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‘If only I’d thought to use a wheelchair’ Weinstein tells George Bush Snr.




Having apologised for sexual assault, the former President has been applauded for the dignified and statesmen-like manner with which he goosed an actress. As experts will attest, there is a sweet spot for being a vilified sex offender. Early 20s is far too young.  Eighty-plus is too implausible, but 40-70 is in the ‘pervert zone’. Old enough to know better, but still mobile. At 93, the wheelchair-bound, ex-President could easily be fended off by a stern word or by the use of stairs.


No longer covered by Presidential immunity, George Bush Snr. has been forced to apply for ‘dirty, old bastard’ amnesty.  Explained a legal spokesman: ‘It’s like being a Nazi Commandant. Yes, you’re abhorrent at the time, but as the years tick by, there comes a point where you look like Santa. And who wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s knee...while he gropes you’. Said his spokesman: ‘Please remember that President Bush suffers from a form of Parkinson's disease. Cecil Parkinson that is.’





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'Don't bring me down' says artificial pillow stuffer



The fallout from a routine bedclothes replacement exercise has left several traumatised.


Husband and wife team Adam and Niamh were engaged in their weekly stripping exercise in the bedroom. The special manoeuvre did not go as hoped, and some were dismayed at how quickly things turned to sheet.


Witnesses lurking on the stairs described what they heard. Olivia, aged 9, said, 'There was quite a lot of sighing and some grunting sounds. But I don't think they were doing it right. At one point I clearly recognised the words "get inside, grab my ears, and stuff it right in the corners".'


Holly, aged 7, added, 'It was all a bit muffled in loud whispers. There was no doubt about "don't go soft on me... tuck it in properly this time". But then I thought I heard "I don't like it when you do it and I can see the dog".'


'Maybe it was tog instead of dog?' interjected Olivia.


'Oh yes, that makes more sense. We don't have a dog. They must have been doing it toggy-style.'


Olivia concluded, 'Anyway, they emerged from the bedroom flushed, with their hair in a mess, and looking rather... erm... quilty. Mummy turned to daddy and said, "I told you to cushion the blow". I suspect some sort of cover-up. And I don't think we can be expecting a baby sister any time soon, if you know what I mean.'




Hat tips to Titus and lockjaw



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