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In a briefing today at the White House, President Donald Trump, announced one of the central planks of new legislation he is to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.


‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases, rambled the at times completely incoherent president.  'A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened with having to listen to evidence. That's a bad system. It's the worst. People say that.


'Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they do is flood the court with their buddies. Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will simply ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.


‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough attendees, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty.'




The Environment Secretary dismissed concerns of melting pandas: 'If God had not meant us to frack, he wouldn't have given us shareholders.  We need environmental laws, like a whale needs a hole in the head.'


Tucking into a feast of chlorinated Quagga and Woolly Rhinoceros kebab, he sad everything was fine: 'Metaphorically people are just chasing Unicorns. Which is just as well, as we ate the last one.  To be honest, we've got all the time in the world. Two weeks to be exact.'




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