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In a new cost-cutting measure, it was announced today that the police service will be disbanded and replaced by an email autoresponder.
'We’ve been paving the way for this for years,” said a spokesman today. “You report a burglary via a website, you get an email giving you a crime number, and then literally nothing else happens. By now, no one in their wildest dreams imagines a copper will actually come to their house to take a statement or dust for fingerprints, let alone that their property will ever be recovered.
'The email will include a link to Victim Support, though obviously it’ll be provided by AI rather than an actual person. You’ll be asked how much the crime has upset you on a scale of 1-10, then the system will respond with the appropriate level of transparently fake sympathy.'
However, some have objected that while this might be OK for trivial crimes like burglary and assault, it’s entirely inappropriate for serious crimes like sexist language and refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns.
'We, as a nation, make a solemn promise never to allow a genocide - unless we start it. Never will we permit a people to be persecuted in the name of religion or ethnicity - excluding non-whites that talk funny.
'We give thanks to all those who liberated Auschwitz - but not the Russians. We remember all the survivors - all except the left wing ones. And all Nazis will be persecuted - unless they can help us build bombs, run our corporations or give cheeky salutes on TV.
'We will uphold international law - almost never. Protect children - rarely. And use Holocaust Memorial events as a photo opportunity - every f$ckin time.'
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