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'We really resent these allegations that we're no better than the Tories,' said a Downing Street spokes-angel, addressing reporters with a look of wounded innocence on its wondrous face.
'Conservative Prime Ministers took freebies from millionaire donors because they were disgustingly venal and degenerate' the minister of God continued. 'The current PM, on the other hand, took freebies from a millionaire donor because he is so utterly childlike and naive in the ways of the world.
'It would never occur to someone as good as Keir 'Woolly Lambkins' Starmer that anything he did might possibly be bad.
'To the pure, everything is pure.
'The same goes for our saintly chancellor cancelling winter fuel allowances for most of Britain's elderly so she could save a few bob for the Treasury.
'She's so sweet-natured that she'd never have done anything this mean, had it not been for the wicked bastard putrid Tory scum forcing her into it.'
After this, Downing Street press officers ushered reporters into the back garden of Number Ten to see all the cherubim and seraphim in the Labour cabinet cast down their golden crowns and sing 'Holy! Holy! Holy!' in praise of themselves.
Picture credit: Wix AI
Matt Hancock has said that he is confident that he can meet the respiratory needs of British patients – provided they don’t mind using a party-blower, with a feather on the end. Virus sufferers will be strapped to a series of breathing apparatus; including balloons, whoopee cushions, and of course, an inflatable sheep.
Hancock’s initial preference was for the final death rattle to be accompanied with a ‘wah wah wah’ – but the trombones were just too cumbersome. Instead, as grandpa breathes his final breathe, the atmosphere will be lightened with a short comic interlude on the kazoo.
A Health Official explained: ‘We were looking for a cheaper, more portable alternative to a ventilator – and ideally something that can fit in a party bag. One suggestion was to use bagpipes, with Dyson promising to produce 20,000 bagless bagpipes – which kind of defeated the point.’
ICUs will be fitted with ‘state of the art’ kazoos, with nothing but the finest in paper/comb technologies. ‘Admittedly you won’t survive long on a kazoo, but what little time you have left will be hilarious – we call it Hancock’s Half Hour.’
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