Labour to set up mugging squads to boost public finances

"Some people may object to having their cash confiscated at knife point," said a masked Treasury spokes-robber in a public information broadcast, "but you all want better public services without paying any more tax, so you've left this Labour government with very little choice about how to balance the books.

"Starting from midnight tonight, specially-trained civil servants will be lurking in alleyways throughout the UK, armed with Stanley knives and wearing balaclavas, to snatch supplementary taxes from random passers-by.

"The biggest challenge we had was to teach these paper-pushers to scarper with the loot rather than ask their victims to fill out financial release forms in triplicate.

"You are forbidden to resist being mugged by His Majesty's Tax Assailants, or let your dog bite them on the backside.

"You may consider this an inhumane way for Labour to levy extra revenue, but we say it's social justice in action. People rich enough to walk around with money in their pockets will have to hand it over. The stony broke will be exempt.

"And don't forget that proceeds from this imaginative scheme will go to the NHS - which some of you will be needing after we've mugged you.

"Besides, how can you stop us?" sneered the spokes-Starmerist. "We're in charge for the next five years and we'll do whatever we like to you."

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Swiss clinic opens for suicidal donkeys – Dignitass

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Scientists turn James Webb Space Telescope on Labour’s black hole

Following the discovery of a black hole at the Treasury by Chancellor Rachel Reeves, the James Webb Space Telescope has now been repositioned in an effort to study this fiscal phenomenon more closely.

N.A.S.A. spokesperson Jane Franklyn told us, “This is the telescope that discovered CEERS 1019, a supermassive black hole that existed just over 570 million years after the big bang. Now we are focussed on 1 HORSEGUARDS ROAD and another black hole formed some 38 years after the financial market deregulation big bang. See what I did there?”

However, early investigations have proved contradictory. “We are not getting consistent results” explained Jane. “We are trying to view this from all sides of the spectrum and from the blue side you might almost be tempted to think there was nothing there at all. However, when we shift towards infrared there it is in all its glory, a nebulous political anomaly, requiring immediate remedial action, such as cooling down millions of older bodies over the coming months.”

When asked how much longer the telescope might be utilised in this way, Ms Franklyn told us they were already pointing it back out into the Universe. “We find that Earthly peculiarities usually end up being a waste of our resources. After all, we never did discover which planet Donald Trump is on.”

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