facts of life for the average medical tourist out for a budget scalpel makeover.

A woman who had breast implant surgery reported that although she left the clinic seemingly fitted with new breasts, within 24 hours they had deflated. ‘The whole thing was a con. My implants were actually just air. They pumped me up like two footballs,’ she wept controllably. ‘Now I can’t get a refund because it turns out the clinic was made of white cardboard. When I went back, there was just a donkey tethered to a post.’ Following news of the story, the non-existent clinic was inundated with inquiries from Brits eager to get the op.

A Welshman offered up his horror story of a hair transplant gone wrong. ‘I was amazed when I woke up to find my formerly bald head covered in medium-length, wiry, gingery hairs. I couldn’t believe the new hair had appeared so fast. Then when I went to the toilet, I saw that all my pubic hair had gone. The doctor had…’ he trailed off, emasculated. Subsequent to that news getting out, the Ankara Mop Top Hair Rejuvenation Center is fully booked for the next year.

A middle aged woman from Seaton-on-the-Rhyme flew out to southern Turkey for forehead augmentation last week only to return with an extra finger, while a man who sought butt reassignment following the harrowing death of his benefits application returned to his homeless pitch in Peterborough with petrified knees. ‘He just squats on his cardboard all day saying, ‘Me knees are killing me, me knees are killing me,’ reported a local observer, giggling.

Despite warnings from medical authorities that the risks of seeking out cosmetic procedures from unqualified treatment centres are potentially life-changing, those we spoke to remain undaunted. ‘I’ve heard that these operations can be life-changing,’ said one grandmother from Skeg. ‘I’m going to Istanbul on the 15th to get my eyes swapped.’

Image: Pixabay/u_pnhfuto76i

You’ve Got Mail 2: History Repeats Itself

The romantic comedy movie You’ve Got Mail is getting a sequel, after almost thirty years. The original film is much loved and is still frequently viewed on streaming services.

In the 1998 film a small bookshop, run by Meg Ryan, is put out of business by an all consuming chain of book superstores run by Tom Hanks. The message of the film is to accept change and move with the times. Meg Ryan is forced to close her bookshop and, after being comprehensively catfished by Tom Hanks over email, finally accepts her fate, and hooks up with him.

Tom Hanks has been offered a role in the sequel and is said to be considering it. But Meg Ryan is out of the running and industry insiders say that Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg could take the role of the villain this time.

In the remake, Tom Hanks’ superstore chain Fox Books is put out of business by the all consuming internet, run by Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg. The message of the film is to accept change and move with the times, blah blah blah.

Critics worry that the romantic tension of the original film could easily be lost in the remake, with some believing that neither Jeff Bezos nor Mark Zuckerberg are 'hot enough' for the role.

Image: geralt - Pixabay