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At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.
Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'
'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'
'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'
'For years, we’d been trying to discover why brain cells die off in Alzheimer’s disease,' a leading scientist from the UK's Dementia Research Institute told reporters yesterday.
'But in a way, the answer had been staring us right in the face.
'Just think about what you've all done! You have made your poor brain cells sit through thousands of episodes of breakfast TV featuring Holly, Phil and Roland Rat.
'You have subjected them to Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley, and the speeches of every self-regarding, prating politician from Reginald Maudling and Edward Heath to Angela Rayner.
'Meanwhile, they have gone through years of witnessing the moronic antics of Coleen Rooney, Jeremy Beadle, Boris Johnson and Emu without rebelling and turning you loopy.
'And every morning, you have woken up and started force-feeding them a heart-breaking diet of news stories about killer floods, fires, famines, wars, earthquakes, and golden-haired children going missing.
'Is it any wonder that, after a nearly of lifetime of constant exposure to all this toxic bilge, they simply decided – one after another – to end their pitiful lives?
'What we're saying is: if you don't want your brain cells to desert you, stop showing them the dismal levels to which human existence has sunk in 21st century Britain.
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