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7th day. Knackered after creating heavens and earth. Feel like fool - forgot omnipotent deity can give Himself 5-day week.
Added new attraction to Garden of Eden theme park: "Meet serpent who gives dietary advice."
Maybe went too far with Great Flood. Facing huge water bill plus possible genocide charges.
Sodom just asking for fire and brimstone treatment - who names their town after anal sex act?
3rd degree burns. Good thing Moses had bucket of water handy. What made me think hiding in burning bush was good idea?
Egyptxit. Chosen people finally let go. Pharaohs sure slow to take hint: gnats, boils, locusts, death of firstborn. Was about to try breakfast TV on them.
Red Sea parted. God: 1. Laws of physics: 0.
Israelites reach Promised Land. Will move in some Palestinians just to keep things interesting.
Giving it to Job good and hard. Keeps saying "Blessed be the name of the Lord!" Think I've just invented sadomasochism.
Much hassle from Monopolies Commission. Hope they fall for "three persons in one God" trick.
Amid intense speculation, a portrait of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has been removed from Number 10, Downing Street.
Following forensic investigation, it has emerged that the pearl necklace she wears in the painting was not created by the original artist. DNA profiling has revealed that the creator of the pearl necklace is one Alexander de Pfeffel Boris Spaffer Johnson.
'I recall a period of intense work that Mr Johnson did on that piece in his bedroom,' confirmed the Keeper of The House. There was more partying at Downing Street than the public were ever made aware of.
'Judging by the amount of grunting late into the night, my strong suspicion is that further DNA tests will uncover the identities of other Cabinet members. Jacob Rees-Mogg certainly made his own attempt at besmirching The Queen.
'At this moment it is unclear who might be responsible for the appearance of a 'Dirty Sanchez' on Tony Blair. That would require further analysis. But I don't think Liz Truss had the time or the ability.'
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