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As anticipation mounts for Nigel Farage's appearance the hit TV show 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here', Mr Farage has, prior to his formal entrance, launched his "Jungxit" campaign.
A source close to Mr. Farage reported Nigel saying: "Whilst we may have had it all our own way in this Jungle paradise, clearly now is the time to respect Australia's borders and beat a retreat to dear old blighty." He went on, "I mean, we come over here, invade their jungles, use up their precious commodities of kangaroo testicles and wallaby spleens where we could be feasting on Badger ears and wren's livers without this senseless and grotesque emigration."
Mr. Farage also berated the cost of travel, explaining that it could have on top of his fee and then a proportion paid in taxes to the poor and unfortunate in England.
It is thought he will seek a camp referendum within the first five days of being in camp and hopes to be out of the jungle within 4 years.
The iconic shopping guide is to make way for a much weightier tome, covering the Prime Minister’s failings, both large and small – but mainly large. The new catalogue will still be laminated, as chapters 7-16 cover Mr. Johnson’s spaffing and haphazard reproduction.
Instead of planning your Christmas shop, voters will be able select from a variety of classic Boris blunders to enjoy; be it killing off a chunk of the population or the slightly more horrific image, of him being stuck on a zipwire.
Explained one store manager: ‘Firstly you can choose from a myriad of mistakes, ranging from A-Z – and all of them racist. Once you’ve found a real calamity, then you take the little blue pen and poke out your own eyes. Better that, than see what Boris does next.’
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