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Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.
Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.
'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'
'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'
Going the full Dolores Umbridge, Rowling has embraced her inner Terf and came out online in support for anti-trans views. Pausing between writing as a man, the billionaire author made it clear that gender is binary – unless you have a detective novel to finish.
While trans-sexuality is a protected characteristic under the 2010 Equalities Act, Rowling seemed to favour imprisonment in Azkaban. She had been previously criticized for liking tweets referring to trans-women as ‘men in dresses’ – or wizards as she likes to call them.
Her editors have been instructed to remove any non-binary references within her work – so no more ‘Half Blood Princes’. Other future titles are on hold – ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Gender Dysphoria’ and ‘All Beasts Are Fantastic, But Some Are More Fantastic Than Others’.
Sadly, we now know why JK thought the Child was Cursed. A LGBT+ activist said: ‘You need to accept people, Hogwarts and all’.
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