Assisted Dying Bill 'a sly way to get rid of House of Lords'

Westminster insiders have suggested that the Assisted Dying Bill, which the House of Commons just voted in favour of, is in fact a sly way to get rid of the House of Lords.

'There's a provision that the subject must be no more than 6 months from dying - well, that should cover about 90% of them,' said the spokesman today. 'And of course, they have to be ill - but dementia would count, surely?

'Also a High Court judge has to sign off on it. But as long as we pick one who isn't in the Lords himself, I'm sure he'll be glad to get rid of a few rivals.'

Of course, to become law the bill will also have to pass the Lords, which might cause some problems.

'We'll have to hope they don't realise it's directed at them. Or just make sure it's not debated the same day as hunting, shooting or fishing, so hardly any of them turn up.'

Image: Yaopey Yong (@yaopey) | Unsplash Photo Community

Universal Credit is ‘bloody brilliant!’.

Everyone is in complete agreement that the Government’s flagship welfare system is an unrivalled success and not a ‘multitudinous f$ck-knot’. It has broken all previous efficiency records previously held by Southern Rail and the Chuckle Brothers, while promising to be just a popular as Hepatitis C.

So attractive is this payment system that many of the public have chosen to forego their zero-hour job for the joys of rough-sleeping and the taste of rat.  Said one claimant: ‘I just don’t know what to do with all this extra cash - refuel my Lear Jet or buy another Rolex?  It’s amazing how far 73p a week will stretch.’

Other claimants attest to receiving windfall payments of up two to three pounds and ‘all the turnips they can carry’. Historians are already saying that this is Britain’s greatest achievement alongside the Great Fire of London and the birth of James Corden.

Even to the most cynical, Universal Credit is as auspicious as filling the Hindenburg with hydrogen, the surveyor’s report of the Tower of Pisa and not installing Satnav on the Titanic.  A friend of Iain Duncan Smith, architect of the system, said: ‘Iain would like to take credit for the success – but unfortunately his credit has been reduced by 30%, delayed and then redistributed to a hedge fund manager from Slough.’

www.newsbiscuit.com

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VAR to be introduced for elections

Following a record-breaking(ly stupid) petition calling for Britain’s 2024 general election to be rerun, it has been suggested that all future elections be subject to VAR.

The system, introduced in Premier League football a few years ago, has proved a joy killer, resulting in fans no longer celebrating when their team scores as they know it may be overturned. The nation waits with a sense of impending doom to see the same idea applied to something already as utterly joyless as a general election.

The other complaint about VAR, that it doesn’t really make decisions less subjective because the people reviewing the video footage are also human, may also apply here. For example, it’s been asked exactly what might cause VAR to declare an election result invalid and demand it be rerun.

'Well, for example, if the losing side said the winners had lied and their supporters were stupid to believe them,' said one proponent of the plan, before realising that happens at literally every election (and referendum).

In short, it’s an expensive, poorly thought through distraction from the real issues that will make worse the very problem it claims to solve. So it’s almost certain to be given the go ahead.

'All that remains is to find a company with no relevant experience or technology (but owned by a major party donor) to give the contract to.'

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay