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Archaeologists discover sub-human creature called Lee Anderthal



Archaeologists have unearthed an archaic form of human which they have called "Lee Anderthal".


The surprising discovery was made in the studios of GB News following an in-depth study by a team from Cambridge University. The being is also thought to have wandered the corridors of the House of Commons.


Primitive cave paintings thought to have been created by Lee Anderthal were found near the creature. They include the phrases “You can cook a meal for 30 pieces of corn” and “Asylum seekers should f*** off back to the Jurassic age”.


Davinia Digsworth of Cambridge University’s archaeology department said she and her team was delighted to have made such a fascinating discovery. “Lee Anderthal is basically the link between Neanderthals and humans,” she said. “It’s a sub-human form of life that seems to have thrived on nuts, fruit and whipping up hatred."


She added: “We think it’s brain was slightly more advanced that those of Neanderthals, but obviously far less capable than the ones that present-day humans have.”


The creature is due to go on display at the Nottinghamshire Museum of Racism next month.




Elton John and Prince Harry offset carbon footprint by planting more poor people



The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have avoided criticism of taking four private jet journeys in 11 days, by agreeing to plant a forest the size of Wales, over Wales.  The 8,000 square mile woodland will comprise of 3,000,000 impoverished Welsh; all planted head-first to maximise the carbon absorption from their knitted socks.


Sir Elton John defended the scheme, as the safest the way for Prince Harry to travel and the most humane way to treat the people of Wales.  Poor people are a naturally occurring renewable resource and no have need of a luxury holiday in Nice or food, for that matter. 


A spokeswoman for Sir Elton insisted that using a private jet avoided the press intrusion that contributed to Princess Diana's death: ‘…as scooter-driving, French journalists regularly pursue celebs at 33,000 feet, at a cruise speed of 567 miles per hour.’


Some have questioned Prince Harry’s eco- credentials given his propensity for plane travel and shooting wildlife, but Sir Elton insisted Prince Harry was a ‘candle in the wind’ – made of whale fat.



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Gaza sends thoughts and prayers to Rochdale



With the looming Rochdale by election poised to embarrass more or less everybody, the people of Gaza have been sending thoughts and prayers.


Youssef Younis said 'In Gaza, buried in the rubble and surrounded by the dead, under the constant barrage of Netanyahu’s bombs and bullets, I feel sorry for those poor people who live in a truly barren hellscape: Rochdale. Imagine that plus having George Galloway knocking on doors near where you live. No thank you! Where's Rula Lenska when you need her?'


He added 'It’s a good job that all those bombs and bullets are only killing Hamas members and therefore ordinary Gazan citizens are left unharmed to go about their business. Otherwise Netanyahu would be deliberately radicalising another entire generation.'


Israel’s upcoming ground offensive will now focus on both Rafah and Rochdale.




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