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Rachel Reeves to see if taxing the vulnerable will actually cause them all to leave the UK



The current (March 2025) Chancellor of the Exchequer has made the following statement, “We have heard this story so many times, if you raise taxes on certain sections of society, then they will just up and leave the UK and we will lose all their entrepreneurshipness. Yes that is a word. Well, let’s just see if the most vulnerable people in the UK do finally get off their arses and walk the, probably difficulty and painful, walk. There’s plenty of empty small boats strewn around the coast for them to get up and go with. Will they actually back up their empty promises, a subject I am an expert in, by clearing off to Monaco to claim benefits there? Let’s just see if they do stick to their word, no questions on that please, or is it just empty threats trying to hold our benefits system sausage.”


Observers were quite impressed with the uncharacteristic empathy Reeves showed.



Just Stop Oil explains reasons for disbanding



Controversial campaign group Just Stop Oil today explained the reasons for its unexpected decision to disband.


“We’ve been incredibly successful in drawing attention to ourse… I mean, the issues,” said acting chairperson Barnaby de Montfort. “But we now feel our work is done, everyone’s accepted we were right and every government’s adopted our policies.


“It’s definitely not because mummy and daddy say they won’t support me any more unless I get a job.”


“Look, we supported your decision to drop out of Sussex half way through your sociology degree,” said his father Rupert. “Though I suspect it wasn’t really to save the planet so much as because you realised even sociology demands a little work now and then.


“But enough’s enough. We said we’d give you six months to get yourself sorted out and find a job. It’s not our fault you spent them throwing soup at paintings.”


After some sulking, Barnaby agreed to take a job at Greggs in the high street on condition he could have his old room back and mummy would still make him dinner every night, with sustainably sourced fishfingers at least once a week.


“Oh, and could we nip down to Brighton and pick up the rest of my stuff? There’s quite a lot, we’d better take the Volvo estate. So what if it uses a lot of petrol - why would you bring that up now? I hate you, it’s so unfair!”


The statement was also signed by his co-chair Indigo Rumbelow (and I didn’t even need to make that name up).



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