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Our benevolent overlord, Rupert Murdoch, has granted a day of democracy for the collective chattel - provided, of course, they vote for his preferred minion. To help us in our decision, the Murdoch papers have been running a myriad of headlines, including 'It's my May or the Highway', 'Corbyn makes terrorist jam' or the more abrasive 'Vote Tory or I'll f$ck your Mum'.
Reporters will be on hand at polling stations throughout the day, to help fill in ballots. While Mr. Murdoch's news channels will be providing extensive courage of Theresa May healing sick puppies, alongside stirring footage of the Dambusters bombing IS.
Remarked one editor, as he photo-shopped Diane Abbott onto the face of Lee Harvey Oswald: 'Those who accuse our papers of bias need to realise that there is a significant proportion of pages which are not pro-Tory...it's called the Sports' section. Look. See? 'Arsenal miss out Europe...because of Corbyn'.'
Once the election is over, Mr. Murdoch will invite the Queen to Buckingham Palace, to tell her who he has picked - and when she can expect to be replaced. Questioned on his endorsement of the Conservatives, he sung enigmatically: 'It's my party and I'll lie if I want to'.
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Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'
Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.
Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'
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