Hopkins splits from Mail due to ‘artistic differences’.

Broadcaster and professional bear-baiter, Katie Hopkins has left the MailOnline in order to spend more time with her family of winged monkeys and her nagging sense of self-loathing. 

At times a controversial figure, Hopkins has stridently insisted that that Brexit means Brexit and that The Rapture means The Rapture. Her agent promised that Katie would still spread joy through her love of immigration control. Her solo venture would feature family values like McCarthyism, Lovecraftian horror and colon cancer.

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Darth Vader returns to helping children cross road with Bristolian accent

.

Plan to reduce prison population by making it legal to nick stuff only wealthy people can afford

An ingenious plan to reduce the number of prisoners incarcerated in British jails has been suggested, whereby it would become perfectly legal to steal goods that only wealthy people own.

A minister explained to Newsbiscuit that it costs in the region of £50K per annum to keep the average scroat in prison, but that money has to come from people who actually pay tax, so it's only the poor who pay for prisons.

“There’s no way we can justify keeping people in prison for stealing from the rich when pensioners have to go without their winter fuel allowance. It isn’t as though Britain benefits from the wealthy buying expensive goods, because they’re all manufactured abroad these days.

"It might be a different matter if the wealthy paid tax and could justify why the state should protect their assets, but until they do, it’s more important we keep prison places available to keep right-wing rioters off the streets.

"The Tories won’t be happy about this, but who cares now they are out of power and unlikely to return in the foreseeable future? Naturally it will remain a crime to steal ZIL-4104s or Trabants and Moscovitches, but we don’t anticipate their owners will report such thefts.

"To tell the truth, if it helps deter wankers from buying Range Rovers, that will be a plus too.”

Image: Desertrose7 - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com