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Easter ruined by spoiler


The Archbishop of Canterbury has come in for criticism by parenting groups for repeatedly giving away the ending to the series finale of ‘Jesus - Master of Illusion’.  Disappointed followers of the story - or ‘Christians’ as they are described on fan fiction sites - have dismissed speculation that the final chapter reveals that either the butler did it or that it was all a dream.


Fans of the Bible franchise have complained that the conclusion to the season has been leaked online. Worshippers had been left on a cliff-hanger or cross-hanger, with Our Lord stuck in a right pickle after a series of mishaps involving a Pontius Pilate, an Easter bonnet and a carpentry blunder.


Despite requests from the author, sections of The Bible have been leaked on social media - with hints that a major character will be killed off or devoured by a dragon.  Explained one confused witness after an Easter service: ‘First there was John Carpenter who was cross about something and later was crucified for making ‘Ghosts of Mars’.


‘His meal was called the Last Supper because he disappointingly gave out no chocolate eggs nor left a tip. He was then betrayed by Long John Silver for 30 ‘pieces of eight’ and knifed by the Easter bunny in the garden of Gethsemane. Then, Peter's showed the Roman's his cock three times but was only given a formal warning.


‘After he died, he spent the night with a seal in a tomb.  Which meant that he could respawn on the Boss level and go to the seaside for a fish’n'chip supper. Then he went up to heaven – just like David Bowie - but with less lighting and awards. Although, how any of this relates to the Christmas prequel – ‘Love Actually’ - God only knows?’


Further confusion has been caused by the claim that Jesus did not die for our sins but, instead, was modelling for a currant bun. Some fans were left disappointed by the rather lame ‘deus ex machina’ – resurrection plot line: ‘I wanted to know how the whole bunny, chocolate, crucifixion thing all tied together. It all seemed so incongruous, but I was anticipating some incredible narrative crescendo. Instead, I’ve got what? A melted Kinder Egg and splinters.’


The show’s creator, ‘The Creator’, has promised surprises aplenty: ‘We’ve still got a few twists left; can Judas ruin the egg hunt and where does Santa Claus fit in? Of course, there’s still the big reveal – Darth Vader is Jesus’ dad.’   



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'Jimmy Savile - The Musical' opens to mixed reviews



Despite mixed reviews, critics have praised the performance of actor Steve Vaughan, one saying that "his physicality perfectly captures Savile’s creepy decrepitude", helped by the "appallingly tacky" tracksuits and red-lensed glasses provided by costume designer Deborah Jenkins. They also admired the catchiness of the songs "Now then, now then", "Jingle jangle, jewellery jewellery" and "Come back to my dressing room after the show".


However, many also complained of the 'elephant in the room' the show glosses over - the fact that the 'much loved national treasure' turned out to be a massive pervert and serial abuser of women, children and even corpses.


'We did think about a more honest portrayal,' said producer Abe Greenbacks. 'It’s not like there’s no precedent for showing child abuse in a musical - they did it in "Tommy", after all.'


'But we just felt it limits the number of people who’d come to see the show, so I’d make less money," he concluded, before asking his PA to 'try and make that sound a bit less mercenary before you send it out.'


The show stands in a long line of sanitised accounts of appalling people, including "Bad" (about Michael Jackson), "Springtime for Hitler" and "Pol Pot on Ice".


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