top of page
Search
In a rare joint public statement, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have endorsed Donald Trump for president of the United States. ‘While we regret that neither candidate has fully embraced our program of dystopian global end-times horror, we feel that Donald Trump is measurably more likely to advance our cause than Kamala Harris,’ the statement said. It was signed by ‘Messrs. Conquest, Death, Famine, and War.’ Observers believe this to be the Horsemen’s first public endorsement of a political figure since their backing of Ugandan dictatorial madman Idi Amin during his 1971 coup.
Sources close to the Horsemen said the Trump endorsement almost never came about. ‘You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get these wankers to cooperate,’ said one Apocalypse insider who requested anonymity to discuss sensitive internal discussions. ‘It was really Death’s idea to begin with: He saw that Trump planned to put RFK, Jr. in charge of America’s health care system and frankly started salivating.’ But the other Horsemen were slow to embrace the idea. ‘War was the biggest obstacle,’ the source said. ‘He’s having a great old time in Gaza and Lebanon, and felt it would be unwise to, as he put it, change horses midstream.’
Death eventually brought Conquest onside by persuading him that a Trump administration would likely annex much of Mexico and perhaps even ‘the pleasant bits’ of Canada. The prospect that loose environmental regulations might lead to the poisoning of the American food supply ultimately led Famine to throw in his lot with the plan. These three then spent weeks trying to get War to make it unanimous. ‘After all,’ explained the insider, ‘an apocalypse without war wouldn’t be very box office, would it?’
What seemed to finally bring War to the table was the possibility of massive societal breakdown in the United States leading to decades of bloody internecine strife. ‘At the end of the day, War was civil about it,’ the insider conceded.
The Trump and Harris campaigns could not be reached for comment.
Image: GoranH - Pixabay
bottom of page