Use of the phrase ‘picky bits for tea’ to become criminal offence

The use of the phrase ‘picky bits for tea’ to describe a diverse selection of food items served up as small dishes in place of a full meal will become a criminal offence from today, authorities have announced.

The new law will ban the use of the phrase on any form of social media and will also cover it being casually dropped into conversations about what you might have for lunch or a fairly spontaneous evening meal.

‘Things have got out of hand', noted Mike McBride, head of the Annoying Phrase Prevention Unit at New Scotland Yard. .

'Our officers have had hundreds of call outs over the Bank Holiday weekend to deal with the gratuitous use of this cringeworthy phrase, usually alongside Instagram pictures of some small plates of dishes of pitta bread, olives and mini pork pies served on a garden table under a colourful parasol’, continued McBride.

‘Why can’t people just say they are serving up some tapas or snacks, or even a picnic buffet?’.

‘Instead they use a phrase that evokes images of someone taking a manky scab off their knee or pulling their pants out of their sweaty bum crack’.

‘Thank god this legislation is now in place’ said McBride.

‘Now if you don’t mind I’m off to celebrate - my wife’s put together some lovely bits of fridge shrapnel for our tea'.

Image: Pixabay/elle_kh

Upholsterer fails final exam and will need to re-sit

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Nadine by-election to produce two MPs to cover her workload

A sobbing Prime Minister has announced that the Mid Bedfordshire by election will produce two seats ‘so that Nadine’s exceptional work can continue’.

‘Stop all the clocks’, he told reporters. ‘Cut off the telephone. Basically, that poem from Four Weddings and a Funeral. We’ve looked at Nadine’s extraordinary output in recent years and there’s no way that one MP could cover it’.

Nadine Dorries’ nickname was“110%“, a reference to her tireless parliamentary work, her relentless pursuit of constituency matters, her laser-focus on the detail of every brief she was given and her legendary sobriety.

Dorries was loved – worshipped, even – by parliamentarians from all sides. ‘She was one of us’, a Labour spokesman said. ‘Working class through and through’. ‘Gawd bless ‘er’ said a random Cockney we found in a pub. ‘I’ll never forget her gagging on kangaroo penis when she should have been in Westminster. What a gal’.

Tributes continue to pour in for the sober, intelligent, hard-working MP who took 11 weeks to clear her desk, so determined was she to leave behind a strong legacy and to benefit from changes to departure payments. We may never see her like again. Nadine, Queen of the Commons, we salute you.

Image: Pixabay/mounsey