Benjamin Netanyahu’s tweets to be read by WWE wrestler

Proving that history will eat itself and that irony is just a metal, but with more iron, Israel’s PM has gone ‘full Thanos’.  From this day forward, Mr. Netanyahu agreed that his speeches will be more accurately contextualized if shouted by spray-tanned steroid-abuser, lathered up with baby oil, while wearing nothing but a spandex thong.

Taking Godwin’s Law to be more of a guideline, Mr. Netanyahu explained that: ‘The weak crumble, are slaughtered and are erased from history’.  Which is no way plagiarizes a cheeky little speech from Munich 1933 ('Providence shows no mercy to weak nations…’) but does use the same chord structure as Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’

Many peace-loving Israeli’s are somewhat concerned that Mr. Netanyahu may have anger management issues. A spokesman for Mr. Netanyahu explained: ‘We will crush our enemies.  See them driven before us and hear the lamentations of their women.  And if it’s good enough for Conan the Barbarian, it’s good enough for Bibi.’

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FA ready to do FA about Spurs’ dodgy billionaire owner

The Football Association is about to take decisive inaction regarding the owner of Tottenham Hotspur being charged with insider trading. Even if he is convicted, Joe Lewis who is worth an estimated £5bn, is unlikely to face another ‘fit and proper person’ test because he’s worth an estimated £5bn.

The latest non-move is seen by some as consistent with the FA’s attitude to the insanely rich Saudi owners of Newcastle. However, the FA denies doing nothing about any possible links between the Saudi’s Public Investment Fund and the murder of a journalist, stating that the FA acted swiftly and decisively to turn a blind eye.

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Citizen army not feeling it

Demands by the UK’s top brass that we all train for war with Russia, have been greeted with a wave of apathy, normally reserved for cleaning the lint out of your belly button. The nation has raised a two-finger victory salute and then flipped it, was a healthy dollop of FU attached.

General Sir Patrick Sanders, who is yet to diagnosed as insane - but all the signs are there, said that the nation could not afford to make the same mistakes of 1914. Ironically the mistakes we made in 1914 was listening to warmongering buffoons like himself. He talked of a ‘pre-war generation’ implying he was all aroused by the idea of the next war.

The reason we need to enter conflict with Russia seems to be based on the premise that it’s been a jolly long time since the last big war and our Generals are bored. Observed one savvy, coward: ‘Russia already owns most of central London, why would they want to invade the rest? Slough is not that great.’

Image: Pixabay/GidonPico