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The Middle East is experiencing heightened tensions today after the targeted assassination of Abdul Abulbul Amir, much loved leader of his people.
Though no actor has officially claimed responsibility, few doubt the killing was ordered by Amir’s ancient rival, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.
The feud between the two is thought to date back to a disagreement about the drinking of beer, with Skavar thinking it best in a straight glass while sat in a chair with the ladies, whilst Amir as a Muslim considered alcohol and other intoxicants “haram” and “the work of Satan”.
Whatever the original casus belli, the two have been skirmishing for as long as anyone can remember, using arcane weapons such as blunderbusses and bicycles hanging from balloons.
Fears this conflict may develop into warfare with modern weapons were averted when trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney flew in and asked whether they wouldn’t prefer a Bud Light, causing both sides to realise they hate Mulvaney far more than they hate each other.
One particular business magnate has spoken of his support for President Trump imposing a 25% tariff on steel and man-sized pairs of tights. Your average 'Man of Steel' can work two jobs, making it harder for US citizens to compete - and will invariably monopolize the few remaining telephone boxes. Mr. Luthor has also spoken of the need for cut-price imports of Kryptonian.
Rumours persist that farmers in Kansas have been smuggling illegal superhero immigrants from Kal-El, in order to rig High School football matches. A spokeswoman for LexCorp said: 'Cheap imported comic book characters have stifled local industries in doomsday devices.' On Twitter Mr. Trump welcomed the endorsement of a megalomaniac, as it takes one to know one.
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