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Tories will reintroduce Rotten Boroughs to win election



Senior Conservative strategists - if there are any left who haven’t thrown themselves from a 12th floor window directly on to a pile of dynamite - have recommended the reintroduction of rotten boroughs. These were common in the 18th and early 19th centuries as way for the wealthy to peddle undue influence, something now considered an essential part of the Tory vibe.


One MP, who wished to remain Mogg-nonymous said 'Everything was better then. Britain was winning the Battles of Trafalgar and Waterloo, defeating the EU on both occasions. There was no NHS to fund. Poor children could be whacked with a stick, then sent up a chimney. Statues of slave traders? Yes please!'


'It's fine, we’ll buy the votes. Sunak’s loaded. There’s no money for disabilities, but there is just enough for a tax cut – phew! We’ll have to hope no-one’s noticed we’ve run everything into the ground.'




Government urged to issue list of acceptable insults for ministers



There is pressure on the government to clarify what ministers can legally be called. A website where people could submit suggested insults has repeatedly crashed because of overloading.


"'Tory scum' is obviously fine", explained a spokesman, "and we would request people not to keep suggesting that one. 'Bell end', 'muppet', 'tosser' and 'yogurt brain' are already under study."


A committee of experts comprising Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a professor of Anglo-Saxon and a vet are evaluating the possible names.


When approached for a comment, the Reverend Justin Welby said that "'dick-head' was quite a popular choice, but in my view, doesn't go far enough. Personally, I'd calling them all ******* *****"




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