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Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod



Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish.


Britain’s treasured perimeter suffered a breach yesterday when dozens of illegal migrants surged through Kent under cover of darkness after being warmly welcomed onto land inside a big fat wooden chippy fish.


Border Force Operative, Charlie Harris explained: “We picked up a signal on radar that a huge craft was floating on the surface of the Channel towards Kent, but after investigation it was dismissed a just massive Cod having a nosey above water. Nothing unusual there.


“Then when it beached we was all ‘Crikey! It’s a gift from the French, or Neptune, or it’s broken free from Elton John’s place’, something like that. So we winched it up onto dry land and left it there. Marvellous specimen it was, an Arcto-Norwegian variety, if I’m not mistaken. There were more than a few selfies taken, I can tell you.


“In the morning it looked like it had been to a fishmonger lumberjack, it was split wide open. We didn’t know what to do. A few of us went inside in amongst the food wrappers and nappies and pretended we was Jonah. Oh, and we strapped Phil Snodd to the side like Captain Ahab in Moby Dick and did a TikTok, he was not happy about that.


“Then someone said there was multiple sightings of illegals in the area carrying oars and we put two and two together. I should have guessed the fish was dodgy as the Arcto-Norwegian Cod prefers the much colder North Atlantic waters and rarely travels this far south.


“It’s taught us at Border Force a mighty lesson, in the future if we detect an enormous wooden fish floating our way, before we drag it ashore we'll definitely check to see if anyone's riding on its back.”




Hitler may have read Mein Kampf



The Trump government has drawn up a list of radical literature that must be banned or at the very least rendered in crayon so the President can read it. His spokeswoman explained why Mein Kampf was on the list: 'We don't know who wrote it. But we do believe Hitler read it. He was clearly influenced by it or, at very least, the Spark Notes.


'What we do know, is that it was a bad book, meant for bad people and nowhere near has good as Trump: The Art of the Deal, available for $9.99, at all good retail outlets.


Maybe the author wrote more - we don't know. What? He's dead? Shot? Jeez everyone's a critic. Goddamn cancel culture.'




Elon Musk to investigate who blocked Mike Waltz’s toilet



White House officials have said they will set ‘the best technical minds’ they have on investigating an embarrassing blockage in the National Security Advisor’s crapper.


‘I take full responsibility but I don’t know how it got in there’ explained Waltz at a hastily convened press conference, where he appeared to be wielding a plunger and was dressed in damp overalls.


The toilet facility commissioned and maintained by Mr. Waltz, in Mr. Watlz’s office for his own personal use suffered a significant malfunction or ‘code-brown’ earlier this week, leaving the Trump administration both red-faced and scratching their ar…heads over who is to blame.


‘He’s doing a big job’ said the President on Thursday of Waltz, ‘the biggest job in fact; they say his jobs are the biggest actually, so maybe there’s a glitch with the plumbing, Mexican plumbing I heard....maybe we could get some bleach in there, you know?’


Historical reenactor Musk tweeted that he’d get to the bottom of the matter as soon as possible, though the DOGE team originally assigned to the task had accidentally fired themselves this morning.




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