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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month February 2025

Updated: Mar 1



Deskpilot has continued beating all in sight, with Front Pages, NiBs a mere 21 headlines, a feature and a hat tip to boot. In line with the Wren rule (Deskpilot will be sick of that rule) that says you can't win WOTM two months on the bounce this month's virtual mug goes eppursimuove, who has just beaten Nicka and Tonymc by a small margin. Well done all round. As usual the full list of links are listed below the leaderboard, which precedes the announcement of the Cartoon of the month, which itself precedes the full list of headlines this month.







Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay





Chipchase



ChrisF



Deskpilot













Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove












ian searle



James_Doc



jeremynh






Jim Skinz





McDabble




Modelmaker



Nicka











PaulD



Sarah Tipper



StevB






Stewartbarclay





Sully



tacitus




Throngsman





Titus






Tonymc








Will



Wrenfoe











Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw for The Madness of 'king Donnie


Headlines


bigbadbob    

 

Busy bakery makes a good turnover

Ice hockey breaks out during US-Canada fight

Peppa’s Mummy Pig to have baby, Daddy Pig to have vasectomy

Sri Lankan power outage blamed on black crispy monkey


billclay  

          

Secret Service Agent thinks they might take a punch for the President, definitely not a bullet

USA now a first world problem


Deskpilot       


Actually, we do have free speech, you wanker

Average age of Young Conservatives is 58

Catering for cannibals? Try finger food

Confused primary school teacher 'all at sixes and sevens'

Health benefits of low fat milk 'skimmed over'

Highways expert admits wiggly road markings are 'unparalleled'

Hopeless weatherman hasn't got the foggiest

New low as Trump claims Ukraine caused Covid

No shot in the arm from AstraZeneca

Philatelist returns to his old stamping ground

Physicists resolve ice/water conflict with two state solution

Poorly performing butcher gets the chop

Pope springs eternal?

Rachel Reeves proposes new Defence Levy - definitely not a tax

Retiring arsonist passes the torch

Santander leaving the UK to get away from Ant & Dec

Singing groundsman is pitch perfect

Surrey Council charging visitors ten quid to view the Godstone sinkhole

Time travelling villain detained in the nick of time

Trump to make millions selling his own earwax

Trump won't accept birth in Gaza as proof of citizenship


Docholiday    


Corrupt Marionette gets off when lawyer pulls a few strings

Pilot searches for lost data in the cloud


FlashArry    

    

Opponents of Trump form 'Axis of Sanity'


Granger       

    

Heaven takes Flack

Spies tell lies - shock revelation!

Trump assassins rethink after hearing Vance

We were lucky to get nil, says Welsh captain


hokeyloci      

 

Westminster pub stops giving out free pint every time Labour scores own goal


hughdwink     


NASA Research: Earth wobbling significantly on axis. US obesity epidemic to blame

Trump affirms that all his cabinet nominees have reached puberty

Trump blames bird flu on birds and flu


ian searle    

   

The number of people taking trains this year has risen... British Transport Police are livid!

Trump confirms no tariffs on Vodka or Caviar


Jack the Quipper     

  

Silent Jamiroquai album outsells all previous albums put together


james_doc    

 

Eurasian Lynx found to smell better than Lynx Africa


jeremynh  

      

Bookie crushed by huge pile of betting slips had the odds stacked against him

Horse with colic now in stable condition


jim Skinz  

       

Amazon's first 007 movie to be called On Her Majesty's Secret Safe Place

NHS launches AI medical service: ChatGP


MADJEZ           


BBC apologises for persisting with calling Russell Brand a comedian


mcdabble   

   

Liberal America Cancelled

Man arrested for stalking AI generated virtual pop singer

Man unsure if he should be in Imposter Syndrome workshop

Property developer sees great opportunity in Gaza

Sinkhole repair cost to come from levelling-up funds

UK cuts aid to Ukraine to afford more aid for Ukraine

UK politicians want to re-join EU 'Coz they have nukes'

We've got several great concessions, says Trump ... to give Putin

micca Felon talks to war criminal


Mick Turate    


Picts to be re-introduced into Scotland in latest rewilding project


Modelmaker  


Brothers deny assaulting police boots with their heads at airport

Faint praise for outright winner of passing out competition

Fat Club founder dies from malnutrition

Gromit 'devastated' as Feathers McGraw wins best actor BAFTA in Vengeance Most Fowl

Starmer told "get more views on your YouTube channel by getting Larry the Cat to do stuff on it"

SW London news: Survey reveals that people born in Barnes tend to leave doors open

Wes Streeting says Tory's artificial testicle replacement scheme was shambolic


MrQ   

 

Couple unhappy after cowboy builders convert loft into a saloon

Fat athletes to compete at the Ozempics

Increasing tension between Bomb Squad and Bomb Disposal Squad

Local man hailed for driving a taxi

Man condemned for throwing tennis balls for guide dogs

Man's cold goes viral

Rubbish crisis as bin men insist on working from home

Stricter criteria for weight loss jab to include actually being overweight

Swiss Army still working on a gun

Tourist flabbergasted at how many Londoners drive tractors

Trump burps but quickly pardons himself

Zebras warned crossings will be scrapped if they don't start using them


Oshaughnessy  

         

Sir Jim Ratcliffe sells off Man United goalposts and replaces them with jumpers


rogerg 


Cheese prices rising across the board


ron caweleyoni  

        

Amazon replace 007's Aston Martin with a Mercedes Sprinter Van

Starmer rehearses conversation with Trump by talking to a hand

Tonight on The Donald Trump Show my guest is……


sinnick      

      

Trump keeps election promise to stop all wars, by bombing Somalia. Huh?


Sketchly        

  

Tool thefts on the rise. In other news, Prime Minister goes missing


SteveB 


Magalomaniacs

'We welcome change' say Bishops preaching from same book for 400 years

Word of the year 2025 is 'Brejoin'


stewartbarclay      

     

Barclays Bank: 'That money was just resting in our account'


Titus   


70 yo murderer 'Will serve 21 yrs in prison'. Doctors impressed by skill of prison medical staff

MAGA: Make All Gaza American

Social media site to charge extra for free speech

Starmer willing to send troops to Ukraine. Even British ones


tonymc 

           

Admiral, Air Chief Marshall and General Princess Anne unlikely to be deployed to Ukraine says Starmer

Conservatives complain Starmer deliberately distracting Kemi with his latest package

JD Vance questions Elon Musk's recently discovered Florida Birth Certificate

New records show Jeremy Corbyn involved in JFK shooting says Daily Mail


will      


New White House glory hole fitted for Starmer's arrival




Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal


Officials are in despair and believe that a US-UK trade deal cannot now be saved.


Negotiations had been progressing, but had become increasingly difficult.


UK negotiators have explained that local food standards, while fairly lax, did not allow food companies to kill their customers quickly, although ill effects were allowed to accumulate over many years. They cited beer, tuna laced with mercury, and greasy food as examples.


The US negotiators accused the Brits of being very namby-pamby and nanny state about over the counter drugs. They championed the American system in which you can buy all the drugs you can afford in any pharmacy, and in which antibiotic resistance is just god’s way of telling you to invent new and even more expensive drugs.


These issues, and many others, had been chewed over and compromises found.  However, at the eleventh hour, the US side had demanded - as part of the deal - presidential access to former page 3 girl Sam Fox. The president seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to Sam Fox after seeing copies of The Sun on visits to Scotland.   He subsequently acquired a full set of back issues and keeps his favourite pictures in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.


British negotiators fear that the Sam Fox issue is a deal breaker and a condition on which they cannot deliver.


A spokesman said, 'The US side clearly expects Sam Fox to look exactly the same as she did 40 years ago. But us Brits have never had the same enthusiasm as the Yanks for cosmetic surgery. Even if we could provide presidential access to a naturally aged Sam Fox, we are worried that the President might feel that he'd been fobbed off. And no-one, not even Samantha Fox, wants to fob off a US President.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Dr Who regeneration plot line part of the NHS’ long term plan.




Staff recruitment shortages will be filled with tenuous plot devices and an endless supply of Dr. Who’s and their companions. The Government has said it will also look into the feasibility of accessing the Fountain of Youth and an 18th level healing Cleric from Dungeons & Dragons™.


The Health Minister said: ‘We’ll plug these gaps with Deus ex machina. Kingsfoil from Lord of the Rings. DNA from Captain Scarlet. Even Unicorn’s blood at a pinch. In a fictional multiverse replete with all manner of cures, why do we need to fund the NHS?  I saw a documentary where this Doctor chappy regenerated into a girly Doctor – and at no expense to the taxpayer. Can’t we just do that?’






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