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The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners. Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.
‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes. But this would not be affordable. Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.
‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years. These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’. We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash. If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).
‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’
image from pixabay
In a one-off payment to the NHS, the new Prime Minister has promised to fully fund maternity wards inundated with mewling blond-haired homunculi. He said that hospitals should also be prepared for steep rise in ex-wives seeking anti-depressants and a cure for Brexit.
Worst still will be the cost of nappies, as Boris is famous for taking a huge dump and not clearing up his mess. Said one Nurse: 'I was told to spank a chubby baby on his arse but I told him, have some self-respect Prime Minister.’
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