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Starmlin purges party of “counter-revolutionary elements”


In a surprise move, Sir Keir Starmlin has moved swiftly to purge the party of what he called 'reactionary and counter-revolutionary elements'.


In a Pravda editorial thought to be by Starmlin himself, former party members Diane Abbottovic and Faiza Shaheeniev were accused of conspiring with the exiled traitor Corbsky and attempting to bring about counter-revolution. And also liking a tweet ten years ago.


The traitors were dragged from their beds in the middle of the night and arrested. It’s thought they will offer no defence of their actions, as a result of the recent ruling that accusing the NEC of making a mistake is itself a treasonous act. Party workers will now begin the work of airbrushing them out of any photos showing them next to the Dear Leader.


When the arrests were announced at a party meeting, they were met with applause lasting several hours, as people feared that whoever stopped clapping first would probably join them in the gulag.


Image credit: Wix AI

Glastonbury sells out after the news there will be face-painting.



Booking lines have been inundated, with festival goers hoping to experience the once in a lifetime experience of having a sparkly butterfly drawn on their face by someone with a GCSE in art and a business degree from LSE. Fans have not been put off by the cost of tickets (£248+VAT), as they are attracted by the unique opportunity to see a guy with dreads walking on stilts, and jugglers of every ethnicity. 


Not only is Glastonbury the world’s largest green-field festival, it also boasts the longest game of Pass the Parcel. About 200,000 people are due to attend the festival at Worthy Farm, making the queues for the Punch and Judy tent particularly long. Festival goers can expect to have unprotected sex with a range of mime artists and win a party bag filled with poppers, just not the kiddy-friendly kind.


Organizers admitted it did resemble a toddler’s birthday party, but the only jelly being eaten would be by Sir Paul McCartney – due to problems with his dentures. Tickets sold out in just over half an hour, as soon as the rumour broke that there might be a bouncy castle. Said one attendee, ‘Normally it’s just boring old bands, but this year there’s going to be balloon animals!’


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Sunak to gift every Tory voter £2,000,000 in the election


In what's being seen by many commentators as an uncosted promise, PM Rishi Sunak will announce during a keynote speech guaranteed £2,000,000 single payments to everyone in the country who votes for a Tory Party candidate in the coming general election.


The upbeat, almost-billionaire, was quick to dismiss naysayers who slammed the idea a risible gimmick smacking of desperation, with the writing now clearly on the wall for his cabinet of out of touch spivs and chancers.


'Not at all,' he told a puzzled Naga Munchetty. 'This landmark bribe... err... award, I mean, is long overdue and sits firmly alongside our key back of a fag packet twin pledges to bring back National Service and the subtle-as-a brick-in-the-face-but-better-late-than-never attempt to buy off our pensioners.


'What we're naming our 'plus two million' initiative, is a great deal for the country. It's being funded from the weekly £350 million we used to give to foreigners in the EU. Now, after eight years we have a pot of £144 billion to play with. It's another Brexit win. Rule Britannia. Oh, and maybe with a bit of luck with the bunce we might even get round to fixing some potholes.'


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