Mohamed Mansour has criticised the delay between giving £5 million to the Tory party and receiving his knighthood.
A spokesman said 'For £5 million, he could have bought his way to the top of several NHS waiting lists and fed some poor children and still had enough left over to make Nigel Farage say "Up the 'Ra" on Cameo again.
'Amazon prime can deliver a chicken harness on the same day, so why can't this government dispatch a royal with a sword in a couple of weeks?'
The Chinese Ambassador admitted: 'We hacked your electoral roll, only to discover three names left on it - Peter Mandelson, Eddie the Eagle and Bolton Wanderers FC. Someone had already deleted millions of voters and replaced them with a gallery of erotic photographs of Prince Andrew and a lubricated garden gnome.'
Further attempts to undermine MPs were thwarted by the MPs own voting record. 'We'd hoped to create fake stories of lurid sex scandals and financial wrongdoing, but nothing prepared us for Rishi Sunak's debauched WhatsApp group and Keir Starmer's sock drawer.
'We have a strong suspicion that the UK may be a front for an elaborate money laundering scheme, while the real UK is based in the Cayman Islands. Having hacked into the UK we are now worried our computers might have picked up a virus. And judging by your Ministers, its probably Syphilis.'
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