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Aries
Tha’s making a right @rse of thesen. Think on.
Taurus
If you don’t stop with your la dee dah ways, you’ll end up a gret suthern jessie.
Gemini
There’s nowt that can’t be sorted over a good cup of tea.
Cancer
You’ll get a clout round yer lugs this week. You’ll deserve it. Pillock!
Leo
Watch out for them there steps
Virgo
You will find love this month. Watch out Ada Slatterthwaite. That’s my star sign!
Libra
Stop laiking about the house and buck your ideas, you daft sod.
Scorpio
You are saved from a fate worse than death next week, when that trip to Manchester is cancelled
Sagittarius
You will get an unwelcome visitor next week. The tally man wants paying.
Capricorn
Mind you visit your nan next weekend, she’s getting right mardy
Aquarius
It’s not clear what’s going to happen but you’ll be chuffed to bits, I can tell you.
Pisces
You’ll come across a bit of money this month. Not a lot, but ‘owt’s better than nowt.
Image: Lockjaw
A spokesman for the current Prime Minister, which at the time of writing is still, unbelievably, understood to be Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the PM has expressed real regrets over the timing of his General Election announcement last month.
'With the roaring success of declaring Rwanda a safe place he now realises that he should have gone for the Columbo supplementary statement - just one more thing before I go to the polls - and should have written that all six hundred or so constituencies up and down the country were also, in the eyes of the law, safe. Seats that is, for Tory candidates.
'He believes we could have gone for the five-week election run-up, cared not one jot if he inadvertently handed the opposition a free pass through screwing up his campaign (known to happen), then after the count install Tory candidates in every constituency safe seat regardless of the vote.
'He knows it might seem undemocratic, but surely no more undemocratic than the Rwanda is officially safe scam, sorry, scheme but once completed there wouldn't be anyone left in opposition to stop him formalising it,' said the spokesman, adding, 'actually, we think he believes he did all of this. I'd bet on it. Ooops'
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