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Rishi Sunak has allegedly unveiled his master disaster plan to some aides, including Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst who confided 'Using his background in finance Rishi has essentially put a giant negative spread bet on the number of seats the Tories might win. So the worse it is, the better.
'Rishi will unleash a string of truly, wildly idiotic policies and promises, mostly from the drawers marked 'break glass in case of culture wars' and 'rejected Rees-Mogg erotic fantasies'. Weirdly, compulsory military uniform for 18 year old boys was in both. Anyway, the idea is for the Tories to be so far behind by general election day, Rishi won't need to hang around. He can take his jet to his California mansion, surrounded by piles of cash and enjoy the 4th July fireworks, independent from being PM.'
It’s happening soon and you need to get ready. Don't delay!
Make yourself an election swear box. One pound for a swear word, two pounds if you see a slogan on a bus, three pounds for every mention of Brexit Benefits. Start saving now!
Cancel the newspapers and seal up the letter box. Put up a ‘No Callers’ sign on the door. Put up a quarantine notice. Put a rotting haddock underneath your doormat (the outside one), to keep away canvassers.
Download lots of box sets (not House of Cards) so you won't have to turn the TV on. Swear off (or at) social media. No more TikTakTokking for you.
Now set your alarm clock for July 5th 2024. Good luck!
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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