.
Updated: Nov 24, 2023
top of page
Search
Heathrow Airport announced today that it was laying off the pointless extra security staff who stand around gossiping while you go through security.
"For a long time, we've run airport security on a system of three working, two gossiping at any one time" explained a spokesman today. "As anyone who's flown out of a British airport will know.
"And obviously, there's a time-honoured convention that if they take your suitcase aside to check something, they should have a good old catch up about each others' weekends first, especially if your plane's already boarding.
"But margins are tight, and we have to take the unusual step of laying off people who aren't doing anything useful."
The move is not thought to be popular with staff, who are said to prefer the gossiping part of their jobs to the working part.
"We did consider evening things out by losing one worker and one gossipper, but then who would the remaining one gossip with? Though I suppose they could be on their phone instead..."
Image: djedj - Pixabay
Scientists have warned that by the end of 2020, one hundred percent of all TV listings will be infected with some part of Luton's answer to Woodward & Bernstein. Sightings of Dooley on our screens are now more regular than sightings of Donald Trump in a beauty pageant changing room.
The chirpy presenter excels at investigative banter and has played the role of white saviour more times than a C of E nativity play. Her brand of mockney journalism has helped expose working conditions around the world, especially the one or two jobs not done by Stacey already.
During one recent documentary on giving birth under lockdown, many mothers-to-be were surprised to find that Stacey Dooley, rather than their partner, would be the one holding their hand. Strict Covid rules meant that partners were forbidden, but having Dooley put a camera up your uterus was fine.
Health Officials advise keeping a social distance of at least two meters from any TV remote: 'Stay in small groups. This won't protect you, but it will reduce her audience share'.
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |
bottom of page