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For the first time in political history, Reform (formerly the Brexit Party, formerly UKIP, formerly a number of golf club bores and racist uncles you dreaded being sat next to at family gatherings) has actually turned down someone offering to stand as a candidate for them.
'It’s true, we want to field a candidate in every constituency,' said party leader Richard Tice. “How else can we take enough votes away from the Tories to let Labour in? Hang on, that can’t be right…
'And that sometimes means we can’t vet people as thoroughly as we’d like. But in this case, I think we have to say thanks for your interest, but no.'
For his part, Arthur Goebbels says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about as his views are simply those of the silent majority in this country, though it’s not clear when they were ever silent.
In his application, he lists his hobbies as raising and lowering the Union Jack in his front garden at sunrise and sunset, accompanied by a cassette playing what he calls 'stirring music', walking out of shops when he sees 'one of them' behind the counter, and running his local neighbourhood watch committee.
He also says he remembers with horror the day he got the names mixed up and accidentally joined the Respect party, saying he still hasn’t got the smell of their food out of his blazer.
Picture credit: Wix AI
Christmas has been thrown into turmoil, as new Government COVID guidance now includes vegetables towards the number of people that you can safely pull a cracker with. Explained a Health Official: ‘It’s a choice between Grandma or the brussel sprouts.’
Tough decisions will need to be made, between the relative merits of relatives and the tastiness of certain veg. You might be happy to trade turnips, in order to see your delightful nephew, but would you really give up buttered peas, for your racist aunt? Said one reveller: ‘I like my parents, I really do, but I love roasties. And my brother can’t compare to a mashed swede – at least not when it comes to conversation’.
Turkeys were hopeful that the rule of six might extend to them, but have been told: ‘Even if you’re soaked in Coronavirus brine, basted with a Covid swab and stuffed with a SAGE (the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies), you’re still getting eaten’.
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