top of page

The Transport Secretary made it clear she was resigning on a point of whimsy rather than principal. 'Yes, I could have quit over all the warmongering, corruption, abuse of the elderly and vulnerable, but that would have seen like an admission of guilt. This way I get to do a 'sorry, not sorry' farewell and I'll be back in the Cabinet faster than a tramp on chips!'


This is the first high profile resignation from the Starmer government, if you ignore the sense of resignation felt by the electorate. Yet, it is not the first time Labour has had to apologise for something they did not do, their manifesto being a case in point. Said one voter: 'Why delay the inevitable? Eventually every Minister has to resign due to a sex or money scandal. It's like a. political bikini wax. Nobody wants it but you might as well get it over quickly.'


Others have criticised her for playing her 'get out of jail' card too early.


Resigning now cannot protect you later, particularly if you get chummy with an international sex trafficker - just ask Peter Mandelson. Obviously don't ask Mr. Mandelson, directly. He has lawyers.


Image: Wix AI



Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.


'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.


Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.


'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.


Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.



First published 29 Nov 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page