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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
2 days ago

Care Home virus deaths recorded as alien abductions.




It transpires that the UK government has been suppressing Coronavirus mortality rates by ignoring non-hospital deaths and passing them off as the work of extra-terrestrial kidnappers.


Said one bereaved relative: ‘I got a call from the Home that mother was not dead but had simply gone to live on a farm’. The policy is called ‘Schrödinger's Care Home’, whereby residents are simultaneously deceased but also technically on a Saga cruise holiday.








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Writer's pictureThrongsman
2 days ago

Finite number of monkeys still good for Mrs Browns Boys scripts

Australian mathematical researchers have dismissed the adage that an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinitely long time would write the complete works of Shakespeare.  They point out that an infinite number of monkeys isn't plausible at any given time, and the universe is very much likely to have a finite lifetime.  They have, usefully, calculated that any given monkey is unlikely to type the word 'banana' within its own finite life.


Undeterred a spokesperson for the Mrs Brown's Boys TV show has defended the decision to utilise three monkeys for two days a week to generate a script.  'It's worked for the last thirteen years', and notwithstanding the fine calculations of the mathematicians would continue in the same way going forward.  'They may know about maths, but what do they know about writing humour?' he asked.  It turns out he was referring to the monkeys.




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