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Writer's pictureThrongsman
Sep 30

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month September 2024



Deskpilot has won the monthly crown again, closely pursued by eppursimuove, Doctor Chutney, Wren and last month's winner SteveB. As usual the cartoon of the month is linked to below and all the headlines published this month as well.





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Chipchase




Chrisf





DavidH



Deskpilot





Doctor Chutney







eppursimuove













FlashArry



Hokeyloki



ian searle



jeremynh








Lockjaw



mcdabble



Modelmaker





Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



Not Titus



PaulD



Robowurzel



scribbles




SteveB









Stewartbarclay




Sully





Sydalg



tacitus







Throngsman





Titus




Wrenfoe












Cartoon of the month goes to Modelmaker with First day at school

Headlines


apepper        

     

Donor who paid for Boris Johnson's clothes pleads to be kept anonymous

Fury as England manager won't sing "two world wars and one world cup" before German international

Harrods to receive Royal Warrant from Prince Andrew

Inventor of rear view mirror looks back on his career


Ashbery    

         

NASA: stranded astronauts exposed to Van Allen radiation belt "unlikely" to possess superpowers


benvoleo 

          

Paddington retired after meeting Queen says Beefeater hatter


billclay 


Kuenssberg allows Labour just one more week to use public finances black hole excuse


Deskpilot      

     

' ' goes without saying

All GCSE students to get £20k accommodation grant

Busy taxidermist is working at full pelt

Choking is often caused by going down the wrong way

Defeated snooker player chalks it up to experience

Exhausted electrician is spark out

Grimy coal miner longs for a clean break

Hacked railway departure board more accurate than the real one

Joe Biden 'assassination attempt' just an accident with a stapler

Keir explains what's at the end of the tunnel: it's Europe

More Labour MPs admit to a accepting free Y fronts

Nail biting finish at World Anxiety Awards

New hospital ratings: Poor, Inadequate, Shameful, Broken

NHS launches smear campaign

NHS reform: all forms to be redesigned

Ofsted one word grading system 'inadequate'

Photo of arable farm may have been cropped

Prince Andrew's summer hols: St Helena then Elba

Priti Patel enters Reform leadership contest

Retired army electrician joins the Ohm Guard

Somerset apple farm suffers cyder attack

Steeplejack is always up for it

Train strikes end. Rail service still sh!t

Trump: on the whole I'd rather not be in Philadelphia

University goes bust after spending all its funding in the first week of term


Dick Everyman  


French mushroom farmer voted World Champignon


Doctor Chutney 


Couch potatoes take heart as space 'walk' only means sticking your head out of the window

Jailed Van Gogh vandals were from Just Stop Oils

Jay Blades brings damaged reputation to The Repair Shop

Lana Del Rey and alligator tour guide wedding snaps

Released prisoners without tags. Priceless!

Starmer - the gift that keeps on receiving

Westminster R.S.P.C.A. to investigate snouts still stuck in the trough


eppursimuove   


Activists throw sunflowers at Warhol’s painting of tins of soup


Granger


Patel not sitting priti.


Hokeyloki         

 

GWR running trains instead of buses this weekend

Portsmouth harbouring Hezbollah terrorists, says Southampton

Torbay Ramblers to change name from Walkie Torquay


ian searle      

    

Avafondle & Clutch

Drone operator charged with controlling behaviour

Happy 50th Birthday Ceef..... PAGE LOADING

Lifeguard Training School goes bust. Auditors say there were a lot of 'red flags'

Reform UK conference just like a Trump rally, but without the sniper

Starmer calls for a ceasefire in Lesbian


jeremynh   

        

Cackling Mossad agents put itching powder in Hezbollah socks


jim Skinz       

     

Cockermouth to host UK fellatio championships

Football stadium architect admits he's lost the dressing room

Oasis tell disappointed Cambodian fans: Don't look back in Angkor

Secretive Lancashire group complain "It's like Blackpool illuminati in here"

Starmer asks wife to play hide the hostage


Joe     

  

Customs huge epilepsy medication seizure

Germany has gone so far right, it's now in Poland

Largest Chemical Factory in England has toxic atmosphere

Supermoon revealed to be normal moon that's not wearing glasses

Tax evasion takes Shein off


Jonnyjp


If being racist makes me racist then I'm racist, says racist


Lockjaw


AlliBnB


mcdabble  

        

All UK housebuilders in danger of collapse, says survey

Barnsley council ensures their bus company succeeds by making all roads into bus lanes

Dictionary defines 'So' as 'Erm' for the more intelligent speaker

Govt Abandons Hole Idea

Harvey Weinstein has heart surgery: to put one in

Insect-based food creates buzz

Joy in Brexit camp as Barnier annoys French just as much

Met Office say coolest Summer since 2015 nothing to do with Oasis

Starmer's plan to fix the economy: More politics


Modelmaker     


Dentists' Union told to stop advocating "One out, all out" policy

Nuneaton restaurant closes after first week

Sturgeon attempted to gift Starmer a motorhome before she stood down as SNP leader


MrQ    

 

Arthur Pint accused of being a lightweight

M25: Same car at both front and back of 117 miles of traffic

Outrage as man calls a spade something else

Road Closure: The M1 was closed yesterday due to an accident. They were supposed to close the M11

Wall's offer to sponsor next Labour Party conference


PaulD   


Gallagher brothers reunite to create world's longest eyebrow


PaulL    


Planned trip to Keswick Pencil Museum confirmed


robowurzel   

    

Origami Monthly magazine folds after first issue


Rowly   


Corbyn proposes £350 autumn cooling off payment for pensioners

ISS astronauts complain to Ofcom, they can't even get 1G

Prisoners stage a "lock in" as protest to overcrowding


Scribbles       

     

Dame Maggie Stiff

Explosion in chicken coop: farmer left with egg on his face

Globetrotting stamp collector says philately gets him everywhere

lens grinding machine has made a spectacle of himself

Man addicted to laxatives is diagnosed with Ass-purger’s syndrome

Swiss clinic opens for suicidal donkeys – Dignitass


Sketchly      

       

Adamant not to u-turn, Starmer considers turning left and left again

Chicken about to cross the road invites hedgehog to be his flat-mate

Chinese navy to introduce the nuclear pedalo

OAP protest at Downing St fails as they’re all still waiting for a bus

Second assassination attempt on Trump was absolutely most definitely not a plan to boost his ratings


SteveB


Darth Vader returns to helping children cross road with Bristolian accent

Dog on commission to sniff out treasure didn't get a cent

Group hug request with King Charles was to avoid shaking that hand

Surprising French edible sexy underwear shop called Boo! Lingerie

Wife who suffocated husband with duvet pleads 'not quilty'


Stewartbarclay


Donald Grump


tacitus  


Sausages deny links to Gaza


Titus     


Noise at door of spacecraft found to be Jehovah's Witnesses

Schools to ban pagers as well as phones

Springfield - Santa's Little Helper still hiding from hungry immigrants

'Washing Weekly' only available on-line


eppursimuove
Sep 30

Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one


Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.


'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'


'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.


'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.


'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.


Image: WixAI

tacitus
Sep 30

Man City Settle Premier League Case for £100



In a shocking yet entirely expected development, Manchester City football club have settled all 115 of its alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations for a £100 payment to the league and a promise to establish a community service initiative. At a hastily arranged press conference, a balaclava-clad spokesperson for the Premier League mumbled incoherently for approximately twelve seconds before fleeing.


A Man City representative then took the podium to express quiet satisfaction at the outcome of the case. ‘City Football Club are relieved that the recent unpleasantness is now concluded and that all fans can unite around Abu Dh... er … City in the side’s pursuit of further glory.’ City’s X feed was less circumspect, with a statement posted there repeating the phrase 'WE WON!!' 115 times.


The community service initiative will, according to a Club statement, involve the establishment of a program to help little old ladies cross busy streets in Premier League cities. City have promised to use the initiative to help ‘at least five’ elderly women. Ladies wishing assistance will need to complete a detailed online application form and submit a £200 non-refundable registration fee.


Reaction to the initiative among Premier League fans was mixed. When asked whether she planned to take advantage of it, Emma, 85, responded with a lengthy and colourful string of unprintable invective. Agnes, 79, took a more nuanced view. ‘I don’t need help crossing the street,’ she said, ‘but if someone wants to shove a United fan into traffic, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep.’


Image: WixAI

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