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Reform UK band together

Writer's picture: tonymctonymc
3 minutes ago


With unfortunately not enough numbers for a choir, the music loving MPs of Reform UK have decided to form a boy band. Ticey, Jimmy Mc, Lowey, Big Nige and Animal have been in the recording studio laying down some tracks to be released they hope in time for the summer beach party season.


Nige, who says he’s has been a big part of the Clacton club scene for weeks, has stepped up to be lead singer and Animal, a veteran of the Nottingham Formation dance team in the 80’s will handle choreography and public relations. Ticey who is funding the project is confident that there is a huge untapped market, bored, fed up with main stream bands and with Universal credit, job seeker our fans have, a big disposable income.


Each of the band have had input into the tracks selected, Ticey chose and sings the backing track for Money,money,money, Big Nige a pounding dub version of, If I was a rich man and Lowey belts out the Daily Mail’s tip for single of the year, Horst Wessel Lied.


With the album tracks not yet finalised and no name yet chosen for the group, the five cheeky lads have asked for fans to come up with a possible name and also to suggest songs they would like included. The band is keen to point out however, that any chosen suggestions may get a credit on the album but absolutely no financial reward.




Survivors of Downing Street Parties found alive and well

Writer's picture: tonymctonymc
1 day ago


Police and Ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday when two former Boris Johnson aids were found hiding in a cellar at No 10. Walking blinking into the light, having been in hiding since 2020, they had no idea that their leader had been deposed or that the Conservatives party had been decimated at a general election.


For now their identities are being kept secret until their families have been informed but one is believed to be the son of a prominent Essex Tory MP whose hobby is reliving the D day landings every forth Sunday of the month and the other a former Eton wet bob who was on a £50,000 a year work experience placement when the parties took place.


Questioned by Police, they explained that the Party invite specially said; do not get caught under any circumstances, capture or surrender is not an option, secrecy is paramount. Based on this, having taken refuge in the cellar after what they believed to be a police raid they would only sneak out at night and walked barefoot at all times. Unbeknown to them of course this was unnecessary as all the Police on duty at Downing Street at that time were all hearing impaired. With since admitted loud parties with Booze, music, singing and even an alleged fight, frequent occurrence under Boris Johnson, the Police on guard in another wise quiet empty street heard nothing.


The two, being hailed as heroes by the Daily Mail, described how they existed on scraps from the nearby kitchen and the massive amount of booze hidden in suitcases they had stashed in the cellars prior to the parties. Initially they also had a supply of Birthday cake but they estimate this ran out after a couple of months. A Police spokes person said that in view of the trauma they had already been though further action was unlikely.


Neither Conservative party central office nor Boris Johnson has yet to comment.




Definitely not Nimbys says Tory Mayor

Writer's picture: tonymctonymc
2 days ago


With Labour’s new housing targets looming over them, a Tory controlled council has gone into panic mode with the thought of their beautiful country town being overrun with peasants. Justin Case, the Tory Mayor told reporters, Our Town has remained untouched, unsullied for many years thanks to the massively high house prices and a hugely snobbish population and we need to keep it that way.


According to a secret report commissioned by the council, implementing Labour’s plan would involve a huge influx of very unpleasant people, none of whom even have of heard of Light Opera and would probably think The Pirates of Penzance was Johnny Depp’s latest film.


The report says, what these people want, is what they call Chippys, McDonalds Burgers, Betting shops and Pawnbrokers. It insists that with all the additional traffic from the intruders would result in doubling the ten minutes it currently takes to drive to the Golf course and is likely to result in a Nit Infestation in our local schools.


Matilda Shagweed whose family have lived in the town since they invested heavily in Thames Water insists that the townsfolk have nothing against the lower classes, but object to actually living with them. She believes the current system, based on the highly successful Johannesburg Soweto model already works exceedingly well. Help is bussed in, they do their hours and then thankfully go back to their own homes, where ever that is, at the end of the day. She said her Cook who lives a respectful twenty miles away ,has been with her for five years and besides some minor pilfering from the pantry has worked out very well.


The Mayor explained that Labour supporters, who He has publicly labelled as Russian backed Marxists, have put forward suggestions for social housing schemes to be built on what currently are a  disused brickworks and a former cement factory. Luckily, this is already designated as Green Belt Land and the council are currently in talks with Natural England to have both sites designated as Areas of Natural Beauty.


The mayor totally rejects the charge that they are acting like Nimbys, insisting that they are acting purely in defence of the countryside and that no true Englishman wants to look out of his conservatory window to see houses built with tax payers’ money while the value of his own home decreases hour by hour.


To prove their point the Tory council, again after careful consideration, have suggested areas far more suited to the Labour government’s plan, one in Scotland and one in Wales.




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