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NewsBiscuit – the media outlet that brought such scoops as ‘Queen punches Emma Watson’, ‘Dog wins custody of Johnny Depp’ & ‘Piers Morgan beheaded by CNN’.
NewsBiscuit – who warned ‘Hobbits to be culled’, ‘Ducks to become our new Overlords’ and ‘Public told not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal’.
NewsBiscuit - raising delicate issues of faith, such as 'Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™', 'Jedis still outnumber Nuns' and 'Pope fails to give birth'.
NewsBiscuit – the first to reveal ‘Last man to fake Moon walk dies’, ‘Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter’ and the prophetic 'Sex originated in Scotland and will probably end there'.
NewsBiscuit. Not a biscuit. Definitely not news.
Another backdated compilation of NewsBiscuit from befgore the start of time - or shortly after
REVIEWS
W. Shakespeare: ‘If only I’d thought of it first.’
Johannes Gutenberg: ‘It’s what the printing press was invented for.’
Amazon Reviewer: ‘What do you mean I can’t get a refund?’
Lego to Replace Bitcoin makes a great gift for your friends and for yourself
Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-
“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.
"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).
"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.
"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.
First published 30 March 2023
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