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The White House had egg on its face today when it was announced that President Trump had bought British frozen food retailer Iceland, having confused it with the country of the same name.
'I guess I should have seen this coming,' said special adviser Hymie Braskowitz. 'He often says ‘Iceland’ when he means ‘Greenland.' I tried to correct him once, but he insisted they’re the same place, and ‘Iceland’ is just a nickname the inhabitants gave it ‘because it’s cold there.
'All the same, I was poleaxed when I came into the office this morning and found him grinning behind his desk, claiming he’d bought it. A few frantic phone calls later, I realised what he’d bought was some British frozen food chain.
'The problem is getting him to accept that. I know if I give him news he doesn’t like, by the end of the day I’ll be just another former Trump staffer with a book to sell. So for the moment at least, I’m just nodding and smiling, and the orange baboon thinks he owns a large island in the North Atlantic. Even if he’s not quite sure which one.'
Meanwhile senior management at the frozen food retailer are waiting anxiously to see what changes their new owner intends to make. Some of them have tentatively suggested producing a line of red baseball caps with the slogan “Make Iceland Bejam Again”.
Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.
‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.
Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.
Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.
Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.
In other news, man, this is really good shit.
Photo by Pierre Blaché on Unsplash
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